Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.

Searching for the Quickest Path

Another cycle has passed. This one wasn’t as hard as the last one. I had a bit of a revelation as to why I have been having such a hard time recently. I thought I was “at peace” with not ever experiencing pregnancy. It was what we told our social worker. It felt true at the time. So what was going on? I realize now that when we got the news about the delay in the adoption, my mind began to race around searching for the quickest possibly path to a child. I was trying to find a way to make it happen. A miracle pregnancy that would bring forth a child in 9 months seemed like my best (and by best I mean quickest) option. Ever since we got the news, I have been hoping God would do a miracle and rescue me from this situation. And when I am not thinking about a miracle pregnancy, I am wondering why we can’t get a phone call, as several others I know have, making us parents in a matter of hours. I have been begging God to intervene in some way. The other thing I realized is that it has only been a year since we were officially "done" with infertility treatment. For me the grief comes in waves. I don't know if it is possible to grieve such a big loss as this all at once.

The truth is I have been a bit of a mess lately - sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes jealous, and often grieving. I always felt so strong in this battle, but now I fear it may overwhelm me.

The news about our adoption rocked my world, and not in a good way. I don't think I realized how much it had affected me until this past week. The other night I was discussing all this with John. He responded that he felt we were just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and he began to list off the series of losses that have occurred for us throughout this journey. This news rocketed me out of the comfortable secure place I was in mentally and emotionally. I really don’t understand why it has affected me this way. But suddenly, international adoption became much less of a sure thing for me. It became vulnerable. Truthfully, it always was. I knew that any number of things could cause disruptions in international adoption (like say a war between North Korea and South Korea) and even a birth mother changing her mind after you receive a referral. I knew all of this before, but for once I wasn’t concerned about it. This was going to be our time. It was finally going to happen for us. I could hope and dream. And in an email it came crashing down. For reasons, I can’t entirely explain it no longer seems real to me. Adoption now feels abstract, distant, an occurrence that may or may not happen someday.

But I want to hope again.

I want to be excited again.

I want to dream again.

P.S. I am sorry I have been such a bad blog friend lately in terms of offering support and comments. My heart has just been very heavy lately and I haven't had the strength. Morningsun, I will answer your question regarding whether we would ever do IVF again in an upcoming post.

A Painful Realization

For quite some time I have felt adoption was the right path for us. Even before we went through treatment I felt this way. I am still very excited about adopting and want to build our family through adoption. But recently I realized I am struggling with some adoption losses. I think I was quick to embrace adoption after our last treatment and in fact talked more about adoption during our second treatment cycle than I did about the possibility of conceiving a biological child. Maybe I didn't really give it enough time after my miscarriage. Mentally I was completely unprepared for another pregnancy after we lost Johannah so maybe I was too quick to think I was okay with never achieving pregnancy. After all denial is my favorite coping mechanism :)

Now that more time has passed and a great deal of healing has occurred, I am finding I think more about pregnancy. Reading books that go over developmental stages and how the particular stage impacts adoption has made me think about all that we may miss out on by not adopting a baby. As I have said before, being a mom has always been more important to me than being pregnant and I have always loved toddlers (call me crazy!) so we are open to adopting a child that is not a baby. But these losses are really hitting me right now.

And so the big realization:

Adoption won't fix infertility.

Some of these losses will remain. Adoption and infertility are two separate things. In our adoption class we talked about the gains and losses of adoption for all members of the adoption triad. I must grieve and accept the losses. But I know that the Lord is able to heal me and bring true peace. As difficult as it is right now for me to envision a time when the sight of a pregnant woman is not a source of pain, I know that is is possible. Even if I never experience pregnancy and childbirth myself, it is possible, for with God all things are possible. So I am asking God to heal me and prepare me for the family He has for me, whether through adoption or childbirth, or even both.

As part of seeking the Lord's healing, I am rereading Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward and doing the study guide at the end. It is meant for those no longer going through infertility treatment (though I read it the first time just before I started treatment). Since I am now at the point the book was meant to address, I thought I could benefit from a second reading. I may post about some of what I learn in upcoming posts, but for now this Scripture from chapter 1:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3.

Christmas and New Years Recap

I am still here! John was on a break from school so I took a break from blogging to spend time with him while I could. We managed to dig out of the huge snow storm I mentioned in my last post. We ended up getting about 19 inches!




Needless to say we holed up inside for a few days including Monday since the federal government shut down which meant I didn't have to work. John and I did manage to get out briefly on Monday for some shopping and a lunch date. The rest of that week I had to work and make preparations for cooking my first Christmas dinner. Despite six years of marriage, I have never cooked a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. We have always gone to family or friends. Since we are saving for adoption, we decided to stay home this year.

Here is my menu:

Ham, twice baked potatoes, sweet potato casserole, temptation salad (a "fruit" salad with marshmallows, sweetened condensed milk, almond extract, and whipped cream), cranberry sauce, garden salad, and rolls. Dessert was pumpkin pie, shoefly pie, and coconut cake. I only had to make the pumpkin pie, the other desserts were brought by friends. I think it went off very well and I was quite pleased with myself. I wish I had taken a picture to document it.

I also discovered something new the day before Christmas Eve. Dogs like chocolate. My dog likes chocolate. I woke up to this:

What was a full candy bowl of chocolate was empty and on the floor. Four hundred and fifty dollars later we had one unhappy, but alive pooch.

You can see the charcoal stains on her beard.

We had a great Christmas with friends and some family (John's brother and my cousin who both live in the DC area). We went to Christmas Eve service, then had a few friends over for brunch Christmas morning. We also got to read the Christmas story and sing a few carols. This is something I have always wanted to do on Christmas, but it has never been part of my family tradition. Since this was really our first Christmas at our own home, it was nice to be able to establish what I hope will become a regular part of our Christmas. Later in the day we had a few more folks over for dinner and then played some games.

I was okay during Christmas, the hardest times were while I was at work the week prior to Christmas. Since it was so slow, I had too much time to think. The day after Christmas infertility/loss really hit me hard. We went to visit some friends (our former neighbors at Eglin AFB) who are expecting their first child. I inquired about our other neighbor who I had not heard from in a while. I had this nagging feeling that I knew why. My suspicions were confirmed, she is also pregnant due in February. That same day, we had an engagement party to go to. I don't fully understand why and I would be curious if anyone else feels this way, but weddings have also become difficult for me. I think it is because one of two things will happen, either I will get a pregnancy announcement in the near future or worse that couple will become one of us. I can't help but think of the hopes and dreams most of us have as we start out our married lives. For some of us, those dreams are shattered. The other thing (which I am sure is completely in my head) is I feel like John and I are an ugly reminder to the new couple that things don't always turn out like we want them to. I am pretty sure most people already know this, but I still feel this way. Anyway, by the end of the day I was a complete mess. I cried almost the entire drive home, almost 2 hours (my poor husband). The following week was another slow one at work, which gave me too much time to think about this time last year. I was pregnant. I was starting to think I could relax and begin to enjoy the pregnancy. And then my world shattered.

However, John and I were able to spend some fun times together the week after Christmas, we had a dinner and a movie date to see the Blind Side (highly recommend it) and took full advantage of Netflix (also highly recommend). New Years Eve we stayed in and watched movies. The weekend after we went out to Virginia - it is so beautiful there. We did a little antiquing and had a very relaxing time.

This past week John started school again. This semester is looking even tougher than last. I will be happy when this first year of school is over in May. Supposedly it gets easier the second year.

I also started a course called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement this past Tuesday. It has a huge textbook and tons of assigned reading. I think it will keep me pretty busy as we wait for the adoption. I am also continuing to take part in a North Korea prayer group each week. I am so blessed to be a part of this ministry. I feel like I have finally found my passion in life.

Yesterday, the Christmas decorations came down and the house is back in order. Always makes me a little sad. Another year has begun. It is officially 5 years of infertility - I don't say trying to conceive (TTC) because we aren't really trying anymore. But it is five years of wanting and waiting, and hoping....

I hope this year is the year for me and for all of you who are waiting with me.

9 weeks today and some pictures

It's been awhile since I last posted, so I'll give an update on what's been going on with us. I've also decided to finally post some pictures. John and I had a great Christmas with my family. Unfortunately, I got sick the Tuesday before Christmas. It started out as a bad sore throat and then progressed to a bad cough and chest congestion. I felt like I was running a low grade fever, but when I took my temperature it was 101.4, which was very alarming. I took Tylenol over the next few days to keep my fever down. By Friday when we got back from visiting my family, I was feeling much better other than a really bad cough. I was trying not to take any medicine, so I was pretty miserable especially since my cough kept me from sleeping well at night. I finally took the lowest suggested dose of Robitussin, which helped a little. It took me about a week to recover fully, which is not so bad I suppose. One of my concerns is the high fever so early in pregnancy, but I saw in one of the books I have that above 102 is the major concern so hopefully it didn't cause any problems.

On Tuesday, December 30th I got to see my doctor for the first time. It wasn't a full first OB appointment though because I was only able to get a walk-in appointment. I have my first full appointment next Tuesday. I absolutely love my doctor!!! I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. John is a nurse in the same office as our doctor and even though there were many excellent doctors to choose from, John really felt led to Dr. S. After meeting him, I can see why. I really feel that the Lord led John to choose Dr. S. He has additional training in high risk pregnancy and has a heart for another major issue I have been dealing with (I will go into this more at some point when I am ready to give my full testimony). At the end of our appointment, he prayed with us. I left the appointment truly amazed at the Lord's goodness to us in providing this doctor. We also got to have a second ultrasound. We got to hear and see baby's heartbeat, now 176 bpm. We could also got to see the umbilical cord. The area where there appeared to be a second gestational sac was now smaller than on the previous ultrasound. It appears that what is likely to have happened is that both embryos implanted, but only one made it. Several people have asked me how I am doing with this loss. I am okay, I think that right now the excitement of the one that is growing inside me overshadows the sadness of the loss of our other four. Also, I have prayed, and I know so many of you have been praying for all of our babies. I prayed that the Lord's will would be done in each of their lives, and I have a peace in my heart that His will was done. In some ways, I had hoped for twins because it would have been "two for the price of one" and I don't know if we will ever be able to afford another IVF cycle. The reality is, short of God doing a miracle, John and I will never conceive naturally. So from that perspective, twins would have been nice since I have always wanted more than one child. On the other hand, twins would be very difficult, especially with John starting school in June. I also like the idea of being able to focus on and bond with one child.

We had a fairly low key New Years. On New Years Eve, we drove to Defuniak Springs to check out the Christmas Reflections light show they put on every year. They have 3 million lights with all kinds of decorations set up around a lake. Well worth the drive in my opinion. The lights were great, but both John and I were actually more interested in the beautifully decorated homes on the other side of the street. Most of the homes were white clapboard with black shutters and beautiful wrap-around porches. This is my ideal house type. I just love them, especially when decorated very traditionally for Christmas with garland and wreaths with white lights and red bows. After we got back, I fell asleep on the couch well before midnight. New Years Day we just relaxed and then went to see Valkerie. We both really liked it and I would definitely recommend seeing it. Friday we went to Eden Gardens State Park and Seaside (where they filmed the Truman Show). We had excellent tacos at Bud and Alleys. If you are ever in Seaside, I would highly recommend Bud and Alleys. Saturday we took down our Christmas tree and all of our Christmas decorations, the house seems so empty now without them. Other than church on Sunday, we've just been relaxing. I have found that I was more tired at eight weeks than I was at 5-7 weeks so I have been having trouble getting motivated. I did go to my first Moms in Motion exercise class yesterday. It was fantastic and I am so happy to have a class like this available. I think I would have been afraid to work myself as hard as she worked us and when it comes to strength training I need the push. I have always been able to push myself at cardio, but never at strength training.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good other than the expected pregnancy symptoms, some of which are TMI so I won't list them. I have occasional queasiness, but no morning sickness. My mom had six kids and never had morning sickness, so maybe it runs in the family. Having the two ultrasounds has definitely eased my nerves a great deal. I think the fact that several concerns can be crossed off the list helps a great deal. I have also been focusing more on the Lord again (more on this in an upcoming post), which is taking away my fears.

So here are some pictures:

Me at the hospital just before egg retrieval - a
huge step of faith for me to take a picture.

Baby's first picture, 3 days old

Me at the hospital for transfer

John at the hospital for transfer - he was allowed in the room with me for transfer.

John brought these home on transfer day, which was also my birthday. He had the florist put five white roses in to represent our five babies conceived through this IVF cycle.

My first BFP on Nov 30th, it was difficult to get a good picture, but there is a faint line.

John and I celebrating our BFP - with sparkling cider of course!!

I had to take another one so I could get a better picture, I may never see this again!

1st ultrasound on Dec 22nd, 6 weeks and 6 days, heartbeat 126 bpm.

2nd ultrasound on Dec 30th, 8 weeks, heartbeat 176 bpm.

1st Ultrasound

John and I have great news - we saw a strong, beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound this morning!!!!! It was beating at 126 bpm which is within the proper range. Baby looked great, but was measuring slightly less than 6 weeks, 6 days.

There also appeared to be a second gestational sac, but there was no yolk sac or baby with this one. There is still a possibility that this is second baby that is lagging way behind or is difficult to see because of its position. However, this is probably not the case. Hopefully, we will know more once we hear from the doctor's office. Of course I am very excited about seeing the other one's heartbeat, but I am concerned about this second baby. If you would, please keep this in your prayers.

John and I can't thank all of you enough for your prayers and encouragement throughout this process, we have been so blessed by all of you.

We are just about to leave to spend Christmas with my family in Melbourne, FL so I won't by blogging much until I get back. I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas!

6 weeks today!

I'm sorry for posting so infrequently. Between the increased social activities, cookie exchange, ladies luncheon at church, Christmas shopping, and almost daily afternoon rests/naps I have been keeping pretty busy. I can't believe I am 6 weeks along as of today! I forgot to ask Dr. K's office what they had as my due date, but I calculated it using an online calculator to be August 11th. If you put in my retrieval date of November 18th, you can get my results.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who left comments or sent emails congratulating us and letting us know that you are praying for us. It has meant so much to both John and I to have the support and prayers of so many people as we have gone through this process.

I did have a bit of a scare last week. Late Wednesday evening, I noticed some spotting - very light and almost orange in color. Needless to say, I was beyond scared. I completely broke down, spent some time crying out to the Lord, and then cried myself to sleep. First thing Thursday morning, I called Dr. K's office to let them know what had happened. I had previously committed to helping with the table decorations for the women's luncheon being held that day, so I went on to church with my cell phone in my pocket to wait for their call. Thankfully, they called back fairly quickly and before the luncheon started. They assured me that everything was fine. She said that the spotting is due to the progesterone inserts that I am taking and the increased vascularization of my cervix. They said I shouldn't worry unless it is red. Even so, anytime you see any amount and any color of blood in pregnancy, it's just plain scary. I have had a small amount of light spotting since then, but I have managed not to let it bother me too much.

These last couple of days, I have been less worried overall and I have been able to rejoice more in what has happened. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real though. I am really looking forward to our ultrasound on Dec 22nd when hopefully it will become more real, but at the same time I am nervous. It is hard not to wonder if sorrow awaits. I am optimistic though and so far there is no indication that I shouldn't be. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of mixed up emotions, but that is just how it is. I oscillate back and forth between different emotions. Throughout this IVF cycle, I have thought a lot about hope and I know there is reason to hope because my hope is in the Lord and He is able.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 (NLT)

The outcome of our IVF cycle

I'm sorry for the delay in posting the outcome of our IVF cycle, but I had to contact some people personally before making the announcement. Also, I needed some time to process what was happening. I am pregnant! Of course, John and I are happy, but to tell you the truth it doesn't really seem real to us yet. I think the other thing that weighs heavily upon me is that this news can be so painful for others who are still waiting and longing for a child. I hate that my news will cause others pain and having been on the receiving end of pregnancy announcements I know it very likely will. To those who are still waiting, I am so sorry. I know how painful IF is. I don't think I will ever forget, nor do I want to because I know it has made me more compassionate towards all types of pain. Please know that I pray daily for you.

In fact, it was a pregnancy announcement that precipitated us finding out that I am pregnant. The Sunday after Thanksgiving I received my second pregnancy announcement inside of 2 weeks and I was feeling very upset. I was happy for the other ladies but frankly I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was sure I was going to get a negative because I was feeling major PMS symptoms which is not that unusual for me in the week before I start. Apparently, John did not agree that it was PMS so he basically said "that's it, I am going out to buy you a pregnancy test." I took it Sunday night and it was faintly positive. At first, I was thinking maybe it's the Ovidrel (hCG hormone they give you to trigger ovulation in IVF) still in my system. The next morning, okay it was really 4:00am when I woke up to pee (now a frequent occurrence), I took another test and it was a stronger positive. At first, I was going to try to wait the full 2 weeks as Dr. K had said, but I just couldn't, especially when my husband is a nurse and can get a pregnancy test ordered for me anytime. So I went in on Monday and they confirmed that I was definitely pregnant. I went back for more blood tests on Wednesday and Friday to see if my beta (hCG levels) had doubled and they had which is very good news. Dr. K's office said everything looks good and they scheduled my ultrasound for December 22nd. If heartbeat is seen on this ultrasound, then that will mean things look very good for the pregnancy. Even though things are going well and I feel very pregnant (fatigue, mild nausea, frequent urination, and breast soreness) I am still very nervous. I am finding it very hard not to worry or be fearful. I know that everything is in the Lord's hands, but trusting in that is easier said than done. I am also concerned about hurting others so between the two issues, I haven't really celebrated this yet. However, I know I need to praise God for what He has done. He has done a wondrous deed and I am completely overwhelmed by His grace and mercy to me. Yes, we used advanced reproductive technology, but Dr. K was merely the instrument, it was God who brought this about and all the glory is His. The fact is every one of our prayer requests was answered.

There is some sad news, however, the other 3 embryos that were not transferred did not make it. Dr. K's office freezes on day 5 which is the blastocyst stage of development. From what I understand this is a difficult developmental hurdle to overcome as only 40% of embryos will develop to blastocysts. The 3 that weren't transferred were also the 3 weakest since they choose the 2 best embryos to transfer. It is hard not to wonder if they could have survived if they were transferred into me, but I know that would not have been a good idea to transfer all of them since it would have placed all their lives at risk. I prayed that all of them would survive, but I also prayed that the Lord's will would be done in each of their lives and I must accept that it was.

I have read Psalm 65 a lot throughout this process. It is described as a hymn in praise of God's great goodness which seems like an appropriate way to end this post:

1 Praise awaits you, O God, in Zion;
to you our vows will be fulfilled.

2 O you who hear prayer,
to you all men will come.

3 When we were overwhelmed by sins,
you forgave our transgressions.

4 Blessed are those you choose
and bring near to live in your courts!
We are filled with the good things of your house,
of your holy temple.

5 You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness,
O God our Savior,
the hope of all the ends of the earth
and of the farthest seas,

6 who formed the mountains by your power,
having armed yourself with strength,

7 who stilled the roaring of the seas,
the roaring of their waves,
and the turmoil of the nations.

8 Those living far away fear your wonders;
where morning dawns and evening fades
you call forth songs of joy.

9 You care for the land and water it;
you enrich it abundantly.
The streams of God are filled with water
to provide the people with grain,
for so you have ordained it.

10 You drench its furrows
and level its ridges;
you soften it with showers
and bless its crops.

11 You crown the year with your bounty,
and your carts overflow with abundance.

12 The grasslands of the desert overflow;
the hills are clothed with gladness.

13 The meadows are covered with flocks
and the valleys are mantled with grain;
they shout for joy and sing.