Big News!!!

First, I want to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a busy and joy-filled holiday season. We spent Thanksgiving with friends, had a visit from my mom in early December, worked on photo book projects for the grandparents, celebrated Christmas at home, and then went to visit John's sister and her family in San Diego over the New Year holiday.

There is a reason this Christmas was especially joyful for our family. It is because we were celebrating the amazing news we received right before Thanksgiving. John's deployment was cancelled!!!!

I was completely shocked when John called to tell me. I kept asking him, "Is this for real?" He already had his orders and flight arranged. He had even been to some of his pre-deployment training and was just days away from leaving for more training. A cancellation at this point is highly unusual. I think it took 2 weeks or more for the news to finally sink in; I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to be re-tasked. But it didn't and he hasn't been. As of now, John is not scheduled to be deployed again, obviously this can change at any moment in the military, but for now we are rejoicing that he is home with us.

When we received the news back in August, we were absolutely heartbroken. Deploying at this time would mean John would have missed Jonah’s homecoming from Korea and would not meet his second son until after his 2nd birthday. In addition, it would mean that I would have the incredibly difficult task of going through the transition period with Jonah by myself, a time when he will likely be grieving hard and adjusting to such a traumatic change. Due to the need to establish a secure attachment with us first, I wouldn’t have been able to allow anyone else to help care for him during this time. Needless to say, we felt completely overwhelmed and unsure of how we would get through this. All we could do was put it in the Lord’s hands; we felt certain He was at work in our situation and knew we were not to fight this. We desired God’s will and trusted that He would work things out for His glory and see us through this situation. That was our prayer.

In addition, many other people were praying for us, my mom’s church, family members, friends, my friend Wendi’s mom along with her team of intercessors, and pretty much anybody who heard about our situation.

But never in a million years would we have guessed how God would work things out! He answered in the most miraculous way and we are so grateful.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

The question I have been asked most often is "why?" The truth is we can't really give any earthly reason as to why; we don't really have an explanation. It is God's grace and mercy. Not only was there Jonah's homecoming, but there was the issue of John's safety. We found out that John was tasked to be a part of team that would be going "outside the wire" as it's often called, which is incredibly dangerous and is how most non-combatants are killed. I honestly feel like God spared John's life. In addition, based on the behavior that we saw from Joshua after John returned from training, we believe that a deployment would have been seriously damaging to John and Joshua's relationship. Joshua was very close to his foster father in Korea and therefore has had a difficult time bonding to John (attachment was difficult for both of us, but more so with John).

There are some who are inclined to think that it is because President Obama was re-elected; I have no idea whether that was an direct or indirect factor or not. But what I can tell you is that God has been moving the hearts of kings and leaders for thousands of years (see Ezra 1:1) in order to accomplish His purposes. What I can also tell you is that 2 more people in John's clinic have been tasked to deploy (not because John's was cancelled) and I know of others who husbands have just recently deployed.

I also want to be clear about something else. I don't believe this happened because we had the right number of people praying, "gave it all up to God," prayed just the right prayer, or anything else. So often you hear people say how they just did ________ and boom, their prayer was answered - they had a miracle pregnancy, got married, found a job, got healed, etc. Having been on the receiving end of this type of statement during our years of waiting for a child, I know how painful it can be to hear this, as if we are the ones in control and if you just do this, your problem will be solved. Sometimes you pray, surrender, ask others to pray with you, give it all up to God, and then God says no. It is not because of anything you did or didn't do, it is because God in His sovereignty said that was not His plan for you, at least right now. I don't know why we received this miracle; we feel completely undeserving of it. We are grateful and humbled by it. It did not happen because we did just the right thing, it was God in His sovereignty working out his plan. If you are facing the deployment of your spouse or family member, please know my heart and my prayers are with you. I don't mean to cause you more pain in sharing our news. I only want to give thanks to God and tell of His "wonderful deeds" because this was all Him.

"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” Psalm 9:1

9 Years Ago Today...

..I married my best friend. He still is my best friend, even more so today. I am so very blessed and thankful.

Looking forward to next year, when God willing we will be together on our anniversary and celebrating 10 years of marriage.

A little pre-wedding snack/lunch

 

Happy 9th Anniversary John, I love you so much!

Deployment

I have struggled to write this post so much, I don't want it to be real I guess. Plus, I have a tendency to shutdown after difficult news, often withdrawing from family and friends and finding it difficult to write for a while.

We found out in August that John is going to be deployed to Afghanistan. Orders are now in hand, so any hope we had of it being canceled is now gone. I can't get into specifics as far as exactly when and where, but I will say that in all likelihood he will miss Jonah's homecoming. Even now, I can't write this without starting to cry. Jonah will be two before he meets his daddy.

To say this news devastated me feels like an understatement. I am heartbroken over it.

I wrote the following to a few friends the day after we received the news. It captures my feelings well.

I am so so scared of going through the transition period when Jonah is grieving hard and adjusting by myself. I still haven't written about everything we went through with Joshua, but it was REALLY HARD, especially the first 5 months. I really don't know how I am going to do it by myself. Never have I felt less capable or up to something in my life. We had a middle of the road transition experience with Joshua, not the most difficult, but most certainly not the easiest. I am asking God for His great mercy in this for an easy transition with Jonah. When he first comes home, I won't be able to allow anyone else to help with Jonah for bonding purposes, so if he is up screaming and crying, it is going to be all me. I need your prayers, for strength, for comfort, for peace. I just can't believe John won't be here to experience this with me. I am heartbroken that John won't get to meet his son for several months at least. And I don't know how we are going to transition to being a family of four once John is home.

I don't really know what else to say. I am sad. I am scared, for John's safety, for the bond between John and Joshua, for how Jonah will transition and how he will respond to daddy coming home.

As I have so often in the past, I sought comfort from the Lord through His word; He immediately led me to Psalm 29:11,

 "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

I believe it is His promise to me during this time. I really have never felt less capable of anything in my life, but I believe that God is faithful and He will supply all that I need during this time.

We would be so thankful for your prayers for our family and for John's safety.

Checking in (and some possible adoption news - unfortunately not the good kind)

I am still here. We moved into our house last Thursday and so I was without an internet connection until late Monday night after our household goods were delivered.

All our stuff made it to AZ! Our dining room table has a split in the top of it (barely noticeable), but other than that we had no lost or damaged items. In my book, that is a successful military move!

I am in the midst of unpacking and getting everything set up. John put Joshua's crib together last night :-) I actually have fun setting up and decorating a house, so I am enjoying myself.

I read some potentially devastating news today on the adoption forum. Dillon, who is also partnered with ESWS in Korea, had said that the Ministry has announced that there will be no more EPs issued until July. We have already been waiting 6 weeks for approval. We may now be waiting another month for EP approval, which means we will not travel until at least August and maybe even September. However, there has been no news about this from our agency. I am really hoping it is just a misunderstanding of some sort. I won't believe it until I hear confirmation of it from our agency. I am in shock over the news. I really don't even know what to say about it.

I guess I will just get back to unpacking and hope for the best.

Our First Week in AZ - Praise and Prayer Requests

It looks like we found a house! We signed the lease today and should move in on Wednesday or Thursday of this week. The Lord was definitely merciful and faithful to provide. Monday evening after we got here, we drove around to get the lay of the land and an idea of which neighborhoods would be most ideal. Tuesday morning we began calling places and quickly realized that with it being the moving season for the military population, houses that had been listed for months were flying off the market if they were newer and in one of the safer, more desirable locations. We decided to narrow our search to the southeast side of Tucson where a lot of other military families live. It is still relatively close to the base and within our price range, but farther away from the heavy crime areas that are right near the base.

Our first choice (based on the pictures on the MLS) was already rented, but we were able to get an appointment that afternoon to see our second choice. In the meantime we went to see one other house, but it backed up to a small shopping center that had a lot of vacancies and was in one of the neighborhoods that is closer to the base. One of my biggest criteria was whether I would feel safe in the house by myself when John is deployed, this house just didn't fit the bill. So we drove around a little more looking at some other neighborhoods and then went back to our hotel to wait for our appointment (no one else had called us back on any other houses). We decided that if the house met our needs we would say yes to it. With the rental market being what it is, we couldn't afford to wait for the "perfect" house and so we set a goal of good enough. Anyone who knows me knows that setting a goal of adequate or good enough is quite an accomplishment for my perfectionist self. The house absolutely was good enough, in truth it is more than adequate.

So we basically found our house our first full day in Tucson! It was actually hard to understand why it was still available, it was like the Lord had it waiting for us. The homeowners are upside down (as most everyone is in AZ), so that was concerning, but they have been successfully renting the house for many years. We were also able to get the homeowners to agree to a foreclosure clause requiring them to notify us within 5 days if they are in any stage of foreclosure and allowing us to break the lease without penalty in that case.

Since we found our house so quickly, I was able to begin working on my autobiography for our application for our new home study with Dillon Southwest. Since Joshua isn't yet home with us, we basically have to do a whole new home study in Arizona and then finalize the adoption here. Arizona law requires that the home study be certified by the court so we have to do almost everything all over again. The good news is that it costs 1/3 of what it costs in Maryland and you don't have to hire a lawyer to finalize the adoption; the county lawyer can represent us. I am hoping to have the application complete this week, so that I am free to focus on the house once we get our household goods delivered.

John is taking his certification exam to become a Family Nurse Practitioner as I write this, please be praying for his success. Update - he passed!!!! So proud of my hubby!

I have also been dealing with a very painful back injury and would love prayer for healing. I actually don't know when I injured it, maybe it was just a combination of all the bending and lifting with the move followed by the drive here. By our final day of driving I was in agony and it has only mildly improved since then. It hurts to bend over, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to sit down, and frequently spasms. I have 27 pound little boy to start picking up! I really want to be feeling better very soon!

No news to report on the adoption front. We are going on week 5 of waiting for EP approval, average is 4-6 weeks, so it could be any day now. After that it is another 1-3 weeks until travel call, though I am thinking 3 weeks is more likely based on the fact that the last group took at least 3 weeks and with an October ATK date, we are one of the last families in that group. I am feeling more ready everyday to meet our boy!!!!

We Are "Home"

2,400 miles later.... and we are "home," or at least at our temporary one at Davis Monthan AFB temporary lodging. It is actually super nice, much nicer than the temporary lodging facility at Eglin AFB (for my friends there who suffered through them)! John checked in at the housing office and unfortunately there is no availability for company grade officers (5 people ahead of us and no one moving out for 30-60 days). So it looks like it will be off-base housing for us. Please be praying we find a place quickly, specifically one in which the homeowner isn't in danger of foreclosure - there is a lot of that out here.

First impressions of AZ: 1) Love the mountains and the desert landscape - just beautiful, 2) A dry heat really does make a difference in how hot it feels (I really dislike humidity), 3) However, the sun is still blazing hot.

What I have learned already: 1) A dirt devil is not just a vacuum cleaner brand, 2) Out here sunglasses aren't just a fashionable accessory, 3) Driving through the crosswinds on the mountain roads should count as exercise, 4) Re-fuel whenever you can because it could be miles before you come across another gas station (thankfully I didn't have to learn this the hard way).

And the house hunt starts........NOW.

On our way to Arizona

We are on our way to Arizona. All our stuff was put on the truck last Friday and should be on its way to AZ. It may even get there before we do. Since we don't have a house yet, it will be put in storage until we can take delivery of everything. Overall the whole process went well. The only snafu was when the driver showed up with a huge 18-wheeler instead of the small shuttle truck that had been requested. Anyone who has been to our house will immediately understand the problem. Our street has a good  amount of traffic and a 30 mph speed limit. It is also a bus route and an emergency route. The truck was blocking one whole lane of traffic and so it was only a matter of time before the police came (thankfully he was able to move it before that happened). Unfortunately, the driver's company had no more trucks available that day and so he had to go rent a small Uhaul and shuttle our stuff in two truckloads to his truck which he left parked in a not so great neighborhood in DC. We will see how it all turns out :-)

When the packers are packing all the stuff, they usually label the box with the contents and whatever room it came from. Most of Joshua's stuff was located in an empty spot in our living room, so I expected the guy to just label it "living room" and I would sort through it later. But once I told him about Joshua he decided to label things differently:

Made me so happy :-))

After everything was loaded on the truck we spent the weekend cleaning. We also got to spend a little time with a few friends. I wish it could have been more. It just all happened so fast. Next thing I knew it was Tuesday and we were in our cars and on our way. We got to my brother's house in Austin, TX last night. We are going to take a break from our 3 days of driving and then get back on the road to arrive in Tucson by Monday in time to go to the military housing office before it closes for the day. I wish we could spend more time in Texas. We have friends and other family here we would love to meet up with (including a few friends I have come to know through blogging) if time permitted. However, we want to get to Tucson as quickly as possible so that we can start getting everything ready for Joshua's homecoming.

It still hasn't hit me that I no longer live in Maryland, that we are really moving - probably a coping mechanism :-).

Let the Adventure Begin!

Things have been pretty crazy over the past week.

First, my hubby graduated on Saturday and is now a Family Nurse Practitioner! I am so proud of him. These past 2 years have involved a tremendous amount of hard work, sacrifice, and dedication. During the first year, all John did was go to class and study, and the second year was only a little better. Needless to say, I am so happy to finally have my husband back.

 My dad, John and I at dinner that evening

The last of the family members that were in town for John's graduation left today. John and I have been working all day long on packing, sorting, and getting everything ready for the movers who are coming tomorrow. I have been working on getting things cleaned out and organized over the last few weeks since I knew with family in town for the graduation we weren't going to have much time to get ready. They will take two days to pack us and then one day to load everything on the truck, so as of Friday our stuff will be one its way to Arizona. Saturday and Sunday are cleaning days, and we'll have dinner with friends in the evenings. Monday will be a day off to spend with friends and Tuesday after the carpet cleaners finish up, we will hit the road. I am also hoping that somewhere in here we can shop for gifts for Joshua's foster family. It is hard to believe we are leaving in a week. It will take about 40 hours of driving to reach Tucson. We plan on taking a pit stop in Austin over the weekend to give us a break and then we will arrive in Tucson by June 6th. I am so sad to leave our friends here, but I am also beginning to feel excited. I am not sure what the next 3 or 4 years in Arizona will bring, but I am looking forward to finding out because I have a definite sense that the Lord wants us there. Over and over, He confirmed that Tucson was the place He was calling us to.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Let the adventure begin!

In a sun-scorched land...

As I find myself tempted to worry and fret over whether we will find a  house in time, especially with yesterday's great news creating an additional sense of urgency, I realized that I needed to arm myself with the Truth. So I began searching out Bible verses about God's provision and was led to this verse:

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

Hmmm, a "sun-scorched land," that sounds like Arizona to me :-) .

So I decided that this will be my verse to return to every time I am tempted to worry and be fearful. My Heavenly Father knows all my needs and has promised to meet them "according to His  glorious riches in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19.

"Day by day, and with each passing moment, Strength I find to meet my trials here; Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear." 
Lyrics by Lina Sandell

Less Than a Month Until the Big Move (to Tucson, AZ!)

I know I put the news on Facebook, but I don't think I posted it here yet. It is official we are moving to Tucson, AZ. I wonder how long I will live there before I don't have to think about how to spell Tucson ('c' before 's'). Based on how it's pronounced, don't you think it would make sense that the 's' would go before the 'c'? So it appears that 2-4 years of good hair days are in my future.

I have mixed feelings about the move. Part of me loves the adventure and the chance to explore a new area. I feel I haven't lived where I want to live yet (if that makes any sense). So who knows maybe Arizona is the place where we would want to live, though I am pretty sure that place is Colorado even though I have never been there, or maybe Texas :-)

The other part of me is so sad to say good-bye once again. Since we lived in the DC area before we lived in FL, this is the second time we are saying good-bye to many of our friends here. But what I didn't expect with us being in this area for only 2 years was to have to say good-bye to new friends. But we will have to and though it is hard, I wouldn't want to change a thing because we have met some truly wonderful people. It is especially sad to me to be saying good-bye to the friends I have met recently who have or are adopting from Korea because of the bond we share.

It is scary to think about starting over in a completely new area. I have been to Arizona only once before (a work trip to Phoenix), so I really don't know what it's like there. John grew up in New Mexico so he has a greater familiarity with the southwest and is excited about moving back west - he is not a fan of the east coast at all. Being a bit shy and awkward socially, it is also really intimidating to me to make new friends. I find the first year at a new place is often a very lonely time. What makes this upcoming move a bit more difficult for me is that we will be going through it at such a major transition point in our lives as we become parents for the first time. Since John's last 2 years of school have been absolutely crazy and we really haven't gotten to spend much time with each other, I am really hoping we can just use the time while we don't know many people to reconnect with each other. Plus it will make "cocooning" with Joshua during our transition time much easier with less pressure to see friends and family.

There is one really bright spot for me in all this - a true "God thing." When I first posted about our move, mentioning that Arizona was a possibility, Christy left me a comment that she may also be moving to AZ. Not too long after that Grace organized a group of adoptive families (and adoptive families-to-be) to go to the Lunar New Year celebration at KUMC in Virginia. When I found out Christy was going to be there, I had this feeling that I needed to go, that she was someone I was supposed to get to know. Well fast forward till now, and guess what, Christy and I will be living only an hour from each other in AZ! An hour may sound like a lot, but after living in the DC area, I can tell you it is nothing. It takes me an hour due to traffic to meet up with Christy right now. How amazing is this: 2 women connect through blogging, both love the Lord, both live in the DC area, both are adopting from Korea, both are military spouses, and both end up moving to AZ!!!! How cool is that! To know I will have a friend nearby is such a blessing and is really helping to make this move more bearable. I love that we will be able to go to the airport for each other to celebrate our children's homecoming, set up a weekly play date, and just be there to support one another.

I do have a prayer request. We don't have the time or the finances for a house hunting trip right now, so please be praying we find a house quickly once we get out there. The new base housing is very nice, so we put an application in. We are currently #17 out of 18 on the waitlist. Not sure what are chances are of being offered a house in time so please keep us in your prayers.

Are 2-4 Years of Good Hair Days in My Future?

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support after my last post. John and I completed the preference list for our next military assignment and got it turned in to his senior officer. We feel pretty comfortable with our choices given the 13 potential options, many of which are considered undesirable locations.

We based our decision largely on the following:

- The presence of an adoption agency that had an already established partnership agreement with our agency

- The presence of an adoption agency with a Korea program (we want to be around other families who have or are adopting from Korea)

- Presence of an Asian American (and preferably Korean) community, as a minimum Korean churches, restaurants, and grocery stores (we really, really don't want our son to be or feel like he is the only Korean person around)

I realize there are some who won't understand or agree with our reasoning, but I feel the decision to adopt transracially/transculturally comes with responsibility. As far as it is in our control and to the best of our ability, we want to ensure our son is around other Korean adoptees and other Korean Americans. As is the case this time, we may not have the option of living in an area like the DC metro area, Los Angeles, New York, or New Jersey which all have large Korean communities, but we will do the best we can. This also means we can't select places based only on their closeness to family.

There are many assignments in the military where none of the above three requirements would be met and so we are trying to avoid those places. Basically, that meant we chose metropolitan areas.

So here is how we ranked the potential choices we were given:

1. Davis Monthan AFB - Tuscon, AZ

2. Luke AFB - Phoenix, AZ

3. Randolph AFB - Universal City, TX (just outside of San Antonio)

4. Lackland AFB - San Antonio, TX

5. Tinker AFB - Oklahoma City, OK (believe it or not it actually has the highest percentage of the population that are Asian of almost all these choices, but it doesn't have an agency that is partnered with ours, and it has tornadoes, so it is #5 )

6. Sheppard AFB - Wichita Falls, TX

7. Goodfellow AFB - San Angelo, TX

8. Scott AFB - near Belleville, IL

9. Keesler AFB - Biloxi, MS

10. Barksdale AFB - Shreveport, LA (sorry to my Louisiana friends, it is nothing against Louisiana, it just didn't meet the above requirements)

11. FE Warren - Cheyenne, Wyoming

12. Kirtland AFB - Albuquerque, NM

13. Cannon AFB - Clovis, NM

I had the opportunity to visit Phoenix for work last August. The dry heat is my friend - my hair looked better than it ever has all week long, even after walking around outside in the heat. So maybe 2-4 years of good hair days are in my future.

Okay, so we didn't  choose Arizona based on the potential for my hair to look good, though with hair as baby fine as mine is, it sure is a bonus. Arizona was the only place that had an agency with a Korea program that was already a partner agency with our agency, and so it went to the top of the list.

Christy, it made me so happy to read your comment on my last post that there is a chance you might also be moving to Arizona! One of the things that will be most difficult for me about moving is that I have begun to meet other families adopting from Korea here in the DC area. I really want Joshua to have "Seoul brothers" to have play dates with and to have a support network of other adoptive parents wherever we end up.

Overall, I am feeling better about the move and the timing of everything. Deep down I think I have been fearing the whole adoption would fall apart because of it. I called our adoption agency to talk about our upcoming move which did a lot to allay my fears. She recommended we try not to go to a couple of states if we could help it (one of which wasn't even a possibility), but overall she said our move wasn't going to be a problem. I was mainly concerned about having to update our home study once we got to the new state and what would happen if we got our travel call before we could get it updated. She said it wouldn't be a problem as long as our home study from Maryland wasn't due to expire (which it won't be since we are in the process of renewing it now). I told her everyone had been telling us that we were going to get our travel call in May right when we are trying to move. She laughed and said, "That isn't going to happen," meaning there was no way we would be traveling by then given the fact that our paperwork didn't go to Korea until October 5th. She said she didn't think we would travel until August or maybe even September, which would be the full "up to 11 months" that we have been told our wait would be. 

At least we should have plenty of time to update our home study and set up Joshua's room at our new house ;-)

Prayer Request

We just got back last night from a quick weekend trip to Florida (Melbourne, not Eglin) to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. My brother and his fiance, and John and I got in late Friday night and surprised him. I had an such amazing time! It was one of the best trips to see my family I have ever had.

It didn't give much of an opportunity for rest this weekend, but it was totally worth it.

I have 2 prayer requests and would greatly appreciate your prayers:

First, could you please pray for my friend Wendi? After many years of infertility, she is pregnant with her third child, and just had an emergency appendectomy in Turkey. I can't imagine how scary this must be for her. Mom and baby are reportedly doing well after the surgery.

Secondly, the Air Force FNP potential assignment list just came out. As I mentioned in a previous post, we are due to move at the end of May, possibly the end of June, to John's next assignment with the Air Force. Our adoption agency got permission from Eastern for our move after explaining to them that military families have no choice about moving. However, this was before the extended wait until travel happened. Prior to this, we were supposed to be traveling to Korea before our move, and now it may not happen until after. It just adds further complication to the process and I am just not sure how it is all going to go in terms of timing, which creates some anxiety in me. We may have to do a completely new home study for the new state - I think this is the part that worries me most in terms of the timing.

We need to rank order the 13 potential assignments on the list. To my family, none of them are in Florida :-(

I'll give a few hints. Based solely on the number of bases on the list that are in Texas, we have a good chance of ending up there. However, both of the Arizona bases that we had been thinking about are also on the list. None of the other places on our dream sheet are on the list.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers for wisdom for John and I as we make our choices and for favor with those making the assignments.

I know that the Lord has orchestrated our entire adoption process and He will continue to do so. It is all in His hands. I have to believe He has a place prepared for us. And so I choose, this day, to place my trust in Him.

Remembering

I have been wanting to write a "good-bye 2010, hello 2011" post, but have really been struggling with it. It probably didn't help matters that I started off the year with a sinus infection and my monthly friend. But I guess what it really comes down to is I am feeling guilty that I haven't been able to write a hope-filled post about how excited I am it's 2011. The truth is my predominant emotion about this upcoming year has been uncertainty. There just feels like there are so many unknowns right now. We are due to move (as a result of John's military service) in less than five months and we have absolutely no idea where that is going to be. And even though I know intellectually that this is the year we will most likely bring Joshua home, it doesn't feel like it right now. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it all just feels so far off and unreal.

The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.

However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.

Hawaii and other Happenings

John and I had a wonderful time in Hawaii. Some of the highlights:

The luau at the Hale Koa Hotel (Hale Koa means House of the Warrior in Hawaiian)

Seeing a full rainbow for the first time in my life (rainbows always make me think of God's faithfulness)

Watching sunsets on Waikiki Beach

Hiking to Makapuu Point, Koko Crater, Diamond Head, and Manoa Falls

Snorkeling in Hanuama Bay

Seeing all the beautiful scenery

We have recovered from our jet lag (much worse coming back) and I am back into my regular routine at work. I must say it is getting more and more difficult to focus on work. Thoughts of our little one and adoption in general occur often.

John is back at school as of this past Monday. This second year shouldn't be as bad as the first year in terms of the amount of work, but unfortunately he has to go to Florida for 10 weeks for his clinical training :(

We receive an answer to our prayers regarding our I600a application, so thank you for your prayers! John got an appointment for this past Monday for new fingerprints. Then they sent both of us new appointments for this past Tuesday so I went again for a second set of fingerprints. Since John was there on Monday, he didn't have to go again Tuesday. I am really not sure what is going on. I think we have at least two I600a applications pending at this point. I am just hoping and praying we get one of them processed and approved!

Our "Dream Sheet"

I have been busy, busy, busy. Last week I was in Phoenix, AZ for work. It was my first trip to Arizona and I must say I liked it. The people were so friendly (especially compared to DC). It was great to have a chance to check it out because it was one of the places we selected as a potential next duty assignment for John. John graduates from Family Nurse Practitioner school next May and so we will be moving shortly thereafter. We recently had to give the Air Force a list, often called a "dream sheet" of the places we would like to go. Of course, the Air Force is free to completely ignore this list, and it is entirely possible it will amount to nothing more than a "dream." Our primary consideration in selecting places was where we feel we can best complete our adoption with as little trouble as possible. Basically, this means places places where our adoption agency has a partner agency within driving distance and preferably one that also has a Korea program. An agency with a Korea program is a plus since they will be familiar with doing home studies for Korea and there will be other adoptive families with whom we can connect. We eliminated Air Force Bases that are in the middle of nowhere (which is quite a lot of them) and tried to choose places where there is a decent sized Korean community. Basically, we ended up having to select places that are near or in metropolitan areas. This list is probably mainly of interest to my family, but since some of them read my blog, here it is:

1. Davis Monthan AFB, AZ (Tuscon)
2. Travis AFB, CA (northern California near San Francisco)
3. Buckley AFB, CO (Denver)
4. Patrick AFB, FL (near Melbourne where my parents and most of my siblings live)
5. MacDill AFB, FL (Tampa, about 3 hours from my family)
6. Luke AFB, AZ (Phoenix)
7. Hill AFB, UT (Salt Lake City)
8. Lackland AFB, TX (San Antonio)
9. Langley AFB, VA (Virginia Beach)
10.Robbins AFB, GA (about 100 miles from Atlanta, 6 hours from my family)

To be honest, I never thought I would choose to live in Florida again, but I like the idea of our child being able to see grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins more often. I have found myself imagining my family being able to meet us at the airport to welcome us home from Korea and meet our little one. I am just praying we get sent to the best place for our family and the adoption process.

We are off to Hawaii tomorrow! I am so excited! I managed to finish one other post which I am setting to post while I am gone, but otherwise I won't be posting for the next week.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Beginning to Heal

I had a wonderful visit with Wendi. It did my heart good to visit with her and her hubby and kids. While we share a struggle with infertility; our connection goes way beyond infertility and I have been so blessed by her friendship. She has been gone for a little over a week now.

The visit was good for me in another way also. For a few days, I got to go to the playground at the end of my street; I had little boys rolling their cars on my table (Wendi, I have found 2 so far!), and the movie Cars on the DVD player. We have been waiting to be parents for so long that sometimes I worry that I will not know how to be a mom when the times comes. The world of playgrounds and playdates is so far removed from my life right now that I often wonder how I will transition. This is especially true for me here in the DC area because most of my friends here are single without children and so I am rarely ever exposed to moms with kids. There are times when that makes things easier (less painful), but at the same time, I don’t think this is entirely good for me. I worry I will be completely clueless since I am not around a lot of moms like most women my age. Time with Wendi and her boys helped me see that I will do just fine when the time comes. Certainly, there is much I will have to learn, but I think that is the case for any new mom. I think the visit also helped to open my heart and enable me to see myself as a mom-to-be. I love being around kids (especially toddlers) and it is good to know this hasn’t changed.

I have also been doing much better as far as “letting go.” This month’s cycle did not bring the grief the previous ones had. In fact, I was able to immediately think about the fact that every time I start, it means we get to meet our son (or possibly daughter) in Korea. Recently, our adoption agency reiterated the pregnancy policy of the agency in Korea. Basically, if you get pregnant you lose your referral. I think this is absolutely helping me to think about things differently. I know this will be difficult for many people to understand, but I would be devastated if we lost our referral (no we haven't gotten one yet!), even if it meant pregnancy happened.

As part of this change, I am really making a point to force myself to interact with new moms and pregnant ladies if the opportunity arises. Normally, I would just ignore or avoid them, but I think it is important for the healing process to no longer do this.

By the way, this has never been the case for me with women I have formed a connection with through blogging. I have always been able to read pregnancy blogs if it is someone I have already been reading and praying for. I wanted those of you who have recently announced pregnancies (Lisa and Hannah), and Stacey (due in September) that I am not avoiding your blogs. I have been a terrible blogger lately and really haven’t been commenting on anyone’s blog (mostly due to lack of time and somewhat due to lack of energy – half marathon training has been wiping me out). I continue to rejoice in what God has done in your lives and pray for healthy pregnancies. Just wanted you guys to know this. I had to write this post during lunch at work on Thursday and am just now finishing it to post it.

In adoption news, we received a notice that the “FBI was unable to process” John’s fingerprints for our I600a immigration application. Really? They only have 2 sets from previous background checks. He only has a secret security clearance as a military officer. Okay, I’m done now :) They gave him a new appointment, but it is when we will be in Hawaii. I emailed our agency and they didn’t seem too concerned about it, but I would love prayers for him to receive a new appointment very soon. John has to go away for 10 weeks in the fall for clinical training, so we are hoping for an appointment before he leaves.

Speaking of this, I realized that John may not be right there with me when we get our referral (he will be in FL). I feel like this is almost the equivalent of him missing the birth of our child, the equivalent being if he couldn’t go to Korea with me for some reason. With the military, these types of things are always possibilities. There are many guys in Iraq and Afghanistan missing the births of their first children and even the first years of their children’s lives. We will just have to figure out how we can make it special for us in a different way.

I am off to dinner with my dad - he is in town for business. He is bringing his co-worker who adopted from China so that should make for some great conversation. Tomorrow I am taking part in a yard sale fundraiser for Team in Training. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Poor Little Pooch

While I was away last week for work, Annie had a bit of a run-in with a Saint Bernard while on a walk with John. You can see who came out ahead. The other dog got loose from its owner and went after Annie. Thankfully she  is okay. The vet cleaned out the wound and gave her a shot of antibiotic. She is on antibiotics to prevent infection and seems to be healing fine. The dog's owner was nice enough to pay the vet bill. They had recently gotten her from a shelter so they are not sure what triggered her to go after Annie, but they think she had been used to hunt in the past so maybe that was it.

In other news, I am by myself this week while John is out at a field exercise called Bushmaster (he left this morning). That means five nights by myself. I am such a baby when he's gone. I usually repeat Psalm 4:8 about a million times (possibly a slight exaggeration) at night when I am trying to get to sleep.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

 Last night we ordered Chinese and watched the movie Green Zone. It was pretty good, definitely more of a guy movie. I was just glad to be able to spend some time with John before he left so I really didn't care what we watched.

Today I took part in a bake sale fundraiser for my half marathon training with Team in Training. There were 4 other participants so we will split the money 5 ways. There were definitely some generous people when I was there, so hopefully we did pretty well.

Afterward I went bathing suit shopping :(

Never fun, but I think I managed to find something that was cute and not too revealing. It was on sale at Macy's, but it was still more than I have ever paid for a bathing suit. Of course, it will be totally worth it for Hawaii! I can't wait.

As you can see, I changed my blog background. I was getting tired of the pink. I would really love a new blog design, especially a header with pictures. For the rest of the blog and the background I want to keep it simple. Unfortunately, I don't know how to design a header. I think you need Photoshop? I have been debating about paying someone, but we'll see.

Hawaii Honeymoon Booked! (and a few other updates)

1) Thank you to everyone who prayed for our waiting families meeting at our adoption agency. I really appreciated all the encouraging comments. I apologize for not posting about it sooner - I really just haven't been up to writing these last couple of weeks. It is a combination of things - being busier because John has more time now for us to do things together, being more tired because of my half marathon training, and lastly, and I think the main reason is, I have just been a little down lately. So anyway the meeting went well. I was able to connect with one person after the meeting and exchange emails so hopefully we can stay in contact. The meeting was somewhat what I expected and somewhat not. I expected them to give us information about the recent delay in the Korea program which they did. We also got to hear from two sets of adoptive parents who recently brought home their children. Their children were the age that our children will be when we go pick them up. I think that was done intentionally by our agency to make sure we were mentally prepared for parenting an 18 month old child and not a one year old. I think they wanted to make sure our expectations were realistic. What I wasn't expecting for some reason was how angry some of the parents were regarding the delay. Overall I guess John and I are actually handling things pretty well. This delay is absolutely agonizing for parents who already had referrals who have now found out they won't be bringing their children home for a while longer. What was interesting to me though was that those of us who had a history of infertility seemed to be doing much better than those who had not. I guess we are use to things not working out the way we want them to (and I don't mean this in an entirely negative way). We realize we are not in control of any of it.

2) Our Hawaii Honeymoon is booked!!!!!!!  We are finally going on our long awaited honeymoon and I can't wait. Six and half years late, but truthfully it couldn't come at a better time for  us. We are staying at the Hale Koa Hotel on Waikiki Beach. It is an amazing hotel that is only for military members and their dependents.

3) Marathon training is going well, but this heat is no fun. I am up to 8 miles this weekend. I have definitely toned up, but unfortunately the scale hasn't budged :(

4 ) In adoption news, we filed our I600A and got fingerprint appointments. Unfortunately, John's is not at the best time, but they don't even give you a telephone number to call and reschedule. You have to send in your letter to your local office and request a new appointment. I assume they just assign you a new date and time regardless of whether it will work for you. John decided he would rather just put in extra hours on other clinical days (he will be doing obstetrics) and go to the appointment.

5) At work the other day, I got to take a private guided tour of the new National Intrepid Center of Excellence. It is truly the most amazing facility. On a beautiful marble wall when you first walk in, it states that the facility is a place to heal the invisible wounds of war and is given by the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund and the American people. I stood there with tears in my eyes reading it and I just felt so proud that our nation is honoring our service men and women in this way. I hope that this facility will in some way help those who go there to know how much their service and sacrifice is appreciated.

6) Tomorrow I am traveling to Ft Bragg, NC for work. I am bringing my computer so hopefully I can spend some more time blogging. I miss this community when I don't write. I realize more and more how much I need this.

I'm Still Here

Has it really been 2 weeks since I last updated! Sorry I have been MIA. It has definitely been a busy last couple of weeks. I have a lot of catching up to do! I am planning on picking back up with "Worshipful Wednesday" next week.

In my last post I mentioned I wouldn't be able to blog because John was on a break from school, which was true, but one of the other reasons was because I was planning a surprise birthday dinner party along with another friend for my cousin Sarah (the weekend of the 15th). We decorated my sun room with white lights, flowers, and tons of candles. I think it looked really beautiful and she was totally surprised.

On Sunday after church John and I went to the air show at Andrew's Air Force Base along with one of my friends. It gets me every time they pass super close to each other, like in this video I took.



After the air show we went and ate Korean Chinese food, we had Jajangmyeon. So good! I wish I had taken some pictures (like my friend Joia does).

On Monday, I went to dinner with my cousin on her actual birthday.

After that John and I did some catching up. We really needed it. During this break I realized how hard this past year has been on our relationship. I have had to accept that he is not available to spend time together as much as I would like, but after point you almost get use to it. So during this break, we really had to re-integrate. It made me think about what it will be like when John gets deployed (not that what I am experiencing even compares to deployment). What many people don't realize is that the re-integration period after the deployment is over can be almost as hard as the deployment itself.

On Wednesday we went and saw the movie Robin Hood. It was okay, I would say don't waste your money seeing it in the theater, wait for it on video. Also, as a word of warning, there are some fairly cruel remarks made by the king (who is the "bad guy") about his "barren" wife.

I had my first official training run with Team in Training this past Saturday - 3 miles on the track so that we could get an idea of our pace. I am really slow right now, just under 12 minutes per mile, which is to be expected I suppose considering how sporadic I have been about exercising over this past year. I am hoping to improve to be able to run at about 11 minutes per mile for the 13.1 miles. My goal is really just to finish without walking. I have to admit I have been pretty sore since starting this. Since I signed up pretty late in the process, I wasn't able to do many pre-training runs so I am easing myself into it right now. However, I made the mistake of doing my first two runs (prior to Saturday) in old shoes so unfortunately I have been dealing with a bit of plantar fasciatis already. I had to do the elliptical in place of running for two of my workouts. I got new shoes before the run on Saturday, which seemed to help a lot. I am still doing lot of massages (with golf ball believe it or not), stretches, and ice. I am really hoping I will not end up with an injury that keeps me from running the race.

The of this past weekend was a pretty lazy one, especially since it was cloudy and rainy. Went to church, took naps, and I finally watched the movie, The Kite Runner, which I would highly recommend.

John is back in school and already has a test this Friday and another one next Friday. Only one more year to go.

I finally have some adoption news to update about. Even though we were approved 2 months ago today, we hadn't received a copy of our home study until today. Our social worker is a social work intern in addition to working as a program coordinator at our adoption agency. So between her regular work, the work she is doing as an intern, and some family problems she experienced, I think she has been completely overloaded. So it took her 2 months to finish writing up our home study. I was actually okay with it, but I could tell she felt really bad. She sent us a draft today for us to make any necessary corrections. She also said that after consulting with her supervisor she felt that we would best be served by transferring us to a full time social worker. I am a little disappointed because I really liked her. And to be truthful it makes me a little nervous. I have irrational fears about our new social worker looking at our file, and saying "Are you crazy, you approved THESE people!" I know this probably won't happen, but I think these types of feelings are fairly common in the adoption process.

Anyway, that's all for now. I am looking forward to spending some time catching up with all of my blogging friends this weekend. These last couple of weeks have brought some great joy and some great sorrow. So I am both rejoicing and mourning (Rom 12:15).

An Update in Eight

1) I can't believe I haven't updated in a week! It was that time of the month, so I was feeling pretty tired this past week. It is still hard. Every month. It starts and I think I guess there is not going to be a miracle this month. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't believe in miracles.

2) Our visit with our house guests went well despite the unexpected news. They ended up staying until Thursday (last Thursday, not today). I found out they hadn't told anybody about their pregnancy so it wasn't just us. Not sure why. Hopefully, I didn't out their pregnancy on my blog. A friend who knows them didn't know who I was talking about so hopefully no one else knew either. However, it will be pretty difficult to hide it if that is their intention since the baby bump is getting pretty obvious.

3) I am doing better as far as the other unexpected news we received. Even though it is not much longer (about 6 months longer than we were expecting), it feels like it is so far off now. John actually told me he was sorry he said it was okay for us to be excited :( I think he is having as hard a time with it as I am. He said he almost threw away my Adoptive Families magazine away when it arrived. He copes by getting angry, I get sad. I am trying to adjust my attitude and embrace this waiting time. I have several things I am thinking about doing over this next year. I will post about them very soon. I am going to an information meeting about one of them tonight so I want to wait until I get more information before putting it "out there."

4) I do have to brag on my husband. John just finished his first year of school to become a family nurse practitioner. One more year to go! He finished this first year with a 4.0 GPA!!! The Friday before last, he was inducted into Sigma Theta Tau International - The Honor Society of Nursing. And just yesterday, he found out that he was selected as the most outstanding 1st year FNP student. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard over this past year and it is wonderful to see his hard work recognized. Here are a couple pics from the induction ceremony.



5) My position at work is being converted from a contract position to a government position, which means more pay and much better benefits, especially in regards to vacation and sick days. Previously, I had no sick days at all and only 10 vacation days. This didn't sound too bad until I had to take a week of unpaid leave when the federal government shut down this past winter because of the blizzard. I am excited to be able to save more money towards our adoption and also be able to continue to pay my in-laws back for the money they loaned us for infertility treatment. I think I would be a little bitter about all the money we spent, but because we were part of the shared risk program, we got almost $16,000 back which was the start of our adoption fund.

6) On Saturday, I was able to attend a Prayer Rally for North Korea. It is exciting to see how God is uniting together many ministries and churches (especially Korean churches) together for His purposes for North Korea. At the beginning of the day we had a time of prayer for repentance and healing (how can we ask God to work out something in North Korea when we have a log in our own eye). An invitation to come up and be prayed for was given and initially I didn't think I would go. But then they mentioned how it is difficult to love others when you are doubting God's love for you. Infertility has taken its toll on me in many ways. Sometimes I really struggle to believe God is at work in my situation. I was sitting there feeling overwhelmed by so many emotions - doubting God's love, doubting His plan, hurting, and wanting so much to have more faith to believe. So I decided to go up to receive prayer. A pastor (though I didn't know he was a pastor at the time) and another gentleman laid hands on me and prayed. It was truly amazing. I didn't say anything to them and yet they prayed for everything I had been thinking. The first gentleman prayed for God to show His glory (actually he said this many times), for God to show His love to me in a tangible way, for more faith, and for healing from the pain. Then I was totally blown away when the pastor prayed for me. He said he saw me as a little girl who the heavenly Father was delighting in. Though I stumble and fall at times, He smiles at me, even laughs, He is so happy with me, and He knows I am trying. How I wish I could capture everything he said because he gave me the most beautiful picture of my heavenly Father, one that was much needed. I had a view of God as critical and judging of all my faults and I have not found it easy to shake this idea even though intellectually I know it is untrue. This picture of God as a loving Father who is cheering me on and delighting in me even when I fall down is radically different. It reminded me of a loving father who is watching his little one learn to walk. He doesn't get angry when the child falls down. He smiles, he encourages, he laughs, he delights. I never was able to wrap my mind around this picture of God before. I believe this pastor gave me a beautiful gift. When I have failed this past week, my mind has returned to this picture of God - still loving me, still delighting in me.

Then the first gentleman prayed again and said he had a clear vision of me riding a horse in a green pasture. I am not sure what to make of this one. What comes to mind is being carefree and at peace. Interesting considering that is what I have been seeking. I want to be free of this pain of infertility and pregnancy loss. I want and desperately need Christ's peace and healing. At the end they both said that they felt like that day was the beginning of a new day in my life. I am still pondering their words.

7) To be truthful, it was difficult to focus my prayers on North Korea. My mind kept returning to God's plan for us as far as children. This was partly not my fault because for some reason the subject of adoption came up repeatedly throughout this meeting, either in the context of our spiritual adoption or in regards to the orphans in North Korea and Northeast China (also North Korean children). In fact someone even specifically prayed for an opening up of adoption for the children in Northeast China. To be honest I was thinking it would never happen, but then I read that in fact a bill had already been introduced by Sen. Sam Brownback to allow for these adoptions. Definitely felt my heart stirring on this one.

8) I was feeling bad for having so much trouble focusing my prayers, but then Sunday at church my pastor said that when a particular thing keeps coming to our mind when we are praying, it is because that is what we need to be praying about!

I am behind on my blog commenting, but you girls are definitely in my prayers. Lisa and "A" I am praying specifically for your cycles. I am so hopeful for you both!