19 Months of Waiting....

...has almost come to an end! We leave VERY soon for Korea. We will meet Jonah on August 23rd in Korea (9pm Eastern, 6pm AZ time on August 22nd in the U.S.). Immediately following our meeting with Jonah, we will meet with Joshua's foster mother and possibly foster father. I am hoping he will be there; Joshua was very close to him and even though it may be difficult, I think it may be good for Joshua to see him.

Whether to visit with Joshua's foster family was a difficult decision. Many kids from Korea seem to enjoy looking at pictures of their foster family, but Joshua completely shutdown after coming home and did not want to look at them. He went through a period around 16 months home where he would finally look at their pictures and even hung them on the refrigerator, but that didn't last long. When I would ask Joshua if he wanted to visit them, he would tell me no. We have been praying about this and asking others to pray. We have seen God move in answer to prayer. Joshua has been talking about going to Korea, even telling his teacher he was going on "two airplanes" when she asked if he was going on an airplane to Korea. And when I asked him who we were going to visit, he told me, "Mrs. Choi" and seemed completely at peace about it.

We have also seen God moving in preparing Joshua's heart for having a brother. Prior to very recently, Joshua would answer no when asked if he wanted a brother. Now whenever we read a story that has a mommy animal and two babies, he says, "That's me, that's Jonah, and that's you." :-)

After our meetings, we will sight-see and hopefully have at least one other meeting with Jonah. We go to court on August 28th at 2:30pm (1:30 am Eastern, 10:30 pm AZ time). So pray for us before you go to bed on August 27th!

We would appreciate your prayers so much. We have already seen how God is working in answer to them. Please pray for:

• Safe, smooth travel and for Joshua to do well on the long flights
• Meetings with Jonah and his foster mom go well, able to ask questions and get answers that will help tell his story of his life in Korea
• Meeting with Joshua's foster family go well, no anxiety for Joshua, and for him to be open to them
• Fun time as a family in Korea seeing the sights
• Court appearance go well and that we would be able to satisfactorily answer the judges questions and receive quick approval
• Joshua be well behaved in Court!!!

I can't believe we will finally be in Korea meeting Jonah! Here he is receiving his 2nd birthday care package - love his little smile. Can't wait to meet my sweet boy!

"Done in"

This is how we are feeling regarding the adoption process right now, completely done in. John and I are both feeling so very weary of this process, to the point that we don't think we can ever do it again. We are tired of the emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty, the waiting, the lack of forward movement (for anyone, not just us). I am tired of the constant search for any shred of information that might shed light on why this process has come to a halt and when it might start moving again. And most of all I am tired of watching our son grow up in pictures, and yet I am can't stop checking my email for new pictures. Jonah turned 22 months old yesterday. With almost one hundred percent certainty we can now say that we will miss his second birthday, something I could not have even fathomed at the beginning of this year.  We have been waiting almost 16 months to bring him home. By comparison, we waited 11 months after referral acceptance for Joshua.

Since my last post, the emotional roller coaster has continued. At the end of March, we found out that Jonah's birth mom was contacted to confirm relinquishment. I wrote about this here. This news was definitely bittersweet. We felt relief that we would be able to move forward with his adoption, but also great sadness because I would never wish or pray for a child to lose their mother. We heard from other adoptive families that a court official was present during the interview to ensure that relinquishment was really what she wanted and that there was no coercion. We were also asked to provide more paperwork at this time and were told we would be submitted for Emigration Permission (EP) soon. The month of April came and went with no EP news and no Family Court approvals. There were several families that were given April court dates, but they were canceled after the court decided we didn't need to appear in court.

Near the end of April, the courts changed their minds and summoned several families to appear in court at the end of May. But there was still no word on EP submission for us. Then on May 1st, we heard that the EP quota for 2013 had finally been released and we were told once again that we would be submitted for EP "soon," supposedly at the beginning of this month. All week I have been hoping to hear the news that our paperwork has been submitted, but it has not come.

In the meantime, the Family Court in Korea has decided that all families, both husband and wife, must appear in court. So we are right back where we started at the beginning of March. We are happy to appear in court and answer any questions; we just want this process to move forward. While we do still have concerns about how this is going to work out and the unexpected financial costs, the greatest stressor has been been removed because unlike before when both parents would be required to stay in country for 3-4 weeks, it appears that 2 shorter trips will be now be allowed or one parent could leave after the court appearance and the other stay. We do still have concerns about bringing Joshua back, but with the delays he will have been home for about 2 years before we bring Jonah home so I think he will be more ready to go back to Korea for a visit. Logistically, we still don't know how this is all going to work out. The first families (waiting since December 2011) now have court dates ranging from the end of May through mid-June. Hopefully, we will learn more once these families go through the process.

Yes, I know Jonah will be worth the wait. Yes, I know God's timing is perfect, but it doesn't make this process less difficult. It has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I have been overwhelmed and at times even a little depressed. I feel like I haven't been there for some of my friends who are also going through struggles. I feel like I have been a terrible friend, aunt, sister, daughter, terrible in pretty much any other role I have other than my immediate roles as wife and mom.

As always, prayers are so appreciated, for the process, for Jonah, and for us.

"Firsts"

In my last post, I wrote about my sadness over missing many of Jonah's "firsts." During our wait for Joshua, I wrote something similar here.

While it is true that we missed many of the big firsts and there is some sadness associated with that, there are so many more firsts we have gotten to experience and will experience in the future. I thought I would celebrate a few of them.

First time trying to ride a tricycle (not quite tall enough):

First living room fort:

Discovering that the pantry is a fun place to hide:

First Air Show:

First super hero cape:

First time being "tortured" by one of his cousins:

First PB&J:

Discovering pockets for the first time:

First bowl of cereal:

First "tattoo":

First imaginative play moment, he would fill up his pail, put it on his arm and tell me bye!:

"Discovering" ants for the first time:

I have truly cherished each one of these moments. I thank God every day for the privilege of being Joshua's mom. Missing so many of the most talked about firsts has made these smaller firsts that much more special to me. I especially love seeing him make new discoveries.

If you are waiting for your child to come home, especially those of you waiting on your first little one, I hope you will be encouraged as you see that there are so many wonderful first moments ahead of you. I love this post by Lisa which lists even more of them.

Much Better

I am feeling so much better. I really appreciate every one who reached out in a comment or on Facebook after my previous post. And as always I especially appreciate those who are praying for us. I loved Melissa's comment on that post about how it is up to us to open up dialog; I completely agree and found that linking the post on Facebook really did just that. For me, it is often easier to write out my feelings first as opposed to trying to open up this type of dialog in person. I knew many people were not asking anything because they thought it might bother me. So I knew that it was up to me to let people know. One thing I learned during our long battle with infertility is that most people don't know how to support you or what you need; you have to let them know.

As a follow up on asking about the adoption process, one thing I didn't say before, but I know is something that many adoptive parents feel and something I most definitely felt myself when we were in the process for Joshua, is that the question, "When?" may not be the best thing to ask. This tends to be the question most often asked, but it is the one that is most difficult for us to answer. Usually, we have an estimated time frame, but it is just that an estimate. And usually it doesn't change much so my answer will be the same each time I am asked. When you are feeling frustrated over the wait or finding it particularly difficult it is hard to keep answering the question of when.

I also wanted to clarify what I said about pregnancy. I think it was clear to most people, but just to make it absolutely clear, what I was saying was in NO way about having a problem with pregnancy. I was simply contrasting my experience with that of other expectant moms. What it was really about was feeling sad over missing Jonah, triggered mainly by him turning one. We have missed a year of his life. Developmentally, Jonah is much much further ahead of where Joshua was at one year of age, which makes me feel like I am missing so much more of his life. This, coupled with the fact that we have another 7 or even 8 months more before we bring him home, had me grieving the loss of the parts of his life we are missing. I know we will have so many more "firsts" with him, but I think it is healthy and natural to grieve and let go of the parts we have missed.

I also felt like I neglected to acknowledge all the amazing support I have received in the past and could be receiving now from adoption forums and Facebook adoption groups (these hadn't started yet when we were in the process for Joshua). I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the adoption forum when I was waiting for Joshua, but now that I am a mom I am not able to spend as much time on these boards giving and receiving support. I know that as the time nears for us to travel, I will probably be on them more, but it is also nice to feel supported by those you see in your daily circle.

Feeling So Alone

Alternatively titled, "Crying in Church Every Sunday has Resumed." I hope this post doesn't come off too whiny, I am just feeling very sad and alone right now in regards to our second adoption. It is very rare for anyone to ask me about Jonah or ask how I am doing with the wait to bring him home. And it just makes me feel so alone. I wish people would ask me about it.

I can't help but contrast my current experience with that of a number of expectant moms around me. Their pregnancies are an ongoing topic of conservation, and rightly so. After all, a new life is coming into the world and their family is growing. That is something very exciting and is absolutely cause for celebration.

But our family is growing too. Yet no one asks me about it, which makes me feel like no one cares, like the way our family is being built is unworthy of celebration, that is is somehow "less than."

I realize that a growing belly gives a visible reminder of the upcoming event, and therefore prompts conversation. And I realize that no one has had the intention of being uncaring or hurting me. I write this post, not to criticize, but to say I need support too. I too want to celebrate what is happening in my family.

The thing is there are a lot of differences in growing your family by adoption versus the traditional way. I don't have a growing belly - other than when I let adoption stress get the better of me and start stress eating ;) - to remind me that my family is about to change. The new life, in our case, is already here, growing up half way around the world without us. We have no due date, only a hope and a prayer of when he will join our family. These things are very hard and make the adoption wait absolutely agonizing at times.

So if you know someone that is waiting to bring home a child by adoption please reach out to them, celebrate with them, joyfully anticipate the arrival of their child with them. Let them know you care, offer a word of encouragement, and most of all pray for them (and let them know you are praying). And if you know me, please ask me about Jonah. I have 2 sons, one is Joshua, and the other is Jonah. One has been home almost a year, the other will hopefully be home some time next year. Both are cause for celebration and both deserve to be joyfully anticipated every bit as much as a child that joins a family by birth.

Sickness and Such

Wow, I can't believe February is almost over already. The only thing that makes me happy about that is the EP process is supposed to start up again this month. I am hoping and praying daily with all of my friends who are waiting on their little ones to come home from Korea. A number of these families have been matched with their children since December 2010. At this point, they are going to wait at least 15 months to bring home their children - it is just heartbreaking. Even though we are also waiting, in many ways it doesn't feel like it because barring some sort of miracle we really have no hope of traveling to bring Jonah home this year.

February started out fantastically with a visit from my dad and stepmom (Papa and MeMe). Joshua did really well with them and seemed less anxious than with our first overnight visitor (Grandma - my mom). I am hoping he becomes more and more comfortable with having new people here because we like to have house guests whenever we can. My stepmom is my favorite picture taker. Over the years, she has captured some of my favorite photos of John and I. She was also the one I turned to when we needed to take a family photo for our adoption application. During their visit, she took some family photos and also some pictures of Joshua and I, since I don't have many of those being that I am the picture taker in our family. I will post them later, but I have to share one of my favorites now.

Following their visit, we have had a rough couple of weeks. Joshua got very sick. At first it seemed like a cold, but by day three, I was rushing him to the doctor's office with wheezing and increased respirations. The only reason we didn't end up in the ER is because I get VIP treatment at John's work from one of his colleagues. I am so grateful. Joshua's oxygen level was very low. It took 3 breathing treatments, plus oral steroids to get it back up, but even then he was still wheezing. Our NP put us on around the clock breathing treatments plus inhaled steroids. That particular week, John was working 12 hours shifts due to a base exercise so he wasn't able to help out at night at all. Needless to say I was exhausted. The next morning we ended up going to the ER because he was still wheezing. Thankfully, some time between me deciding to bring him in and the doctor seeing him, the second dose of oral steroid kicked in. Because this is now the third time this has happened, Joshua's NP has put him on inhaled steroids permanently as a preventative measure. Joshua has major risk factors for asthma, and it is looking like he probably has it.

Joshua recovered after several days and is now doing well. I got sick immediately after that, sicker than I have been in a very long time. Or maybe it just felt like that with it being my first experience with being sick as a mom. Miserable. I was running a fever and was endlessly blowing my nose, pretty sure it was RSV. I just wanted to lay on the couch and go to sleep, but not possible. I even tried to put on a movie for Joshua to see if he would sit and watch it and let me rest, bu no go. I was literally in tears. Never have I wished my mom lived near me more. While we have started to make friends here, I still don't feel like I have anyone to call in a situation like this (my friend Christy lives an hour away so a little far to help in this type of situation).

In the midst of all this Joshua started cutting his last canine tooth. I don't know how it is for others, but teething has been really difficult for us. Even with Ibuprofen, it really bothers Joshua. He usually sleeps through the night, but when he is teething his sleep is disturbed and he will wake up around 4am most nights, maybe the pain killers wearing off? I can get him back to sleep, but it leaves us both very tired. Also, his personality completely changes. My sweet happy little boy is replaced by a very irritable and very fussy little boy. I was literally at my whits end by the end of this past week and just desperate for a break. We haven't reached a point where we feel comfortable leaving Joshua with anyone yet, so I don't really ever get a break. Most of the time, I am completely okay with that, but after these past couple of weeks I really needed one. Thankfully, John was able to give me a break this past Saturday - got my haircut, went to Target by myself, then went to a 31 party. It was just what I needed.

This week begins another week of 12 hour shifts for John, which actually means he will be gone for at least 13 hours (often more). These weeks are very hard on both of us. If you could, would you pray for us this week?

Travel Call!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the call at 6:12am this morning! I literally started shrieking when I heard the phone ring. Then I heard those words I have waited so long to hear, "It's time to go!" She actually called us last knowing the time difference, but wondered if it was too early. It wasn't! I actually woke up at 4:45 and thought, "It's 6:45 in Minnesota, I bet Jill is almost at work."

We still have to book our flight but I would like to leave on Sunday or Monday if possible.

I have been crying off and on all morning - it's so emotional knowing that this journey is finally coming to a close.

I can't wait to start the next journey as a mom (finally!!!!) to Joshua JoonSeo.

"The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:3

Getting Closer!!!

This morning I woke up extra early to call the VISA office in Washington, DC to see if I could find out if Joshua had his VISA interview scheduled soon.

The lady said, "He is very cute!" That means his picture is in their system so he has already made his embassy appearance.

And, his VISA interview is scheduled for August 23rd!!!!! Tomorrow, it will be August 23rd in Korea!

What does this all mean? It means we will probably have our travel call by the end of the week!!!!!!

We will probably wait about 1 week before actually traveling.

Our other good news, which is pretty much overshadowed by this far better news, is that our home study got certified by the court last week, so it is done!!!

Last week was a busy week, hence my lack of blogging. I have been working on final preparations, but I still have more to do so I had better get a move on. :-)

Good News on the Horizon?!!!

MPAK is reporting that the EP process has started to flow again in Korea!!!!

This EP situation had created a great deal of uncertainty for me, and for many of the other families who are waiting to bring their children home. Many of us began to wonder not WHEN our children would come home, but IF they would ever come home. I think this news has made us all feel more hopeful.

Once we receive EP and Joshua's passport, we only have about 1-4 weeks more before our travel call!

Come on phone ring!!!

New Photos to Ease the Pain

It is hard to believe that as of this past Thursday we have been waiting 12 weeks for EP, and as of Friday it has been 10 months since our referral acceptance paperwork went to Korea. Never would I have imagined that we wouldn't have EP by now. I actually thought we would have our travel call by this point. The wait has been getting harder every day. I was doing fairly well up until recently. When we were back in Maryland I was working, traveling, spending time with friends, going to Bible studies or prayer meetings, or taking Korean language lessons. Then I was busy with the move. But now that things have slowed down and we are settled in, I am feeling the sadness and loneliness of a new place and I am really missing all my friends. But even more so, I am wanting to have Joshua home. My heart literally aches. I am bored, restless, and feeling very alone.

But there was a bright spot last week. After the great update we received (previous post), we got new pictures!!! Not sure how old he is, to me he looks younger than in the photos we were emailed at 14 months, but older than the last official update photos we received (see this post).

I think I may have my photos to embarrass him with by showing them to his friends when he is older :-) Gotta love that elephant outfit! ;-)

Please keep us in prayer regarding this EP situation.

Stronger

The song Stronger by Mandisa was shared on another site with those of us caught up in this EP mess. I don't think I had ever heard it before, but it has really been ministering to me, especially these lines.

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever

I don't understand why for us building a family is such a long hard process. But I am trying to lay this down before the Lord and trust that He has a plan and a purpose in all this. I am trying not to let fear in; the fear that Joshua is never going to come home has been trying to creep in. But I have to hold on to the hope that he will, in God's perfect timing.

John is still waiting to be credentialed so he can start practicing and because of that he decided to take leave this week. We are going to take some time to get away from it all, so I may not be on the internet much over the next few days.

We continue to ask for your prayers. We are going on week 11 of waiting for Joshua's EP.

8 Weeks Today

Yes, as of today we have been waiting 8 weeks for EP approval. This is our agency's maximum estimate of how long it should take to receive EP approval and passport. The house is now unpacked and almost everything is in its place, just some finishing touches left to do. But I am just ready for my phone to ring. I have been praying we receive EP approval soon and would ask for your prayers as well.

I am trying not to feel anxious about it, but I just want to go get our little boy. The thing is, we still aren't completely ready, I still have some final purchases to make of things we need and I need to finish his room. But I don't even care, which is quite a departure from my usual perfectionism. I am learning to let go and realizing it really will be okay if everything isn't perfect. I know we will make lots of mistakes and we have much to learn about parenting. I am just ready to get started. I want to meet Joshua and start our lives together.

I am also a little worried about our transition and how it will go. Joshua is losing everything he has ever known: his country, his language, and the family who has loved and cared for him since he got out of the NICU. And this is on top of already losing his birth family. When I know a difficult time is coming, I like to face it head on and begin dealing with it as soon as possible. Not that his grief will be a one-time occurrence, most likely it is something we will be helping our son cope with throughout his life as he processes all his losses, but the initial transition period of getting to know each other and bonding as we become a family may be especially difficult. I am just ready to get it started.

Hoping my phone rings very soon with good news!

A Heavy Heart

I am at another low point in this wait. Nothing is happening and I have no news to report. We hit the 6 month mark on our wait while I was in Turkey. That news should make me happy, we are now over the half-way mark, assuming the maximum wait time of 11 months that we were told. In some ways it does make me happy, but in other ways in makes me incredibly anxious because I want to know WHEN we will travel, especially with our upcoming move (most likely to Tucson, AZ) hanging over my head. I just want to get there already and get settled in to our new house - of course we have to find one first. I keep reminding myself that the Lord's timing is perfect - we will travel at the time we are meant to. I am just hoping the Lord's perfect timing is August :-)

I think the main reason I am having trouble right now is that we haven't had an update on Joshua since we got the news he was hospitalized in January. I feel depressed every time I log-in to the adoption forum I belong to or read other blogs. It seems everyone is getting spontaneous updates (even video) and we have received nothing, which is just so frustrating. We are allowed to request 2 updates; we requested one in the fall shortly after we accepted the referral and I went ahead and emailed our social worker this morning to request a first birthday update. At the last update, Joshua was on track developmentally for his adjusted age, but was far behind what I have seen others reporting from updates on their kiddos. I keep fearing that Joshua hasn't caught up yet and that is why they aren't telling us anything. I know this fear is most likely completely irrational, but unfortunately these thoughts keep popping in my head. Please pray we receive an update and new pictures soon. I am desperate to hear some news about him. I need to know he is more than a figment of my imagination. I need to know how he is doing.

Joshua will turn one on Saturday. The first birthday, called Dol (돌), is a really big deal in Korea, so I am happy Joshua will get to celebrate it in Korea with his foster family. You can read more about this celebration here. While I wish we could have known Joshua during his first year of life, we have so many moments to look forward to with him. But my heart is heavy this week as I think about someone who has lost far more than I - his birthmother. I find myself grieving for her frequently. I can't even think of her without crying. I think often of the terrible pain she must have experienced after he was born when she had to let him go and the agony she has experienced since. No, I don't know for sure what she has or is feeling, but personally I am bothered when others minimize the pain I believe the vast majority of women experience when they are compelled to relinquish a child (whether because of societal or their own personal issues). Okay, I am off my soapbox now.

I will spend this Saturday in Florida surrounded by family and friends at my second shower. I can't help but wonder if she will be alone that day or if she has anyone to share her pain with. All I can do right now is pray for her and later honor her as we raise Joshua, keeping a place for her in our lives always.

Please keep her and Joshua in your prayers this week.

I am in Turkey!

Just a little note to say I arrived safely in Turkey yesterday (Thursday) evening. My flight was great - loved Turkish Airlines and I had no problems at all with getting a VISA and going through immigration/customs. I was pretty intimidated by the whole process since this was my first time traveling internationally. I am viewing it as good practice for the most important international trip of all - picking up our son. In the airport at Dulles, they have all the flags of the various countries hanging near the departure gates and right next to the Turkish flag was the flag of South Korea. I couldn't help but think about the fact that the next time I travel internationally it will be to bring Joshua home.

I am in Turkey visiting my friend Wendi, whose husband is assigned here (Air Force). The last time I saw her was when she and her family stayed at my house before they left for Turkey last July. I am having so much fun catching up with her. This trip was part of my "waiting time, not wasted time" plans after we got the news that are wait until travel time was going to be double what we initially anticipated.

The part of Turkey where they live is not much of a tourist destination, so we won't do a ton of sightseeing, but I will get to experience some of the local Turkish culture. We also have a trip planned to Cappadocia to see the underground cities and fairy chimneys which I am very excited about. And we are going to go to Tarsus. I am so excited about seeing the place where the apostle Paul is from.

I am not sure how much I will be blogging over the next week, but I look forward to catching up with everyone once I get back!

A Rough Spot

I have hit a bit of a rough spot over this past week regarding our adoption wait. I have been completely unmotivated to do much of anything. Emotionally, I have been at a low point and there have been days where I just felt like crawling in bed and crying. I have several posts in my drafts, but haven't felt motivated to write anything. I wish I could explain why I feel this way. I feel like my emotions fluctuate based on the receiving of information. After we got an update and then new pictures, I was on an emotional high. I could barely contain my excitement. I felt so hopeful and the wait didn't seem so bad. But as time has passed from our last bit of news, there has been a steady descent in my emotional state. It all begins to feel so far off again and I feel as if I will never be holding our son. Ultimately, I think what I am feeling is that Joshua doesn't feel as "real." I am longing for a connection with him and right now the only way I am able to feel that connection is through updates and pictures.

How I wish Eastern and our agency, though it is probably mostly in Eastern's control, could establish a regular schedule for giving updates on our children. It would be so much better if I knew I was going to get an update every 3 months. Then I wouldn't have to wait and hope to receive one every month. I would know when to expect them. This is the number one thing I would tell our adoption agency if given the chance to let them know how they could help the wait. Number two, would be allowing us to send more care packages. Our agency only allows us to send two packages over the course of our 11 month wait. Other agencies allow families to send one every month. I have heard that the foster moms judge how much a family loves a child based on the number of care packages they send. And unfortunately, I don't think they are aware what agency we are with and our particular agency's rules. This absolutely kills me to think that Joshua's foster mother would think we don't love him.

Speaking of care packages, I am getting ready to send Joshua his second one, which I am trying to time for his birthday in April. Hopefully, this will provide a bit of a pick-me-up for a while.

But ultimately, I know where my true pick-me-up comes from.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

4 Months Down

Today we have officially been waiting 4 months of an estimated 11 months until we travel.

Assuming the estimated wait time is correct, we have at most 7 more months to go before bringing Joshua home.

After 6 years of waiting, 7 months is feeling like nothing. Right now it seems like the shortest wait we have had. I think it is because for the first time, we have a definite endpoint.

I also know that in the months to come, this waiting is going to feel like to longest wait of the entire 6-7 years we have been waiting for a child. Because now we are waiting for our son. We have seen his picture. We are longing to hold him. And as we  get closer to finally having him in our arms, I have no doubt the waiting will become incredibly difficult.

But for now, I am enjoying the anticipation of motherhood. I am enjoying showing off his picture (to pretty much anyone and everyone!) and I am enjoying beginning to prepare. Initially, I felt bad that I didn't feel ready to even begin the process of preparing as we waited for a referral. Even after we received a referral, John asked me to wait until after Christmas to begin preparing because he felt like having a bunch of baby stuff in our house and no baby would just make him too sad. But now I am so happy that I am completely unprepared because it gives me something to do during this last leg of the wait.

4 down, 7 to go!

Waiting for an Update and Next Steps

One month ago yesterday I requested an update on Joshua from our adoption agency. They said they would request one from Eastern. I have been checking my email every day hoping it would be there, but unfortunately there has been nothing. I followed up yesterday and all I heard back from them was that there was no update yet. It has been agonizing. I was hoping we would receive one after he turned 6 months old, but nothing came. He turned 7 months old. Still nothing. I feel like a dog begging for even a scrap of information about our son. In a way I wish I hadn't even asked for the update. Maybe it would have been better to just not think about it. Every morning I stand in front of our refrigerator looking at his picture, running my fingers along his face, and praying for God to watch over him. I want so badly to hear how he is doing. I want so badly to see an updated picture of him.

I am asking for your prayers for us to receive an update on Joshua soon.

I have heard a well intentioned comment about how our wait is just like "waiting" to meet your child when you are pregnant. Except it is not at all. When you are pregnant you are experiencing every moment with your child from conception until you bring them into the world. Your child is not already living while you miss their first smile, their first time rolling over, their first time sitting up, their first bite of food, their first word, their first time crawling, their first time standing up, and their first steps. We will miss every one of these moments with Joshua. So no, it is not at all like the nine month wait to meet your child when you are pregnant. Don't worry if you have said this, I promise you are not the only one, and I understand the sentiment behind the statement.

There was one bit of good news yesterday - we received our I600A approval! I was actually praying about it that very morning and on my way home from work, I asked the Lord for something, anything, to help me know we are moving forward. And then our approval letter was there in the mail. Thank you Lord! This is the visa approval that allows Joshua to come to the U.S. Basically, all processing with the U.S. government is now complete.

Yesterday, I was asked what was the next step as far as bringing Joshua home. Now that we have received our I600 approval, it will be sent to the National Visa Center (NVC). They will process the visa and send it to the U.S. Embassy in Korea. There is something else I have seen called P3 (not sure what this means, but I think it happens fairly quickly). Then we wait. We have to wait for Joshua's exit permit to be submitted and granted, then his visa will be issued. This is where the delay happened (the one I wrote about in April) due to the emigration permission quota. South Korea issues a certain number of emigration permissions each year which they divide up among the 4 adoption  agencies in Korea. The agency our U.S. agency is affiliated with used up all their EPs and now every one whose referral acceptance paperwork went to Korea after April 1st has to wait until the 2011 EPs are issued to travel. They will begin processing them in the order the referral paperwork arrived in Korea. Since there are many families waiting ahead of us, Joshua most likely won't receive exit permission until July, which means we won't travel until at least August. This is my best guess at this point (hopefully it is a conservative one).

Thank you for your prayers!

6 Months Old

Joshua turns six months old today.

I never realized how hard it would be to miss out on parenting him from birth, especially since I have always had more of an affinity for toddlers than babies. But now that it is no longer the idea of missing out on a child's first year, but the actuality of missing out on our son's first year, it is hard. Sometimes I look at this picture and think about the fact that I am never going to get to hold him while he is still a little baby as he is here with his foster mother. I cropped out her face not to diminish her role in his life in any way, but to respect her privacy in case she would not want her picture on my blog. And since I can't ask her if it would be okay until I meet her when we go to Korea, I decided to crop the picture for the purpose of posting it here.

Joshua has already taken his place in our hearts and we can't wait to have him home with us. This wait is definitely not going to be easy.

What really helped ease the pain of today was meeting up with Jen (I met her through our adoption agency). We met up at Panera Bread and then walked around the mall. What a blessing to meet another sister in Christ traveling the same road and to be able to support, encourage, and pray for one another. She also blessed me with the book "A Mother for Choco" to celebrate our referral. I can't wait to read it to Joshua!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

"Waiting Time" not "Wasted Time"

Since getting the unexpected news that we will be waiting longer to adopt from Korea than we originally expected, I have been thinking a lot about how I want to use this time. I knew almost immediately after getting the news that I had to use this time in a positive way. I could choose to sit around and wallow in my sorrows or I could do some things I have always wanted to do. I don't want this "waiting time" to be "wasted time." I have to live the life I have, not put my life on hold until I have the life I want. And so I began to think about some things I would like to do.

The first thing on my list is to take an official and very long overdue honeymoon with my husband. He was in school when we got married, taking one of the prerequisites for his nursing degree, so we only got to have a long weekend away. After he was done with nursing school, he joined the Air Force, and then we were geographically separated for 15 months, and then infertility. We have had lots of weekends away by ourselves and other trips to visit family, but we have never gone on a week long trip with just the two of us. I feel like this is our last shot to take a real honeymoon. I should have enough leave saved up by December so the plan is take a trip over John's Christmas break. Location to be decided. I am definitely open for suggestions.

The second thing on my list is visiting my friend Wendi in Turkey. Her husband is a physician in the clinic where John was a nurse when we were stationed at Eglin. We initially bonded over our shared struggle with infertility, but she quickly became one of my closest friends. She has been such an amazing friend to me, always giving support and encouragement just when I need it. She and her husband, along with their two little miracles, are being assigned to Incirlik Air Base in Turkey this summer. Even before getting the news about the adoption delay, we had talked about having a "kill the time until the little one comes party" in Turkey. But I was wondering how it would work out time wise because "the call" to travel to Korea could have come when I was there. Now that won't be an issue. I am planning on leaving my job 2-3 months before we move to our next assignment, which will be next spring. So the plan is to go at that time. I can't wait! I have actually never traveled outside of the U.S.

The next thing on my list (and I promise this is the last travel related one!) is to go on a short term mission trip. I am praying for God's leading on this one. My heart has been touched by God for East Asia, but I am open to whatever opportunity He presents.

I mentioned that I had an information meeting last night in my previous post. It was for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Team in Training. I am going to be training to run a half marathon! And of course also raising funds and supporting The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I have never said a lot about this before on my blog, but in early 2008, my family received the devastating news that my sister had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I called her last night to tell her about this before telling anyone else. I could tell she was really excited about it and it meant a lot to her. She is now over 18 months cancer free, praise God! Training for a marathon has been something I have wanted to do for a very long time. So after last week, I said why not now. And why not do it and at the same time raise money for a disease that has touched my family and so many others. I am starting with a half marathon and hopefully I can work up to a marathon and a triathlon later. I am going the run the Rock 'n' Roll Virginia Beach half marathon (13.1 miles) on September 5th. The kick off event is next Saturday morning and then training starts after that. I am going to try and start pre-training this week. Believe me, I need it. I have been so sporadic in my exercising since starting back to work.

Other things on my list are to go horseback riding, which I haven't done since I was a child and take advantage of all Washington, DC has to offer as far as museums and shows. I really want to go see a show or concert at Wolftrap.

Tomorrow John and I are heading to Richmond for an overnight trip. This is partly to give us a chance to reconnect after his very difficult school semester and partly to celebrate our "family of two" (love this Stacey) instead of dwelling on what we don't have. We try to plan something fun to do together on Mother's Day because it is such a difficult time of year for me.

I hope you all have a great weekend! I am praying for you my friends. For those of you celebrating your first Mother's Day as a mom, I hope it is a joyous celebration for you!

First Adoption Interview Next Week

I got an email today from our adoption agency! We have been assigned our social worker. It turns out the gal we have been working with to get all our paperwork done is also doing her internship for her Masters in Social Work and she has been assigned to us. I am pretty excited by this since we already know her and have a rapport with her. Plus, she is really nice :)

We will have 2 visits with her, one in her office and one in our home. The first visit should be next week at 9 AM. She said it will last 2-3 hours. I think we will each be interviewed separately and then jointly.

This process has definitely taken longer than I thought it would. All this waiting with no moving forward has been really difficult. But I know it has been for the best because it has enabled me to experience a time of healing and preparation.

My excitement has definitely returned!

Please pray for us regarding next week's interview. Please pray for us to have the right words and for us not to be too nervous.

I was thinking tonight about how blessed I am to be a part of this blogging community. I don't know what I would do without all of you!