Monday, July 12, 2010

Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.


Niki said...

Letting go is always easier said than done. It's great that you can recognize things now, so you can be in the best place possible when your little one comes home. I heard someone say once "Adoption cures childlessness, but not infertility." It's true. I will admit things have been much better for me emotionally since our little one came home. Probably in large part because I don't have time to sit and think too often. But there are still losses to grieve along the way.

Dave and Elaine said...

Letting that dream/hope of a miracle pregnancy happening is a huge step in the healing/grieving process. It is a very hard step, but a necessary one so you don't take this grief with you to Korea!

Lisa said...

I love how you are so open and honest about your feelings on your blog. I know it is hepling many women out there realize they are not alone with those same feelings.

Speaking from the perspecitve of an adoption worker, I always get very concerned when I see a couple who has not grieved the losses you talk about. It is not fair to their future child if they haven't grieved those losses by the time the child is in the picture. As hard as I am sure the process is, you are doing an amazing job really knowing yourself and knowing what YOU need to better yourself and better the life or your future child!

I am still a praying for you!!!

Hannah said...

I understand that the letting go and grief needs to occur, but I'm so sorry that you're grieving! I'll be praying with you and for you.
(Oh, and I really like your new blog layout!)

Stacey said...

Becky, I'm so sorry you have to go through this process of grieving and letting go. I will never understand situations like this, except to trust that our Lord has a plan that we just don't yet see.
What I do know is that you are an amazing woman who will provide a wonderful home for her children one day, hopefully soon. That will be a time of rejoicing, although I know that loss is part of this journey. You are often in my prayers and my thoughts, sweet friend.

Jennifer said...

Oh Becky, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced so I can imagine your pain and grief. I think I'll always have a part of me that is sad that I won't get to experience being pregnant and giving birth, but I think I am in a good place with it all now. I am excited about adopting and know that God's plan for us will be amazing. And that if we were able to conceive a biological child we would miss out on our child we will have through adoption. It just takes lots of prayer and patience to get to this point. Will be praying for that for you. Hugs, my friend!

Stacy said...

You are a wise woman to try and deal with your infertility grief now Becky. I know for me, it was always hardest to see pregnant woman rather than babies because that was the 'state' I was trying to achieve. And I had a lot of unresolved bitterness I needed to work through -- I am so thankful I did because when we got the call about Samuel my heart was whole, healthy and ready to receive God's blessing for us. It is so hard, but so worth it. My heart hurts for you because I vividly recall the monthly roller coaster of hope and despair. I will be praying that as you grieve this loss, God would grant you deep peace. And that He would bring you a baby SOON!!

Rachel said...

Hi! I love your blog and just wanted to say how much I appreciate you sharing your heart. We also struggled with infertility and have adopted from South Korea. We have had to go through the process of "letting go" and it is certainly such a hard thing. We have been amazed by what the Lord has done in blessing us with the most precious son - truly we would not change anything for the world now! But it really is a process and God has healed so much of that hurt, though sometimes I still find myself having to turn it over to the Him again. It is a blessing to me to read other people's stories and to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for sharing!!!!