Still Here!

Wow, how did I let over a month go by without posting anything. I have wanted to sit down and write many times, but haven't been able to due to busyness, fatigue, or simply lack of motivation, which is frustrating to me because I actually have a lot I want to write about. Not to mention I am way behind on posting pictures. :-)

If you think of it, could you please pray for me about this. I have many posts written in my head about our struggles after Joshua came home, more about our adoption transition, and where we are now. Yet I can't seem to write about it.

A number of factors have contributed to the lack of posting. March, April, and May were particularly busy months with lots of good things happening between visitors, birthday celebration, and our adoption finalization. But in addition, starting in May, I went through what has been to date my most difficult parenting time. We have definitely had more difficult times that were adoption related, but this was more typical parenting struggles.

It started with Joshua's 2 year molars beginning to make an appearance. Teething overall has been really hard on him (and me).

Then separation anxiety hit big time. He would cry even harder than he cried the first night home with us when he was grieving for his foster family. This completely shocked me and freaked me out. I started researching adoption and separation anxiety and found an article online about it. What was interesting to me was that in the article, separation anxiety started at exactly the same amount of time home as Joshua, 8 months. I couldn't even leave Joshua with John without a complete meltdown. I had been attending a women's Bible study in my neighborhood where we would let the little ones play in the next room or sometimes a teenage girl would watch them in the upstairs room while we held our study. However, once the separation anxiety hit Joshua would not leave me during the study at all. Once he flipped out so much when I tried to get him to go upstairs that I ended up having to leave because he was inconsolable. It was really hard because I don't leave Joshua at all and so I only get a break when John is able to give me one. I was so upset the day I had to leave Bible study that I called our social worker for advice. I needed advice from an adoption perspective, not completely unhelpful comments about "how he won that one." Our social worker advised that because of his history we should cater to the separation anxiety more than we might if we were parenting a child from birth. She advised that I only leave Joshua with John or places where he was comfortable. She wasn't sure about whether church nursery would be okay or not and suggested I might need to stay in there with him. He had been going to church nursery for 4 months at this point without a problem, so I decided to keep trying. He has lots of friends in the 2 year old classroom and the same lady (also an adoptive mom) works in the nursery every Sunday. Since I never leave Joshua with anyone else, I decided I had to hold firm in 2 areas: leaving him with daddy and once a week at church nursery. I believe John and I need that time together each week. And I also believe Joshua needs to see that I leave and come back. From what I read it said to make a quick good-bye, but to always make sure you say good-bye and not sneak out; tell them mommy will come back; and to leave something with them. I started leaving Joshua a picture of me whenever I went somewhere and left him with John, which John said really helped. Gradually, as we kept to this routine and held firm in the 2 areas, the separation anxiety has lessened. The last 2 weeks at church we have had zero tears when we dropped him off at church nursery!  Now maybe a date night can be in our future. :-)

At the same time as the separation anxiety, Joshua began having major sleep disturbances and I had no idea why. This is what makes me say it was one of my most difficult parenting times so far. It was the not knowing what's what, what is him being 2, what's teething, what's separation anxiety, and why was he suddenly not sleeping well. And most of all what should I do about it all. At first I wasn't sure if a bed or nap time needed to be adjusted because he was waking up really early in the morning. He often does this when he is teething, but then he would compensate by taking a really long nap. Only this time, his naps too were getting shorter and shorter. Then he started having nightmares where he was crying in his sleep for a good part of the night. I read that some children can have separation anxiety disorder which affects their sleep and wondered if maybe this was the issue. Then the night terrors started. I actually made the sleep issue my prayer request at community group. Our group leader ended up getting my prayer request and asked us about it the next Sunday at church so I told him more of what was going on. I believe that solving this puzzle was a direct answer to prayer. Joshua is suspected of having asthma due to the breathing issues and wheezing that happens every time he gets sick. Allergy issues often go hand in hand with asthma and because most people have really bad allergies in Tucson, our PCP put Joshua on 2 types of allergy medications. That week it finally occurred to me that one of these medications could be causing his sleep disturbances and nightmares. So I googled the second medication he was put on, figuring it must be the culprit since it was the most recent addition. I end up finding tons of scary stuff about this medicine and sleep problems so we decide to take him off of it. Only the problem continued even after that medication would have cleared out of his system. We wonder if maybe it was the other medication and so I google it and sleep, and once again found lots of scary stuff. John suggests we try to give it to him at nap time and 45 minutes into his nap Joshua has a night terror. Right then and there we decide to take him off that medication (hint: it starts with a "Z). Wouldn't you know it, Joshua goes right back to sleeping through the night, no more crying half the night in his sleep, no more early wake ups, and no naps. It actually makes me very angry. Doctors throw these very powerful medications out with little to no warnings about their potential serious side effects. I found this blog post, which exactly mirrors our experience.

Anyway, that was our saga. It completely exhausted me. That and the over 100 degree temps EVERY SINGLE DAY - I do not love you Tucson. It has me in a bit of a summer funk. You can't even go outside except in the very very early morning (as in before Joshua is even awake) or in the evenings. I have realized that being stuck inside is not good for my mental health and I need to get more proactive about finding some indoor activities for Joshua and I during the week.

Another part of the funk is the wait for Jonah is starting to get to me. The constant search for information on forums and adoption groups has once again seized a hold of me. He turns one on Sunday.

On a more positive note, it was 10 months ago today that we arrived back in Tucson to begin our lives together as a family of three. It is hard to believe we will celebrate our first Family Day in 2 months. The first 7 months or so didn't fly by, but man oh man how these last few months have flown. I seriously can not believe it is already July.

My First Mother's Day

My day started out with Joshua and John bringing me breakfast in bed. The memory of Joshua carrying the plate in with his sweet smile will be one I never forget. Truth be told, I didn't actually eat breakfast in bed, but I certainly enjoyed having it brought to me.

And for the first time in a number of years I went to church on Mother's Day. Our church held a parenting presentation (their version of a baby dedication) and so we took part to commit ourselves to raising Joshua to know and love the Lord with all his heart, mind, body, and soul. I jokingly said this was the Lord's way of finally getting me to church on Mother's Day. :-)  Though I have every reason to celebrate this day, and I absolutely celebrate it, my heart is still very much with those who are hurting on Mother's Day. All morning long I couldn't help but think of how painful that service would have been for anyone dealing with infertility. I also think of those mothers who have lost their children, those who are estranged from their children, and those children who have lost their mothers, so many people are hurting on this day.

Almost all the other children being presented were babies, keeping a 2 year old still/entertained is a little more challenging. Fist bumps helped at one point. :-)

I don't remember what Joshua did just before this, but it was obviously funny/embarrassing.

My favorite one, us joined together in prayer as our Pastor prayed. Prayer is very important to me, so I love seeing that Joshua already has an interest in praying. He insists that we hold hands to pray at dinner time. Joshua does not say many words, but when we say "amen" he will often echo us with "men" - it is so cute.

After church, John made lunch and then I took a nap during Joshua's nap time. The rest of the day we just relaxed, talked to our families, and then John made dinner.

When we were in Korea, we bought a Celadon vase for occasions like Mother's Day when we want to remember and honor Joshua's birth mom. John bought two bouquets of flowers, one for me and one for his birth mom. I plan to take a picture of Joshua every year with the vase.These pictures were taken on my new iPhone, my Mother's Day present - I love it!!!

It is still hard to believe that I am actually a part of Mother's Day now. I feel so very blessed to be your mom Joshua JoonSeo.

A Bit About Joshua

We are slowly getting into a routine. Joshua is almost over his cold and is now fairly well adjusted to the time change. However, things have become a bit more difficult this past week, though today has been much better. I don't know whether it is all the change he has been through which is causing him to be more irritable and fussy (which would be completely understandable) or if it is something else. He is cutting his molars so I definitely think that has been a major factor. I also read in Toddler Adoption that it is not uncommon for a toddler to go into a state of disequilibrium where they become more fussy as they are about to learn a new developmental task. Joshua is definitely standing and cruising more every day so that is a possibility. One of the challenges of parenting after adoption is that you are often wondering if something is adoption related or if it him being a toddler. "Is it adoption or is it life" is one of the questions I am certain I will be asking myself a lot in the years to come. He is also definitely showing more willful toddler-like behaviors and I am struggling with how best to handle them so early on in our relationship. That being said, I am still so in love with my little guy and am enjoying getting to know him more every day. Sometimes I look down at him or look around at all the toys strewn about my family room and still can't believe it's real, that I really get to be his mom.

So here are some of the things I have learned about my boy (probably of more interest to the grandparents and aunts and uncles so feel free to skip):

• He really seems to like his name and so I still call him JoonSeo, he smiles and laughs every time I show him his pictures and say his name or when I show him himself in a mirror
• He loves looking in the mirror or pretty much any mirrored surface; we have a Baby Einstein mirror book and he will lean in toward the mirror until his face is all the way against it
• The first book I read him was called In My Den, it is a board book with a hole in every page and a little finger puppet bear that I move around as I read the story - he thinks its hysterical and laughs and smiles the whole time
• He loves the recordable book we sent him and will ask me to "read" it every time he sees it, he especially likes the part in front where I speak really bad Korean saying hello and I love you, it also has our picture on that page; he wants me to read it over and over again; this was one of the times where we saw some of the toddler-like behavior - he started fussing and screaming at me when he wanted me to read the story again
• He ended up loving several of the items we sent him in the care packages - the recordable book, photo album, little fire truck, vtech nursery rhyme book, and the blanket - his foster mom gave all of them to us, plus the PJs we sent; I think it has really helped to have some transition items
•  He loves all toys that light up and make sounds or music; he remembers exactly where the buttons to push are on each toy and he will shake his body to the music
• He loves to bat balls, cars, blocks, or pretty much anything across the floor and then chase after it
• He loves to clap his hands together, do "manseh" (like hooray) and raise his arms up, and shake his head (dori, dori, dori game kids play in Korea)
• He definitely has a mind of his own; if he wants me to play dori, dori, dori and I am not doing it, he will smash his hands on the side of my face and push it to move my head from side to side
• He LOVES his bottle; after he is done drinking some he will take it out of his mouth and say "ahhh" with the most satisfied look on his face; his face literally lights up when he sees his bottle; if he has his pacifier in when he sees his bottle he will pluck it out of his mouth lightening fast and throw it on the floor to get ready for his bottle
• As soon as he is done with the bottle, he will throw it on the ground (we are working on this as he is now letting me hold the end of his bottle while I am feeding him!)
• If he sees me eating something he will crawl over to the coffee table and then stand up right by me for me to give him some
• At first it didn't seem as though he would drink milk as well as he would drink formula, but John discovered that if we warmed the milk to room temperature he drinks it right up; since he was on 4 formula bottles a day (8 packets), we quickly ran out of what they gave us in Korea; we are trying to transition to milk since there is no reason for a child his age to be on formula and in fact it can be damaging since it is not possible for him to get all his nutritional needs at this age from formula alone, plus he seems just as satisfied comfort wise with milk
• He loves fruit of any kind and he also loves any kind of snack cracker, especially shrimp chips and his other Korean snacks, though he also likes puffs and baby mum-mums
• As far as regular food, we are having the most success with rice mixed with cooked vegetables (cut up very small or mushed up like squash) and then I cut up Trader Joe's seaweed snacks and add it in for flavor; the other key is to add some water when I heat it up so that it is a little soupy
• He has also eaten potatoes with a little meat and broccoli mixed together, rice and beans, and Mexican stuffed shells (mostly pasta with a little bit of the sauce)
• He fights sleep like crazy and will flail his arms and legs, clap his hands, shake his head, move a blanket back and forth between his legs, and do pretty much anything else he can to keep himself awake; at first I was able to rock him to sleep, but lately I can only get him to sleep by putting him in the carrier and walking around or dancing side to side; once he is asleep we put him in his crib and he will nap or sleep just fine, though he periodically stirs and whimpers; at night either John or I will sleep on an air mattress in his room; we will do this until we know he is comfortable and won't wake up scared and not knowing where he is
• He loves "ah boo bah" which means on the back and will come up behind me when I am sitting on the floor and bang on my back; often he does this when he is tired and ready for a nap; technically he is not ah boo bah since I mostly wear him on the front, but we have taken to calling the carrier ah boo bah irregardless
• He loves water whether in the little kiddy pool or the bath; he will splash and play as long as I let him
• One night after his bath I held him on the counter and put him up to the mirror; he found his toothbrush by the sink and decided he wanted to "brush" his teeth; now after every bath he can't wait for me to put him up on the counter and let him look in the mirror and brush his teeth; so much so that he started having a fit while I was trying to put on his diaper after his bath; I didn't know what to think at first, I wondered if he was grieving, but then as soon as I was done with the diaper and picked him up towards the mirror, he was all smiles (this would be some of the toddler behavior I mentioned)
• We are trying to teach him a few signs so that he can communicate with us and hopefully that will help avoid the yelling and screaming that is his current mode of communication :-) - I really am compassionate about this, just think how frustrating it would be if you were taken half way across the world by two strangers who spoke to you in a completely unfamiliar language and what little ability you had to communicate in your familiar language was now useless
• When he is seated, he spins around doing 360 degree turns
• He loves to dance to music
• He loves to smile, laugh, and play; he is also very curious about everything and most definitely has a mind of his own

Well, I am sure there is more, but that is what I can think of right now. I love him so much!

Our Attempt at Registering

Registering didn't go so well yesterday. I pretty much had a breakdown in the bottle aisle at Target trying to decide which items to register for. I know this isn't a make or break decision. But my perfectionism sure got the best of me yesterday. I felt like I should know what type of bottle, sippy cup, and feeding utensils to select and that somehow not knowing meant I was a failure as a mother.

Target is also frustrating because they have so little inventory on their shelves. They have a ton of cribs online, but only a few in the store and absolutely no chairs to try out.

It wasn't all bad though. The best part was seeing John get so excited in the toy aisles.

After Target, we went to Babies 'r' us and it didn't get much better. I really wanted this to be a fun experience for us, but I felt like a total fraud. I couldn't decide on much of anything. I haven't been able to choose a crib or a rocker. I am so afraid of choosing wrongly. I kept thinking that people would look at our registry and think we are idiots - "some adoption agency decided they were fit to be parents?!?!"

By the end of the day I was in tears. I wish I could just select what I like and not worry about it.

Thankfully, I can add and delete things online without having to set foot in the store again.

Of course, that means I also have to actually make a decision! LOL

And no, we didn't select either of these items. Baby steps....tomorrow is another day.

A Few Bright Spots

Thanks for the prayers and encouraging words after my last post. It feels good to know that what I am feeling is normal. I am feeling a little better, helped along by the following:

1. My flight is booked - I am going to visit my friend Wendi in Turkey! (don't freak out mom)
2. A date has been set for my second shower - April 23rd in central Florida (it is too difficult and expensive for all of my family to come to me in MD, so I am going to them)
3. A date has been set for my third (and final) shower - April 30th, hosted by my friends in MD
4. My last day of work is Friday!!!

Having all of this to look forward to is definitely helping.

I realized that what I have been feeling is more than missing Joshua and frustration about the lack of updates/information. It is also apprehension about leaving work and moving. So much change is coming up. And it is also about feeling overwhelmed about the prospect of finally becoming a mother. It is hard for me to even write that, but it is true. I have waited so long for my dream of becoming a mom to come about and now that it is finally almost here, I am scared to death. I feel totally inadequate and unprepared. I am bothered by how much I don't know, about being a mom, and about the little boy I will become a mom to.

Last Saturday, we hit the 5 month mark on our wait.

6 more months to go! (roughly)

In 6 months, I am going to feel more ready. Right????