It's official. I just got the call from Dr. K - a BFN - not that it was a surprise. I think I am still processing it right now and of course the move is a major distraction. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm sure it will hit me more over these next few days and once we get settled into our new home. Speaking of which, I think we may have found a house. We put in an application today so we are just waiting to hear whether we are approved or not.
I think the main thing I am wrestling with right now are the "what ifs." What is we hadn't limited the number of eggs we allowed them to ICSI. Did we do the right thing? Did we give ourselves a fair shot? Of course, Dr. K says we shouldn't limit the number, but I don't think I would expect him to say anything else. I felt like he placed the entire "blame" as to why it didn't work on the fact that we limited the number even though we had more this cycle than last cycle when I actually got pregnant. I don't know what to think. One thing we are pretty sure about - this is more than likely the end of the road for us in terms of fertility treatment. None of our embryos made it to be frozen just like last cycle. From the get go, we felt that we wanted to try 2 cycles and of course commit to any frozen embryos we had. We don't have any frozen so we feel ready to stop. With shared risk, we still have a 3rd try, but we think we will cancel out of the program and get the 70% refund. Who knows maybe they will cancel us, considering that we only had 1 6-cell, grade 3 embryo to transfer. I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea of being "done" trying.
So what's next for us? We are still praying about it, but we do sense God leading us in a particular direction. I will get into more details later.
Showing posts with label IVF #2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF #2. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
House Hunting - Please Pray
I went to Walter Reed Army Medical Center today to get blood drawn. Now I just have to wait to get the official results.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for me yesterday. It ended up being a pretty good day. I think being honest about my feelings and posting them here really helped. I was able to have a good cry and then move on. In the morning, John and I tackled a couple projects around my cousin's house as a way of thanking her for letting us stay at her house. She is away on a business trip until Thursday. John fixed a toilet, shelf, and door and I planted a few flowers on her deck and got it cleaned up. After that we picked up lunch and headed to Sligo Creek Park for a picnic. We took our Bible and spent some time reading and praying about next steps. Then we went and explored a neighborhood where we saw a house we liked. After we got home we called our moms, lounged around, had dinner, and then I watched the Celebrity Apprentice finale.
Last Friday we started our house hunting. Let me just say it did not go well. I was so discouraged, almost to the point of despair (my hormones may have been partly to blame). I can not understand how people expect to rent some of the houses we saw in the condition they are in - some of them were just awful. We found one house we liked. It had every feature we had hoped for and it was in a good location, but it had one major problem. It stunk. And I mean really badly. Initially, we thought (I think we were basically feeling desperate at this point) that maybe they just needed to get the carpets cleaned so we went ahead and filled out the application for that house. But after we got home and talked about it, we decided that the carpet probably needed more than a cleaning to get the smell out. It was kind of like a really, really bad dog (urine) smell, but with something else as well. Let me just say I would not be surprised to hear that someone or something died in that house. So we decided to look at a slightly higher price range and see if that helps us find what we are looking for. Thankfully, we were able to call our real estate agent prior to her submitting the application on the smelly house and so I don't think we will even be out the application fee. At the higher price range we found a few houses we are interested in seeing and we are going to see them today. Please pray for God's provision of a house for us and for wisdom and guidance for John and I. We really need to be in a house by May 21st when John has to start school. Needing something that is available immediately certainly limits us, but nothing is impossible with God. Thank you for praying. I know God is faithful and has promised to meet all our needs.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19
Thank you to everyone who prayed for me yesterday. It ended up being a pretty good day. I think being honest about my feelings and posting them here really helped. I was able to have a good cry and then move on. In the morning, John and I tackled a couple projects around my cousin's house as a way of thanking her for letting us stay at her house. She is away on a business trip until Thursday. John fixed a toilet, shelf, and door and I planted a few flowers on her deck and got it cleaned up. After that we picked up lunch and headed to Sligo Creek Park for a picnic. We took our Bible and spent some time reading and praying about next steps. Then we went and explored a neighborhood where we saw a house we liked. After we got home we called our moms, lounged around, had dinner, and then I watched the Celebrity Apprentice finale.
Last Friday we started our house hunting. Let me just say it did not go well. I was so discouraged, almost to the point of despair (my hormones may have been partly to blame). I can not understand how people expect to rent some of the houses we saw in the condition they are in - some of them were just awful. We found one house we liked. It had every feature we had hoped for and it was in a good location, but it had one major problem. It stunk. And I mean really badly. Initially, we thought (I think we were basically feeling desperate at this point) that maybe they just needed to get the carpets cleaned so we went ahead and filled out the application for that house. But after we got home and talked about it, we decided that the carpet probably needed more than a cleaning to get the smell out. It was kind of like a really, really bad dog (urine) smell, but with something else as well. Let me just say I would not be surprised to hear that someone or something died in that house. So we decided to look at a slightly higher price range and see if that helps us find what we are looking for. Thankfully, we were able to call our real estate agent prior to her submitting the application on the smelly house and so I don't think we will even be out the application fee. At the higher price range we found a few houses we are interested in seeing and we are going to see them today. Please pray for God's provision of a house for us and for wisdom and guidance for John and I. We really need to be in a house by May 21st when John has to start school. Needing something that is available immediately certainly limits us, but nothing is impossible with God. Thank you for praying. I know God is faithful and has promised to meet all our needs.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19
Friday, May 8, 2009
BFN - So Sad
We made it to DC at about 7 last night after sitting in absolutely horrendous (even by DC standards) traffic for about 3 hours. All it takes is a little rain in DC and people go nuts. After unloading the cars, John went out to the store to pick up dinner and a pregnancy test. He got pack that had 3 for the price of 2 - he knows me too well. Anyway, I took one last night and one this morning - both negative. We are just so sad. I am 11 days post 3 day transfer so if it was going to be positive it would more than likely show up by now. I will keep taking my meds until I get the official results on Monday, but I am not anticipating that the results will be any different.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Quick Update
We are all packed up and we are officially out of our house as of yesterday. We have actually been staying at the base's temporary lodging facility (it's like a hotel) since last Wednesday, but we passed our inspection and handed over the keys yesterday. We have been keeping busy having lots of lunches and dinners with friends. I really can't believe we are leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I am saying this, given how I felt about this place when we first moved here, but I am just so sad to be leaving. I was in tears pretty much the entire church service on Sunday. We have met so many wonderful friends here, especially over this last year. I would list them all, but I only have a little bit of time on the computer. I think you all know who you are anyways. Saying good-bye is just so hard. I know it is only good-bye for now and we will see each other again soon. I love you all so much.
I must say moving makes the 2ww pass very quickly. I could probably take a HPT tomorrow and have it show up if it was positive. But on the wise advice of my husband, I have agreed to wait until we reach DC and test on Friday morning. My RE has arranged for me to take my official test at the Walter Reed IVF program (military's program) on Monday. I am going being letting everyone know the outcome, even close friends and family, here on the blog. I just think phone calls will be too difficult for me at first. I know that there may be people wondering what the right thing is to say. Just be positive, that's all I ask. I would be very hurt by "well we'll just have to wait and see" type responses. And most of all just pray for us.
I must say moving makes the 2ww pass very quickly. I could probably take a HPT tomorrow and have it show up if it was positive. But on the wise advice of my husband, I have agreed to wait until we reach DC and test on Friday morning. My RE has arranged for me to take my official test at the Walter Reed IVF program (military's program) on Monday. I am going being letting everyone know the outcome, even close friends and family, here on the blog. I just think phone calls will be too difficult for me at first. I know that there may be people wondering what the right thing is to say. Just be positive, that's all I ask. I would be very hurt by "well we'll just have to wait and see" type responses. And most of all just pray for us.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Packing up Tomorrow!
The movers come tomorrow and Thursday to pack our stuff for the move to DC. Tonight we have to pack our clothes and other stuff that is going with us in the car.
Technically, I am supposed to be on bed rest until Thursday afternoon. I have observed a 24 hour period of bed rest and I am going to try to take it as easy as possible over the next few days, but there really isn't anything I can do to stay on a strict bed rest. With retrieval not happening until last Friday, we really got behind on our packing schedule. I have to pack my clothes and the stuff that I will need immediately. Obviously, John will load the cars so I won't be lifting anything. I have heard that there really is no difference in pregnancy rates between those who are put on bed rest and those who aren't. Still, if there is anyone who has been through this and did not have bed rest (and especially if you got pregnant), I would love it if you would leave me a reassuring comment.
I believe our Internet connection is being shut off after today, so I may not be posting or commenting on your blogs as much. John has a laptop, but it is not entirely set up yet. I am hoping he will get it up and running soon.
Also, I wanted to clear up something about the egg freezing I mentioned in a couple of my previous posts in case it came out wrong. I had said that they were experimenting with this new procedure to hopefully help cancer patients and those with religious/moral objections to freezing embryos. John and I chose to limit the number of embryos, not because we are against freezing, but because we were afraid of ending up in a situation where we had more embryos than we could ever use ourselves. Even though we know that a 100% success rate is highly unlikely, we wanted to assume 100% and know we would be willing to commit to giving everyone of them a chance at life. Having the miscarriage, very much lessened what I feel I could endure in terms of further cycles. I have several friends in the blogosphere and in real life with frozen embryos and I didn't want any of you to think that I thought it was wrong or was passing judgment on you in any way. The egg freezing appealed to me for a couple of different reasons. First, even though we did shared risk and have a 3rd egg retrieval if we need one, I would have to travel back to Mobile, AL from DC in order to do it. We already found out transferring to another reproductive center in DC is not possible with the shared risk program. I know people do travel all the time for IVF, but it would involve either a prolonged period away from John or getting monitoring set up in DC and just coming down to Mobile for the egg retrieval itself. While this is possible, it would probably cost us a lot more money (for both the travel and the monitoring) which is a major factor for us to consider. Currently, Dr. K gives a substantial discount to military members for the monitoring. We pay $700.00 instead of the usual $2000.00 fee. I am also guessing monitoring will cost a lot more in DC, since everything else does. We felt like freezing my eggs would give us a third option and at the same time leave a door open for further treatment if we so desired it down the road. We wouldn't be able to use the eggs as part of the shared risk program (we would have to cancel out), but we could avoid ever having to do another egg retrieval which shared risk would require. We would have to pay for the transfer procedure and that is about it. It would be very similar to doing a frozen embryo transfer. The other reason freezing eggs appealed to me is because its main purpose is to help cancer patients. My sister Debbie just recently had Hodgkin's lymphoma. She completed chemotherapy and radiation and is now, praise God, cancer-free. I know that her future fertility was something that was a great concern to her when she was going through all this. The current methods for freezing eggs are just not very good, which is why this research is needed. Even if I never use the eggs myself, I feel like this research could help others, like my sister, in the future.
Technically, I am supposed to be on bed rest until Thursday afternoon. I have observed a 24 hour period of bed rest and I am going to try to take it as easy as possible over the next few days, but there really isn't anything I can do to stay on a strict bed rest. With retrieval not happening until last Friday, we really got behind on our packing schedule. I have to pack my clothes and the stuff that I will need immediately. Obviously, John will load the cars so I won't be lifting anything. I have heard that there really is no difference in pregnancy rates between those who are put on bed rest and those who aren't. Still, if there is anyone who has been through this and did not have bed rest (and especially if you got pregnant), I would love it if you would leave me a reassuring comment.
I believe our Internet connection is being shut off after today, so I may not be posting or commenting on your blogs as much. John has a laptop, but it is not entirely set up yet. I am hoping he will get it up and running soon.
Also, I wanted to clear up something about the egg freezing I mentioned in a couple of my previous posts in case it came out wrong. I had said that they were experimenting with this new procedure to hopefully help cancer patients and those with religious/moral objections to freezing embryos. John and I chose to limit the number of embryos, not because we are against freezing, but because we were afraid of ending up in a situation where we had more embryos than we could ever use ourselves. Even though we know that a 100% success rate is highly unlikely, we wanted to assume 100% and know we would be willing to commit to giving everyone of them a chance at life. Having the miscarriage, very much lessened what I feel I could endure in terms of further cycles. I have several friends in the blogosphere and in real life with frozen embryos and I didn't want any of you to think that I thought it was wrong or was passing judgment on you in any way. The egg freezing appealed to me for a couple of different reasons. First, even though we did shared risk and have a 3rd egg retrieval if we need one, I would have to travel back to Mobile, AL from DC in order to do it. We already found out transferring to another reproductive center in DC is not possible with the shared risk program. I know people do travel all the time for IVF, but it would involve either a prolonged period away from John or getting monitoring set up in DC and just coming down to Mobile for the egg retrieval itself. While this is possible, it would probably cost us a lot more money (for both the travel and the monitoring) which is a major factor for us to consider. Currently, Dr. K gives a substantial discount to military members for the monitoring. We pay $700.00 instead of the usual $2000.00 fee. I am also guessing monitoring will cost a lot more in DC, since everything else does. We felt like freezing my eggs would give us a third option and at the same time leave a door open for further treatment if we so desired it down the road. We wouldn't be able to use the eggs as part of the shared risk program (we would have to cancel out), but we could avoid ever having to do another egg retrieval which shared risk would require. We would have to pay for the transfer procedure and that is about it. It would be very similar to doing a frozen embryo transfer. The other reason freezing eggs appealed to me is because its main purpose is to help cancer patients. My sister Debbie just recently had Hodgkin's lymphoma. She completed chemotherapy and radiation and is now, praise God, cancer-free. I know that her future fertility was something that was a great concern to her when she was going through all this. The current methods for freezing eggs are just not very good, which is why this research is needed. Even if I never use the eggs myself, I feel like this research could help others, like my sister, in the future.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Quick Update on our Transfer
We just got back from the transfer. I don't have great news. We only had 1 6-cell, grade 3 embryo to transfer. They like to have 2 8-cells, both grading 4. The other 3 are only at the 4-cell stage. Hopefully, they will keep growing and we will be able to freeze them for another cycle.
I know it only takes one. I have heard of friends with great embryos that did not get pregnant and others with so-so embryos that got pregnant. But I am still very disappointed. This cycle just has not gone well. I know it is and always was in the Lord's hand. I am praying the one will be our miracle.
I know it only takes one. I have heard of friends with great embryos that did not get pregnant and others with so-so embryos that got pregnant. But I am still very disappointed. This cycle just has not gone well. I know it is and always was in the Lord's hand. I am praying the one will be our miracle.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Dividing - But Very Slowly
I just got the call from Suzanne and things are not looking great. We now have 4 at the 2-cell stage. There are 3 of them grading a 4 on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the best, and 1 grading a 3. The 5th one is not making it. They examined them at 44 hours this time instead of 47 hours as they did last time, so hopefully that accounts for some of the difference and they will catch up. I am scheduled for a 12:30 pm transfer tomorrow, a little later in the day to give them time to grow. She asked me if we would consider transferring 3. I just don't think I am willing to risk triplets, not because I wouldn't want 3 babies (though I know it would be incredibly difficult), but because it can be life threatening for them. A twin pregnancy is risky enough.
Please be praying.
Please be praying.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
We Have Fertilization!
I got the call from Dr. K's office this morning around 9:00. It was so nice to get this call early in the day rather than having to wait all day to hear the report. I didn't even have time to start worrying :) In actuality, I am far less worried this cycle. The Lord has given me peace and trust that it is all in His hands.
"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23
- 16 of the 17 eggs retrieved were mature
- 8 were frozen using the experimental quick freeze procedure I mentioned yesterday - I think it is safe to say that no matter what the outcome is of this cycle, this was my last egg retrieval
- 8 were injected
- 5 fertilized - this is the same number we had last IVF, you can read how encouraged I was by having 5 last cycle here, I can't help but be encouraged this time as well - it reminds me that God knows me and He cares for me
"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23
Friday, April 24, 2009
Home from Retrieval
I just got back from retrieval. Everything went very well. We had 17 eggs retrieved. We are not going to ICSI all of them though. John and I have chosen to limit the number of eggs they attempt to fertilize. The plan is to attempt to freeze the rest of the eggs using a new quick freeze procedure. At this point the procedure is still experimental, so there is no guarantee of success. The reason they are experimenting with this new procedure is because there has not been much success with egg freezing in the past. They want to be able to freeze eggs to help cancer patients and those with religious/moral objections to freezing embryos.
Now we wait for fertilization to occur. I should hear the report tomorrow.
Thank you for your prayers. I have been greatly encouraged by the comments and emails I have received.
I am off to rest now.
Now we wait for fertilization to occur. I should hear the report tomorrow.
Thank you for your prayers. I have been greatly encouraged by the comments and emails I have received.
I am off to rest now.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
IVF/ICSI #2 Prayer Requests
I fully believe in the power of power of prayer. As I stated in my previous post, it is going to take a miracle for us to get pregnant and carry a healthy child to term. You can read about it here. I was able to speak with the embryologist again today. I came away from the conversation even more convinced that we need a miracle from God. Would you please join us in prayer?
We are asking for the following:
1) For God to be glorified that others would see the great work He has done.
2) For this cycle to be successful, for those of you who like to get specific when you pray, here are the specifics:
4) Please pray that we trust God with this whole process and especially the outcome. We know that His ways and timing are perfect.
5) Keep focus on the Lord, take one day at a time, and allow Him to lead us step by step.
6) For freedom from worry and fear, for God's peace throughout the entire process, especially the 2 week waiting period
7) We be reminded of God's presence with us
8) God's will be done in our lives, that He fulfill His purpose for John and I
"Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37
I had heard verse 37 before, but it was only recently that I realized it was specifically connected with someone who struggled with infertility. I am greatly encouraged by that and I hope all of you will be as well.
Thank you for praying!
We are asking for the following:
1) For God to be glorified that others would see the great work He has done.
2) For this cycle to be successful, for those of you who like to get specific when you pray, here are the specifics:
- Stage 1: Ovarian stimulation, monitoring, and ovulation triggering - this is the current stage until tomorrow when we move to stage 2, please continue to pray for adequate response and hormone levels and no excessive response (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome)
- Stage 2: Egg retrieval - please pray that the procedure go well, that a sufficient number of mature eggs be retrieved, and that there would be no problems with anesthesia
- Stage 3: Fertilization - please pray that fertilization would occur and that a sufficient number would begin to divide and develop properly. Ideally, we would have 2 grade 5 (symmetric with no fragmentation) embryos to transfer. The Lord knows what number is sufficient and I am trusting Him with this.
- Stage 4: Embryo transfer - please pray that the procedure go well and that the embryos would implant into my uterus and develop into healthy babies
4) Please pray that we trust God with this whole process and especially the outcome. We know that His ways and timing are perfect.
5) Keep focus on the Lord, take one day at a time, and allow Him to lead us step by step.
6) For freedom from worry and fear, for God's peace throughout the entire process, especially the 2 week waiting period
7) We be reminded of God's presence with us
8) God's will be done in our lives, that He fulfill His purpose for John and I
"Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37
I had heard verse 37 before, but it was only recently that I realized it was specifically connected with someone who struggled with infertility. I am greatly encouraged by that and I hope all of you will be as well.
Thank you for praying!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Finally!
I am finally ready for retrieval! It is scheduled for Friday at 9:45am. When I went in Monday for my u/s, I expected them to call later in the day and say I was ready for retrieval on Wednesday, but unfortunately they said I needed at least one more day. So I went back on Tuesday morning expecting to get a go for Thursday, but again they said no. So I went back today and finally I am ready. My E2 rose from around 2,000 on Tuesday to 2700 today. I have about 12 follicles over 15 mm and several others that are above 13 mm. This is much, much better than last cycle. I take the trigger shot tonight at 11:15 and then go back in the morning for b/w to see if I need to take a second shot. I am so ready to get this show on the road. I am so tired of driving to Gulf Breeze which is about an hour and 15 minute drive each way. And I have been feeling pretty uncomfortable. Did you know that your ovaries can touch each other? I thought I was seeing double for a moment yesterday when I looked at the u/s screen.
Even though I have been frustrated that it is taking so long, I am actually glad that my retrieval is Friday rather than Thursday. If it had been Thursday, guess what my due date would have been if I got pregnant? January 13. The day I miscarried. I'm still not sure what I think about the dates being so close together.
In other news, I have almost gotten everything ready for the movers. I have been sorting, filing, and preparing since Saturday afternoon. I took a break today because I was just so exhausted. All I have left to do is update the inventory of all our stuff, take pictures, and pack the stuff we are taking in our cars. We are taking pictures of things this move as an added precaution.
Also, I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and encouraging comments on my last post. I will post specific prayer requests for this cycle tomorrow.
Even though I have been frustrated that it is taking so long, I am actually glad that my retrieval is Friday rather than Thursday. If it had been Thursday, guess what my due date would have been if I got pregnant? January 13. The day I miscarried. I'm still not sure what I think about the dates being so close together.
In other news, I have almost gotten everything ready for the movers. I have been sorting, filing, and preparing since Saturday afternoon. I took a break today because I was just so exhausted. All I have left to do is update the inventory of all our stuff, take pictures, and pack the stuff we are taking in our cars. We are taking pictures of things this move as an added precaution.
Also, I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and encouraging comments on my last post. I will post specific prayer requests for this cycle tomorrow.
Monday, April 20, 2009
It's gonna take a miracle...
It is going to take a miracle for me to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term.
I must start out with a disclaimer. I am going to discuss the information I found out, giving enough information for everyone to understand what we are up against, but not giving any specifics that would reveal our diagnosis. If I had kept this blog anonymous from the beginning and not given it out to anyone I know in real life, I would get into the specifics. However, John and I made a decision to be open about our struggle with IF, but decided we didn't think everyone needed to know whether it was one, and if so which one of us, or both of us. I know not everyone would agree with this decision, but it is what's best for us.
Okay, so I got some information this past Thursday from the embryologist that works with my RE. It is not good news at all. Last cycle the 3 embryos that weren't transferred did not survive until day 5. Day 5 is when my doctor freezes. I had been feeling like I should talk to them about what happened to see if they learned anything that might help us this time around. She looked back over my records and said she was surprised we didn't get a pregnancy based on our embryo quality (I guess she doesn't get any of the information after she does her part of the process). I told her we did get a pregnancy, but at 10 weeks we found out there was no heartbeat and then I miscarried. So she says to me, "I really don't want to scare you, but....." It is never good when someone starts off a sentence that way. She then proceeded to tell me that they saw _______ (name of abnormality) and that there were none without this abnormality. She said that my miscarriage was probably a result of these abnormalities. Well, I guess I would have been scared if I knew what they were and what effect they had on pregnancy outcomes. I didn't even know enough to know what to ask her. So of course I googled them when I got home. All I could find were journal articles which tells me they don't know a lot about them yet. In one of the articles, I came across an alarming study comparing pregnancy rates and miscarriage rates for a group with these abnormalities with a group without these abnormalities. The results were terrible. For those with these abnormalities only 5 of the 28 study participants (18%) got pregnant and 4 of those (80%) miscarried. That leaves just ONE pregnancy which was ongoing at the time of the study and NO deliveries. In the group without the abnormalities, 14 of the 28 participants got pregnant (50%) and only 1 miscarried (7%). In this group there were 10 deliveries and 3 ongoing pregnancies. The 4 miscarriages in the group with the abnormality were all what are called missed abortions. This is basically when the heartbeat stops and/or the baby stops growing, but your body does not miscarry the baby. Sound familiar? Another one of the interesting results from this study was that there were no differences in fertilization rate, percentage of good embryos, or implantation rate between the two groups. So basically this means the embryo develops normally in the beginning, but this abnormality affects embryo survival in the later stages resulting in lower pregnancy rates and much higher miscarriage rates. I found another study which looked at blastocyst formation (this is the stage the embryo reaches at day5) in groups with different degrees of this abnormality. The two groups with a high degree of the abnormality had little to no blastocyst formation, which may explain why none of our other 3 made it to day 5. I hope this isn't too technical, but I wanted to give every one a picture of what we are up against.
It might sound strange, but when I read these numbers peace came over me (admittedly there has been crying since). I realized that we are facing a situation that only God can overcome. We need Him to intervene. I have always believed that it was God who was in control and not my doctor. However, I believe God gives doctors the knowledge and skills they possess, and therefore I believe we should go to them when we have a medical issue (which infertility is). But there is nothing the doctors can do in this situation. There is nothing they can do to fix it. We can only go to the One who is not bound by diagnoses, circumstances, or statistics, the One for whom nothing is impossible. It is definitely going to take a miracle for me to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. But I know that if the Lord wills it, He can bring it to pass.
If He does bring it to pass, it will be known that is was God who has done this great thing. Recently, I had been wondering about whether others would know it was God if I got pregnant through IVF. Would people give God all the praise and glory or would my doctor get the credit? This had really been bothering me. I believe our lives are meant to glorify God and I want Him to get all the glory. I want to be able to say as my friend Elaine did here, "To God be the glory, great things HE has done!" This was confirmed for me in an email sent to me by one of my closest friends. She said,
"God enjoys getting all and every credit and glory for His doings... which is as it should be.
And when and if this pregnancy happens, it's for sure now that it won't be a result of any medical technology or doctor skills... but only by God's grace and sovereignty. What a testament that would be!"
Jesus said with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). And so I am going to be asking God for a miracle. And if He wills it, all the glory will be His. If He does not will it, I will trust in the "something more" God has planned (see Elaine's post above). Either way I want God to receive all glory, honor, and praise.
I must start out with a disclaimer. I am going to discuss the information I found out, giving enough information for everyone to understand what we are up against, but not giving any specifics that would reveal our diagnosis. If I had kept this blog anonymous from the beginning and not given it out to anyone I know in real life, I would get into the specifics. However, John and I made a decision to be open about our struggle with IF, but decided we didn't think everyone needed to know whether it was one, and if so which one of us, or both of us. I know not everyone would agree with this decision, but it is what's best for us.
Okay, so I got some information this past Thursday from the embryologist that works with my RE. It is not good news at all. Last cycle the 3 embryos that weren't transferred did not survive until day 5. Day 5 is when my doctor freezes. I had been feeling like I should talk to them about what happened to see if they learned anything that might help us this time around. She looked back over my records and said she was surprised we didn't get a pregnancy based on our embryo quality (I guess she doesn't get any of the information after she does her part of the process). I told her we did get a pregnancy, but at 10 weeks we found out there was no heartbeat and then I miscarried. So she says to me, "I really don't want to scare you, but....." It is never good when someone starts off a sentence that way. She then proceeded to tell me that they saw _______ (name of abnormality) and that there were none without this abnormality. She said that my miscarriage was probably a result of these abnormalities. Well, I guess I would have been scared if I knew what they were and what effect they had on pregnancy outcomes. I didn't even know enough to know what to ask her. So of course I googled them when I got home. All I could find were journal articles which tells me they don't know a lot about them yet. In one of the articles, I came across an alarming study comparing pregnancy rates and miscarriage rates for a group with these abnormalities with a group without these abnormalities. The results were terrible. For those with these abnormalities only 5 of the 28 study participants (18%) got pregnant and 4 of those (80%) miscarried. That leaves just ONE pregnancy which was ongoing at the time of the study and NO deliveries. In the group without the abnormalities, 14 of the 28 participants got pregnant (50%) and only 1 miscarried (7%). In this group there were 10 deliveries and 3 ongoing pregnancies. The 4 miscarriages in the group with the abnormality were all what are called missed abortions. This is basically when the heartbeat stops and/or the baby stops growing, but your body does not miscarry the baby. Sound familiar? Another one of the interesting results from this study was that there were no differences in fertilization rate, percentage of good embryos, or implantation rate between the two groups. So basically this means the embryo develops normally in the beginning, but this abnormality affects embryo survival in the later stages resulting in lower pregnancy rates and much higher miscarriage rates. I found another study which looked at blastocyst formation (this is the stage the embryo reaches at day5) in groups with different degrees of this abnormality. The two groups with a high degree of the abnormality had little to no blastocyst formation, which may explain why none of our other 3 made it to day 5. I hope this isn't too technical, but I wanted to give every one a picture of what we are up against.
It might sound strange, but when I read these numbers peace came over me (admittedly there has been crying since). I realized that we are facing a situation that only God can overcome. We need Him to intervene. I have always believed that it was God who was in control and not my doctor. However, I believe God gives doctors the knowledge and skills they possess, and therefore I believe we should go to them when we have a medical issue (which infertility is). But there is nothing the doctors can do in this situation. There is nothing they can do to fix it. We can only go to the One who is not bound by diagnoses, circumstances, or statistics, the One for whom nothing is impossible. It is definitely going to take a miracle for me to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. But I know that if the Lord wills it, He can bring it to pass.
If He does bring it to pass, it will be known that is was God who has done this great thing. Recently, I had been wondering about whether others would know it was God if I got pregnant through IVF. Would people give God all the praise and glory or would my doctor get the credit? This had really been bothering me. I believe our lives are meant to glorify God and I want Him to get all the glory. I want to be able to say as my friend Elaine did here, "To God be the glory, great things HE has done!" This was confirmed for me in an email sent to me by one of my closest friends. She said,
"God enjoys getting all and every credit and glory for His doings... which is as it should be.
And when and if this pregnancy happens, it's for sure now that it won't be a result of any medical technology or doctor skills... but only by God's grace and sovereignty. What a testament that would be!"
Jesus said with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). And so I am going to be asking God for a miracle. And if He wills it, all the glory will be His. If He does not will it, I will trust in the "something more" God has planned (see Elaine's post above). Either way I want God to receive all glory, honor, and praise.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Making Progress!
Tuesday's u/s showed that my follicles are growing, but my E2 was only 154. I started out pretty slow last time, so I think that is just how my body responds. Today's u/s showed some definite progress. My lead follicle is 14.8 mm and there are 6 others that are 12mm or more. There are an additional 15 follicles, 9 on my right ovary and 6 on my left, that are less than 12mm so hopefully some of these guys will catch up. My E2 is up to 455 and my LH is 1.25, so no premature LH surge, which is good. Let's hope it stays that way. They are keeping me at 150 IU of Follistim in the am and adding in 1 shot of Ganirelix Acetate. I'm no longer going to be taking Follistim in the evenings, instead I will take two vials of Menopur. Ganirelex is used to prevent me from ovulating on my own and Menopur is used for better egg quality and development. I go back on Monday morning for another u/s and b/w. They think I will be ready when I go in on Monday, which would make retrieval on Wednesday and transfer on Saturday.
Yesterday at Bible study, we talked about how we can't look to other people to fill whatever void we are feeling. I have been feeling discouraged, but I realized that I must look to my Heavenly Father to provide the strengthening and encouragement I need. Very often God does work through other people to meet our needs, but ultimately we must look to the Lord. He is my Provider. "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19 KJV
Also, I found out some information yesterday from the embryologist that may seriously impact the outcome of this cycle. We may now have the explanation as to why I miscarried and unfortunately we may be facing the same situation again. Let me just say that it is going to take a miracle. I will be posting about it very soon.
Yesterday at Bible study, we talked about how we can't look to other people to fill whatever void we are feeling. I have been feeling discouraged, but I realized that I must look to my Heavenly Father to provide the strengthening and encouragement I need. Very often God does work through other people to meet our needs, but ultimately we must look to the Lord. He is my Provider. "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19 KJV
Also, I found out some information yesterday from the embryologist that may seriously impact the outcome of this cycle. We may now have the explanation as to why I miscarried and unfortunately we may be facing the same situation again. Let me just say that it is going to take a miracle. I will be posting about it very soon.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
IVF/ICSI #2 Update/Prayer requests
Thursday's u/s went well and so I started stims on Friday - 150 IU of Follistim twice a day. I forgot to ask what my hormone levels were, but I guess they were fine since they didn't say otherwise. I try not to stress too much about the results of my ultrasounds and blood work. I also try not to stress about the protocol my RE has me on. I know that ultimately it is God who is in control of this process, not my doctor. It is the Lord who will determine the outcome.
The first few days of Follistim were pretty rough. I felt really depressed and cried a lot. I was wondering if it was due to the higher dosage of Follistim they are giving me this time around. I don't remember feeling this bad last time. I really didn't have much of a monthly cycle after I got off the BCPs, so maybe my body is just going a little crazy. I started to feel a little better yesterday and then this morning when I got on the scale I had shed a couple pounds of water weight. BCPs make me bloated. So maybe it was the BCPs and my kinda sorta monthly cycle and not the Follistim that have been making me feel so bad. I am hoping they have left my system and I will begin to feel better.
I had another u/s and more BW this morning. I haven't heard the results yet so I don't know if there are any changes in my medications. The u/s tech said she saw about 17 follicles, with the largest one measuring about 9 mm. I think this is slightly better than last time in terms of follicle size. It is going so fast now. I should have my retrieval next week which is really hard to believe.
I do have a few prayer requests:
1) Please pray that I would continue to trust God with the entire process and especially the outcome
2) Freedom from worry and fear, for God's peace throughout this cycle
3) For strengthening and encouragement, as I mentioned I have been feeling really down (which may be due to side effects of the medication)
Up to 25% of cycles are canceled prior to retrieval due to inadequate follicle development or hormonal levels, premature LH surge, or excessive response.
4) Pray that my follicles would reach the necessary level of maturity and that they would do so at an equal rate, and that I would produce adequate hormone levels
5) Pray that I would not have a premature LH surge
6) Pray that I would not have an excessive response - ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome
Thank you for praying for me.
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19
The first few days of Follistim were pretty rough. I felt really depressed and cried a lot. I was wondering if it was due to the higher dosage of Follistim they are giving me this time around. I don't remember feeling this bad last time. I really didn't have much of a monthly cycle after I got off the BCPs, so maybe my body is just going a little crazy. I started to feel a little better yesterday and then this morning when I got on the scale I had shed a couple pounds of water weight. BCPs make me bloated. So maybe it was the BCPs and my kinda sorta monthly cycle and not the Follistim that have been making me feel so bad. I am hoping they have left my system and I will begin to feel better.
I had another u/s and more BW this morning. I haven't heard the results yet so I don't know if there are any changes in my medications. The u/s tech said she saw about 17 follicles, with the largest one measuring about 9 mm. I think this is slightly better than last time in terms of follicle size. It is going so fast now. I should have my retrieval next week which is really hard to believe.
I do have a few prayer requests:
1) Please pray that I would continue to trust God with the entire process and especially the outcome
2) Freedom from worry and fear, for God's peace throughout this cycle
3) For strengthening and encouragement, as I mentioned I have been feeling really down (which may be due to side effects of the medication)
Up to 25% of cycles are canceled prior to retrieval due to inadequate follicle development or hormonal levels, premature LH surge, or excessive response.
4) Pray that my follicles would reach the necessary level of maturity and that they would do so at an equal rate, and that I would produce adequate hormone levels
5) Pray that I would not have a premature LH surge
6) Pray that I would not have an excessive response - ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome
Thank you for praying for me.
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19
Thursday, April 9, 2009
At the Appointed Time
In my Tuesday night small group Bible study we are currently studying the book of Acts. I came across something in the 3rd chapter that was very meaningful to me:
1One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" 5So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
Is this cycle the appointed time for us? I don't know, all I know is that the Lord has said, "This is the way; walk in it" Isaiah 30:21. My prayer is for God to be glorified. I will not lean on my understanding or try to guess how God will work things out. I will wait upon the Lord to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect time.
1One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" 5So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
6Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." 7Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. 8He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. 9When all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. Acts 3: 1-10
Is this cycle the appointed time for us? I don't know, all I know is that the Lord has said, "This is the way; walk in it" Isaiah 30:21. My prayer is for God to be glorified. I will not lean on my understanding or try to guess how God will work things out. I will wait upon the Lord to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect time.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I ♥ My Left Ovary
I do not ♥ my right ovary. It is tucked back in a way that makes viewing it via ultrasound very uncomfortable. And as I remember it, my left ovary was my "producer" last IVF cycle. My right ovary would hurt more so I would always think more was happening with it, but the ultrasound would reveal it was just playing tricks on me. Enough about my ovaries. Mondays ultrasound went very well. They saw one cyst, but my RE does not think it will cause any problems. Sabrina, my IVF nurse, said the Cetrotide would probably take care of it. John gave me the Cetrotide yesterday. It is a huge shot - 3 mL. John says that shots that large are usually not given subcutaneously. Other than progesterone in oil (PIO), which is given intramuscularly, Cetrotide is probably my most painful shot of the cycle. I am so grateful that John is a nurse. It really makes the process of receiving shots much less stressful. I give myself the Folllistim, but any of the ones that involve a syringe, I let John give me. Syringes stress me out. Monday was also the last day of BCPs which makes me very happy. Last IVF they were the worst part of the whole process for me in terms of medication side effects. BCPs and I just don't agree. I guess it is a good thing that I have no need for them other than for IVF :)
Tomorrow I have another ultrasound and blood work and then if all is well I start Follistim.
Tomorrow I have another ultrasound and blood work and then if all is well I start Follistim.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
IVF/ICSI #2
Well here we go again. I wish I didn't have to write #2 after IVF/ICSI. I never wrote IVF #1 because I was really hoping that the first one would be it. Unfortunately, that is not the way things turned out. However, God has done an amazing work in my heart over the last month and a half or so. He has brought healing to the point that both John and I feel like we are ready to give things another try.
We are scheduled for this month. Initially, we thought we would wait until we got up to DC before trying again. This was partly because neither one of us thought our hearts would be ready to try again and partly because we were worried it would be too stressful being so close to our move. This was basically where we were at when John left for Peru in February. About a week after John got back (beginning of March) I figured I had better research fertility clinics in the DC area and check with the shared risk program to see if we could transfer into a program up there. For those who might not know, shared risk is a program where you pay a discounted fee and receive multiple IVF cycles. If treatment is unsuccessful, you receive 70% of your money back. You can also cancel out of the program and receive 70% of your money back if you can't or don't want to continue treatment. You can read more about it here. Anyway, I found a clinic no problem. But when I called IntegraMed to see if we could transfer to the clinic in DC I found out we could not. They wanted us to cancel out of the program here and enroll in the program in DC. We would basically have to start all over and pay the full fee. This was just not an option. So that left us finishing out the program here. I talked to my IVF nurse Sabrina to see if we would be able to get in for April. They require you to have two monthly cycles before beginning birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first step in an IVF cycle. Thankfully, my monthly cycles cooperated so that we could.
We are basically ready to go. Drugs have been ordered, appointments have been made. I have been taking BCPs since March 18th. I finish them Monday April 6th. So here is our schedule:
April 6 - baseline ultrasound (this is to make sure I have no cysts on my ovaries)
April 7 - 1st injection - Cetrotide (this is given to prevent premature LH surge or ovulation, if this happens then my cycle would be cancelled)
April 9 - baseline u/s and blood work (BW) to check my estrogen, progesterone, and LH levels
April 9/10 - Begin stims, Follistim and later Menopur (Follistim is used to stimulate the development of ovarian follicles and Menopur is used for better egg development and quality)
Projected egg retrieval dates: April 21, 22, 0r 23
Projected transfer dates: April 24, 25, or 26
Even If I am not ready (have enough mature follicles) until the 23rd, things should still work out just fine timing wise for our move. In this case transfer would be on the 26th, followed by bed rest until the 28th. Then the movers come to pack us up on the 29th and 30th and the cleaner comes on the 2nd of May. Since we don't have to do the packing and cleaning ourselves I think things will work out just fine. I can't believe things are actually about to get started. I am so much more relaxed this time. Last time the process of IVF itself with all the shots and drugs was completely overwhelming. You can read about a typical IVF cycle here. This time I know what to expect so I am much less nervous about the physical aspects of the process. Emotionally, I am both excited and nervous. I plan on taking it one day at a time, trusting in God's perfect plan for this cycle.
We are scheduled for this month. Initially, we thought we would wait until we got up to DC before trying again. This was partly because neither one of us thought our hearts would be ready to try again and partly because we were worried it would be too stressful being so close to our move. This was basically where we were at when John left for Peru in February. About a week after John got back (beginning of March) I figured I had better research fertility clinics in the DC area and check with the shared risk program to see if we could transfer into a program up there. For those who might not know, shared risk is a program where you pay a discounted fee and receive multiple IVF cycles. If treatment is unsuccessful, you receive 70% of your money back. You can also cancel out of the program and receive 70% of your money back if you can't or don't want to continue treatment. You can read more about it here. Anyway, I found a clinic no problem. But when I called IntegraMed to see if we could transfer to the clinic in DC I found out we could not. They wanted us to cancel out of the program here and enroll in the program in DC. We would basically have to start all over and pay the full fee. This was just not an option. So that left us finishing out the program here. I talked to my IVF nurse Sabrina to see if we would be able to get in for April. They require you to have two monthly cycles before beginning birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first step in an IVF cycle. Thankfully, my monthly cycles cooperated so that we could.
We are basically ready to go. Drugs have been ordered, appointments have been made. I have been taking BCPs since March 18th. I finish them Monday April 6th. So here is our schedule:
April 6 - baseline ultrasound (this is to make sure I have no cysts on my ovaries)
April 7 - 1st injection - Cetrotide (this is given to prevent premature LH surge or ovulation, if this happens then my cycle would be cancelled)
April 9 - baseline u/s and blood work (BW) to check my estrogen, progesterone, and LH levels
April 9/10 - Begin stims, Follistim and later Menopur (Follistim is used to stimulate the development of ovarian follicles and Menopur is used for better egg development and quality)
Projected egg retrieval dates: April 21, 22, 0r 23
Projected transfer dates: April 24, 25, or 26
Even If I am not ready (have enough mature follicles) until the 23rd, things should still work out just fine timing wise for our move. In this case transfer would be on the 26th, followed by bed rest until the 28th. Then the movers come to pack us up on the 29th and 30th and the cleaner comes on the 2nd of May. Since we don't have to do the packing and cleaning ourselves I think things will work out just fine. I can't believe things are actually about to get started. I am so much more relaxed this time. Last time the process of IVF itself with all the shots and drugs was completely overwhelming. You can read about a typical IVF cycle here. This time I know what to expect so I am much less nervous about the physical aspects of the process. Emotionally, I am both excited and nervous. I plan on taking it one day at a time, trusting in God's perfect plan for this cycle.
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