Acceptance, Laughter, and Infertility Drawers

First I wanted to thank every one for their support last week. The comments and emails were such an encouragement to me. On Tuesday morning, one of my friends came by with flowers and cards from my friends here in DC which was such a wonderful surprise. It meant so much to both John and I to know that people were thinking of us and praying for us. I believe the Lord truly answered those prayers. In many ways the days leading up to last week were more difficult than the day itself. Once the day was upon me, I had a greater sense of peace and acceptance. Don't get me wrong, there were still tears shed and I know I will always grieve over Johannah, but there was a sense of closure about the day. Going to Philadelphia with John the weekend prior really helped as well. It enabled us to re-connect after his incredibly difficult summer semester at school. We didn't try to pack too much into the weekend. We saw Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, ate some great dinners, and relaxed on the porch at our B & B. Through all we have been through, we have only grown closer together. I find us laughing together now more than we ever did. I love that. I love to laugh. I think laughing together is one of the most important things a husband and wife can do together through infertility. Find the humor in your circumstances where ever you can.

Overall, I am doing okay, though I am still feeling a little overwhelmed as far as adoption decisions. John has actually been having a very tough time these past couple of weeks. Now that he has finally had a break, infertility and his desire to be a dad has really hit him. This is the longest I have ever seen him stay upset. In "The Infertility Companion - Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility,"* the authors talk about the differences between the way men and women handle infertility. They talked about how women think more globally about infertility, meaning it is connected to all parts of our lives. Men, however, are generally more compartmental. They described men as having an "infertility drawer." When a man opens the drawer, he feels sad, but he can close the drawer and not feel sad and many would like to keep it closed. John and I have always found this to be a useful metaphor for us to understand how we each process and deal with infertility. When John brings up something infertility related, I will often say,"drawer's open?" Of course when it is, I will want to settle in for a heart-to-heart about how we are each feeling and........... drawer's closed :) Anyway, this is the longest the drawer has been opened. I know this is a good thing in some ways because I know John needs to fully grieve the loss of biological children and be fully prepared in his heart to move forward with adoption. But I hate seeing my hubby sad. Please say a prayer for him if you would.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again - I love you all and feel so blessed to be a part of this community. Thank you again.

*The Infertility Companion - Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility is by Sandra L. Glahn and William R. Cutrer. It is published by Zondervan and endorsed by the Christian Medical Association. I found it to be a great resource especially at the onset of treatment.

Remembering Johannah

Tomorrow, August 11th, was Johannah's due date. I am not falling apart, just very sad - sad I never got to meet her, sad I never got to hold her, and most of all sad we are not parents. I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Remembering You" since losing Johannah in January. It helps me to celebrate the short time I had with her and remember that I will see her again because "as the cold winter melts into spring" we are reminded of the hope we have in Christ.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4

These lyrics have always been especially meaningful to me:

"From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for"

Something in my heart came alive after getting pregnant and losing Johannah. My heart was opened up in way it never was before, forever changing me. All the defenses I had built up to protect myself from the pain of infertility came tumbling down. I could no longer block out the pain or pretend it didn't exist. I was completely humbled and broken. I began to cry out to God in prayer over my own infertility rather than only praying for others. I was able to let some things from my past go and experience complete healing. I became more open to love - both receiving it and giving it - and the suffering and pain of others. Now when I hear or read about the suffering of others it affects me in a very real and profound way. I often cry over others' losses and suffering in a way I was never capable of before. And for these things I am grateful. Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments were to love God and love people. Because of Johannah, I have gotten better at both.

6 weeks today!

I'm sorry for posting so infrequently. Between the increased social activities, cookie exchange, ladies luncheon at church, Christmas shopping, and almost daily afternoon rests/naps I have been keeping pretty busy. I can't believe I am 6 weeks along as of today! I forgot to ask Dr. K's office what they had as my due date, but I calculated it using an online calculator to be August 11th. If you put in my retrieval date of November 18th, you can get my results.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who left comments or sent emails congratulating us and letting us know that you are praying for us. It has meant so much to both John and I to have the support and prayers of so many people as we have gone through this process.

I did have a bit of a scare last week. Late Wednesday evening, I noticed some spotting - very light and almost orange in color. Needless to say, I was beyond scared. I completely broke down, spent some time crying out to the Lord, and then cried myself to sleep. First thing Thursday morning, I called Dr. K's office to let them know what had happened. I had previously committed to helping with the table decorations for the women's luncheon being held that day, so I went on to church with my cell phone in my pocket to wait for their call. Thankfully, they called back fairly quickly and before the luncheon started. They assured me that everything was fine. She said that the spotting is due to the progesterone inserts that I am taking and the increased vascularization of my cervix. They said I shouldn't worry unless it is red. Even so, anytime you see any amount and any color of blood in pregnancy, it's just plain scary. I have had a small amount of light spotting since then, but I have managed not to let it bother me too much.

These last couple of days, I have been less worried overall and I have been able to rejoice more in what has happened. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real though. I am really looking forward to our ultrasound on Dec 22nd when hopefully it will become more real, but at the same time I am nervous. It is hard not to wonder if sorrow awaits. I am optimistic though and so far there is no indication that I shouldn't be. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of mixed up emotions, but that is just how it is. I oscillate back and forth between different emotions. Throughout this IVF cycle, I have thought a lot about hope and I know there is reason to hope because my hope is in the Lord and He is able.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 (NLT)