Monday, February 15, 2010

A Painful Realization

For quite some time I have felt adoption was the right path for us. Even before we went through treatment I felt this way. I am still very excited about adopting and want to build our family through adoption. But recently I realized I am struggling with some adoption losses. I think I was quick to embrace adoption after our last treatment and in fact talked more about adoption during our second treatment cycle than I did about the possibility of conceiving a biological child. Maybe I didn't really give it enough time after my miscarriage. Mentally I was completely unprepared for another pregnancy after we lost Johannah so maybe I was too quick to think I was okay with never achieving pregnancy. After all denial is my favorite coping mechanism :)

Now that more time has passed and a great deal of healing has occurred, I am finding I think more about pregnancy. Reading books that go over developmental stages and how the particular stage impacts adoption has made me think about all that we may miss out on by not adopting a baby. As I have said before, being a mom has always been more important to me than being pregnant and I have always loved toddlers (call me crazy!) so we are open to adopting a child that is not a baby. But these losses are really hitting me right now.

And so the big realization:

Adoption won't fix infertility.

Some of these losses will remain. Adoption and infertility are two separate things. In our adoption class we talked about the gains and losses of adoption for all members of the adoption triad. I must grieve and accept the losses. But I know that the Lord is able to heal me and bring true peace. As difficult as it is right now for me to envision a time when the sight of a pregnant woman is not a source of pain, I know that is is possible. Even if I never experience pregnancy and childbirth myself, it is possible, for with God all things are possible. So I am asking God to heal me and prepare me for the family He has for me, whether through adoption or childbirth, or even both.

As part of seeking the Lord's healing, I am rereading Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward and doing the study guide at the end. It is meant for those no longer going through infertility treatment (though I read it the first time just before I started treatment). Since I am now at the point the book was meant to address, I thought I could benefit from a second reading. I may post about some of what I learn in upcoming posts, but for now this Scripture from chapter 1:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3.


Jennifer said...

I have been feeling the same way about adoption lately. I'm not sure if it's because I don't want to get my hopes up about being pregnant or what. I am a jumble of emotions and just keep praying. I want to follow God's plan and not my plan. I also feel the same way you do about being a mom. I don't care how it happens. I just want to be a mom!

I am glad you are healing. I will pray that you continue to heal. I know God has a child for you. His plan will be a great one!

Lisa said...

Oh my heart breaks a little bit for you as I read this post. Even though Barry and I are not at that point yet, you echo the thoughts that I have had when thinking about adoption. I want to be a mommy, I want to have a child much more than I want to be pregnant. But thinking about never being pregnant...never having that biological child...I don't know how I could ever completely grieve that loss. Having a child in my arms through adoption would make it easier, but how do you grieve something that is such a strong, deep rooted desire?

I will be praying for you Becky. Praying that the Lord will comfort you and help you heal to the point that you can see pregnant woman and not ache. I am praying that you have that child in your arms one day so soon.

Flakymn said...

Becky. I love these words. It is very true. Adoption does not fix infertility. God does. I believe adoption helps pad the wound, just like a hug helps heal a broken heart. But it doesn't fix it. I know exactly where you are at right now and I pray God's peace for you in whichever way he chooses to build your family.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am learning so much from you as I am moving towards adoption. Actually the reason I gave in vitro a chance was that a adopted mother of two said at a adoption orientation, that when she had a hysterectomy, she grieved again that this would be the final door closed of her ever having biologically children.

Alicia said...

Becky, my heart goes out to you. I was just praying for you, John, and your future child earlier today.

I will continue to pray for God's Holy Spirit to heal you and to guide you. I pray for you to have that deep down abiding joy even though life can get fiesty on us.

Love Alicia (((HUGS)))

Dave and Elaine said...

Becky, I feel your pain!! God will heal your heart one way or another. Praying for you...

Jennifer said...

Check out my blog...there's something for you over there. :)

Stacey said...

Becky, you make so many important points in this post. You continue to minister to so many who are hurting, and I know that so many women can identify with these words. I think society does view adoption as a fix for infertility, and I think it's great that you've addressed that here so clearly. I'm still believing with you and resting in the knowledge that with God nothing is impossible! Thinking of you often, and looking forward to seeing His plans unfold in your life.