Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Remembering

I have been wanting to write a "good-bye 2010, hello 2011" post, but have really been struggling with it. It probably didn't help matters that I started off the year with a sinus infection and my monthly friend. But I guess what it really comes down to is I am feeling guilty that I haven't been able to write a hope-filled post about how excited I am it's 2011. The truth is my predominant emotion about this upcoming year has been uncertainty. There just feels like there are so many unknowns right now. We are due to move (as a result of John's military service) in less than five months and we have absolutely no idea where that is going to be. And even though I know intellectually that this is the year we will most likely bring Joshua home, it doesn't feel like it right now. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it all just feels so far off and unreal.

The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.

However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.

7 comments:

Grace said...

out you and praying for you, becky...2011 will bring lots of change your way, but the Lord is faithful to see you through all of it -- the good, the great, and the maybe ;)

Amy said...

I will be praying for you tomorrow, Becky!

Lisa said...

Praying for you Becky!!!

Deni said...

Sending you prayers and love!

A said...

I have been missing and praying for you. I will be thinking of you especially today as you remember your first baby (HUG)

Christy said...

Hugs and prayers. You will definitely be prayed for. God has a plan even when we don't understand it.

Flakymn said...

I have been working on my book and revisiting those dark times. It is so hard to do emotionally. They were so dark. But God's mercies ARE renewed every morning. I pray for a day to come when the grief is lessened. It will always be there. Even for me, it is there. But it is lessened. It rears it's head less often. Joshua WILL help with that. You will find yourself so exhausted, laughing so hard, so busy with him, that your sadness will dissipate. Sometimes it will come back. But it will ease a little.

And what an awesome day in heaven when you get to meet those who are no longer here with you!