Saturday, August 7, 2010

Beginning to Heal

I had a wonderful visit with Wendi. It did my heart good to visit with her and her hubby and kids. While we share a struggle with infertility; our connection goes way beyond infertility and I have been so blessed by her friendship. She has been gone for a little over a week now.

The visit was good for me in another way also. For a few days, I got to go to the playground at the end of my street; I had little boys rolling their cars on my table (Wendi, I have found 2 so far!), and the movie Cars on the DVD player. We have been waiting to be parents for so long that sometimes I worry that I will not know how to be a mom when the times comes. The world of playgrounds and playdates is so far removed from my life right now that I often wonder how I will transition. This is especially true for me here in the DC area because most of my friends here are single without children and so I am rarely ever exposed to moms with kids. There are times when that makes things easier (less painful), but at the same time, I don’t think this is entirely good for me. I worry I will be completely clueless since I am not around a lot of moms like most women my age. Time with Wendi and her boys helped me see that I will do just fine when the time comes. Certainly, there is much I will have to learn, but I think that is the case for any new mom. I think the visit also helped to open my heart and enable me to see myself as a mom-to-be. I love being around kids (especially toddlers) and it is good to know this hasn’t changed.

I have also been doing much better as far as “letting go.” This month’s cycle did not bring the grief the previous ones had. In fact, I was able to immediately think about the fact that every time I start, it means we get to meet our son (or possibly daughter) in Korea. Recently, our adoption agency reiterated the pregnancy policy of the agency in Korea. Basically, if you get pregnant you lose your referral. I think this is absolutely helping me to think about things differently. I know this will be difficult for many people to understand, but I would be devastated if we lost our referral (no we haven't gotten one yet!), even if it meant pregnancy happened.

As part of this change, I am really making a point to force myself to interact with new moms and pregnant ladies if the opportunity arises. Normally, I would just ignore or avoid them, but I think it is important for the healing process to no longer do this.

By the way, this has never been the case for me with women I have formed a connection with through blogging. I have always been able to read pregnancy blogs if it is someone I have already been reading and praying for. I wanted those of you who have recently announced pregnancies (Lisa and Hannah), and Stacey (due in September) that I am not avoiding your blogs. I have been a terrible blogger lately and really haven’t been commenting on anyone’s blog (mostly due to lack of time and somewhat due to lack of energy – half marathon training has been wiping me out). I continue to rejoice in what God has done in your lives and pray for healthy pregnancies. Just wanted you guys to know this. I had to write this post during lunch at work on Thursday and am just now finishing it to post it.

In adoption news, we received a notice that the “FBI was unable to process” John’s fingerprints for our I600a immigration application. Really? They only have 2 sets from previous background checks. He only has a secret security clearance as a military officer. Okay, I’m done now :) They gave him a new appointment, but it is when we will be in Hawaii. I emailed our agency and they didn’t seem too concerned about it, but I would love prayers for him to receive a new appointment very soon. John has to go away for 10 weeks in the fall for clinical training, so we are hoping for an appointment before he leaves.

Speaking of this, I realized that John may not be right there with me when we get our referral (he will be in FL). I feel like this is almost the equivalent of him missing the birth of our child, the equivalent being if he couldn’t go to Korea with me for some reason. With the military, these types of things are always possibilities. There are many guys in Iraq and Afghanistan missing the births of their first children and even the first years of their children’s lives. We will just have to figure out how we can make it special for us in a different way.

I am off to dinner with my dad - he is in town for business. He is bringing his co-worker who adopted from China so that should make for some great conversation. Tomorrow I am taking part in a yard sale fundraiser for Team in Training. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!


DeniFay said...

Glad you had a good visit and I understand that sometimes you wonder will you be able to jump into "mommy" mode, all of a sudden. I know you will be amazing! Hubby and I talked adoption again tonight, he really wants to go domestic, I really want to go international. Looks like we'll adopt twice eventually! :)

Praying for a referral and for an appointment for John!!! Have fun in Hawaii, keep up your training (send me some of your motivation!!!), and thanks for doing that for TNT (I think I've said it's close to my heart!).

Sending love!!

Flakymn said...

Becky, I think you nailed it right on. There will be things to learn about being a mom, but you will slip into it without even realizing it.

You have a tenderness and softness with children that is wonderful to see. My boys loved you. Thank you for that time together.

Is there any chance we left MADAR there? (He's the brown pick-up truck?) He's a special one we can't find anywhere. Either way, your son (or daughter) will love them.

Also, wondering if you have skype? Would love to chat. But also thinking that you could use skype so that if John is in Miami or somewhere else when referral comes, you could still open it at the same time?

Just a thought.

(Excited about Turkey possibilities toO!)

Lisa said...

I am so glad that you had a good visit with your friend and I KNOW that you will be an awesome mommy! Good for you for making a conscious decision to spend more time around children and moms, I know that can't be an easy choice or an easy thing to follow through with. I will be praying for you as you follow through with that decision.

Thanks again for all of your prayers Becky!

Stacey said...

I am so happy to hear you had a great visit with your friend. I have no doubt that you will be a great mommy when the time comes and you'll learn along the way just like every new mom! I understood your words -- after waiting so long for a child and separating myself from the rest of the world for a while, I began to wonder if I would even know what to do as a parent. So many of our friends' children are school-aged now while we are just beginning, but we will learn and do the very best that we can.

Thank you for your sweet words and for your constant prayers and support. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers! I always hope for continued healing, peace, and comfort for you. It does my heart good to imagine the day when I can celebrate with you! Hopefully that day will be here soon!