My First Mother's Day

My day started out with Joshua and John bringing me breakfast in bed. The memory of Joshua carrying the plate in with his sweet smile will be one I never forget. Truth be told, I didn't actually eat breakfast in bed, but I certainly enjoyed having it brought to me.

And for the first time in a number of years I went to church on Mother's Day. Our church held a parenting presentation (their version of a baby dedication) and so we took part to commit ourselves to raising Joshua to know and love the Lord with all his heart, mind, body, and soul. I jokingly said this was the Lord's way of finally getting me to church on Mother's Day. :-)  Though I have every reason to celebrate this day, and I absolutely celebrate it, my heart is still very much with those who are hurting on Mother's Day. All morning long I couldn't help but think of how painful that service would have been for anyone dealing with infertility. I also think of those mothers who have lost their children, those who are estranged from their children, and those children who have lost their mothers, so many people are hurting on this day.

Almost all the other children being presented were babies, keeping a 2 year old still/entertained is a little more challenging. Fist bumps helped at one point. :-)

I don't remember what Joshua did just before this, but it was obviously funny/embarrassing.

My favorite one, us joined together in prayer as our Pastor prayed. Prayer is very important to me, so I love seeing that Joshua already has an interest in praying. He insists that we hold hands to pray at dinner time. Joshua does not say many words, but when we say "amen" he will often echo us with "men" - it is so cute.

After church, John made lunch and then I took a nap during Joshua's nap time. The rest of the day we just relaxed, talked to our families, and then John made dinner.

When we were in Korea, we bought a Celadon vase for occasions like Mother's Day when we want to remember and honor Joshua's birth mom. John bought two bouquets of flowers, one for me and one for his birth mom. I plan to take a picture of Joshua every year with the vase.These pictures were taken on my new iPhone, my Mother's Day present - I love it!!!

It is still hard to believe that I am actually a part of Mother's Day now. I feel so very blessed to be your mom Joshua JoonSeo.

A Morning Date

This morning John and I had a short date, our first with a babysitter for Joshua. In January, when my mom was here we sneaked out for a dinner date after Joshua was in bed. It was wonderful! But we haven't felt ready to try a babysitter.

For the first 4 months home we didn't leave Joshua at all. At 4 months home when we switched churches, we decided to give church nursery a try. I know some people would be of the opinion that this is a little early to leave your child and others have probably already left their child in someone else's care by this point. Obviously, every child is different and everyone has different circumstances. Some people have to return to work. Others, like us, live in a place where they have no family and few friends. Our new church meets in a high school, so it really doesn't have a true cry room, just a space in the back of the auditorium which really only works for little babies. The choice was either continue to miss church as I had been doing to stay with Joshua or give it a try. Spiritually, I felt like I was in desperate need of this time to worship the Lord with my husband. Our church has a number of other adoptive moms and after asking their opinions we decided to go for it. My gut told me Joshua was ready for it, but I was so nervous. In the end, Joshua didn't cry at all. The same can't be said for me. I think he was a little anxious, but no more than any other child his age going to the nursery. The other thing I really watched for was any disturbances in his sleep. I knew if there was an issue it would come out in his sleep, either by lots of wake-ups with crying as it was in the beginning or a night terror. Thankfully, neither occurred. We were also invited to join a small group. One of the coolest things about this group is that every family in the group except one has adopted a child or is in the process of adopting. There are actually two other families with kids from Korea in the group! We meet on Sunday evenings and young lady named Imani from our church watches the kids in the family room while the adults have our study in the front room. It couldn't be a more perfect situation for our family. We are so grateful for the Lord's provision in this because we were so desperate for fellowship with other believers. We are finally feeling connected here in Tucson.

Imani has been watching Joshua on Sunday evenings for almost 3 months now and he has gotten quite comfortable with her. We have had a number of people offer to babysit for us when we were ready, but it was really hard for me to take anyone up on their offer. I just wasn't ready to take the plunge. Finally, last Sunday we ran into Imani after church service. This never has never happened before and it was as if the Lord orchestrated it. I felt His gentle nudge and knew it was time to ask her. She came over this morning and John and I went out for just over 2 hours. This way we would be home in time to put Joshua down for his nap. We went for bagels and coffee which we took to a nearby National Park. We climbed up on some rocks overlooking the park and just ate and talked. Then we went for a drive and stopped by a farmer's market. It was truly wonderful.

It got me thinking though. Sometimes I hear people say to couples dealing with infertility that you just have to enjoy the extra time you have together as a couple, and that is true to a certain extent. But something about that statement has never fully sat well with me. This morning I realized why. It is hard to enjoy that time when there is a huge gaping wound in your heart. That hole is ever present. For us, it was there for such a long time that it is hard to remember a time when it wasn't there. But this morning I got to feel what it feels like to go out with your husband and not have that hole present. And it was glorious.

The Lord has healed my heart and made me a joyful mother (Psalm 113:9). Thank you Lord!

Catching Up

This past month has been a busy one. I think my coping mechanism as of late has been trying to keep busy, hence my lack of blogging. Plus, I was just not feeling motivated to write anything. I think it was in large part due to my job which involves a lot of writing for journal manuscripts and research study protocols. Almost all my time is spent at my desk on the computer. And so sometimes the last thing I want to do when I get home is get on the computer. Often I will manage to check out the blogs I follow, but I am just unable to muster the strength to write anything or even to comment. This has been especially true this past couple of months because I didn't have our laptop which at least allows me to sit on the couch rather than at the desk on our home computer. The reason I didn't have the laptop was because it was with John in Florida. I didn't want to mention this on the blog for safety reasons, but John was in Florida for clinical training for his school program for 10 weeks. He left September 11th and didn't finish until just before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, I am thrilled to finally have him home! The trip to Florida I took in October was to visit him at the halfway point. The fact that John was gone definitely added to the stress of preparing our referral paperwork. However, I was so grateful that we got the referral call before he left. It was also the Lord's blessing that John went to Eglin AFB in Florida where we were previously stationed and so I was able to ship all the paperwork for John to sign to my friend Joia's house (Thanks again Joia!).

Here is some of what I have been up to (I want to write this to remember what I have done during this waiting time):

1. Ran the Army 10-miler at the end of October (my 4th time). I love this race!

2. Celebrated our 7 year anniversary (we actually celebrated together when I was in Florida since we couldn't be together on our actual anniversary). I love John more every year and I truly think he is the greatest blessing I have received after my relationship with Jesus.

3. Met up with Grace, Jen, Kala and Matthew, and Sandra and Ben. So much fun - good food and great conversation. It was such an encouragement to be with others who understand and to ask Kala and Sandra questions about what to expect (they have both brought home their sons fairly recently).

4. Hiked the infamous Billy Goat Trail near Great Falls with my friends Sarah, Cindy, and Stephanie. I snagged these pictures off the internet because I didn't have my camera that day, probably a good thing considering all the rocks and boulders to scramble over. This was probably one of the best hikes
I have been on, well worth the sore behind in the days that followed.

 

5. Saw the movie "For Colored Girls" on the Veteran's Day holiday with a friend from work. I can't say I would recommend this movie, it was probably one of the most disturbing movies I have ever seen in my life.

6. Hosted a fall dinner for friends of pork, sauteed apples, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie.

7. Shopped for a care package for Joshua (more on this later)

8. Had a fabulous birthday weekend - I turned 36 :-(  It began Thursday evening at my weekly NK prayer group where my friend Kate made my friend Stephanie and I (her birthday is the day after mine) Miyuk Gook (미역국), Seaweed Soup, also known as Birthday soup. It is traditionally eaten every year on your birthday. Then on Friday my boss took me out to lunch at my favorite restaurant Mrs. K's Toll House and later that evening I met up with Grace and Jen for dinner (not for my birthday, just to support each other). On Saturday I went to my church's annual craft show and found lots of good stuff including a knit hat for Joshua's care package. Saturday evening I went to an NK prayer meeting and got to hear the founder of North Korea Freedom Coalition give her testimony. On Sunday (my actual birthday) I went to brunch at Mrs. K's with my friends - yes, I went there twice in the same weekend :-)

9. Met John at my parent's house in Florida and spent Thanksgiving with my family. So many things to be thankful for this year, I actually started a post but never had the chance to finish it. One of the things that was most evident to me this past year was God's faithfulness:

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name. 

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100: 4-5

Above all, I am thankful for my Savior who redeemed my life from the pit (Job 33:28).

Secondly, I am thankful for my husband.

Third I am thankful for our son Joshua.I can't wait to be his mom.

10. Continued taking Korean language classes at the embassy and took part in a 6 week woman's Bible study called Apples of Gold. I have learned quite a bit of Korean, but I am not ready to go on to Beginner 2 next semester - I need way more practice. My last class is this Wednesday. We will be learning to make kimbap so I am looking forward to it. My Bible study was wonderful - it was great to be in the Word on a more regular basis again and have fellowship with other ladies.

11. Put up the Christmas tree and decorations this past weekend and just enjoyed having my hubby home again.

"Bringing into Captivity Every Thought"

We had an interesting weekend - not quite what I had expected. I think the missionaries who stayed with us may have been expecting an older couple. I could really see how hard it is for missionaries, especially having to depend on others for financial support and how hard they work. But I know that ultimately they are depending on God, and He is completely trustworthy. I sensed that the couple that stayed with us may have been sad or discouraged in some way, but there was never an opening to talk with them about it. I felt very burdened to pray for them though. Friday night we had a fabulous dinner with a small group and then got to hear about what God is doing in Jamaica. Saturday they were gone most of the day, so I studied my Perspectives homework and John worked on his schoolwork. Saturday night we went to a potluck dinner at church where we heard a speaker from The Navigators. I had always wanted to know who and what the Navigators are so I enjoyed learning about their organization. Sunday was church and then they had to leave. John and I were able to have a date night on Sunday - we went to see Hurt Locker (really good, but not sure if it was really Best Picture material) and then ate Ethiopian (one of my favorites!).

We use to attend the church we now go to (and were even married there) when we lived in Maryland a few years ago (prior to us moving to Florida). Now that we are back, we are beginning to connect with old friends and acquaintances at church. I was able to reconnect with one of them Saturday night. She was always one of the most loving and kind people, and such an encouragement to me when John and I were geographically separated during my last year in the army. I had been hoping to reconnect with her, but at the same time, I was wondering how I would feel. When I left for Florida, she had 4 beautiful little boys. She has since had another little boy and just recently a little girl. The thing was when she told me, I felt genuine joy for her. But later that night when we left, it was hard not to let my thoughts get away from me, wondering why the Lord gives one person six children, and He won't even give us one. I know that thoughts like these are wrong, not to mention completely unhelpful. They only sow the seeds of bitterness and discontent. I try to make a point of refusing these thoughts, casting them down, because they are not truth. If the Lord gives someone a hundred children it doesn't take away even one bit His ability to build our family. To be honest I don't understand why we have no children yet. But I do trust that the Lord has a plan for our family.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Cor 10:5 (KJV)

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Favorite Time of Year at Church

This past week we kicked off our mission's conference at church. It is absolutely my favorite week of church in the entire year. Last Sunday, they had the children bring all the flags of the nations where we have missionaries on stage. It brought tears to my eyes.

This weekend is certain to be a busy one. We have the pleasure of hosting a missionary couple in our home for the weekend. They are involved with medical missions to Jamaica so we are excited to meet them and talk with them about medical missions (something that is on mine and John's heart).

This is completely random, but I've been wanting to share it since I first learned about it in my Perspectives on the World Christian Movement class. It is called Global Rich List. Check it out! It really puts things in perspective, if you make $50,000 or more, you are in the top .98% richest people in the world! Wow!

Hope every one has a great weekend!