Friday, May 29, 2009

Please Pray

I am finally "back" from all the moving and unpacking. I will be updating on what's going on with us very soon. But for now I have an urgent prayer request for one of my friends who is in the process of adopting. The birth mother appears to be having some second thoughts. Please pray for Elaine, Dave, "Little Bug," and the birth mother. They have a meeting with the birth mom at 2:30 PM Eastern Time. You can read more here. Thank you for praying.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

We Have a House!

We found a great house! We finally signed the lease yesterday after waiting for a few days to hear whether we were approved by the homeowner. We picked up the keys today. It has everything we were hoping for: wood floors in the living room, a fireplace, 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, den, sun room, fenced-in back yard, plenty of storage space in the basement, and a great location. We are inside the beltway, within 5 minutes of 495 and a metro station. John's commute should not ever be more than 30 minutes, and in the morning it should be far less.

We really like our landlord. He lives here in the area and spent a portion of his childhood in the house. The house belonged to his mother, but she is now living in an assisted living facility. He came in after his mother moved out and renovated most of the house. I like that this house was not a flip or an investment property for him. It makes us feel a lot more secure about the situation given all the foreclosures we hear about. Also, Montgomery county has a lot of protection for tenants, especially when compared to Florida. It is almost impossible to evict a tenant here and he is by law not allowed to place the house on the market during the 2 years of our lease.

We will probably stay with my cousin for a couple more days before moving in because the moving company isn't able to deliver our stuff until Thursday. We are very excited about the house and can't wait to get settled in. It has been difficult just waiting around. I think John and I both started to get very frustrated while we waited to hear whether or not we had the house. But God is faithful and He definitely provided for us. We are very thankful.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Officially a BFN

It's official. I just got the call from Dr. K - a BFN - not that it was a surprise. I think I am still processing it right now and of course the move is a major distraction. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm sure it will hit me more over these next few days and once we get settled into our new home. Speaking of which, I think we may have found a house. We put in an application today so we are just waiting to hear whether we are approved or not.

I think the main thing I am wrestling with right now are the "what ifs." What is we hadn't limited the number of eggs we allowed them to ICSI. Did we do the right thing? Did we give ourselves a fair shot? Of course, Dr. K says we shouldn't limit the number, but I don't think I would expect him to say anything else. I felt like he placed the entire "blame" as to why it didn't work on the fact that we limited the number even though we had more this cycle than last cycle when I actually got pregnant. I don't know what to think. One thing we are pretty sure about - this is more than likely the end of the road for us in terms of fertility treatment. None of our embryos made it to be frozen just like last cycle. From the get go, we felt that we wanted to try 2 cycles and of course commit to any frozen embryos we had. We don't have any frozen so we feel ready to stop. With shared risk, we still have a 3rd try, but we think we will cancel out of the program and get the 70% refund. Who knows maybe they will cancel us, considering that we only had 1 6-cell, grade 3 embryo to transfer. I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea of being "done" trying.

So what's next for us? We are still praying about it, but we do sense God leading us in a particular direction. I will get into more details later.

House Hunting - Please Pray

I went to Walter Reed Army Medical Center today to get blood drawn. Now I just have to wait to get the official results.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me yesterday. It ended up being a pretty good day. I think being honest about my feelings and posting them here really helped. I was able to have a good cry and then move on. In the morning, John and I tackled a couple projects around my cousin's house as a way of thanking her for letting us stay at her house. She is away on a business trip until Thursday. John fixed a toilet, shelf, and door and I planted a few flowers on her deck and got it cleaned up. After that we picked up lunch and headed to Sligo Creek Park for a picnic. We took our Bible and spent some time reading and praying about next steps. Then we went and explored a neighborhood where we saw a house we liked. After we got home we called our moms, lounged around, had dinner, and then I watched the Celebrity Apprentice finale.

Last Friday we started our house hunting. Let me just say it did not go well. I was so discouraged, almost to the point of despair (my hormones may have been partly to blame). I can not understand how people expect to rent some of the houses we saw in the condition they are in - some of them were just awful. We found one house we liked. It had every feature we had hoped for and it was in a good location, but it had one major problem. It stunk. And I mean really badly. Initially, we thought (I think we were basically feeling desperate at this point) that maybe they just needed to get the carpets cleaned so we went ahead and filled out the application for that house. But after we got home and talked about it, we decided that the carpet probably needed more than a cleaning to get the smell out. It was kind of like a really, really bad dog (urine) smell, but with something else as well. Let me just say I would not be surprised to hear that someone or something died in that house. So we decided to look at a slightly higher price range and see if that helps us find what we are looking for. Thankfully, we were able to call our real estate agent prior to her submitting the application on the smelly house and so I don't think we will even be out the application fee. At the higher price range we found a few houses we are interested in seeing and we are going to see them today. Please pray for God's provision of a house for us and for wisdom and guidance for John and I. We really need to be in a house by May 21st when John has to start school. Needing something that is available immediately certainly limits us, but nothing is impossible with God. Thank you for praying. I know God is faithful and has promised to meet all our needs.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Today is Mother's Day. I would like to tell you that all I care about is honoring my own mother and stepmother, both of whom I love dearly. But I can't. This day is just too painful for me. I find it hard to even acknowledge its existence. This year I didn't send my own mother a card because I couldn't bear to walk into that section of the card store. Today I will join the many women who stay home from church because it is just too painful. My dear friend Wendi wrote a beautiful post yesterday about Mother's Day. It expresses how I feel so well. You can read it here. Here are a couple of the things she said to which I really related:

"My own mother understood that while I tried to celebrate her, my own pain was so great, it was difficult to acknowledge that this day even existed. It was selfish of me. But it was something I couldn't escape from."

"They will probably feel guilty, as I did. Guilty that I was unable to even celebrate my own mother in the way she deserved to be celebrated on that day because my hurt was so great. That one day was a culmination of everything I wanted and everything I did not have."

To my Mom, Karen, and my 2 sisters who are mothers, I hope you can understand. Please know I love you all so much. I don't know how to cope with this day other than to try to ignore it. My heart is just so heavy with grief today - grief for the children I don't have and grief for the children I lost. Had we not lost Johannah, I would be almost 27 weeks pregnant. After 4 1/2 years of infertility and loss, I am finding it difficult to believe I will ever be a mother. I have not lost all hope though, I have hope in the Lord. I believe He has a plan and purpose for John and I. The Lord has taught me that His plan is better than my own. His plan will be revealed in His time. I must wait upon the Lord. It is the waiting that is just so hard.

Friday, May 8, 2009

BFN - So Sad

We made it to DC at about 7 last night after sitting in absolutely horrendous (even by DC standards) traffic for about 3 hours. All it takes is a little rain in DC and people go nuts. After unloading the cars, John went out to the store to pick up dinner and a pregnancy test. He got pack that had 3 for the price of 2 - he knows me too well. Anyway, I took one last night and one this morning - both negative. We are just so sad. I am 11 days post 3 day transfer so if it was going to be positive it would more than likely show up by now. I will keep taking my meds until I get the official results on Monday, but I am not anticipating that the results will be any different.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Quick Update

We are all packed up and we are officially out of our house as of yesterday. We have actually been staying at the base's temporary lodging facility (it's like a hotel) since last Wednesday, but we passed our inspection and handed over the keys yesterday. We have been keeping busy having lots of lunches and dinners with friends. I really can't believe we are leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I am saying this, given how I felt about this place when we first moved here, but I am just so sad to be leaving. I was in tears pretty much the entire church service on Sunday. We have met so many wonderful friends here, especially over this last year. I would list them all, but I only have a little bit of time on the computer. I think you all know who you are anyways. Saying good-bye is just so hard. I know it is only good-bye for now and we will see each other again soon. I love you all so much.

I must say moving makes the 2ww pass very quickly. I could probably take a HPT tomorrow and have it show up if it was positive. But on the wise advice of my husband, I have agreed to wait until we reach DC and test on Friday morning. My RE has arranged for me to take my official test at the Walter Reed IVF program (military's program) on Monday. I am going being letting everyone know the outcome, even close friends and family, here on the blog. I just think phone calls will be too difficult for me at first. I know that there may be people wondering what the right thing is to say. Just be positive, that's all I ask. I would be very hurt by "well we'll just have to wait and see" type responses. And most of all just pray for us.