Another cycle has passed. This one wasn’t as hard as the last one. I had a bit of a revelation as to why I have been having such a hard time recently. I thought I was “at peace” with not ever experiencing pregnancy. It was what we told our social worker. It felt true at the time. So what was going on? I realize now that when we got the news about the delay in the adoption, my mind began to race around searching for the quickest possibly path to a child. I was trying to find a way to make it happen. A miracle pregnancy that would bring forth a child in 9 months seemed like my best (and by best I mean quickest) option. Ever since we got the news, I have been hoping God would do a miracle and rescue me from this situation. And when I am not thinking about a miracle pregnancy, I am wondering why we can’t get a phone call, as several others I know have, making us parents in a matter of hours. I have been begging God to intervene in some way. The other thing I realized is that it has only been a year since we were officially "done" with infertility treatment. For me the grief comes in waves. I don't know if it is possible to grieve such a big loss as this all at once.
The truth is I have been a bit of a mess lately - sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes jealous, and often grieving. I always felt so strong in this battle, but now I fear it may overwhelm me.
The news about our adoption rocked my world, and not in a good way. I don't think I realized how much it had affected me until this past week. The other night I was discussing all this with John. He responded that he felt we were just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and he began to list off the series of losses that have occurred for us throughout this journey. This news rocketed me out of the comfortable secure place I was in mentally and emotionally. I really don’t understand why it has affected me this way. But suddenly, international adoption became much less of a sure thing for me. It became vulnerable. Truthfully, it always was. I knew that any number of things could cause disruptions in international adoption (like say a war between North Korea and South Korea) and even a birth mother changing her mind after you receive a referral. I knew all of this before, but for once I wasn’t concerned about it. This was going to be our time. It was finally going to happen for us. I could hope and dream. And in an email it came crashing down. For reasons, I can’t entirely explain it no longer seems real to me. Adoption now feels abstract, distant, an occurrence that may or may not happen someday.
But I want to hope again.
I want to be excited again.
I want to dream again.
P.S. I am sorry I have been such a bad blog friend lately in terms of offering support and comments. My heart has just been very heavy lately and I haven't had the strength. Morningsun, I will answer your question regarding whether we would ever do IVF again in an upcoming post.