Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Searching for the Quickest Path

Another cycle has passed. This one wasn’t as hard as the last one. I had a bit of a revelation as to why I have been having such a hard time recently. I thought I was “at peace” with not ever experiencing pregnancy. It was what we told our social worker. It felt true at the time. So what was going on? I realize now that when we got the news about the delay in the adoption, my mind began to race around searching for the quickest possibly path to a child. I was trying to find a way to make it happen. A miracle pregnancy that would bring forth a child in 9 months seemed like my best (and by best I mean quickest) option. Ever since we got the news, I have been hoping God would do a miracle and rescue me from this situation. And when I am not thinking about a miracle pregnancy, I am wondering why we can’t get a phone call, as several others I know have, making us parents in a matter of hours. I have been begging God to intervene in some way. The other thing I realized is that it has only been a year since we were officially "done" with infertility treatment. For me the grief comes in waves. I don't know if it is possible to grieve such a big loss as this all at once.

The truth is I have been a bit of a mess lately - sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes jealous, and often grieving. I always felt so strong in this battle, but now I fear it may overwhelm me.

The news about our adoption rocked my world, and not in a good way. I don't think I realized how much it had affected me until this past week. The other night I was discussing all this with John. He responded that he felt we were just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and he began to list off the series of losses that have occurred for us throughout this journey. This news rocketed me out of the comfortable secure place I was in mentally and emotionally. I really don’t understand why it has affected me this way. But suddenly, international adoption became much less of a sure thing for me. It became vulnerable. Truthfully, it always was. I knew that any number of things could cause disruptions in international adoption (like say a war between North Korea and South Korea) and even a birth mother changing her mind after you receive a referral. I knew all of this before, but for once I wasn’t concerned about it. This was going to be our time. It was finally going to happen for us. I could hope and dream. And in an email it came crashing down. For reasons, I can’t entirely explain it no longer seems real to me. Adoption now feels abstract, distant, an occurrence that may or may not happen someday.

But I want to hope again.

I want to be excited again.

I want to dream again.

P.S. I am sorry I have been such a bad blog friend lately in terms of offering support and comments. My heart has just been very heavy lately and I haven't had the strength. Morningsun, I will answer your question regarding whether we would ever do IVF again in an upcoming post.


DeniFay said...

Oh my goodness, all I can say is I echo those feelings still daily. I hate to act like I understand when our situations are so different, but that rollercoaster of emotions, thinking you're completely fine, then not being. Knowing you're doing the right thing, then it just not seeming really possible or really real. I've felt all of those things. I've grieved our not being pregnant over and over, I've been completely sure of adoption, then completely unsure. I've been convinced of 'this being our time' and then paranoid out of my mind that 'this may not be it'. I wish I could just come give you a huge hug, one that would let you know that even though our situations aren't identical, there is so much we share in common on this journey!! Please know that I'll be praying for you and that God WILL fill you with peace again, and you might have to ask over and over and over again for that peace, but He WILL provide it time and again!

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Amy said...

The thoughts you shared are all valid and pretty profound. I can hear myself saying some of those same comments in my head as we went through the adoption journey. It's hard to put one dream one the shelf and say goodbye to that dream (pregnancy), and then turn around and fully embrace the adoption journey (that is so full of emotional ups and downs). This past weekend a family member announced their pregnancy to us, and for some reason, it hurt a part of my heart that I wasn't expecting. It was selfish of me to feel a bit of jealousy since I now have 2 beautiful boys. But, that dream of another pregnancy came haunting me for a moment.
I'm rooting for you and your husband. You will become a mother, and it will happen the way it's supposed to happen. Be strong, keep believing. :)

Anonymous said...

May God give you peace and discernment that you need. You don't have to answer my question, maybe you don't know how you feel about it. In the big picture, remember your hopes and dream to be a mother. Continue to trust Him even in the grief and pain, not in your emotions.

Courtney said...

Thank you for being honest so that we can specifically pray for you. I know by sharing your true emotions that you are helping other women feeling the same way.

Stacey said...

No apologies necessary, Becky. This path you're on is so hard, and seems impossibly hard at times, I'm sure. Thanks for continuing to share your honest emotions, fears, and doubts. You ARE strong, even when it doesn't feel like it, and your words and faith inspire so many. I keep praying that God will fill your heart and your home with joy, peace, and children to love. May it be soon, Lord!

Alicia said...

Becky I will be lifting you up in prayer for that sometimes very elusive peace that passess all understanding. You have been through so much, and I know that God is using it to make you an amazing mother to a very special child that needs you. I hope very soon!

Lisa said...

I, too, thank you for your honesty Becky. It hurts me to read what you are feeling and going through but I am so glad that you are sharing it and putting those feelings into words. I am praying that God will bring you comfort right now and help you dream, hope and be excited again soon!

Hannah said...

Oh, you really showed your heart on this post. I wish I could give you hug. So much grief connected with all of this. I will be praying for you!

GrandmaDe said...

Hi Becky and Jon

I've been following you from afar - and praying for you. I just wanted to remind you that Auntie De is absolutely primed and ready to make your baby his or her first quilt as soon as I get the word - and I absolutely know that it will come. God is good, and some day we'll be able to see in the rear view mirror why you have had to wait so long. Easy for me to say, but I know that your baby will come at the right time, not before. And I know that he or she will come.
hugs and love,

Anonymous said...

Becky, my agency sent us a letter addressing the S.Korea/N.Korea situation. They feel like it would not disrupt international adoptions as the relations of S.Korean and U.S. are stable and longstanding in international adoption. I don't know if your agency gave you any assurances like this?

Jennifer said...

Oh Becky, I am so very sorry. It is so hard for me when things don't go as I planned or wish for them to. I think it's normal to grieve over time. This type of loss hits us at different times with different situations. As happy as I am about going forward with our adoption, I still feel sad that I will never give birth. That we'll never have a child that looks like us. Even though it's ok and I am in a good place with it, sometimes it still hits me and it hurts. I just try to remember that God's timing is so much better than mine. He has proved that time and time again to me.

Hold on and know that it will happen for you. Hugs to you my sweet friend!

Anonymous said...

I have no words... just sending you a BIG BIG ~~BIG~~ hug. I hate that our paths are never easy or predictable, but I love that we are not in control of our journey and we have a better author than we ever could be.