Our First Easter

We had a wonderful first Easter together as a family. It started out on Palm Sunday with John being baptized. This was an answer to over 8 years of prayer, so it was very emotional for me. The first picture is of him giving his testimony. Joshua didn't like it when someone got dunked, he kept saying no, no, no. :-)

On Wednesday of that week, Joshua had his 1st Easter egg hunt. He wasn't all that into finding the eggs. Then when he discovered that candy was inside he wanted to stop right then and open his egg up to start eating it.

On Saturday, we dyed eggs.

Joshua's first Easter basket:

His favorite part of it - balloons!

After church, we had dinner at our community group leader's house and Joshua had his second Easter egg hunt.

The only family photo we managed to get on Easter, hey at least all three of us are in it.

 

I couldn't help but think back to past Easter's and remember the sadness we felt over not having children. One occasion particularly stuck out in my mind as I was thinking about these times. We had been invited by a friend to her house for a neighborhood get-together and Easter egg hunt. We were the only couple without children. I thought I could handle it, thought it would even be fun to watch all the kids. But I don't think we were there 10 minutes before I knew it was a huge mistake to have gone. We ended up leaving in a hurry as I struggled to hold back the tears. How different this year was, gloriously different.

I remember another Easter at my dad's church where the pastor preached about God's resurrection power. At the end of the service, he had us write down on a piece of paper where in our lives we needed God's resurrection power. At the time, my sister had just been diagnosed with cancer so of course I wrote that down (and praise God she is now cancer free). But at the last minute just before the cards were collected, I wrote down our infertility. I knew this was the place where I most needed God's power in my life.

I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks in gratitude because indeed God's resurrection power has triumphed. Though barren, He has made me a mother and brought Joshua into our family. Wherever you are on your infertility and/or adoption journey (or any painful situation), know this, the same power that raised Christ from the dead is act work in your situation.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:18-21

A Morning Date

This morning John and I had a short date, our first with a babysitter for Joshua. In January, when my mom was here we sneaked out for a dinner date after Joshua was in bed. It was wonderful! But we haven't felt ready to try a babysitter.

For the first 4 months home we didn't leave Joshua at all. At 4 months home when we switched churches, we decided to give church nursery a try. I know some people would be of the opinion that this is a little early to leave your child and others have probably already left their child in someone else's care by this point. Obviously, every child is different and everyone has different circumstances. Some people have to return to work. Others, like us, live in a place where they have no family and few friends. Our new church meets in a high school, so it really doesn't have a true cry room, just a space in the back of the auditorium which really only works for little babies. The choice was either continue to miss church as I had been doing to stay with Joshua or give it a try. Spiritually, I felt like I was in desperate need of this time to worship the Lord with my husband. Our church has a number of other adoptive moms and after asking their opinions we decided to go for it. My gut told me Joshua was ready for it, but I was so nervous. In the end, Joshua didn't cry at all. The same can't be said for me. I think he was a little anxious, but no more than any other child his age going to the nursery. The other thing I really watched for was any disturbances in his sleep. I knew if there was an issue it would come out in his sleep, either by lots of wake-ups with crying as it was in the beginning or a night terror. Thankfully, neither occurred. We were also invited to join a small group. One of the coolest things about this group is that every family in the group except one has adopted a child or is in the process of adopting. There are actually two other families with kids from Korea in the group! We meet on Sunday evenings and young lady named Imani from our church watches the kids in the family room while the adults have our study in the front room. It couldn't be a more perfect situation for our family. We are so grateful for the Lord's provision in this because we were so desperate for fellowship with other believers. We are finally feeling connected here in Tucson.

Imani has been watching Joshua on Sunday evenings for almost 3 months now and he has gotten quite comfortable with her. We have had a number of people offer to babysit for us when we were ready, but it was really hard for me to take anyone up on their offer. I just wasn't ready to take the plunge. Finally, last Sunday we ran into Imani after church service. This never has never happened before and it was as if the Lord orchestrated it. I felt His gentle nudge and knew it was time to ask her. She came over this morning and John and I went out for just over 2 hours. This way we would be home in time to put Joshua down for his nap. We went for bagels and coffee which we took to a nearby National Park. We climbed up on some rocks overlooking the park and just ate and talked. Then we went for a drive and stopped by a farmer's market. It was truly wonderful.

It got me thinking though. Sometimes I hear people say to couples dealing with infertility that you just have to enjoy the extra time you have together as a couple, and that is true to a certain extent. But something about that statement has never fully sat well with me. This morning I realized why. It is hard to enjoy that time when there is a huge gaping wound in your heart. That hole is ever present. For us, it was there for such a long time that it is hard to remember a time when it wasn't there. But this morning I got to feel what it feels like to go out with your husband and not have that hole present. And it was glorious.

The Lord has healed my heart and made me a joyful mother (Psalm 113:9). Thank you Lord!

Then and Now

The first 3 photos are from October after Joshua had been home for about a month. The last one is from January of this year and is one of my favorite photos. I love it because it shows how far we have come. Often I feel like people want to dismiss the pain and trauma experienced by children in adoption. I feel like there is a tendency for many people to look at the first photos and say well he's just nervous about the swing - it's a normal childhood issue. I am certain it is normal for some children. But not for Joshua. If there is one thing my son loves it is to be swung, and have the sensation of flying through the air or falling. Not only that, but he was a child that by all reports was fearless. We specifically asked his foster mother if there was anything he was afraid of, there was not. I believe with all my heart that fear entered Joshua's life when he went through the trauma of losing his foster family, language, country, culture, and pretty much everything else he was familiar with. And I hate that for him. He has experienced more pain at less than 2 years old than some people experience in a lifetime. I wish I could fix it. But I can't. All I can do is walk beside him through it and pray daily for the Lord to deliver him from fear and heal the broken places in his heart.

By no means is it "all better now" but we've come a long way - praise God!

Reflections on My Last Day of Work

Friday was my last day at my job. I can't help but look back and be amazed at how far the Lord has brought me. When I first started the job, I was still reeling from the devastation of my miscarriage and the final BFN that spelled the end of the road for us as far as infertility treatment. We had just arrived back in the DC area and knew I would need to work if we were going to be able to afford to adopt. However, in the state I was in emotionally, I knew I couldn't handle a long and difficult job search. I literally begged God for mercy. He answered me beyond any of my expectations. I had a job before I even started searching less than a month after our arrival in DC. It wasn't a job I loved, but it was the right job for me at the time.

At first, I was unable to even talk to my co-workers. I was in such a broken state I was unable to interact with any them. I just knew that if I was asked the dreaded question, "Do you have kids?" I would completely breakdown. And so I completely avoided talking to almost all of my co-workers for most of my first year on the job.

Except for one person. In the midst of my brokenness, the Lord brought a very special friend into my life. We were two broken people, and in our weakness, the Lord worked and enabled us to encourage and pray for one another. There were so many days where I didn't think I would make it, and the Lord would give her a Word to speak to me that gave me the strength to press on. And there were days where the Lord redeemed so many of the hurts in my life and the things He has brought me through by enabling me to give counsel to her. Only the Lord could do this.

Then there were days when I would walk in to work begging God for my time there to be short. My heart longed to be a mom and stay home with my children. Daily I would ask Him for His grace, strength, and help. But I am so grateful for those precious times with my Lord, for it was one of those days of crying out to the Lord on my way in to work when I finally made a decision to believe God is who He says He is and does what He says He will do.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children." Psalm 113:9

However, I never believed that meant pregnancy. It was about a year after starting my job, that I made the decision to let go of the desire for pregnancy. And almost immediately the Lord began the healing process.

Soon I found myself getting to know my co-workers, becoming part of the lunch group that ate together (and laughed together) every day.

I wasn't afraid of their questions anymore. I even was able to share our happy news about Joshua with them not long after we got the referral.

And on Friday in front of the entire office, I was completely comfortable when I was given a picture of him my friend had framed and had everyone sign with well wishes and words of congratulations. I couldn't help but think about how much the Lord had healed me. I was able to be joyful, open, and vulnerable again.

There were so many days when I didn't think I could go on, but the Lord, who is faithful, brought me through to the end. "Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me."

Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.

A Painful Realization

For quite some time I have felt adoption was the right path for us. Even before we went through treatment I felt this way. I am still very excited about adopting and want to build our family through adoption. But recently I realized I am struggling with some adoption losses. I think I was quick to embrace adoption after our last treatment and in fact talked more about adoption during our second treatment cycle than I did about the possibility of conceiving a biological child. Maybe I didn't really give it enough time after my miscarriage. Mentally I was completely unprepared for another pregnancy after we lost Johannah so maybe I was too quick to think I was okay with never achieving pregnancy. After all denial is my favorite coping mechanism :)

Now that more time has passed and a great deal of healing has occurred, I am finding I think more about pregnancy. Reading books that go over developmental stages and how the particular stage impacts adoption has made me think about all that we may miss out on by not adopting a baby. As I have said before, being a mom has always been more important to me than being pregnant and I have always loved toddlers (call me crazy!) so we are open to adopting a child that is not a baby. But these losses are really hitting me right now.

And so the big realization:

Adoption won't fix infertility.

Some of these losses will remain. Adoption and infertility are two separate things. In our adoption class we talked about the gains and losses of adoption for all members of the adoption triad. I must grieve and accept the losses. But I know that the Lord is able to heal me and bring true peace. As difficult as it is right now for me to envision a time when the sight of a pregnant woman is not a source of pain, I know that is is possible. Even if I never experience pregnancy and childbirth myself, it is possible, for with God all things are possible. So I am asking God to heal me and prepare me for the family He has for me, whether through adoption or childbirth, or even both.

As part of seeking the Lord's healing, I am rereading Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward and doing the study guide at the end. It is meant for those no longer going through infertility treatment (though I read it the first time just before I started treatment). Since I am now at the point the book was meant to address, I thought I could benefit from a second reading. I may post about some of what I learn in upcoming posts, but for now this Scripture from chapter 1:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3.

The Sorrow in my Heart

In my last post, I asked how long I would carry this sorrow in my heart. I think this question is one I am really struggling with right now. These last several days I have been so sad and I wonder if it will always be this way. Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, children - they have all been on my mind lately. I have always been more upset by the idea of not having children as opposed to the idea of not being pregnant. But lately I have been thinking about pregnancy too. I am sure that the fact that it is my time of the month isn't helping any with all these emotions. It is a monthly reminder of what has not happened and will likely never happen. I think that is the hard part though. I believe in miracles. I believe that with God all things are possible. Nothing is too hard for Him. But therein lies the problem. I never completely give up hope of becoming pregnant. Almost every month the question of "what if..." is there. I believe that it is best to finish fertility treatments before moving forward with adoption and this is what we have done. I have also grieved the loss of conceiving a child with John and experiencing pregnancy and childbirth. We have sought to accept that we will likely never have a biological child. But when you believe in a God of miracles, do you ever fully accept this? Are we meant to? Should we always hold out hope that God will do a miracle? It is not that adoption is in anyway a lesser choice, but the desire to bear children is a powerful one. Proverbs 30:15-16 says,

"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'

Like I never have before, I am having to surrender this desire to the Lord. I believe He has led us to adopt and I continue to pursue that path, believing it is God's best for us. But I do wonder, once we have adopted and no longer have the sorrow of childlessness, will it be better? Will I be able to go to baby showers? Will others' birth stories cause me the pain they now do? Will a book or a movie that depicts an interaction between parent and child that goes unnoticed by most people be the knife in my heart it is now? Will I be able to go to MOPS and hang out with all the other moms like a normal person? These questions remain unanswered for now. But I do know I want this sorrow to be gone. I can't carry it any more. Lord, please heal me, please take this sorrow from my heart.

I am once again brought before the Lord in prayer. It is the only place to go. He is the only One who can change our situation. Lord, glorify your Name as you fulfill your purpose for our family.

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Grief counselor/Crisis Care Minister

I mentioned in a previous post that one of the things that helped me the most after my m/c was meeting weekly with a grief counselor from my church. I think she (I call her M in case she doesn't want me to give her name) is actually called a crisis care minister. At my church crisis care ministers are part of the congregational care ministry. They are very similar to Stephen Ministers which I think a lot of churches have. Stephen Ministers, according to their website, are "lay caregivers who provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people." I wanted to write a bit about this in the hopes that this information may help someone else. Of course, I wish that none of you would need a ministry like this. I wish that none of you would ever experience hurt or pain, but that is not the world we live in. Jesus said we would have trouble in the world (John 16:33). The thing is, prior to my m/c, I really didn't know this ministry was something my church had and I certainly wouldn't have thought about utilizing this ministry after a m/c. Of course, that is partly because that would involve actually asking for help, something I don't do very well (the Lord is still working on me with this one). The meetings came about because M and I are in the same small group. They know about our IF and IVF and were among the first people we told about the m/c. If M hadn't called and offered to meet with me, it is unlikely that we would have begun meeting together because, like I said before, my pride would have kept me from asking for help.

M and I have met every week since about the third week in January. It is a designated time for me to be able to talk about everything without ever feeling like a broken record or feeling that I am burdening someone else too much with my problems. I think the thing that helps me the most is that each week I set goals to be accomplished by the next time we meet together. Knowing that M is going to ask me about the goals I set provides a level of accountability for me that is very motivating. I am not usually one to say I will do something and then not do it. Early on the goals focused on planning and having a service for Johannah. Other times they were very simple goals like exercising. I had mentioned previously that when you face a loss any unresolved grief comes back up, so lately my goals have related to dealing with these issues. By setting these goals, I am intentional about spending time each week focusing on healing. One of the other things that has been most helpful is that each week she asks me for specific prayer requests. I strongly believe in the power of prayer. Having someone who knows exactly where I am at and what I am struggling with praying for me on a regular basis is a huge blessing. Someone asked me if it was just like counseling. There are similarities - we meet together for about an hour, our time together is focused and intentional, and she is objective in her relationship with me. It differs from counseling in that the goal is to provide care. They come along side of you in the midst of your crisis in a way that counselors do not. I am so thankful for this ministry and the healing that has come about through it. I think that a ministry like this could be a great help to anyone facing a crisis.