Initially, I felt guilty writing a post about hope on the anniversary of the day we found out we lost Johannah. I wondered if it would seem like I had forgotten her or hadn't honored her short life. But I realized I had to give myself permission to move forward. I lived many years in bondage to my past and I won't do it again. I choose to "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me" Phil 3:12.
Wednesday was not an easy day, but I got through it. Several times throughout the day I repeated the words of Phil 4:13:
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
One of the things that came to mind on Wednesday was the story of Joseph and his brothers where he says to them,
"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."
The Lord takes the evil things of this world and works them for good. I know there are differing opinions as to why bad things happen and what the enemies role is in them, but I had a thought I had never had before as this Scripture came to mind. I felt like satan wanted to rob us and destroy us (though I believe God ultimately allowed it to happen), but his purposes were thwarted because God worked out everything for my good and His purposes. Satan meant evil against us, but God meant it for good.
"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands" Psalm 138: 8.
I am going to Florida to visit my family over the long weekend. I haven't seen them since Christmas 2008. I am especially looking forward to seeing my niece and nephews! Hope you all have a great weekend.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hope
One year ago today, I wrote this post:
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
"Yet I still dare to hope..."
For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.
After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31
I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
This past year I also found hope in God's word.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5
Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18
These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
"Yet I still dare to hope..."
For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.
After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31
I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
This past year I also found hope in God's word.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5
Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18
These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Christmas and New Years Recap
I am still here! John was on a break from school so I took a break from blogging to spend time with him while I could. We managed to dig out of the huge snow storm I mentioned in my last post. We ended up getting about 19 inches!
Needless to say we holed up inside for a few days including Monday since the federal government shut down which meant I didn't have to work. John and I did manage to get out briefly on Monday for some shopping and a lunch date. The rest of that week I had to work and make preparations for cooking my first Christmas dinner. Despite six years of marriage, I have never cooked a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. We have always gone to family or friends. Since we are saving for adoption, we decided to stay home this year.
Here is my menu:
Ham, twice baked potatoes, sweet potato casserole, temptation salad (a "fruit" salad with marshmallows, sweetened condensed milk, almond extract, and whipped cream), cranberry sauce, garden salad, and rolls. Dessert was pumpkin pie, shoefly pie, and coconut cake. I only had to make the pumpkin pie, the other desserts were brought by friends. I think it went off very well and I was quite pleased with myself. I wish I had taken a picture to document it.
I also discovered something new the day before Christmas Eve. Dogs like chocolate. My dog likes chocolate. I woke up to this:
What was a full candy bowl of chocolate was empty and on the floor. Four hundred and fifty dollars later we had one unhappy, but alive pooch.
You can see the charcoal stains on her beard.
We had a great Christmas with friends and some family (John's brother and my cousin who both live in the DC area). We went to Christmas Eve service, then had a few friends over for brunch Christmas morning. We also got to read the Christmas story and sing a few carols. This is something I have always wanted to do on Christmas, but it has never been part of my family tradition. Since this was really our first Christmas at our own home, it was nice to be able to establish what I hope will become a regular part of our Christmas. Later in the day we had a few more folks over for dinner and then played some games.
I was okay during Christmas, the hardest times were while I was at work the week prior to Christmas. Since it was so slow, I had too much time to think. The day after Christmas infertility/loss really hit me hard. We went to visit some friends (our former neighbors at Eglin AFB) who are expecting their first child. I inquired about our other neighbor who I had not heard from in a while. I had this nagging feeling that I knew why. My suspicions were confirmed, she is also pregnant due in February. That same day, we had an engagement party to go to. I don't fully understand why and I would be curious if anyone else feels this way, but weddings have also become difficult for me. I think it is because one of two things will happen, either I will get a pregnancy announcement in the near future or worse that couple will become one of us. I can't help but think of the hopes and dreams most of us have as we start out our married lives. For some of us, those dreams are shattered. The other thing (which I am sure is completely in my head) is I feel like John and I are an ugly reminder to the new couple that things don't always turn out like we want them to. I am pretty sure most people already know this, but I still feel this way. Anyway, by the end of the day I was a complete mess. I cried almost the entire drive home, almost 2 hours (my poor husband). The following week was another slow one at work, which gave me too much time to think about this time last year. I was pregnant. I was starting to think I could relax and begin to enjoy the pregnancy. And then my world shattered.
However, John and I were able to spend some fun times together the week after Christmas, we had a dinner and a movie date to see the Blind Side (highly recommend it) and took full advantage of Netflix (also highly recommend). New Years Eve we stayed in and watched movies. The weekend after we went out to Virginia - it is so beautiful there. We did a little antiquing and had a very relaxing time.
This past week John started school again. This semester is looking even tougher than last. I will be happy when this first year of school is over in May. Supposedly it gets easier the second year.
I also started a course called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement this past Tuesday. It has a huge textbook and tons of assigned reading. I think it will keep me pretty busy as we wait for the adoption. I am also continuing to take part in a North Korea prayer group each week. I am so blessed to be a part of this ministry. I feel like I have finally found my passion in life.
Yesterday, the Christmas decorations came down and the house is back in order. Always makes me a little sad. Another year has begun. It is officially 5 years of infertility - I don't say trying to conceive (TTC) because we aren't really trying anymore. But it is five years of wanting and waiting, and hoping....
I hope this year is the year for me and for all of you who are waiting with me.
Needless to say we holed up inside for a few days including Monday since the federal government shut down which meant I didn't have to work. John and I did manage to get out briefly on Monday for some shopping and a lunch date. The rest of that week I had to work and make preparations for cooking my first Christmas dinner. Despite six years of marriage, I have never cooked a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. We have always gone to family or friends. Since we are saving for adoption, we decided to stay home this year.
Here is my menu:
Ham, twice baked potatoes, sweet potato casserole, temptation salad (a "fruit" salad with marshmallows, sweetened condensed milk, almond extract, and whipped cream), cranberry sauce, garden salad, and rolls. Dessert was pumpkin pie, shoefly pie, and coconut cake. I only had to make the pumpkin pie, the other desserts were brought by friends. I think it went off very well and I was quite pleased with myself. I wish I had taken a picture to document it.
I also discovered something new the day before Christmas Eve. Dogs like chocolate. My dog likes chocolate. I woke up to this:
What was a full candy bowl of chocolate was empty and on the floor. Four hundred and fifty dollars later we had one unhappy, but alive pooch.
You can see the charcoal stains on her beard.We had a great Christmas with friends and some family (John's brother and my cousin who both live in the DC area). We went to Christmas Eve service, then had a few friends over for brunch Christmas morning. We also got to read the Christmas story and sing a few carols. This is something I have always wanted to do on Christmas, but it has never been part of my family tradition. Since this was really our first Christmas at our own home, it was nice to be able to establish what I hope will become a regular part of our Christmas. Later in the day we had a few more folks over for dinner and then played some games.
I was okay during Christmas, the hardest times were while I was at work the week prior to Christmas. Since it was so slow, I had too much time to think. The day after Christmas infertility/loss really hit me hard. We went to visit some friends (our former neighbors at Eglin AFB) who are expecting their first child. I inquired about our other neighbor who I had not heard from in a while. I had this nagging feeling that I knew why. My suspicions were confirmed, she is also pregnant due in February. That same day, we had an engagement party to go to. I don't fully understand why and I would be curious if anyone else feels this way, but weddings have also become difficult for me. I think it is because one of two things will happen, either I will get a pregnancy announcement in the near future or worse that couple will become one of us. I can't help but think of the hopes and dreams most of us have as we start out our married lives. For some of us, those dreams are shattered. The other thing (which I am sure is completely in my head) is I feel like John and I are an ugly reminder to the new couple that things don't always turn out like we want them to. I am pretty sure most people already know this, but I still feel this way. Anyway, by the end of the day I was a complete mess. I cried almost the entire drive home, almost 2 hours (my poor husband). The following week was another slow one at work, which gave me too much time to think about this time last year. I was pregnant. I was starting to think I could relax and begin to enjoy the pregnancy. And then my world shattered.
However, John and I were able to spend some fun times together the week after Christmas, we had a dinner and a movie date to see the Blind Side (highly recommend it) and took full advantage of Netflix (also highly recommend). New Years Eve we stayed in and watched movies. The weekend after we went out to Virginia - it is so beautiful there. We did a little antiquing and had a very relaxing time.
This past week John started school again. This semester is looking even tougher than last. I will be happy when this first year of school is over in May. Supposedly it gets easier the second year.
I also started a course called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement this past Tuesday. It has a huge textbook and tons of assigned reading. I think it will keep me pretty busy as we wait for the adoption. I am also continuing to take part in a North Korea prayer group each week. I am so blessed to be a part of this ministry. I feel like I have finally found my passion in life.
Yesterday, the Christmas decorations came down and the house is back in order. Always makes me a little sad. Another year has begun. It is officially 5 years of infertility - I don't say trying to conceive (TTC) because we aren't really trying anymore. But it is five years of wanting and waiting, and hoping....
I hope this year is the year for me and for all of you who are waiting with me.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!
We are in the midst of a huge snow storm. Thankfully most of our Christmas shopping is done, just need to get some stuff for Christmas stockings and dinner. It will just have to wait till next week. We are definitely going to stay in today, maybe read a book and sit by a fire. John is outside right now shoveling the sidewalk and driveway along with our neighbors. It's interesting, people are not usually very neighborly in DC. One of the only times is when it snows. It is one of the things I have always liked about the snow in this area. Neither of us has read a book for fun in a while so we are looking forward to a relaxing day inside.
Pictures of our house were requested along time ago which I never got around to until now. Better late than never! It is not super clear because the snow is still coming down pretty hard, but here is our house.
In other news, we finished our self studies! Both of ours ended up being 12 typed pages. I actually enjoyed the process for the opportunity for introspection it provided. I have really turned around my thinking where this is concerned. Initially, I was feeling a bit resentful about having to go through all of this to have a child when it is so easy for most people. I have begun to think of this process as a "get to" rather than a "have to." Most people don't get this type of preparation for parenting. We are getting to think about and ask ourselves questions that will help us and our child so much. Last Friday we attended the pre-adoption class and Monday evening we went to hear a panel of adult adoptees share their experiences 0f being part of a transracial family. We learned so much and I look forward to sharing the info in a future post.
I believe our last reference letter has been sent. We are only waiting for our Maryland child abuse clearance; apparently it is taking them about 6 weeks to get these back. Florida took 1 week :) enough said. As soon as this clearance arrives, we should be assigned a social worker and then have our interviews and home visit. Making progress!
Pictures of our house were requested along time ago which I never got around to until now. Better late than never! It is not super clear because the snow is still coming down pretty hard, but here is our house.
Trying to keep ahead of the storm (unfortunately during the time since taking this picture another inch or two has already fallen)
In other news, we finished our self studies! Both of ours ended up being 12 typed pages. I actually enjoyed the process for the opportunity for introspection it provided. I have really turned around my thinking where this is concerned. Initially, I was feeling a bit resentful about having to go through all of this to have a child when it is so easy for most people. I have begun to think of this process as a "get to" rather than a "have to." Most people don't get this type of preparation for parenting. We are getting to think about and ask ourselves questions that will help us and our child so much. Last Friday we attended the pre-adoption class and Monday evening we went to hear a panel of adult adoptees share their experiences 0f being part of a transracial family. We learned so much and I look forward to sharing the info in a future post.
I believe our last reference letter has been sent. We are only waiting for our Maryland child abuse clearance; apparently it is taking them about 6 weeks to get these back. Florida took 1 week :) enough said. As soon as this clearance arrives, we should be assigned a social worker and then have our interviews and home visit. Making progress!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Fantastic News for Military Spouses!
I know this news only applies to a few of my readers, but I figured I would pass the information along anyways because I was so excited to hear this news today. President Obama recently signed into law S. 475, the "Military Spouses Residency Relief Act." This law will allow military spouses to retain residency in their home state along with the military servicemember. Up until now military spouses essentially became a resident of the state where they were stationed, resulting in a husband and wife having different states of residence. And often resulting in the need to get a new driver's license, car registration, and pay the state taxes of the new state. Now we can keep the same residence. As a resident of a state with no state income tax (Florida) this law makes me very happy :) I have to find out if it applies to this tax year, especially since I have been having Maryland state and local taxes taken out of my paycheck. Here is the White House statement. There is also a Facebook page with information.
Adoption Application Packet Submitted!
We got our adoption application packet submitted last Friday minus both our self-studies and driving records from Florida. The driving records arrived yesterday in the mail and got sent off today. We also got our copy of the sanitation inspection so hopefully CHSFS got their copy as well. I had planned to submit my self-study with the packet, but last week ended up being pretty busy and then my monthly friend arrived so I was feeling pretty tired. I figured since John's couldn't get to his until after his final exams, I would just wait and do mine when he does his. I like to be able to bounce things off of him as I write so waiting will work out well. They have no problem with us attending the pre-adoption class on Friday since we are only missing these two things. I can't believe we are almost done with the application! They are still waiting for the results of our state and FBI background checks, child abuse clearance, and 1 reference letter (1 has been received already and 1 is on the way). After they get all these documents we will have our interviews and home visit.
I had planned for us to go the CHSFS office and drop off the application packet together and get a picture. However, one thing you learn pretty quickly as a military wife is flexibility. John ended up having a review session for one of his final exams so that plan went out the window. We did manage to get a couple pictures of us with our completed application packet so I guess that it all that matters (I asked my co-worker to take a picture of us at work).
I had planned for us to go the CHSFS office and drop off the application packet together and get a picture. However, one thing you learn pretty quickly as a military wife is flexibility. John ended up having a review session for one of his final exams so that plan went out the window. We did manage to get a couple pictures of us with our completed application packet so I guess that it all that matters (I asked my co-worker to take a picture of us at work).
Fluorescent light is not my friend. Oh well, the important thing is to document the journey so we can share it with our child.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Adoption Application Progress (and a few prayer requests)
We are almost finished with our adoption application!
Completed:
Main application
Pre-adoption class registration
Previous residence history since age 18
With Eyes Wide Open, 3 chapters of homework
Copies of Marriage and birth certificates
Adoption Expense Reimbursement Contract
Monthly Budget Form
Savings and Assets, with copies of all account statements
Application payment Form
Employment letters
Tax return and W-2
Proof of health insurance
Proof of mortgage or rent
Procedure for Adoption (just a signature needed)
Corporal punishment statement (just a signature needed)
Signed Medical releases
Adoption program disclosure statement (just a signature needed)
Affidavit regarding Adoption Program (just a signature needed)
Child Abuse Release Form (Florida and Maryland), mailed
Child Support Release Form, mailed
Driving Records, from Maryland, still waiting to receive the ones from Florida
Rabies certificate for Annie
State and FBI Fingerprint clearances, mailed
Fire Safety Inspection
Sanitation Inspection (hopefully the inspector will send in the form, she wouldn't give us a copy!)
Reference letters requested
Family picture (taken by my stepmom)
Still in the works:
Doctor's appointments on Wednesday for John and I, please pray these go well.
Self study (approximately 14 essay questions) - I am going to be working on mine Tuesday and Wednesday evening - please pray for me to have the right words and not stress over having the perfect answers. We are hoping that they will allow us to submit the application and still attend the pre-adoption class on Dec 11 without John's self study. He is in the midst of studying for finals so he will have to complete his after he takes his last final on the 11th. Please also pray for John's success on his finals.
I have been a terrible blogging friend, but as you can probably tell I have been keeping pretty busy. I am so looking forward to catching up with all of you very soon. Please forgive my lack of comments. I think of you all and pray for you often.
Completed:
Main application
Pre-adoption class registration
Previous residence history since age 18
With Eyes Wide Open, 3 chapters of homework
Copies of Marriage and birth certificates
Adoption Expense Reimbursement Contract
Monthly Budget Form
Savings and Assets, with copies of all account statements
Application payment Form
Employment letters
Tax return and W-2
Proof of health insurance
Proof of mortgage or rent
Procedure for Adoption (just a signature needed)
Corporal punishment statement (just a signature needed)
Signed Medical releases
Adoption program disclosure statement (just a signature needed)
Affidavit regarding Adoption Program (just a signature needed)
Child Abuse Release Form (Florida and Maryland), mailed
Child Support Release Form, mailed
Driving Records, from Maryland, still waiting to receive the ones from Florida
Rabies certificate for Annie
State and FBI Fingerprint clearances, mailed
Fire Safety Inspection
Sanitation Inspection (hopefully the inspector will send in the form, she wouldn't give us a copy!)
Reference letters requested
Family picture (taken by my stepmom)
Still in the works:
Doctor's appointments on Wednesday for John and I, please pray these go well.
Self study (approximately 14 essay questions) - I am going to be working on mine Tuesday and Wednesday evening - please pray for me to have the right words and not stress over having the perfect answers. We are hoping that they will allow us to submit the application and still attend the pre-adoption class on Dec 11 without John's self study. He is in the midst of studying for finals so he will have to complete his after he takes his last final on the 11th. Please also pray for John's success on his finals.
I have been a terrible blogging friend, but as you can probably tell I have been keeping pretty busy. I am so looking forward to catching up with all of you very soon. Please forgive my lack of comments. I think of you all and pray for you often.
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