Monday, May 11, 2009

Officially a BFN

It's official. I just got the call from Dr. K - a BFN - not that it was a surprise. I think I am still processing it right now and of course the move is a major distraction. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm sure it will hit me more over these next few days and once we get settled into our new home. Speaking of which, I think we may have found a house. We put in an application today so we are just waiting to hear whether we are approved or not.

I think the main thing I am wrestling with right now are the "what ifs." What is we hadn't limited the number of eggs we allowed them to ICSI. Did we do the right thing? Did we give ourselves a fair shot? Of course, Dr. K says we shouldn't limit the number, but I don't think I would expect him to say anything else. I felt like he placed the entire "blame" as to why it didn't work on the fact that we limited the number even though we had more this cycle than last cycle when I actually got pregnant. I don't know what to think. One thing we are pretty sure about - this is more than likely the end of the road for us in terms of fertility treatment. None of our embryos made it to be frozen just like last cycle. From the get go, we felt that we wanted to try 2 cycles and of course commit to any frozen embryos we had. We don't have any frozen so we feel ready to stop. With shared risk, we still have a 3rd try, but we think we will cancel out of the program and get the 70% refund. Who knows maybe they will cancel us, considering that we only had 1 6-cell, grade 3 embryo to transfer. I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea of being "done" trying.

So what's next for us? We are still praying about it, but we do sense God leading us in a particular direction. I will get into more details later.


Monika said...

I'm so sorry Becky :( (((hugs)))

I'm surprised Dr. K would be opposed to limiting the number, since he's a Christian, too. (Not sure if faith reasons are why you limited them, so sorry if that is misguided) I just kind of assumed a Christian RE would totally understand that feeling/line of thinking. I don't know... I guess that's another assumption. :(

I'm praying for you guys.

A said...

Hey Becky, I am so sorry, but in some ways, I am glad you have other things to think about right now. Many hugs!! I pray that God will be clear to you! I am struggling with that right now, so I can't wait to hear about how He's leading you...and to what!

Flakymn said...

I remember well that the official results seemed to be a final punch in the gut -- you still hold out hope despite the negative HPTs.

I know that I always have and still do have a lot of what-ifs. It's a big part of the infertility game. You guys did what the Lord was leading you both, on the same page, to do ...

God will continue to lead. And I look forward to seeing where you go.

Mark and Niki said...

I understand. There are little wods of comfort in times like thise. I am praying for you. Thank you for your kind words, and the comfort you have given me.

Dena said...

I am so, so sorry. Hang in there.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh Becky, I'm so sorry.
I'm praying for you.

Stacey said...


I'm so sorry about the BFN. Even when it's expected, I know it is still hard to hear the official word. I am holding on to hope for you, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you! My heart aches for the pain you must be feeling right now, but I pray that soon you will be able to rejoice in what is to come.

Great news about a possible house! Keep us posted!


Alicia said...

Becky I'm sorry to hear about this. Don't let the doc make YOU feel bad It's your conscience and your walk with the Lord.

This is such a hard thing to deal with. But I'm looking forward to see what road the Lord is leading to :)

God bless praying for you!

Becky said...

In answer to Monika's question, yes, it is for religious reasons in the sense that we believe we must give each embryo a chance at life. I was concerned from the start about ending up with more embryos than we could ever use. After my m/c, my greatest fear became having a second m/c and still having frozen ones we would have to go back for. I knew beyond a doubt that a 2nd m/c would be all I could take and that I wouldn't want to have to do any more cycles.

Bottoms Off said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you find your way to the right answer.