It may have seemed strange for me to say as I did here that the new year didn't really begin for me until January 14th, but it is absolutely how I felt. When I awoke on that day, it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I know now that all the sadness and uncertainty I was experiencing were an "anniversary reaction." I felt so guilty for having these feelings when I should be excited about Joshua's homecoming.
The excitement that had been alluding me has finally come. In fact, I was almost giddy with excitement on Friday as I thought about the fact that this is the year we will bring Joshua home. As part of that giant leap forward, I gave my notice at work on that same day. I will be officially transitioning to my new role as a wife and homemaker (and soon to be stay-at-home mom!) on March 11th. I am so excited!
As I look ahead to this upcoming year, there is still some uncertainty, especially in regards to where we will be moving and when in the midst of all that Joshua will be coming home. Will we get our travel call before we move? My friend Joia wrote about having a word goal for the year which inspired me to choose my word for this year.
My word for 2011 is:
Trust
Definition of Trust
intransitive verb
1 a : to place confidence : depend
b : to be confident : hope
2: to sell or deliver on credit
transitive verb
1 a : to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
b : to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
2 a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe
b : to place confidence in : rely on
c : to hope or expect confidently
3 : to extend credit to
And my verse for this year,
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
The Lord is faithful and I know I can put my trust in Him for all that this year will bring.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Grateful
I could literally feel the prayers today.
Thank you.
It meant everything to me. His peace was with me all day long.
And tomorrow is another day - a brighter day.
I just read on another blog that today is Korean American Day. And that makes me smile.
Thank you.
It meant everything to me. His peace was with me all day long.
And tomorrow is another day - a brighter day.
Because of the LORD’s great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
I just read on another blog that today is Korean American Day. And that makes me smile.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Remembering
I have been wanting to write a "good-bye 2010, hello 2011" post, but have really been struggling with it. It probably didn't help matters that I started off the year with a sinus infection and my monthly friend. But I guess what it really comes down to is I am feeling guilty that I haven't been able to write a hope-filled post about how excited I am it's 2011. The truth is my predominant emotion about this upcoming year has been uncertainty. There just feels like there are so many unknowns right now. We are due to move (as a result of John's military service) in less than five months and we have absolutely no idea where that is going to be. And even though I know intellectually that this is the year we will most likely bring Joshua home, it doesn't feel like it right now. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it all just feels so far off and unreal.
The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.
However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.
The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.
However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Christmas in Texas
We spent Christmas in Texas with John's parents,brother, and sister. They live in the Texas Hill Country, which is so beautiful, definitely one of my favorite parts of Texas.
We drove.
25 hours each way.
We left Tuesday morning Dec 21st and arrived Wednesday evening. We spent 3 days and then left Sunday, returning to DC Monday evening. Thankfully the blizzard hit east of DC and so we didn't run into any trouble on our drive home. I had to be back at work Tuesday morning. I am still exhausted from the drive. I am glad we went and happy we saved money and were able to take Annie, but I am never making that kind of drive again. I am definitely looking forward to recovering over this 3-day holiday weekend.
We did have a good time though. We hadn't spent Christmas with John's parents since 2007 and I know it meant a lot to them to have us there.
I didn't take many pictures, but here are the few I took.
The Salt Lick and the River Walk were the first day's activities. Christmas Eve we mostly hung around the house since it was raining and then John and I made dinner to give his mom a break. We were hoping to go to Christmas Eve service, but it would have been very awkward because his brother and sister had just arrived on Christmas Eve and they are not believers and therefore would not have been interested in going with us. I think this is a difficult aspect of spending Christmas with my in-laws; there is not even a mention of the true reason for the season.
Overall, I think I handled Christmas fairly well as far as infertility/childlessness. Since we were not anticipating having Joshua home by this Christmas even under the best of circumstances, I was okay. I actually had a much harder time with missing our baby though. Two years ago, I was pregnant at Christmas. Many friends, including several I have come to know through blogging, are newly pregnant or about to have their babies. While I am thrilled for all of them, it has been hard not to think about pregnancy and remember when I was pregnant. The events of that awful day in January kept replaying in my mind. Christmas Eve night after we got back to our bed and breakfast, I had a good cry and just let it out. I miss our baby. Though I am excited about God's plans for us, I still miss her.
I have been consoled by one thought. Next year should be a very different Christmas for us. It actually didn't occur to me until after Christmas, but by next Christmas, Lord willing, Joshua will be home with us. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the thought of it - a Christmas with our son, a child we have waited for and prayed for for a very long time. I can't wait!
We drove.
25 hours each way.
We left Tuesday morning Dec 21st and arrived Wednesday evening. We spent 3 days and then left Sunday, returning to DC Monday evening. Thankfully the blizzard hit east of DC and so we didn't run into any trouble on our drive home. I had to be back at work Tuesday morning. I am still exhausted from the drive. I am glad we went and happy we saved money and were able to take Annie, but I am never making that kind of drive again. I am definitely looking forward to recovering over this 3-day holiday weekend.
We did have a good time though. We hadn't spent Christmas with John's parents since 2007 and I know it meant a lot to them to have us there.
I didn't take many pictures, but here are the few I took.
At the Salt Lick in Driftwood, barbecue is a must have on any trip to Texas - love it!
This was outside our room at our bed and breakfast - I thought it was funny
Our room
Along the River Walk in San Antonio. We went to an Irish pub with John's dad.
The Salt Lick and the River Walk were the first day's activities. Christmas Eve we mostly hung around the house since it was raining and then John and I made dinner to give his mom a break. We were hoping to go to Christmas Eve service, but it would have been very awkward because his brother and sister had just arrived on Christmas Eve and they are not believers and therefore would not have been interested in going with us. I think this is a difficult aspect of spending Christmas with my in-laws; there is not even a mention of the true reason for the season.
Overall, I think I handled Christmas fairly well as far as infertility/childlessness. Since we were not anticipating having Joshua home by this Christmas even under the best of circumstances, I was okay. I actually had a much harder time with missing our baby though. Two years ago, I was pregnant at Christmas. Many friends, including several I have come to know through blogging, are newly pregnant or about to have their babies. While I am thrilled for all of them, it has been hard not to think about pregnancy and remember when I was pregnant. The events of that awful day in January kept replaying in my mind. Christmas Eve night after we got back to our bed and breakfast, I had a good cry and just let it out. I miss our baby. Though I am excited about God's plans for us, I still miss her.
I have been consoled by one thought. Next year should be a very different Christmas for us. It actually didn't occur to me until after Christmas, but by next Christmas, Lord willing, Joshua will be home with us. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the thought of it - a Christmas with our son, a child we have waited for and prayed for for a very long time. I can't wait!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hope
One year ago today, I wrote this post:
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
"Yet I still dare to hope..."
For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.
After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31
I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
This past year I also found hope in God's word.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5
Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18
These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
"Yet I still dare to hope..."
For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.
After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31
I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
This past year I also found hope in God's word.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5
Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18
These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Remembering Johannah
Tomorrow, August 11th, was Johannah's due date. I am not falling apart, just very sad - sad I never got to meet her, sad I never got to hold her, and most of all sad we are not parents. I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Remembering You" since losing Johannah in January. It helps me to celebrate the short time I had with her and remember that I will see her again because "as the cold winter melts into spring" we are reminded of the hope we have in Christ.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4
These lyrics have always been especially meaningful to me:
"From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for"
Something in my heart came alive after getting pregnant and losing Johannah. My heart was opened up in way it never was before, forever changing me. All the defenses I had built up to protect myself from the pain of infertility came tumbling down. I could no longer block out the pain or pretend it didn't exist. I was completely humbled and broken. I began to cry out to God in prayer over my own infertility rather than only praying for others. I was able to let some things from my past go and experience complete healing. I became more open to love - both receiving it and giving it - and the suffering and pain of others. Now when I hear or read about the suffering of others it affects me in a very real and profound way. I often cry over others' losses and suffering in a way I was never capable of before. And for these things I am grateful. Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments were to love God and love people. Because of Johannah, I have gotten better at both.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4
These lyrics have always been especially meaningful to me:
"From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for"
Something in my heart came alive after getting pregnant and losing Johannah. My heart was opened up in way it never was before, forever changing me. All the defenses I had built up to protect myself from the pain of infertility came tumbling down. I could no longer block out the pain or pretend it didn't exist. I was completely humbled and broken. I began to cry out to God in prayer over my own infertility rather than only praying for others. I was able to let some things from my past go and experience complete healing. I became more open to love - both receiving it and giving it - and the suffering and pain of others. Now when I hear or read about the suffering of others it affects me in a very real and profound way. I often cry over others' losses and suffering in a way I was never capable of before. And for these things I am grateful. Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments were to love God and love people. Because of Johannah, I have gotten better at both.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tough Times
I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.
Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.
At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.
Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.
At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.
Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
Friday, April 3, 2009
Gifts
I was asked recently if the few gifts I received when I was pregnant made things more difficult once we lost Johannah. So I thought I would address this for anyone else who might be wondering. For me it really didn't make things worse, if anything having a few gifts gave me something tangible to hold on to in the midst of my grief, especially that first day. That being said, I probably would not want to receive clothing or toys again. For whatever reason those were the hardest things for me to have. They were given to me by my sisters and brothers, as well as one of John's friends at Christmas. To them, I say please know that I so appreciated the gifts you gave me. However, I felt like they were meant for Johannah specifically, so I just could not keep them. I donated them to a ministry at my church called Supper on Saturday that feeds poor families in our area. A couple of the gifts (thanks Wendi and De) were actually used for her service (if anyone ever wants to ask me questions about this, please feel free to email me). My dear friend Wendi gave me a photo album that I am going to use for the pictures we took at the hospital, positive pregnancy test, u/s photos, and others. I did decide to keep a couple of things. One of my sisters passed on to me a baby quilt made by my Grandma, so of course I am keeping that. One of my brothers gave me a Chicago Cubs baby t-shirt which I am also keeping. Long ago I promised my brother that any children I had could be Chicago Cubs fans. Our family is dominated by Yankee fans (boo) and since John is not a baseball fan I figured I'd help even things out for my brother. Finally, I am keeping two stuffed animals that were given to me by separate people. One is a lion and the other is a lamb. I just love that the first stuffed animals given to me are symbols of Jesus. My counselor says this is because I am an INFP personality type. Apparently, we like metaphors.
I am happy that I did allow myself to receive a few gifts even though things did not work out the way I wanted. I know I could never go buy something myself so it is nice to have just a few things. Also, it worked out that I ended up keeping at least one thing from each person or group that gave me something.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Remembering
This week has been a hard one. Last week I would have reached the halfway point of my pregnancy. We would have found out whether we were having a boy or girl. I think things hit me this week more than last week because one of my blogger friends, whose due date is just a few days after mine would have been, found out she is having a baby girl. I am so happy for her, I am just grieving our loss (I would link to her blog, but it is invite only). So today I am remembering our baby. But I am also remembering those of you who have lost babies. I am remembering all of you who are walking this path of IF along with me and those of you who have walked it in the past. This morning, I spent time praying for all of you, asking for God's continued healing in our lives.
My prayer was that He would comfort all of us, and give us peace and joy in His presence.
I asked Him to enable all of us to continue to cling to Him and trust in His perfect plan.
I asked the God of hope to "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13.
And I asked Him to move the mountain of infertility in our lives.
My prayer was that He would comfort all of us, and give us peace and joy in His presence.
I asked Him to enable all of us to continue to cling to Him and trust in His perfect plan.
I asked the God of hope to "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13.
And I asked Him to move the mountain of infertility in our lives.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Grief counselor/Crisis Care Minister
I mentioned in a previous post that one of the things that helped me the most after my m/c was meeting weekly with a grief counselor from my church. I think she (I call her M in case she doesn't want me to give her name) is actually called a crisis care minister. At my church crisis care ministers are part of the congregational care ministry. They are very similar to Stephen Ministers which I think a lot of churches have. Stephen Ministers, according to their website, are "lay caregivers who provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people." I wanted to write a bit about this in the hopes that this information may help someone else. Of course, I wish that none of you would need a ministry like this. I wish that none of you would ever experience hurt or pain, but that is not the world we live in. Jesus said we would have trouble in the world (John 16:33). The thing is, prior to my m/c, I really didn't know this ministry was something my church had and I certainly wouldn't have thought about utilizing this ministry after a m/c. Of course, that is partly because that would involve actually asking for help, something I don't do very well (the Lord is still working on me with this one). The meetings came about because M and I are in the same small group. They know about our IF and IVF and were among the first people we told about the m/c. If M hadn't called and offered to meet with me, it is unlikely that we would have begun meeting together because, like I said before, my pride would have kept me from asking for help.
M and I have met every week since about the third week in January. It is a designated time for me to be able to talk about everything without ever feeling like a broken record or feeling that I am burdening someone else too much with my problems. I think the thing that helps me the most is that each week I set goals to be accomplished by the next time we meet together. Knowing that M is going to ask me about the goals I set provides a level of accountability for me that is very motivating. I am not usually one to say I will do something and then not do it. Early on the goals focused on planning and having a service for Johannah. Other times they were very simple goals like exercising. I had mentioned previously that when you face a loss any unresolved grief comes back up, so lately my goals have related to dealing with these issues. By setting these goals, I am intentional about spending time each week focusing on healing. One of the other things that has been most helpful is that each week she asks me for specific prayer requests. I strongly believe in the power of prayer. Having someone who knows exactly where I am at and what I am struggling with praying for me on a regular basis is a huge blessing. Someone asked me if it was just like counseling. There are similarities - we meet together for about an hour, our time together is focused and intentional, and she is objective in her relationship with me. It differs from counseling in that the goal is to provide care. They come along side of you in the midst of your crisis in a way that counselors do not. I am so thankful for this ministry and the healing that has come about through it. I think that a ministry like this could be a great help to anyone facing a crisis.
M and I have met every week since about the third week in January. It is a designated time for me to be able to talk about everything without ever feeling like a broken record or feeling that I am burdening someone else too much with my problems. I think the thing that helps me the most is that each week I set goals to be accomplished by the next time we meet together. Knowing that M is going to ask me about the goals I set provides a level of accountability for me that is very motivating. I am not usually one to say I will do something and then not do it. Early on the goals focused on planning and having a service for Johannah. Other times they were very simple goals like exercising. I had mentioned previously that when you face a loss any unresolved grief comes back up, so lately my goals have related to dealing with these issues. By setting these goals, I am intentional about spending time each week focusing on healing. One of the other things that has been most helpful is that each week she asks me for specific prayer requests. I strongly believe in the power of prayer. Having someone who knows exactly where I am at and what I am struggling with praying for me on a regular basis is a huge blessing. Someone asked me if it was just like counseling. There are similarities - we meet together for about an hour, our time together is focused and intentional, and she is objective in her relationship with me. It differs from counseling in that the goal is to provide care. They come along side of you in the midst of your crisis in a way that counselors do not. I am so thankful for this ministry and the healing that has come about through it. I think that a ministry like this could be a great help to anyone facing a crisis.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Better? Part 2
I said at the end of my last post that I no longer was angry with God over the m/c, but I should probably mention I still did have some anger at IF. The anger wasn't really towards God or anyone else, just anger at the situation. I have never really grieved IF itself until now and anger is part of every grief process. I also found myself getting easily annoyed and irritated with people. This may have been somewhat caused by my hormones going a little crazy, but whatever the cause, the irritability along with just general anger over IF was causing me to have to fight the urge to yell at random people in the commissary (military grocery store for my civilian readers), at the movie theater, and basically any place else I went. At this point I felt like God was telling me to step back from things, that I needed time alone with Him to heal. Initially, I had tried to jump right back in to my ladies Bible study and had tried to venture out with friends. I knew church itself would be too painful so I hadn't even tried to go back to church at this point, but I was also feeling really guilty about that decision. About this time I came across this post on Beth's blog and the Lord really spoke to me through it. She said,
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
She wrote this based on the following passage from Luke.
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I believe these words were meant for me. It also confirmed something else the Lord had previously revealed to me. I have been reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" since the end of last year each morning. On the morning of January 13th (which was when we found out Johannah had no heartbeat) before I went in for my doctor's appointment I remember thinking this exact thought before I read that morning's devotion, "I wonder if God has a special word for me today." And this is what I read,
"Have You Ever Been Alone with God?
His solitude with us. When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us."
Whoa, that didn't sound like anything I wanted to hear right before my first OB appointment. And so at the time I brushed it off thinking surely God must mean this for some other time or better yet for some time in the past. But it was meant for this time and He told me to go back and read it again. I did not go back to church, I stopped attending my ladies Bible study, and I stepped back from social outings. I should mention that I did not completely shut myself off from everyone, I still attended my small group Bible study, I still met with each week with my grief counselor, and I still kept in contact with people through blogs and emails. But I began to spend more time with the Lord studying the Bible, praying, and listening to worship music. As I was obedient to the Lord, He began to reveal things to me. The thing about grief is that it doesn't go away, it will wait for you. When you experience a new loss, any unresolved grief from previous losses will pop right back up, "Hey, remember me? Yup, I'm still here." The Lord showed that there were other issues that still had to be dealt with. He has been taking me through a healing process by working me through the first of these issues. He has shown me that I need to surrender it all to Him, every bit of hurt and pain and allow Him to use it however He chooses. I can't hold on to it anymore. This process has only just begun, but already God has brought about tremendous healing and truly set me free from some things. I don't know if this would have happened if we had not lost Johannah, so as much as I wish we had not lost her, I am thankful for how God has used it for good.
I would not say I am fully healed, but there were a couple of things that God really used to bring about a great deal of healing. One of these is meeting with a grief counselor from my church on a weekly basis. I think I will write a separate post on this because I have much more to say about this. The other thing that helped me a great deal was to hold a service for Johannah. I know this might seem like a weird thing to do to some people, but it was so healing for me. I may write about this in more detail later. The morning of her service I was able to write her a letter to say good-bye for now. Having the service and writing the letter really unlocked the tears that were needing to come out. The day after the service is when we went to the beach and wrote her name in the sand (see picture below). After this I was able to have some good cries and I definitely felt such tremendous sadness over our loss. When John left for Peru on the 13th my plan was to take time alone to grieve some more. I spent the first 3-4 days after he left alone to allow myself time to grieve, but I was surprised that I didn't need to cry more than I did. I wouldn't say I am all cried out, I still miss her all the time and I know there will be hard times ahead, especially around her due date. But I think I have reached the point of acceptance of our loss. I was able to go back to church the past 2 Sundays and I started to go back to my ladies Bible study (not sure about this one yet). So this pretty much sums up things up until this point.
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
She wrote this based on the following passage from Luke.
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I believe these words were meant for me. It also confirmed something else the Lord had previously revealed to me. I have been reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" since the end of last year each morning. On the morning of January 13th (which was when we found out Johannah had no heartbeat) before I went in for my doctor's appointment I remember thinking this exact thought before I read that morning's devotion, "I wonder if God has a special word for me today." And this is what I read,
"Have You Ever Been Alone with God?
His solitude with us. When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us."
Whoa, that didn't sound like anything I wanted to hear right before my first OB appointment. And so at the time I brushed it off thinking surely God must mean this for some other time or better yet for some time in the past. But it was meant for this time and He told me to go back and read it again. I did not go back to church, I stopped attending my ladies Bible study, and I stepped back from social outings. I should mention that I did not completely shut myself off from everyone, I still attended my small group Bible study, I still met with each week with my grief counselor, and I still kept in contact with people through blogs and emails. But I began to spend more time with the Lord studying the Bible, praying, and listening to worship music. As I was obedient to the Lord, He began to reveal things to me. The thing about grief is that it doesn't go away, it will wait for you. When you experience a new loss, any unresolved grief from previous losses will pop right back up, "Hey, remember me? Yup, I'm still here." The Lord showed that there were other issues that still had to be dealt with. He has been taking me through a healing process by working me through the first of these issues. He has shown me that I need to surrender it all to Him, every bit of hurt and pain and allow Him to use it however He chooses. I can't hold on to it anymore. This process has only just begun, but already God has brought about tremendous healing and truly set me free from some things. I don't know if this would have happened if we had not lost Johannah, so as much as I wish we had not lost her, I am thankful for how God has used it for good.
I would not say I am fully healed, but there were a couple of things that God really used to bring about a great deal of healing. One of these is meeting with a grief counselor from my church on a weekly basis. I think I will write a separate post on this because I have much more to say about this. The other thing that helped me a great deal was to hold a service for Johannah. I know this might seem like a weird thing to do to some people, but it was so healing for me. I may write about this in more detail later. The morning of her service I was able to write her a letter to say good-bye for now. Having the service and writing the letter really unlocked the tears that were needing to come out. The day after the service is when we went to the beach and wrote her name in the sand (see picture below). After this I was able to have some good cries and I definitely felt such tremendous sadness over our loss. When John left for Peru on the 13th my plan was to take time alone to grieve some more. I spent the first 3-4 days after he left alone to allow myself time to grieve, but I was surprised that I didn't need to cry more than I did. I wouldn't say I am all cried out, I still miss her all the time and I know there will be hard times ahead, especially around her due date. But I think I have reached the point of acceptance of our loss. I was able to go back to church the past 2 Sundays and I started to go back to my ladies Bible study (not sure about this one yet). So this pretty much sums up things up until this point.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Better? Part 1
Am I better? No, but I am not the same either. During the past few weeks I have sometimes felt that there was an expectation that I would be all-better. Yet in many ways I have only just begun to heal. I want to attempt to summarize what I have experienced over these past 6 weeks since losing Johannah with the hope that it will help someone else. I think there is often a misconception that if you are a Christian, you can't be angry or sad, that you are supposed to put on a happy face and talk about what peace you have. Don't get me wrong, when you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, you can have peace in the midst of even the worst storm. I was not without peace, but I would not say that peace was the predominant feeling either. For me, there was no extra measure of peace experienced as there had been in past trials.
Initially, I was in a state of shock, it was hard to believe that what had happened had actually happened. I was carried along by the prayers of others, and by the meals, cards, and flowers that came in the first week or so. The days went by in a blur, though there were definitely lots of times of deep anguish where I just sobbed as I would suddenly remember that we had lost Johannah. Often it was hearing Dr. S's words in my head again telling me that my baby had no heartbeat that would bring on these times. They are the most crushing words I have ever heard in my life. I was overwhelmed by the thought that we had lost the only baby we may ever have. This pregnancy was not easily achieved and there is no guarantee of another pregnancy. I find little comfort in the thought that "at least you know you can get pregnant." Just because I got pregnant once doesn't mean I will again and there is no comfort in getting pregnant if I can't/don't carry the baby to term.
The next phase I experienced was anger, at God, at the situation, and at the insensitive comments of a couple of people. This was certainly the ugliest stage of grief and not one I wanted to stay in. I was angry at God for leading us to do IVF and then allowing the outcome to be so different from what was expected. Of course, I was always concerned about m/c, but I could not imagine God allowing it, especially after everything else I had experienced in my life. It had seemed to me that my time had finally come. I had struggled for so long to believe God had forgiven me over past sins. I had struggled to trust God, to believe that He loved me, and to believe in His goodness. I had finally come to trust God, to believe in His goodness and to believe that He would still bless me. So when I miscarried I was so confused, everything I had believed God was doing seemed to be wrong. There were two things that really helped me get past this stage. The first was recalling what God had previously taught me. God was no less good and no less loving because the outcome was different that I expected it to be. He had shown me in the year preceding all this through several different circumstances that His plans are truly better than my own. He is all-wise and all-knowing, and His will is best. As I began to reflect on what He had taught me in the past I was able to once again place my trust in Him even though I didn't understand why everything happened the way it did. The second thing that really helped me was reading Beth and Niki 's stories. In both their situations the outcome was also very different from what would have been expected. As I read their stories the Lord reminded me that His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways. Romans 11:33 says,
"Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out!"
We just aren't going to understand certain things. For me that was enough. I accepted that I may not ever fully understand why we lost Johannah. Sometimes we just have to trust that God is sovereign and that He has a plan and a purpose for us and that plan is a good one (Jer 29:11). Also, I truly believe, as it says in Rom 8:28, that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. He had already shown me how He had used IF for my good. I trust He will do the same with the m/c.
I was also angry at God for yet another trial, truly I felt like I had had enough. When would my time come, I wanted to know. I felt like God was blessing other people, but not me for whatever reason. I felt forgotten, passed over, abandoned. This led to even greater anguish. I experienced a period (which thankfully turned out to be fairly brief) where God was silent. This also happened to be the period of time when the cards and meals and such stopped coming. In the past when I have cried out to God when I felt especially discouraged, I would get a phone call or email from someone or God would bring to mind a certain scripture. But this time there was none of that. I would cry out to God and there would be nothing. Thankfully, my church was doing a sermon series called "Where is God When...." I hadn't been able to go back to church yet, but I felt led to listen to the one that asked where is God when "He is silent" online. One of the things that helped me most from this sermon was when he said, "We do not determine whether God loves us or not by current circumstances, but by looking at the Cross." In "Experiencing God," Henry Blackaby says, and I'm paraphrasing, that the Cross is God's final, total, and complete expression of His love for us. It is the only evidence we need that He loves us. I began to spend a lot of time meditating on this truth. I found listening to music to be especially helpful during this time period. One of the songs I listened to over and over again is the hymn "There is a Fountain" (you can listen to Selah's version on my playlist if you scroll down to the bottom of my blog). This song really ministered to me as I thought about what Jesus did for us in dying on the Cross. It is so amazing that "There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins; And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains." The Lord began to pour out His love upon me as I reflected on this truth. I could not look at my circumstances, but rather I had to fix my eyes upon Jesus (Heb 12:2). After this, I was no longer angry at God and I no longer felt abandoned by Him. What I did feel was sadness, over losing Johannah and because of IF in general. Part 2 to come shortly.
Initially, I was in a state of shock, it was hard to believe that what had happened had actually happened. I was carried along by the prayers of others, and by the meals, cards, and flowers that came in the first week or so. The days went by in a blur, though there were definitely lots of times of deep anguish where I just sobbed as I would suddenly remember that we had lost Johannah. Often it was hearing Dr. S's words in my head again telling me that my baby had no heartbeat that would bring on these times. They are the most crushing words I have ever heard in my life. I was overwhelmed by the thought that we had lost the only baby we may ever have. This pregnancy was not easily achieved and there is no guarantee of another pregnancy. I find little comfort in the thought that "at least you know you can get pregnant." Just because I got pregnant once doesn't mean I will again and there is no comfort in getting pregnant if I can't/don't carry the baby to term.
The next phase I experienced was anger, at God, at the situation, and at the insensitive comments of a couple of people. This was certainly the ugliest stage of grief and not one I wanted to stay in. I was angry at God for leading us to do IVF and then allowing the outcome to be so different from what was expected. Of course, I was always concerned about m/c, but I could not imagine God allowing it, especially after everything else I had experienced in my life. It had seemed to me that my time had finally come. I had struggled for so long to believe God had forgiven me over past sins. I had struggled to trust God, to believe that He loved me, and to believe in His goodness. I had finally come to trust God, to believe in His goodness and to believe that He would still bless me. So when I miscarried I was so confused, everything I had believed God was doing seemed to be wrong. There were two things that really helped me get past this stage. The first was recalling what God had previously taught me. God was no less good and no less loving because the outcome was different that I expected it to be. He had shown me in the year preceding all this through several different circumstances that His plans are truly better than my own. He is all-wise and all-knowing, and His will is best. As I began to reflect on what He had taught me in the past I was able to once again place my trust in Him even though I didn't understand why everything happened the way it did. The second thing that really helped me was reading Beth and Niki 's stories. In both their situations the outcome was also very different from what would have been expected. As I read their stories the Lord reminded me that His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways. Romans 11:33 says,
"Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out!"
We just aren't going to understand certain things. For me that was enough. I accepted that I may not ever fully understand why we lost Johannah. Sometimes we just have to trust that God is sovereign and that He has a plan and a purpose for us and that plan is a good one (Jer 29:11). Also, I truly believe, as it says in Rom 8:28, that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. He had already shown me how He had used IF for my good. I trust He will do the same with the m/c.
I was also angry at God for yet another trial, truly I felt like I had had enough. When would my time come, I wanted to know. I felt like God was blessing other people, but not me for whatever reason. I felt forgotten, passed over, abandoned. This led to even greater anguish. I experienced a period (which thankfully turned out to be fairly brief) where God was silent. This also happened to be the period of time when the cards and meals and such stopped coming. In the past when I have cried out to God when I felt especially discouraged, I would get a phone call or email from someone or God would bring to mind a certain scripture. But this time there was none of that. I would cry out to God and there would be nothing. Thankfully, my church was doing a sermon series called "Where is God When...." I hadn't been able to go back to church yet, but I felt led to listen to the one that asked where is God when "He is silent" online. One of the things that helped me most from this sermon was when he said, "We do not determine whether God loves us or not by current circumstances, but by looking at the Cross." In "Experiencing God," Henry Blackaby says, and I'm paraphrasing, that the Cross is God's final, total, and complete expression of His love for us. It is the only evidence we need that He loves us. I began to spend a lot of time meditating on this truth. I found listening to music to be especially helpful during this time period. One of the songs I listened to over and over again is the hymn "There is a Fountain" (you can listen to Selah's version on my playlist if you scroll down to the bottom of my blog). This song really ministered to me as I thought about what Jesus did for us in dying on the Cross. It is so amazing that "There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins; And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains." The Lord began to pour out His love upon me as I reflected on this truth. I could not look at my circumstances, but rather I had to fix my eyes upon Jesus (Heb 12:2). After this, I was no longer angry at God and I no longer felt abandoned by Him. What I did feel was sadness, over losing Johannah and because of IF in general. Part 2 to come shortly.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
In Loving Memory
This post is dedicated in loving memory to our daughter:
We chose Johannah because it means "God is gracious," because He is, always, His grace is always sufficient. Elise means "consecrated to God." She was never ours, she was always His, and now she is with Him forever. One day John and I will join her.
Johannah Elise
November 18, 2008 - January 13, 2009
We chose Johannah because it means "God is gracious," because He is, always, His grace is always sufficient. Elise means "consecrated to God." She was never ours, she was always His, and now she is with Him forever. One day John and I will join her.
Short Update
I will update more on how I am doing later this week. I have so much I want to say, but I have been unable to formulate all my thoughts, hence the lack of postings. I am still grieving very much. Today marks 4 weeks to the day since we lost our little girl. This past Sunday we held a small service for her and last night we went to the beach and wrote her name in the sand. I want today to be about honoring our baby's short life here on earth.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Some Thoughts on What to Say
I have been thinking about writing this post for several days now. I guess it will be part venting, part self-protection, and part informative. I also want to say that none of what I am saying here is aimed at anyone who has left comments on my blog or any IF friends. We have also received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of cards, emails, phone calls, meals, etc and we are so grateful for it all. The vast majority have offered very comforting words, but unfortunately a couple of things that have been said have been hurtful. I think I just need to vent a bit.
I will start with some thoughts on what not to say. I think one of the most hurtful things is to start talking immediately about the work God is doing in my heart through this, how he is sanctifying me and making me more Christ-like, and fulfilling His purposes. While these things may be true, there is nothing comforting, compassionate, kind or loving about these words. They have the effect of making me think God did this because I am so un-Christ-like and that if I was just a better person this wouldn't have happened to me. I am in no way saying that I am Christ-like, just that I am already searching, as I think most do when they suffer a miscarriage, for what I did wrong. Questions about whether I did something spiritually or physically frequently run through my mind. This leads me to the next what not to say. Assuming that when someone faces a trial it is because of some sin in their life or because they have in some way gone astray is not accurate and most importantly not Biblical, see Job. Some trials are testing and because God wants to take someone deeper still with Him (I would love to go to this conference, I did one of Priscilla, Beth and Kay's Bible studies and it was life changing). Some other hurtful comments are:
"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." Job 2: 11-13
Job's friends actually did a pretty good job at first, it was only when they opened their mouths to try to explain why everything had happened to Job that things starting going downhill. The point of this post is not to make anyone fearful about what to say, but rather to let people off the hook in regards to feeling like they need to have the perfect words to say or feeling like they need to provide an explanation as to why this has happened. There really are no perfect words. I think it can actually be more hurtful when we are too quick with our words. It is okay to be honest about the fact that you don't know what to say. A simple I love you, I'm praying for you is fine. I have been greatly comforted by a number of people who didn't say anything at all, but just gave me a hug. Of course I am not saying that I don't want you to tell me if God lays something on your heart to share with me. I am especially not referring to fellow bloggers who have shared their own stories with me, I have so appreciated the comments that have been left. For a few more do's and don'ts, I really like this article from Stepping Stones Ministries. They also have an article called On the Loss of Our Child which is worth reading. This article has some additional information and so does this one.
I know that the vast majority of people do not want to be hurtful and are well intentioned. I believe it is important to offer grace and forgiveness just as God offers us when someone says something hurtful. However, I do feel like I have been given the opportunity to share my thoughts and hopefully spare someone else the pain that I have experienced.
I will start with some thoughts on what not to say. I think one of the most hurtful things is to start talking immediately about the work God is doing in my heart through this, how he is sanctifying me and making me more Christ-like, and fulfilling His purposes. While these things may be true, there is nothing comforting, compassionate, kind or loving about these words. They have the effect of making me think God did this because I am so un-Christ-like and that if I was just a better person this wouldn't have happened to me. I am in no way saying that I am Christ-like, just that I am already searching, as I think most do when they suffer a miscarriage, for what I did wrong. Questions about whether I did something spiritually or physically frequently run through my mind. This leads me to the next what not to say. Assuming that when someone faces a trial it is because of some sin in their life or because they have in some way gone astray is not accurate and most importantly not Biblical, see Job. Some trials are testing and because God wants to take someone deeper still with Him (I would love to go to this conference, I did one of Priscilla, Beth and Kay's Bible studies and it was life changing). Some other hurtful comments are:
- Implying that this happened because we did IVF since you don't agree with IVF and that it is likely to happen again if we do another IVF. How do you know how God led us? The fact is God led us to IVF, adoption was my plan.
- Applying your own situation or worse your friend's sister's husband's brother's cousin's situation (I know that makes no sense I just strung them together randomly) to someone else's and assuming that if they just did ______ like you did or the other person did, then they would get pregnant whether it be surrender, claim your healing, or what ever. While God is unchanging He does not always choose to work in the same way. He may do a miracle in one person's life, work through a doctor in another's, lead the couple to adoption, or any number of other things. One thing we can be sure of, whatever happens it will be in His way and timing. Often even when you have surrendered it all to God, He says wait.
"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." Job 2: 11-13
Job's friends actually did a pretty good job at first, it was only when they opened their mouths to try to explain why everything had happened to Job that things starting going downhill. The point of this post is not to make anyone fearful about what to say, but rather to let people off the hook in regards to feeling like they need to have the perfect words to say or feeling like they need to provide an explanation as to why this has happened. There really are no perfect words. I think it can actually be more hurtful when we are too quick with our words. It is okay to be honest about the fact that you don't know what to say. A simple I love you, I'm praying for you is fine. I have been greatly comforted by a number of people who didn't say anything at all, but just gave me a hug. Of course I am not saying that I don't want you to tell me if God lays something on your heart to share with me. I am especially not referring to fellow bloggers who have shared their own stories with me, I have so appreciated the comments that have been left. For a few more do's and don'ts, I really like this article from Stepping Stones Ministries. They also have an article called On the Loss of Our Child which is worth reading. This article has some additional information and so does this one.
I know that the vast majority of people do not want to be hurtful and are well intentioned. I believe it is important to offer grace and forgiveness just as God offers us when someone says something hurtful. However, I do feel like I have been given the opportunity to share my thoughts and hopefully spare someone else the pain that I have experienced.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Grief and anger
It's hard to believe it has already been a week since we lost our baby girl. I found out from the doctor that they aren't going to do any genetic testing. Apparently, they only do that when you have multiple miscarriages. So we will just have to go with what our hearts have told us in regard to the baby's sex. I actually had a dream right before we started IVF that I would have a baby girl.
Last Friday's beta was about 2000, down from 10,000 at the ER on Tuesday evening. The 10,000 level was already lower than it should have been due to the fact that our baby actually died shortly after the eight week ultrasound. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. When I look at the post I did at nine weeks with all the pictures, it is not the pictures that bother me, it is the thought that sometime within the account of what we did for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day or that weekend, our baby died and we had no idea. This past Tuesday my beta was in the 400s. My doctor seemed pretty happy with these numbers. I go back next Tuesday for another beta. The doctor says that one may be less than 10. Even though I know this is a good thing in terms of avoiding a D&C, it just makes me so sad. Even though I know I have already lost her, seeing the confirmation in these numbers is just so hard.
Since I last posted the days have gone by in a blur and I find that suddenly I am at the end of another day. I think some of the initial shock and numbness has worn off and I found myself getting really angry, mostly with God, about what has happened. In the initial days, I felt every one's prayers carrying me through, but this past weekend I felt like I was crying out to God and getting no answer at all. I didn't feel like He was with me at all. I know that the Lord says He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe this to be true. But to be honest, it felt like God had abandoned me in the midst of my darkest days. I have heard others talk about times when they experienced similar feelings and the need to trust God's word rather than your feelings. Yesterday, it felt like things turned around a bit and I began to have some of the peace which had been alluding me. I also had a sense that ultimately things would be okay and that I would get through this eventually. However, I did decide to meet once a week with a grief counselor from my church.
One of the things I am wrestling with right now is this - How do I resume my normal daily activities after such a profound loss? It just doesn't feel right to me to just go on living my life. I know that there are some things that would be beneficial for me, like exercise, but I just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process and to go on means acceptance which I am nowhere near.
Last Friday's beta was about 2000, down from 10,000 at the ER on Tuesday evening. The 10,000 level was already lower than it should have been due to the fact that our baby actually died shortly after the eight week ultrasound. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. When I look at the post I did at nine weeks with all the pictures, it is not the pictures that bother me, it is the thought that sometime within the account of what we did for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day or that weekend, our baby died and we had no idea. This past Tuesday my beta was in the 400s. My doctor seemed pretty happy with these numbers. I go back next Tuesday for another beta. The doctor says that one may be less than 10. Even though I know this is a good thing in terms of avoiding a D&C, it just makes me so sad. Even though I know I have already lost her, seeing the confirmation in these numbers is just so hard.
Since I last posted the days have gone by in a blur and I find that suddenly I am at the end of another day. I think some of the initial shock and numbness has worn off and I found myself getting really angry, mostly with God, about what has happened. In the initial days, I felt every one's prayers carrying me through, but this past weekend I felt like I was crying out to God and getting no answer at all. I didn't feel like He was with me at all. I know that the Lord says He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe this to be true. But to be honest, it felt like God had abandoned me in the midst of my darkest days. I have heard others talk about times when they experienced similar feelings and the need to trust God's word rather than your feelings. Yesterday, it felt like things turned around a bit and I began to have some of the peace which had been alluding me. I also had a sense that ultimately things would be okay and that I would get through this eventually. However, I did decide to meet once a week with a grief counselor from my church.
One of the things I am wrestling with right now is this - How do I resume my normal daily activities after such a profound loss? It just doesn't feel right to me to just go on living my life. I know that there are some things that would be beneficial for me, like exercise, but I just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process and to go on means acceptance which I am nowhere near.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Grief
Grief has been so heavy last night and this morning. There are moments when I am in shock and numb and then something jars me out of that state and I begin grieving again. Often it is seeing someone for the first time so be forewarned that if you stop by or I run into you, I may start crying. There is something about seeing our grief reflected on the faces of those that love us. This is not a bad thing, tears are healing and I need to grieve. I know so many people are grieving right along with us. Sometimes it helps me to grieve when I think about the grief that others are feeling. It's almost like it's easier for me to think about the grief others are feeling for me than it is to directly feel my own grief. That probably doesn't make much sense, but that is the best I can do to describe it right now.
Today I went in to get my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels are. I can remember anxiously waiting for John to call me to let me know what my hCG level was after we found out we were pregnant. Now we have to wait for it to go back down. It seems weird to now be hoping for low levels, but if they don't go down, I will have to have a D&C. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a nurse at one of the medical clinics here on base so I was able to go in to his clinic and have him draw my blood rather than go to the lab and potentially face questions.
I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that this was the loss of what was likely to have been our only child (and may end up being our only child, only God knows). It is not like we can just get pregnant again. It was not always my hearts desire to be a wife and mother. Before I was a Christian, I was always very achievement oriented and once I became a Christian I wanted to do "big things" for God. But as God has taught me to find my adequacy in Him, I have found that my desire to be a wife and mother has only grown stronger. There really is nothing else I want to be. It seemed like my dreams were finally coming true. John is getting ready to start a great program to become a Family Nurse Practitioner, we are moving back to DC where we met and got married, John will be getting a huge pay raise in August when our baby was due, and we were going to have a baby. Everything was lining up and it seemed like God's perfect timing. But now the thought of going back to DC is so painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for our time there involving the new addition to our family.
I do question why God led us to do IVF and allowed it to work, only to take our baby home so early. But at the same time John and I have both said that we are happy to have had her (we feel like our baby was a girl) even for a little bit. John keeps reminding me that I am a mother, my babies are just in heaven. We do have a name picked out, but I want to wait until the lab report comes back before announcing it in case we are wrong about the sex.
We are both so appreciative of the comments on the blog, emails, cards, flowers, meals, and support we have received. It has given us a lot of comfort. Most of all we are thankful for your prayers. I know that so many people want to do something for us, but don't know what they can do and many feel powerless to help us. Pray. That is what you can do. It is what we need the most of. Only God can provide the healing, comfort, strength, and peace we need.
Today I went in to get my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels are. I can remember anxiously waiting for John to call me to let me know what my hCG level was after we found out we were pregnant. Now we have to wait for it to go back down. It seems weird to now be hoping for low levels, but if they don't go down, I will have to have a D&C. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a nurse at one of the medical clinics here on base so I was able to go in to his clinic and have him draw my blood rather than go to the lab and potentially face questions.
I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that this was the loss of what was likely to have been our only child (and may end up being our only child, only God knows). It is not like we can just get pregnant again. It was not always my hearts desire to be a wife and mother. Before I was a Christian, I was always very achievement oriented and once I became a Christian I wanted to do "big things" for God. But as God has taught me to find my adequacy in Him, I have found that my desire to be a wife and mother has only grown stronger. There really is nothing else I want to be. It seemed like my dreams were finally coming true. John is getting ready to start a great program to become a Family Nurse Practitioner, we are moving back to DC where we met and got married, John will be getting a huge pay raise in August when our baby was due, and we were going to have a baby. Everything was lining up and it seemed like God's perfect timing. But now the thought of going back to DC is so painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for our time there involving the new addition to our family.
I do question why God led us to do IVF and allowed it to work, only to take our baby home so early. But at the same time John and I have both said that we are happy to have had her (we feel like our baby was a girl) even for a little bit. John keeps reminding me that I am a mother, my babies are just in heaven. We do have a name picked out, but I want to wait until the lab report comes back before announcing it in case we are wrong about the sex.
We are both so appreciative of the comments on the blog, emails, cards, flowers, meals, and support we have received. It has given us a lot of comfort. Most of all we are thankful for your prayers. I know that so many people want to do something for us, but don't know what they can do and many feel powerless to help us. Pray. That is what you can do. It is what we need the most of. Only God can provide the healing, comfort, strength, and peace we need.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Miscarriage
Our baby has gone home to be with the Lord. Miscarriage appears to be complete.
After the ultrasound our doctor told us we had 3 options - watch and wait, medication, or D&C. I wanted to avoid a D&C if at all possible, I just felt that option would be the most traumatic for me personally. I was leaning toward medication, but I wanted to check with our RE to see if it mattered which option we went with as far as a future IVF cycle. They recommended a D&C, but mainly because some people end up having to have a D&C even after taking the medication and they were concerned about how far along I was. His nurse also told me that it took 3 weeks for her when she took the medication. That sounded agonizing to me, so I started thinking maybe I should go with the D&C. So I talked with our doctor again to get more details about the medication. He felt like we should go with the medication, especially since he knew how much I wanted to avoid a D&C. He explained that it usually did not take that long and because that baby actually died shortly after our last ultrasound it was much smaller than 10 weeks. He also put me in touch with a female colleague of his who had experienced miscarriages herself. I am so thankful for both of these doctors, they are both Christians and I know they (along with many others) have been praying for us. She told me exactly what to expect if I went the watch and wait route and what to expect with the medication. She said that if you went the watch and wait route you usually start bleeding for 7-10 days and then cramping begins, followed by contractions. She said the medication would basically speed up and condense this process into a shorter period of time. She also told me that if it had been available at the time for her she would have gone with the medication. We decided we would go with the medication. We were supposed to go in yesterday morning.
But that isn't how it happened. I can't explain the timing at all. The ER doctor said she thought that when we get the news that there is no heartbeat, our body responds as we find out this news. I don't really accept this explanation because I was still hoping for a miracle prior to the miscarriage starting. I think it is the Lord's mercy that He brought it about so quickly and that He allowed me to know that there was no heartbeat prior to the start of the miscarriage. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through what we went through Tuesday night without already knowing there was no heartbeat. I also couldn't help but think maybe it was answer to prayer that it would not drag on. I clicked on the profiles and blogs of so many of you that left comments Tuesday and saw that many of you have experienced your own losses. It is amazing to me that the miscarriage happened that day right after I posted when I had so many people praying for me.
After we got back from the doctor, I began spotting. At first I thought it was because of the exam, but it began to get heavier. Throughout the day the bleeding got heavier and heavier. Initially, I was having cramps like menstrual cramps, but by Tuesday evening they were contractions. They got closer together and more intense as the night wore on. I had no idea that a miscarriage was so much like labor (it makes sense that it would be, but I had no idea). John and I sat on the couch and then on our living room floor when things got really intense. He rubbed my back much like he would have if I was in labor. The whole experience felt so much like you would imagine giving birth feels. Only there was no baby at the end. By a little before midnight, I just couldn't take the pain any more. I was nauseous and doubled over in pain so we decided to go to the ER. Thankfully they took me straight back and gave me some morphine and anti-nausea medication. I think I was experiencing the height of it right then because shortly after getting to the ER I passed a large mass (I don't know if it was baby, placenta, or what). After that it seemed like the cramps started to go down a bit. When she did an ultrasound she said it looked like everything was gone except for one large clot. They gave me a little more pain medication before we left as well as another medication called cytotec to make sure everything gets cleared out. When we got home I passed another large mass. I was and am still cramping, but more like menstrual cramps now. Wednesday morning we went to see Dr. S for a follow-up. He gave me more cytotec to take yesterday, as well as more pain medication. After taking the medication I would have cramping, but nothing like what I experienced Tuesday night. From what I understand, this medication makes your uterus contract so that if there is anything still in there it can pass out. This didn't happen so hopefully that means everything has passed and I won't have to have a D&C. I called in to talk to the doctor (the female one who told me what to expect) today, she doesn't think I need to go in unless the bleeding or cramping gets worse rather than lessening or I get a fever.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping, partly because I got no sleep Tuesday night and partly because of the pain medication. I spent the rest of the time crying, watching TV, or on the computer. It was actually a great comfort for both John and I to check the blog or our emails and read the comments. I was not familiar with Lost and Found and Connections Abound until yesterday. Thank you to whoever sent my name into the site on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed by the support I received and it was truly an example of what the site hopes to accomplish. John and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from family and friends. Last night Monika from our small group brought us dinner. I have been fortunate to never have had a major illness or surgery so I have never been on the receiving end of a meal before. I would never have imagined what a comfort a meal can provide someone who is grieving. I can't tell you how much John and I appreciated it. I don't think I've ever eaten a more comforting meal in my life.
I think that some phone calls are okay now. I just really didn't want to have to keep repeating what had happened over and over again. I still don't want to and to be perfectly honest I am not one that wants to talk right away after something has happened. If you do call, please understand that I may tell you I don't want to talk right now.
After the ultrasound our doctor told us we had 3 options - watch and wait, medication, or D&C. I wanted to avoid a D&C if at all possible, I just felt that option would be the most traumatic for me personally. I was leaning toward medication, but I wanted to check with our RE to see if it mattered which option we went with as far as a future IVF cycle. They recommended a D&C, but mainly because some people end up having to have a D&C even after taking the medication and they were concerned about how far along I was. His nurse also told me that it took 3 weeks for her when she took the medication. That sounded agonizing to me, so I started thinking maybe I should go with the D&C. So I talked with our doctor again to get more details about the medication. He felt like we should go with the medication, especially since he knew how much I wanted to avoid a D&C. He explained that it usually did not take that long and because that baby actually died shortly after our last ultrasound it was much smaller than 10 weeks. He also put me in touch with a female colleague of his who had experienced miscarriages herself. I am so thankful for both of these doctors, they are both Christians and I know they (along with many others) have been praying for us. She told me exactly what to expect if I went the watch and wait route and what to expect with the medication. She said that if you went the watch and wait route you usually start bleeding for 7-10 days and then cramping begins, followed by contractions. She said the medication would basically speed up and condense this process into a shorter period of time. She also told me that if it had been available at the time for her she would have gone with the medication. We decided we would go with the medication. We were supposed to go in yesterday morning.
But that isn't how it happened. I can't explain the timing at all. The ER doctor said she thought that when we get the news that there is no heartbeat, our body responds as we find out this news. I don't really accept this explanation because I was still hoping for a miracle prior to the miscarriage starting. I think it is the Lord's mercy that He brought it about so quickly and that He allowed me to know that there was no heartbeat prior to the start of the miscarriage. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through what we went through Tuesday night without already knowing there was no heartbeat. I also couldn't help but think maybe it was answer to prayer that it would not drag on. I clicked on the profiles and blogs of so many of you that left comments Tuesday and saw that many of you have experienced your own losses. It is amazing to me that the miscarriage happened that day right after I posted when I had so many people praying for me.
After we got back from the doctor, I began spotting. At first I thought it was because of the exam, but it began to get heavier. Throughout the day the bleeding got heavier and heavier. Initially, I was having cramps like menstrual cramps, but by Tuesday evening they were contractions. They got closer together and more intense as the night wore on. I had no idea that a miscarriage was so much like labor (it makes sense that it would be, but I had no idea). John and I sat on the couch and then on our living room floor when things got really intense. He rubbed my back much like he would have if I was in labor. The whole experience felt so much like you would imagine giving birth feels. Only there was no baby at the end. By a little before midnight, I just couldn't take the pain any more. I was nauseous and doubled over in pain so we decided to go to the ER. Thankfully they took me straight back and gave me some morphine and anti-nausea medication. I think I was experiencing the height of it right then because shortly after getting to the ER I passed a large mass (I don't know if it was baby, placenta, or what). After that it seemed like the cramps started to go down a bit. When she did an ultrasound she said it looked like everything was gone except for one large clot. They gave me a little more pain medication before we left as well as another medication called cytotec to make sure everything gets cleared out. When we got home I passed another large mass. I was and am still cramping, but more like menstrual cramps now. Wednesday morning we went to see Dr. S for a follow-up. He gave me more cytotec to take yesterday, as well as more pain medication. After taking the medication I would have cramping, but nothing like what I experienced Tuesday night. From what I understand, this medication makes your uterus contract so that if there is anything still in there it can pass out. This didn't happen so hopefully that means everything has passed and I won't have to have a D&C. I called in to talk to the doctor (the female one who told me what to expect) today, she doesn't think I need to go in unless the bleeding or cramping gets worse rather than lessening or I get a fever.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping, partly because I got no sleep Tuesday night and partly because of the pain medication. I spent the rest of the time crying, watching TV, or on the computer. It was actually a great comfort for both John and I to check the blog or our emails and read the comments. I was not familiar with Lost and Found and Connections Abound until yesterday. Thank you to whoever sent my name into the site on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed by the support I received and it was truly an example of what the site hopes to accomplish. John and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from family and friends. Last night Monika from our small group brought us dinner. I have been fortunate to never have had a major illness or surgery so I have never been on the receiving end of a meal before. I would never have imagined what a comfort a meal can provide someone who is grieving. I can't tell you how much John and I appreciated it. I don't think I've ever eaten a more comforting meal in my life.
I think that some phone calls are okay now. I just really didn't want to have to keep repeating what had happened over and over again. I still don't want to and to be perfectly honest I am not one that wants to talk right away after something has happened. If you do call, please understand that I may tell you I don't want to talk right now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Devastation
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
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