Adoption Finalized!!!

On Monday, we went to court to finalize Joshua's adoption, concluding a 3 year long journey.

It was almost exactly three years ago that we arrived in DC heartbroken and yet hopeful, heartbroken because our 2nd (and last) IVF cycle was negative, yet hopeful because even in the midst of that cycle we felt our hearts being pulled toward adoption.

Shortly thereafter we began the adoption process. It was a process fraught with many ups and downs and more heartache and loss; an emotional roller coaster is how I hear it often described. But eventually, it led us to our son.

In many ways this final court date was anticlimactic. We have been a family since Joshua was placed in our arms on September 2nd. We sat at a table, answered a few questions in the affirmative, our social worker gave a positive recommendation, and then the judge spoke and signed the order. No gavel, no traditional looking court room, and yet this day was incredibly meaningful to me. I think it is the finality, the officialness, the FOREVER.

In that moment, Joshua JoonSeo became officially, legally, ours forever. And in that moment, he officially took on our last name.

Pictures from the day:

Getting ready for court with daddy.

Handsome boy!

Outside the courtroom, waiting for our turn to go in.

 

With the judge after finalization.

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations." Psalm 89:1

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

A Rough Spot

I have hit a bit of a rough spot over this past week regarding our adoption wait. I have been completely unmotivated to do much of anything. Emotionally, I have been at a low point and there have been days where I just felt like crawling in bed and crying. I have several posts in my drafts, but haven't felt motivated to write anything. I wish I could explain why I feel this way. I feel like my emotions fluctuate based on the receiving of information. After we got an update and then new pictures, I was on an emotional high. I could barely contain my excitement. I felt so hopeful and the wait didn't seem so bad. But as time has passed from our last bit of news, there has been a steady descent in my emotional state. It all begins to feel so far off again and I feel as if I will never be holding our son. Ultimately, I think what I am feeling is that Joshua doesn't feel as "real." I am longing for a connection with him and right now the only way I am able to feel that connection is through updates and pictures.

How I wish Eastern and our agency, though it is probably mostly in Eastern's control, could establish a regular schedule for giving updates on our children. It would be so much better if I knew I was going to get an update every 3 months. Then I wouldn't have to wait and hope to receive one every month. I would know when to expect them. This is the number one thing I would tell our adoption agency if given the chance to let them know how they could help the wait. Number two, would be allowing us to send more care packages. Our agency only allows us to send two packages over the course of our 11 month wait. Other agencies allow families to send one every month. I have heard that the foster moms judge how much a family loves a child based on the number of care packages they send. And unfortunately, I don't think they are aware what agency we are with and our particular agency's rules. This absolutely kills me to think that Joshua's foster mother would think we don't love him.

Speaking of care packages, I am getting ready to send Joshua his second one, which I am trying to time for his birthday in April. Hopefully, this will provide a bit of a pick-me-up for a while.

But ultimately, I know where my true pick-me-up comes from.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

For Lisa

I returned from my trip to some incredibly devastating news. I will share about our trip and post pictures another time. This post is for Lisa, who lost her precious little one last week. We prayed for a miracle, but her baby is with the Lord. Something I never shared before in any detail was that after we lost Johannah, John and I had a service for our baby so that we could say good-bye. We went out on the Choctawhatchee Bay with our dear friends Dan and Monica and held a service on their boat. We read a poem, sang "It is Well with my Soul," prayed, and read Psalm 42. I wrote in my journal that I chose it because it expressed our heartache over our loss, but also the hope we have in the Lord.

 

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

 There are no words to adequately express this heartache and my sorrow for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa.

Lend Me Your Hope

I came across this poem recently. It described well how I was feeling while I was "in the valley."

Lend Me Your Hope (Author Unknown)


Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn.

Looking ahead to future times
does not bring forth images of renewed hope.

I see troubled times,
pain-filled days,
and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.

Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings,
recovery seems so far distant.
The road to healing
seems like a long and lonely one.
Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.

Stand by me,
offer me your presence,
your heart and your love.
Acknowledge my pain,
it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed
with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for a while.
A time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal,
hope and love with others.

I am not sure about the Author Unknown part. I read on another website that this is based on a poem called "Borrowed Hope" by Eloise Cole so I want to give her credit.

I can't say I completely relate to all aspects of this poem. I know where to turn. I know the Lord has not and will not leave me nor forsake me. The Lord has promised this and He is faithful to all He has promised. And I know He has a plan for us and I continue to hope in the Lord.

But there are times on this journey when I feel overwhelmed with sadness and uncertainty. At those times I feel like I need to borrow some hope.

To be truthful, I always thought my family and friends would say, "maybe it's not God's will for you to be parents." But they never have. I remember saying "if I become a mom" to one of my sisters one time, and her correcting me saying, "when you become a mom." In that moment she lent me her hope.

And after my last post, many of you lent me your hope. And in the process, mine was renewed. Thank you friends.

Searching for the Quickest Path

Another cycle has passed. This one wasn’t as hard as the last one. I had a bit of a revelation as to why I have been having such a hard time recently. I thought I was “at peace” with not ever experiencing pregnancy. It was what we told our social worker. It felt true at the time. So what was going on? I realize now that when we got the news about the delay in the adoption, my mind began to race around searching for the quickest possibly path to a child. I was trying to find a way to make it happen. A miracle pregnancy that would bring forth a child in 9 months seemed like my best (and by best I mean quickest) option. Ever since we got the news, I have been hoping God would do a miracle and rescue me from this situation. And when I am not thinking about a miracle pregnancy, I am wondering why we can’t get a phone call, as several others I know have, making us parents in a matter of hours. I have been begging God to intervene in some way. The other thing I realized is that it has only been a year since we were officially "done" with infertility treatment. For me the grief comes in waves. I don't know if it is possible to grieve such a big loss as this all at once.

The truth is I have been a bit of a mess lately - sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes jealous, and often grieving. I always felt so strong in this battle, but now I fear it may overwhelm me.

The news about our adoption rocked my world, and not in a good way. I don't think I realized how much it had affected me until this past week. The other night I was discussing all this with John. He responded that he felt we were just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and he began to list off the series of losses that have occurred for us throughout this journey. This news rocketed me out of the comfortable secure place I was in mentally and emotionally. I really don’t understand why it has affected me this way. But suddenly, international adoption became much less of a sure thing for me. It became vulnerable. Truthfully, it always was. I knew that any number of things could cause disruptions in international adoption (like say a war between North Korea and South Korea) and even a birth mother changing her mind after you receive a referral. I knew all of this before, but for once I wasn’t concerned about it. This was going to be our time. It was finally going to happen for us. I could hope and dream. And in an email it came crashing down. For reasons, I can’t entirely explain it no longer seems real to me. Adoption now feels abstract, distant, an occurrence that may or may not happen someday.

But I want to hope again.

I want to be excited again.

I want to dream again.

P.S. I am sorry I have been such a bad blog friend lately in terms of offering support and comments. My heart has just been very heavy lately and I haven't had the strength. Morningsun, I will answer your question regarding whether we would ever do IVF again in an upcoming post.

Latest Issue of Stepping Stones - Hope Lifts Us Up

I just received the most recent issue of the Stepping Stones newsletter. Stepping Stones is a ministry of Bethany Christian Services whose mission is to support Christian couples facing infertility and/or pregnancy loss. They publish a newsletter which is sent out six times a year, 4 by mail and twice by email. It has been a tremendous blessing and encouragement to me. If you are struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss and have not already signed up to receive it, I would encourage you to do so by going here.

The latest issue has an article entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up" by Kat Smith. She writes about how walking the difficult road of infertility has caused her to question hope and the difficulty of understanding verses like Rom 5:5 which says "hope does not disappoint" when each month a cycle of hope and despair is repeated. She goes on to write of her experience walking through Hallmark, and I am guessing many of you will relate to this, I know I do, and seeing the Willow Tree figurines and then looking away. They are such a painful reminder of what we don't yet have. But then she sees one called "Hope Lifts Us Up" and can't stop thinking about it. The thing is hope is confusing to her, it almost seems like she plays a game with hope each month, and so she continues to pray about it. She thinks about asking her husband to buy her this particular figurine because it brought peace to her. But without knowing any of this, her sister ends up giving her this exact figurine. This reminded her that God hears her and says to her, "Hold onto Hope." He had not forgotten her.

And He has not forgotten us.

Back in December I had to attend a briefing with my boss. Afterward we went to lunch, but the restaurant we chose was not yet open. So we popped into one of those quaint little stores with all kinds of knick knacks. And of course they had Willow Tree figurines. I glanced at them and was about to look away when I saw one with a little boy holding a balloon that said "hope." I could not help but pick it up to admire it. Fast forward to after Christmas when my boss returns from her Christmas vacation and presents me with a beautifully wrapped box. I open it and what is inside but the Willow Tree figurine called "Hope Lifts Us Up" that I had admired:


I have it displayed on my bookshelf in my living room to remind me to keep hoping. I love that the little boy is looking up toward heaven because that is where we find "hope that does not disappoint." We find it in the One who knows the plans He has for us (Jer 29:11), whose will is good, pleasing, and perfect (Rom 12:2), who will fulfill all His purposes for us (Psalm 138:8), and is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).

I asked John the other day if he thought it was okay to get excited about the adoption and if it was okay to dream about names and nursery themes. He said yes :) I think I just needed his reassurance.

And so I am. I am hoping. I am dreaming. We are meant to hope.

Hope

One year ago today, I wrote this post:

Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.

I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:

20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.

"Yet I still dare to hope..."

For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.

After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31

I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

This past year I also found hope in God's word.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5

Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."

I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18

These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.

Formal Application Submitted!!!

Not the best picture of me, but it captures the moment right before we submitted the formal application to Bethany. Amazingly, I was able to get it done from start to finish yesterday and submit it well before the October 10th deadline. Despite having to study, John was able to come down and help me with the more challenging parts. Have you ever been to a counselor? Uh, yes..... Anyway, I was very grateful for his guidance and input. We were able to answer together as to why we want to adopt which I think was very important to be able to do. I am so excited to be finally taking a step forward. I was also able to order extra copies of our birth certificates and marriage license so we have them ready when we need them. Our next step is an informal interview and then I believe we start assembling our packet - physicals, child protective services clearance, motor vehicle records, etc. I continue to feel less anxious and overwhelmed by the adoption process. I have not yet reached the point where I can picture it happening, being a mom that is, but I continue to hope and trust in the Lord.

"We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you" Psalm 33: 20-22.

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

We Have Fertilization!

I got the call from Dr. K's office this morning around 9:00. It was so nice to get this call early in the day rather than having to wait all day to hear the report. I didn't even have time to start worrying :) In actuality, I am far less worried this cycle. The Lord has given me peace and trust that it is all in His hands.

• 16 of the 17 eggs retrieved were mature
• 8 were frozen using the experimental quick freeze procedure I mentioned yesterday - I think it is safe to say that no matter what the outcome is of this cycle, this was my last egg retrieval
  
• 8 were injected
• 5 fertilized - this is the same number we had last IVF, you can read how encouraged I was by having 5 last cycle here, I can't help but be encouraged this time as well - it reminds me that God knows me and He cares for me

David was working this morning rather than Suzanne, the embryologist. She is the one who did our ICSI yesterday. She told David to tell me that things looked better this time. I don't know if this means we had some without the abnormality this time or just had it to a lesser degree. I should have more information when I speak with her tomorrow when she calls to give me the report on our embryos. But I am definitely feeling more hopeful.

"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

Waiting

I keep thinking of that song "the waiting's the hardest part" and I am finding it to be so true.

Bed rest was not so bad. The instructions that I was given stated strict bed rest for 3 days, but then when we talked to the doctor on Friday after transfer, he said it didn't need to be strict, that I could get up and get food or move from room to room. I wish they wouldn't give conflicting instructions, it leads to confusion and then you stress is it really okay if I do this or that. I did get up several times, but for the most part I stayed on the couch. My doctor says research shows that bed rest does not improve pregnancy rates. I mostly read and watched movies. When I had gotten home from the transfer on Friday, I was surprised by several gift bags/boxes that friends had brought in while we were gone. They contained books, movies, and all kinds of stuff to help keep me busy during the 2ww (2 week wait). So I dug into those and watched several of the movies, a number of which were quite funny, which brings me to the "crazy" that has been going on in my head. When I laugh, I think "maybe all that jostling isn't good for them." When I get up, I can't help but think "are they going to fall out?" I'm fairly certain these thoughts are pretty common to women going through infertility treatment. I think we all worry that we are going to mess things up somehow. I have to remind myself who is in control and continue to put every care before God every minute (someone called and reminded me of this just this morning, but I will get to that later).

Yesterday, I worked on getting my house back in order and caught up on some emails. I was really struggling throughout the day to maintain a hopeful attitude. I was feeling depressed and thinking that the result is going to be negative. Finally, I just had to get out of the house so I went to the book store and then shoe shopping since I had some birthday money to spend. Unfortunately, even shoe shopping didn't cheer me up. I knew my attitude was not right, but I was in that place where all you can do is say "Lord, help." And He did. This morning I got a call from a lady who saw the advertisement for our support group in the church bulletin. She offered to give her testimony to our group so I asked her if she would mind sharing it with me first. Too often, I have heard stories from women who said well I couldn't get pregnant, but then I tried ________ and I got pregnant. While those stories are great, I feel like they are not what women experiencing IF need since only God knows His plan for each of us. It was not one of those kind of stories. It was the kind that reminds you that even though you may have already or you may in the future experience loss upon loss, God is in control. There is a plan, there is a hopeful plan, and though it may be hard to see why the plan is hopeful at the time, His plan for you is hopeful, good, and perfect. It was the kind of story that reminds you to be patient, to depend upon God, to put everything before Him every minute of every day, and to have faith in what God can and will do.

So now even though the waiting is still the hardest part, I wait for the Lord. A line from "Great is Thy Faithfulness" (my favorite hymn) comes to mind often, "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow," that is what I am promised.