For Lisa

I returned from my trip to some incredibly devastating news. I will share about our trip and post pictures another time. This post is for Lisa, who lost her precious little one last week. We prayed for a miracle, but her baby is with the Lord. Something I never shared before in any detail was that after we lost Johannah, John and I had a service for our baby so that we could say good-bye. We went out on the Choctawhatchee Bay with our dear friends Dan and Monica and held a service on their boat. We read a poem, sang "It is Well with my Soul," prayed, and read Psalm 42. I wrote in my journal that I chose it because it expressed our heartache over our loss, but also the hope we have in the Lord.

 

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

 There are no words to adequately express this heartache and my sorrow for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa.

Adopted

Before I left for Phoenix, John and I watched the movie Adopted. You can watch the trailer below:



I highly recommend this movie to anyone involved in adoption. At the beginning of the movie, there was a quote from "Beyond Good Intentions" by Cheri Register. It said,

"The joy and the tragedy coexist. That is the paradox of adoption, and we are all caught up in it."

It was so validating to see this quote. So often over these last few months, I have wanted to write about what I am learning about adoption (and I still hope to do so), but I haven't been able to. I think this is what I have been wrestling with - in adoption joy and sorrow intermingle - and this is very different from the view of adoption many have. I think many people see the positive side of adoption (and there is much that is wonderful) and fail to see that there are losses, especially for birthparents and adoptees. It has been quite a process to begin embracing both the joy and sorrow of adoption and realizing that they can and do coexist. I have always thought that you either have joy or sorrow, and have done everything I can to avoid sorrow and control the losses in my life (as if I can control them). Through this process, I am become much more accepting of the fact that tragedy and sorrow are unavoidable in life. They will both be part of our child's life, and my life, and there is nothing I can do to change this. And that is okay. Because there will also be joy.