Stronger

The song Stronger by Mandisa was shared on another site with those of us caught up in this EP mess. I don't think I had ever heard it before, but it has really been ministering to me, especially these lines.

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever

I don't understand why for us building a family is such a long hard process. But I am trying to lay this down before the Lord and trust that He has a plan and a purpose in all this. I am trying not to let fear in; the fear that Joshua is never going to come home has been trying to creep in. But I have to hold on to the hope that he will, in God's perfect timing.

John is still waiting to be credentialed so he can start practicing and because of that he decided to take leave this week. We are going to take some time to get away from it all, so I may not be on the internet much over the next few days.

We continue to ask for your prayers. We are going on week 11 of waiting for Joshua's EP.

Why Now Lord?

I have to confess a struggle I was having after getting the news about EP submission for Joshua. It may not make sense to a lot of people and at the same time I know there are many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat (especially after all of the devastating news for ESWS and SWS families that has come recently), but I have always tried to be honest and transparent on this blog. So here goes. The truth is after the initial elation, I struggled with "why now Lord?" Why Lord did you make me wait over 6 years to become a mom, and at the one time where I would have hit the 'pause' button, you hit the 'fast forward' button?

I have said that we will travel in July, but the truth is we could travel in June. We just don't know. And it was the thought of June travel that had me freaking out a bit. I kept envisioning us bringing Joshua home to a hotel room after we get our travel call. And I was struggling with a lot of guilt about that. We are taking him from a stable home where he is loved and cared for, and I just really want us to be settled in when we get the call to travel.

Ultimately, I guess what I was really struggling with was laying down my idea of how things were supposed to go, at least according to my plan.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

But obviously the Lord has a different plan, one that requires me to let go of my perfectionism. You see according to my plan, we are supposed to be moved into our house, everything was supposed to be unpacked, the house was supposed to be decorated, and then I would have plenty of time to research and plan our trip to Korea and learn a bit more of the language. And frankly, this still sounds like the best plan to me.

But I don't know everything. And God does. I may not understand why this is the perfect timing, but God does. And so I have to trust. I have to trust that even if things don't happen according to my idea of perfection (and most likely they won't), it will be okay.

I went back to a post I wrote a little while ago on fear, and found this:

We don't just trust God to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us (picking up our son is something I am incredibly excited about and grateful for, so please understand my struggle was with the timing).

"If ____, then God will take care of me."

"If ____, then God has a plan."

"If ____, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me."

"If ___, then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me."

If we get our travel call in June, then God will take care of me (and Joshua).

If  we get our travel call in June, then God has a plan.

If  we get our travel call in June, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If we get our travel call in June,  then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

I also went back to my "statement of trust" that is on the top right of my blog, particularly the part from Isaiah 26:8, "Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."

I want the Lord to be glorified through what He brings about in our life. I want things to happen according to His will and timing. And so I pray as Jesus did, "Father, glorify your name!" John 12:28.

What matters is that Joshua will be coming home to us. The rest of it really isn't that important.

Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.

A New Year

It may have seemed strange for me to say as I did here that the new year didn't really begin for me until January 14th, but it is absolutely how I felt. When I awoke on that day, it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I know now that all the sadness and uncertainty I was experiencing were an "anniversary reaction." I felt so guilty for having these feelings when I should be excited about Joshua's homecoming.

The excitement that had been alluding me has finally come. In fact, I was almost giddy with excitement on Friday as I thought about the fact that this is the year we will bring Joshua home. As part of that giant leap forward, I gave my notice at work on that same day. I will be officially transitioning to my new role as a wife and homemaker (and soon to be stay-at-home mom!) on March 11th. I am so excited!

As I look ahead to this upcoming year, there is still some uncertainty, especially in regards to where we will be moving and when  in the midst of all that Joshua will be coming home. Will we get our travel call before we move? My friend Joia wrote about having a word goal for the year which inspired me to choose my word for this year.

My word for 2011 is:

Trust

Definition of Trust

intransitive verb

1 a : to place confidence : depend
   b : to be confident : hope
2: to sell or deliver on credit

transitive verb

1 a : to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
   b : to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
2 a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe
   b : to place confidence in : rely on
   c : to hope or expect confidently
3 : to extend credit to

And my verse for this year,

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3

The Lord is faithful and I know I can put my trust in Him for all that this year will bring.

Fear

I written before about my struggle with worry. Lately, it has become clear to me that it goes beyond worry, it is fear. I feel like fear is the last major stronghold remaining in my life (not that I don't have many other areas to work on), but in terms of a major area where I need to see the Lord's deliverance.

This really came into focus for me once we got the referral for Joshua. Suddenly, I was paralyzed by the thought of it all falling apart. When I would hear about the troubles between North and South Korea on the news, I would become fearful that they will shutdown adoptions. For a long time, I was hoping for a miracle pregnancy. Then I made a decision to let go and now I actually worry about getting pregnant. To get pregnant now would mean losing Joshua.

However, I believe the Lord has begun working on me in a number of ways to enable me to overcome fear.

Recently, He led me to the Scriptures below, which I am sure I have read before, but it seemed as if I was reading them for the very first time.

"Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”" Mark 5:36

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3

In the Bible, the antidote to fear is trust; it is believing.

After a great conversation with one of the ladies from my Apples of Gold Bible study, she sent me an email with some of her thoughts on fear (she had recently done Beth Moore's Esther Bible study). She said,

Esther moved from self-preservation to brave determination.

Esther had to overcome herself to do what God created her to do (she had a choice).

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgment that there is something more important at stake.

Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles on the next best thing, threatening to destroy us.

Prov 23:7 - as a man thinks, so is he.

We don't just trust God to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us.

"If ____, then God will take care of me."

"If ____, then God has a plan."

"If ____, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me."

"If ___, then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me."

I especially love where she said courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgment that something more important is at stake.

Finally, I came across something in a Joyce Meyer book that really spoke to me. She writes that every person in the Bible who was ever used by God was told to "fear not." She goes on to say that the Greek word for fear implies flight or running away from something, so it is not that God is telling us to not feel fear, but rather, "when fear comes, don't run away - don't let it stop you from going forward!"

Joyce then said three simple, but for me, very profound words, "Do it afraid." Just because we have fear doesn't mean we can't do the things we are afraid of.

And so I must press on. I must move forward in spite of uncertainty. I sent Joshua a care package in spite of my fears because something more was at stake - we need to begin caring for him now and his foster family needs to know that he is loved. And at Thanksgiving I let my sisters give me some baby stuff.

Yes, there is a stroller in my house and its kinda freaking me out.

A Closed Door

Last Thursday, while I was at work, I received the news that we won't be adopting Y. This was the designated adoption from South Korea I wrote about here and here. In the post from January (the second link), I wrote about how I wasn't sure what was best and had begun to pray that C be able to parent Y. As I began to learn more and more about the losses of adoption, I became less and less convinced it would really be best for us to adopt Y. The toddler age it one of the most difficult for such a loss to occur. I truly know and believe that this is for the best. Thinking about Y losing her mother was absolutely heartbreaking to me. I am so happy she will not have to go through this. But at the same time, I was sad for us. Even though I had begun to have doubts about the situation and in many ways I feel the Lord prepared me for it, I was still very sad. Even though I tried not to get too attached, Y took up residence in my heart. I know what people mean when they say a child "grew in my heart" rather than their womb. I had begun to picture her as our daughter. I ended up having to leave work early after hearing the news. My boss tried to comfort me by saying what good news it was that we were approved and that we will have a child soon. But what she didn't understand is that it was about THIS child. And I needed time to grieve this loss, however intangible it was.

I took the rest of the afternoon and evening to process everything. I even did some journaling to get my thoughts out. I actually could see a number of positives. First, the situation with Y put us on the path of Korean adoption, which I still believe is the right path for us. More and more I feel that domestic adoption in the state of Maryland was not the right choice for us (30 days until parental rights are terminated). Second, there was a quick resolution after we received approval and so we didn't have to keep wondering which path we were going down. In addition, we will mostly like be able to adopt a younger child, 10 months to 1 year old, so we will be able to bond and attach sooner. And of course, Y gets to stay with her mom, in her own culture and country.

Friday morning, I got a pregnancy announcement (one I had been anticipating and am very happy about), but it was one of those times where I felt like I couldn't take anything else. Pregnancy announcements are not about being envious or jealous, for me they jolt me out of my denial and remind me of this hurt and longing in my heart. I question God - why have we been chosen to walk this path and why are we still waiting. As far as Y, I questioned why God brought her into our life, only to take her. The truth is I am weak and fearful. My faith was shaken. I began to wonder whether God would lead us toward Korean adoption and then take it from us as well. It was so clear that God orchestrated the entire situation with Y and yet it was not to be. It reminded me of our first IVF when we felt so clearly led by God and then we miscarried. I often start my day off at work by reading Blackaby Ministries International Day by Day devotional. On Friday, the devotion for the day was, "God’s Ways Are Not Our Ways" on Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

This was the exact verse that was a comfort to me after my miscarriage. Even when we are following God's will, things don't always turn out as we think they will, God's thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not His ways. It was exactly the reminder I needed.

I was encouraged by my hubby and my cousin's faith that YES we will have a child. I needed to borrow their faith, because I was certainly lacking. I had to repent and confess my weakness, fear, and lack of faith to the Lord.

I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him.

Lord, please take away my worry and fear. Help me to trust you more.

Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

Formal Application Submitted!!!

Not the best picture of me, but it captures the moment right before we submitted the formal application to Bethany. Amazingly, I was able to get it done from start to finish yesterday and submit it well before the October 10th deadline. Despite having to study, John was able to come down and help me with the more challenging parts. Have you ever been to a counselor? Uh, yes..... Anyway, I was very grateful for his guidance and input. We were able to answer together as to why we want to adopt which I think was very important to be able to do. I am so excited to be finally taking a step forward. I was also able to order extra copies of our birth certificates and marriage license so we have them ready when we need them. Our next step is an informal interview and then I believe we start assembling our packet - physicals, child protective services clearance, motor vehicle records, etc. I continue to feel less anxious and overwhelmed by the adoption process. I have not yet reached the point where I can picture it happening, being a mom that is, but I continue to hope and trust in the Lord.

"We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you" Psalm 33: 20-22.