Feeling So Alone

Alternatively titled, "Crying in Church Every Sunday has Resumed." I hope this post doesn't come off too whiny, I am just feeling very sad and alone right now in regards to our second adoption. It is very rare for anyone to ask me about Jonah or ask how I am doing with the wait to bring him home. And it just makes me feel so alone. I wish people would ask me about it.

I can't help but contrast my current experience with that of a number of expectant moms around me. Their pregnancies are an ongoing topic of conservation, and rightly so. After all, a new life is coming into the world and their family is growing. That is something very exciting and is absolutely cause for celebration.

But our family is growing too. Yet no one asks me about it, which makes me feel like no one cares, like the way our family is being built is unworthy of celebration, that is is somehow "less than."

I realize that a growing belly gives a visible reminder of the upcoming event, and therefore prompts conversation. And I realize that no one has had the intention of being uncaring or hurting me. I write this post, not to criticize, but to say I need support too. I too want to celebrate what is happening in my family.

The thing is there are a lot of differences in growing your family by adoption versus the traditional way. I don't have a growing belly - other than when I let adoption stress get the better of me and start stress eating ;) - to remind me that my family is about to change. The new life, in our case, is already here, growing up half way around the world without us. We have no due date, only a hope and a prayer of when he will join our family. These things are very hard and make the adoption wait absolutely agonizing at times.

So if you know someone that is waiting to bring home a child by adoption please reach out to them, celebrate with them, joyfully anticipate the arrival of their child with them. Let them know you care, offer a word of encouragement, and most of all pray for them (and let them know you are praying). And if you know me, please ask me about Jonah. I have 2 sons, one is Joshua, and the other is Jonah. One has been home almost a year, the other will hopefully be home some time next year. Both are cause for celebration and both deserve to be joyfully anticipated every bit as much as a child that joins a family by birth.

A Day of Unexpected News

I am having a really hard time right now. It seems like everywhere I go lately, I am reminded of babies and pregnancy. We currently have house guests staying with us while they house hunt. We are not super close with them, but I have to say I wasn't expecting them to show up at our house with an obvious baby bump we had heard nothing about. I guess they didn't know how to tell us. Then I just got terrible news from our Korea program coordinator. After we receive a referral in 6-9 months, we will have to wait another 9-11 months to travel to Korea to pick up our child. If we take the average of both times, we will now be waiting at least 18 months. When I was pregnant, I dreamed of setting up our nursery in our third bedroom. When we first moved in, the third bedroom sat empty for quite a while, a painful reminder of what was not to be. But the one thought I was consoling myself with was that I would not leave here (we are due to move in May 2011) with empty arms. Now it looks like I will be. We will again move and still not have a child. It is hard to even write this. I am crying as I do. I am so afraid of the Korea program going the way China did, where the wait just keeps getting longer and longer. It use to take 1 year to adopt from China, now I have heard it takes 5 years. The reason given for the delay was this:

"This is due to the Korean government (Ministry of Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs) emigration permission issuance quota that ESWS has been assigned. Based on the number of children who have already been matched, the quota will be exhausted before the processing of the April 1 (and after)-submitted families occurs."

So basically families that have accepted a referral after April 1st will not get to travel this year and so this is going to push everyone back.

I had begun to pray that the Korean government would change their policy on issuing quotas even before I got this news. I am going to continue to pray that they change this policy. I feel it is only hurting the children. These are children who were available for domestic adoption in Korea and were not adopted who have now ALREADY been matched with families. I understand their desire to cut down and possibly eliminate international adoptions, but I really don't see how this helps accomplish this goal.

I am really trying to trust God with this. I know His timing is perfect. But I am just so sad.

The Sorrow in my Heart

In my last post, I asked how long I would carry this sorrow in my heart. I think this question is one I am really struggling with right now. These last several days I have been so sad and I wonder if it will always be this way. Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, children - they have all been on my mind lately. I have always been more upset by the idea of not having children as opposed to the idea of not being pregnant. But lately I have been thinking about pregnancy too. I am sure that the fact that it is my time of the month isn't helping any with all these emotions. It is a monthly reminder of what has not happened and will likely never happen. I think that is the hard part though. I believe in miracles. I believe that with God all things are possible. Nothing is too hard for Him. But therein lies the problem. I never completely give up hope of becoming pregnant. Almost every month the question of "what if..." is there. I believe that it is best to finish fertility treatments before moving forward with adoption and this is what we have done. I have also grieved the loss of conceiving a child with John and experiencing pregnancy and childbirth. We have sought to accept that we will likely never have a biological child. But when you believe in a God of miracles, do you ever fully accept this? Are we meant to? Should we always hold out hope that God will do a miracle? It is not that adoption is in anyway a lesser choice, but the desire to bear children is a powerful one. Proverbs 30:15-16 says,

"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'

Like I never have before, I am having to surrender this desire to the Lord. I believe He has led us to adopt and I continue to pursue that path, believing it is God's best for us. But I do wonder, once we have adopted and no longer have the sorrow of childlessness, will it be better? Will I be able to go to baby showers? Will others' birth stories cause me the pain they now do? Will a book or a movie that depicts an interaction between parent and child that goes unnoticed by most people be the knife in my heart it is now? Will I be able to go to MOPS and hang out with all the other moms like a normal person? These questions remain unanswered for now. But I do know I want this sorrow to be gone. I can't carry it any more. Lord, please heal me, please take this sorrow from my heart.

I am once again brought before the Lord in prayer. It is the only place to go. He is the only One who can change our situation. Lord, glorify your Name as you fulfill your purpose for our family.

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

BFN - So Sad

We made it to DC at about 7 last night after sitting in absolutely horrendous (even by DC standards) traffic for about 3 hours. All it takes is a little rain in DC and people go nuts. After unloading the cars, John went out to the store to pick up dinner and a pregnancy test. He got pack that had 3 for the price of 2 - he knows me too well. Anyway, I took one last night and one this morning - both negative. We are just so sad. I am 11 days post 3 day transfer so if it was going to be positive it would more than likely show up by now. I will keep taking my meds until I get the official results on Monday, but I am not anticipating that the results will be any different.

Better? Part 2

I said at the end of my last post that I no longer was angry with God over the m/c, but I should probably mention I still did have some anger at IF. The anger wasn't really towards God or anyone else, just anger at the situation. I have never really grieved IF itself until now and anger is part of every grief process. I also found myself getting easily annoyed and irritated with people. This may have been somewhat caused by my hormones going a little crazy, but whatever the cause, the irritability along with just general anger over IF was causing me to have to fight the urge to yell at random people in the commissary (military grocery store for my civilian readers), at the movie theater, and basically any place else I went. At this point I felt like God was telling me to step back from things, that I needed time alone with Him to heal. Initially, I had tried to jump right back in to my ladies Bible study and had tried to venture out with friends. I knew church itself would be too painful so I hadn't even tried to go back to church at this point, but I was also feeling really guilty about that decision. About this time I came across this post on Beth's blog and the Lord really spoke to me through it. She said,

“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”

She wrote this based on the following passage from Luke.

Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

I believe these words were meant for me. It also confirmed something else the Lord had previously revealed to me. I have been reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" since the end of last year each morning. On the morning of January 13th (which was when we found out Johannah had no heartbeat) before I went in for my doctor's appointment I remember thinking this exact thought before I read that morning's devotion, "I wonder if God has a special word for me today." And this is what I read,

"Have You Ever Been Alone with God?

His solitude with us. When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us."

Whoa, that didn't sound like anything I wanted to hear right before my first OB appointment. And so at the time I brushed it off thinking surely God must mean this for some other time or better yet for some time in the past. But it was meant for this time and He told me to go back and read it again. I did not go back to church, I stopped attending my ladies Bible study, and I stepped back from social outings. I should mention that I did not completely shut myself off from everyone, I still attended my small group Bible study, I still met with each week with my grief counselor, and I still kept in contact with people through blogs and emails. But I began to spend more time with the Lord studying the Bible, praying, and listening to worship music. As I was obedient to the Lord, He began to reveal things to me. The thing about grief is that it doesn't go away, it will wait for you. When you experience a new loss, any unresolved grief from previous losses will pop right back up, "Hey, remember me? Yup, I'm still here." The Lord showed that there were other issues that still had to be dealt with. He has been taking me through a healing process by working me through the first of these issues. He has shown me that I need to surrender it all to Him, every bit of hurt and pain and allow Him to use it however He chooses. I can't hold on to it anymore. This process has only just begun, but already God has brought about tremendous healing and truly set me free from some things. I don't know if this would have happened if we had not lost Johannah, so as much as I wish we had not lost her, I am thankful for how God has used it for good.

I would not say I am fully healed, but there were a couple of things that God really used to bring about a great deal of healing. One of these is meeting with a grief counselor from my church on a weekly basis. I think I will write a separate post on this because I have much more to say about this. The other thing that helped me a great deal was to hold a service for Johannah. I know this might seem like a weird thing to do to some people, but it was so healing for me. I may write about this in more detail later. The morning of her service I was able to write her a letter to say good-bye for now. Having the service and writing the letter really unlocked the tears that were needing to come out. The day after the service is when we went to the beach and wrote her name in the sand (see picture below). After this I was able to have some good cries and I definitely felt such tremendous sadness over our loss. When John left for Peru on the 13th my plan was to take time alone to grieve some more. I spent the first 3-4 days after he left alone to allow myself time to grieve, but I was surprised that I didn't need to cry more than I did. I wouldn't say I am all cried out, I still miss her all the time and I know there will be hard times ahead, especially around her due date. But I think I have reached the point of acceptance of our loss. I was able to go back to church the past 2 Sundays and I started to go back to my ladies Bible study (not sure about this one yet). So this pretty much sums up things up until this point.