Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Sorrow in my Heart

In my last post, I asked how long I would carry this sorrow in my heart. I think this question is one I am really struggling with right now. These last several days I have been so sad and I wonder if it will always be this way. Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, children - they have all been on my mind lately. I have always been more upset by the idea of not having children as opposed to the idea of not being pregnant. But lately I have been thinking about pregnancy too. I am sure that the fact that it is my time of the month isn't helping any with all these emotions. It is a monthly reminder of what has not happened and will likely never happen. I think that is the hard part though. I believe in miracles. I believe that with God all things are possible. Nothing is too hard for Him. But therein lies the problem. I never completely give up hope of becoming pregnant. Almost every month the question of "what if..." is there. I believe that it is best to finish fertility treatments before moving forward with adoption and this is what we have done. I have also grieved the loss of conceiving a child with John and experiencing pregnancy and childbirth. We have sought to accept that we will likely never have a biological child. But when you believe in a God of miracles, do you ever fully accept this? Are we meant to? Should we always hold out hope that God will do a miracle? It is not that adoption is in anyway a lesser choice, but the desire to bear children is a powerful one. Proverbs 30:15-16 says,

"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'

Like I never have before, I am having to surrender this desire to the Lord. I believe He has led us to adopt and I continue to pursue that path, believing it is God's best for us. But I do wonder, once we have adopted and no longer have the sorrow of childlessness, will it be better? Will I be able to go to baby showers? Will others' birth stories cause me the pain they now do? Will a book or a movie that depicts an interaction between parent and child that goes unnoticed by most people be the knife in my heart it is now? Will I be able to go to MOPS and hang out with all the other moms like a normal person? These questions remain unanswered for now. But I do know I want this sorrow to be gone. I can't carry it any more. Lord, please heal me, please take this sorrow from my heart.

I am once again brought before the Lord in prayer. It is the only place to go. He is the only One who can change our situation. Lord, glorify your Name as you fulfill your purpose for our family.

5 comments:

Dave and Elaine said...

I know exactly how you feel. I, too, struggle with this. I still sometimes find myself wondering if maybe just maybe I'm pregnant this month??!? Only to start my period soon after...

I will say that, for me, the deep pain isn't there anymore. I don't feel sadness in my heart every time I start my period. I can go to baby showers and watch other mothers with their children and feel no pain, BUT I am a mother now. Once you become a mother through the miracle of adoption, the pain will not be as harsh as it is today. Time really does heal. At least it has for me and I would assume it will for you too as God's perfect plan for you is revealed in His perfect timing.

But today, your pain is real, the sorrow is there and I can feel it as if it were my own. Just know I am praying for you tonight.

Stacey said...

I remember the first time I found that same scripture you quoted here. I was so glad that the Bible recognized what a strong urge I had to become a mother! When others ask why I keep pursuing this instead of giving up, I point them to that verse.

I am so sorry that the sorrow and uncertainty have been weighing you down. The ultimate prayer would be that God would provide healing! I will pray that for you with full confidence that He can do it. If He chooses to give you a baby in a different way, I pray for a peace in your heart that only He can give. I know that you are going to be a great mother one day. You already are, Becky! You have a beautiful mother's heart that will be a blessing to any child.

Love & prayers as you wait on the Lord.

Alicia said...

First of all I of course totally understand the crushing burden and sorrow of infertility and loss. I'm not sure if it will ever completly disapeer in this world. But I think that you have joy unspeakable to look forward to with your adoption......God will totally rock your world :)

Praying for you tonight.

Lisa said...

I have been struggling with the same thing recently. I KNOW that God can work miracles and so each month I really believe that I could be pregnant. Even this month being on birth control my husband pointed out that the likelihood I could get pregnant this month is just as high as any other month with God! And I totally believe that...but like you said, therein lies the problem. I believe we always should have faith that the Lord can work miracles...but it makes life so much harder because we never give up hope! Man this infertility/adoption stuff is hard. All we can do is pray that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) Because as long as I believe that I could be pregnant each month, I am going to need Him to protect my heart when I am not...

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

{{{hugs}}}

Just came across your blog and stopped to pray for you this morning.

jenni saake
author, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss