One year ago today, I wrote this post:
Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.
I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
"Yet I still dare to hope..."
For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.
After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31
I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
This past year I also found hope in God's word.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5
Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18
These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.