Trip to Florida

Sorry for my blogging absence. I was hoping to have a few posts finished that I could schedule to post while I was gone, but the week leading up to my trip to Florida was pretty busy. I am trying to be a little more cautious regarding posting information about times when we will be gone. That may be silly or unnecessary, but it doesn't seem wise to me to announce to the world that I will be gone for a week, considering this blog is not anonymous. Anyway, I spent last week in Florida!!! It was a wonderful trip and I had such a great time. I went down to Eglin AFB which is located on the panhandle of Florida near Destin, an area I affectionately call "southern Alabama" because in truth it is more like Alabama than Florida. This is where we lived prior to moving to DC and we still have many friends in the area. In many ways, being there felt like going home. I love the warmth of the people there.

On my first night there, we had dinner at the Back Porch so we could watch the sunset.

I will never get sick of the beautiful white sandy beaches in Destin or the sunsets.

On Sunday, we got to attend our previous church and then have lunch afterward with some friends from our old small group.

At lunch, we received our first gift for Joshua! This beautiful quilt, done in a pattern called "Take Five" was made by our friends:

Later that evening we got to have dinner at their house and hear all about Tim's trip to the Congo.

On Monday, I got to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with Joia. She gave us this super cute outfit for Joshua. It says "Daddy's #1 Draft Pick." I love that it is the same style pullover that John likes to wear.

Later that evening, John and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary a few weeks early at Fleming's Steakhouse - so good!

 

The rest of the week involved dinners with friends, Wednesday night dinner at church, and attending the ladies Bible study I use to go to. 

At the ladies Bible study, they are doing a Beth Moore study on Psalms and the discussion ended up being on Psalm 127. I have previously written about my thoughts on that Psalm here and here. It was kind of a difficult discussion for me because Beth Moore makes the point that you can "mother" other children in your life even if you don't have children. Frankly, that whole idea just does not ring true to me and I find the words hollow and of no comfort whatsoever. The whole thing about being a spiritual mother is probably a whole post in itself, but how can anyone really compare the experience of parenting children and ACTUALLY being a mom to some vague notion of "mothering" other children (like in Sunday school class for example). Sorry, they don't even compare. There ended up being somebody who was dealing with secondary infertility in my discussion group and so I am glad I was there because I think it would have been even more difficult for her if there had not been someone else there who understood what she is experiencing.

The day after the discussion, I was actually feeling pretty down, so much so that I chickened out on going to see my friend Joia at the Cash in the Nursery sale. It just felt like it might be too much. I think I might need to get over my fear of the baby section at Target before taking on such an large scale event.

And last, but certainly not least, I got to meet Lisa of While I'm Waiting! We met at Beef 'O' Brady's and I think we must have talked for almost four hours. It was so wonderful to meet her and have a chance to get to know each other better. She has such a beautiful heart and such amazing faith in the Lord. I feel so blessed that through blogging, I would have a chance to come to know her as a friend. I was so excited to meet her though that I think I talked way too much : )

 

I was definitely sad to leave Florida again and say good-bye once again to our friends there. Good-byes are so hard. I was happy to say hello to our pup when I got back though - I missed her a lot!

Psalm 127 - Part 2

If you are familiar with Psalm 127, you may know what comes after the verse I quoted in my previous post.

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127: 3-5

These verses have troubled me throughout my struggle with infertility. I could never wrap my head around them. I have thought about them a great deal, especially recently. I asked the Lord to please give me insight into them and help me to understand.

"...children a reward from Him" I have struggled most with this part. Children are a reward it says. So am I being punished? If I had led a better life, been more righteous, more deserving would I have children? I have been taught that you must interpret scripture with scripture. Do any of us "deserve" children? No. God's word is clear: "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 and the "wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. Elsewhere it says, "all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" Isaiah 64:6 and "God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. Everyone has turned away, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one." Psalm 53:3. There is no one worthy, no one who is righteous on their own, no one who "deserves" anything other than death from God. If it was up to us to be worthy of having children, no one would have any. Our righteousness is from Christ. In Him, I am found "not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes through God and is by faith" Phil 3:9 So I can't earn God's reward, favor, or blessing. It is God's grace. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights" James 1:17. The Lord causes "his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous" Matthew 5:45. We don't do anything to deserve it or not deserve it. The account of Zechariah and Elizabeth even more clearly speaks to this. It says, "Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years" Luke 1:6-7. They were "blameless" and yet they were not rewarded, experiencing years of barrenness. But as many of you know that is not the end of their story. In time, Elizabeth did become pregnant and gave birth to the forerunner of our Messiah. They were direct participants in a miracle, in their own personal lives and in God's plan for the world. As I thought about this, it finally hit me. It is about timing. God's perfect timing. Right now I wonder why I am not receiving this "reward," gift, blessing, whatever you want to call it. I wonder if I am being punished, and believe me, I have done much to warrant that punishment. But when I look at the whole story, I don't question why Elizabeth was barren or think she was less rewarded or blessed. In fact, I think she was incredibly blessed by her years of waiting. God knit together a miracle in her womb - John the Baptist - who prepared the way for Jesus as he went throughout the land preaching repentance. As I look at other accounts of infertility in the Bible, do I think Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, or Hannah were less blessed, less rewarded. No I do not. Each of them experienced years of barrenness and each of them saw God perform a miracle in their lives. They knew it was God, everyone else knew it was God, and He received all the glory. But it happened in God's way and timing. Perhaps they too questioned why God was withholding this blessing from their lives. But in time, God's perfect plan was revealed and they witnessed God doing a mighty work in their lives. They received their heritage from the Lord.

We can only do as Hannah did, "I was pouring out my soul to the LORD" 1 Sam 1:15 and continue to pour our hearts out to God, depending on Him to build our houses and give us the gift of children.

Psalm 127 - Part 1

You may have noticed the new verse at the top right of my blog. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain." I have always loved this verse and have wanted to get it on a plaque to place in our home. It represents my belief that the Lord is the only One who can build our house. I believe He placed John and I together in marriage and I believe it is up to Him to add to our family. It is very easy for me to fall into sin and try to depend upon myself rather than the Lord. Infertility has shown me my need to depend on the Lord, for strength to face the trial of infertility and to bring a child into our family. Time has not made this trial any easier. But it has grown me in compassion, love, humility, and trust in the Lord. Daily, I find myself taking my desire to the LORD, surrendering it to Him anew, and asking Him to fulfill it. Every pregnancy announcement, every pregnant belly, every child I see that brings this pain back to my heart and mind is an opportunity to once again take it to the Lord. He is the only one who can do anything about it. He is the creator of all life. He alone knows the child(ren) He has chosen for John and I to parent. Of course, the question most of us can barely stand to even think comes up - what if God doesn't plan for us to have a child and intends for us to live child-free? This has been a great fear of mine since the beginning of this journey. I can't pretend to know God's plans and thoughts on this, but I personally believe child-free living is not God's will for most of us. I believe if God calls us to such a life it is for a specific purpose and He will give us the peace and even joy to live it. Why don't I think it is God's will for most of us? Because of His Word. This is all I have to go on. There are many instances of infertility in the Bible and in every one of them in His perfect timing and way, God brought a child. In each of these cases it was through pregnancy, but I believe God also answers our prayers through adoption. Throughout the Bible, God's heart for the fatherless is clear (Deut 10:18, Psalm 68:5, and Psalm 82:3 just to name a few places). In verse 6 of Psalm 68, it says the Lord sets the lonely in families. Psalm 113:9 says the Lord "settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children." I have always been hesitant to believe and trust that the Lord will bless us with children, but the other day (September 9 I think) I made a conscious decision. I was walking through the parking garage on my way into work crying out to God, asking for His grace for the day, and once again bringing my desire for children to Him, and I decided then and there that I was going to believe God is who He says He is. His word says He has a heart for the fatherless and commands us to have one as well, it says He settles the lonely in families, and it says He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. This is who God says He is and I choose to believe Him.