Deployment

I have struggled to write this post so much, I don't want it to be real I guess. Plus, I have a tendency to shutdown after difficult news, often withdrawing from family and friends and finding it difficult to write for a while.

We found out in August that John is going to be deployed to Afghanistan. Orders are now in hand, so any hope we had of it being canceled is now gone. I can't get into specifics as far as exactly when and where, but I will say that in all likelihood he will miss Jonah's homecoming. Even now, I can't write this without starting to cry. Jonah will be two before he meets his daddy.

To say this news devastated me feels like an understatement. I am heartbroken over it.

I wrote the following to a few friends the day after we received the news. It captures my feelings well.

I am so so scared of going through the transition period when Jonah is grieving hard and adjusting by myself. I still haven't written about everything we went through with Joshua, but it was REALLY HARD, especially the first 5 months. I really don't know how I am going to do it by myself. Never have I felt less capable or up to something in my life. We had a middle of the road transition experience with Joshua, not the most difficult, but most certainly not the easiest. I am asking God for His great mercy in this for an easy transition with Jonah. When he first comes home, I won't be able to allow anyone else to help with Jonah for bonding purposes, so if he is up screaming and crying, it is going to be all me. I need your prayers, for strength, for comfort, for peace. I just can't believe John won't be here to experience this with me. I am heartbroken that John won't get to meet his son for several months at least. And I don't know how we are going to transition to being a family of four once John is home.

I don't really know what else to say. I am sad. I am scared, for John's safety, for the bond between John and Joshua, for how Jonah will transition and how he will respond to daddy coming home.

As I have so often in the past, I sought comfort from the Lord through His word; He immediately led me to Psalm 29:11,

 "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

I believe it is His promise to me during this time. I really have never felt less capable of anything in my life, but I believe that God is faithful and He will supply all that I need during this time.

We would be so thankful for your prayers for our family and for John's safety.

A Morning Date

This morning John and I had a short date, our first with a babysitter for Joshua. In January, when my mom was here we sneaked out for a dinner date after Joshua was in bed. It was wonderful! But we haven't felt ready to try a babysitter.

For the first 4 months home we didn't leave Joshua at all. At 4 months home when we switched churches, we decided to give church nursery a try. I know some people would be of the opinion that this is a little early to leave your child and others have probably already left their child in someone else's care by this point. Obviously, every child is different and everyone has different circumstances. Some people have to return to work. Others, like us, live in a place where they have no family and few friends. Our new church meets in a high school, so it really doesn't have a true cry room, just a space in the back of the auditorium which really only works for little babies. The choice was either continue to miss church as I had been doing to stay with Joshua or give it a try. Spiritually, I felt like I was in desperate need of this time to worship the Lord with my husband. Our church has a number of other adoptive moms and after asking their opinions we decided to go for it. My gut told me Joshua was ready for it, but I was so nervous. In the end, Joshua didn't cry at all. The same can't be said for me. I think he was a little anxious, but no more than any other child his age going to the nursery. The other thing I really watched for was any disturbances in his sleep. I knew if there was an issue it would come out in his sleep, either by lots of wake-ups with crying as it was in the beginning or a night terror. Thankfully, neither occurred. We were also invited to join a small group. One of the coolest things about this group is that every family in the group except one has adopted a child or is in the process of adopting. There are actually two other families with kids from Korea in the group! We meet on Sunday evenings and young lady named Imani from our church watches the kids in the family room while the adults have our study in the front room. It couldn't be a more perfect situation for our family. We are so grateful for the Lord's provision in this because we were so desperate for fellowship with other believers. We are finally feeling connected here in Tucson.

Imani has been watching Joshua on Sunday evenings for almost 3 months now and he has gotten quite comfortable with her. We have had a number of people offer to babysit for us when we were ready, but it was really hard for me to take anyone up on their offer. I just wasn't ready to take the plunge. Finally, last Sunday we ran into Imani after church service. This never has never happened before and it was as if the Lord orchestrated it. I felt His gentle nudge and knew it was time to ask her. She came over this morning and John and I went out for just over 2 hours. This way we would be home in time to put Joshua down for his nap. We went for bagels and coffee which we took to a nearby National Park. We climbed up on some rocks overlooking the park and just ate and talked. Then we went for a drive and stopped by a farmer's market. It was truly wonderful.

It got me thinking though. Sometimes I hear people say to couples dealing with infertility that you just have to enjoy the extra time you have together as a couple, and that is true to a certain extent. But something about that statement has never fully sat well with me. This morning I realized why. It is hard to enjoy that time when there is a huge gaping wound in your heart. That hole is ever present. For us, it was there for such a long time that it is hard to remember a time when it wasn't there. But this morning I got to feel what it feels like to go out with your husband and not have that hole present. And it was glorious.

The Lord has healed my heart and made me a joyful mother (Psalm 113:9). Thank you Lord!

Then and Now

The first 3 photos are from October after Joshua had been home for about a month. The last one is from January of this year and is one of my favorite photos. I love it because it shows how far we have come. Often I feel like people want to dismiss the pain and trauma experienced by children in adoption. I feel like there is a tendency for many people to look at the first photos and say well he's just nervous about the swing - it's a normal childhood issue. I am certain it is normal for some children. But not for Joshua. If there is one thing my son loves it is to be swung, and have the sensation of flying through the air or falling. Not only that, but he was a child that by all reports was fearless. We specifically asked his foster mother if there was anything he was afraid of, there was not. I believe with all my heart that fear entered Joshua's life when he went through the trauma of losing his foster family, language, country, culture, and pretty much everything else he was familiar with. And I hate that for him. He has experienced more pain at less than 2 years old than some people experience in a lifetime. I wish I could fix it. But I can't. All I can do is walk beside him through it and pray daily for the Lord to deliver him from fear and heal the broken places in his heart.

By no means is it "all better now" but we've come a long way - praise God!

Sleep Issues

Sorry for my lack of updates. The difficulties I mentioned in my last post have actually increased. Sleep has become a major challenge. Joshua really hasn't done much grieving in his waking hours (1 bad night, 1 slightly less bad night, and 1 morning), but at night he has been grieving quite a bit, at least that is what I think it is. We had our first post-placement visit this past Saturday and our social worker was definitely in agreement with me when we discussed it with her. I actually think he is half asleep when he does his grieving. Getting him to sleep takes about an hour and afterward I am just exhausted and not really up for blogging. And at nap time I usually need to sleep or try to get a few things done around the house. John and I were taking turns so that is what enabled me to update the blog in the beginning, but now he is back to work. I will really try though. I feel like this past week has been a blur and has just zoomed by. I feel like I am in survival mode right now.

It's like his little body just can't wind down. Often it seems like he knows its night time and even wants to go to sleep, but can't. Other times he fights going to sleep. Once he's asleep he usually sleeps soundly for a few hours, but then begins to fuss and cry in his sleep off and on. This is where I think he is grieving. If he comes out of a deep sleep he cries and when he is going to sleep prior to reaching a deep sleep he cries. He was on a paci in Korea and the information we received said that he would whimper in the early morning hours and his foster mother would give him the paci. He is doing way more than whimpering now and it isn't just in the early morning hours, but often from 12am until waking up for the day. I am up several times a night as a result. He is also waking up for a night time feeding which he didn't do in Korea, but I think it is because he only slept from 12am to 7am in Korea, so his little body isn't used to going that long without food. We try to put him to bed around 8pm and then he will wake up anywhere from 2 -5 am for a feeding (in addition to the other times). After I feed him, I rock him back to sleep and then he is up for the day anywhere from 5:30-7:30am. I am trying to watch for patterns to see if there is anything we do in the day that seems to bother him, for example I think going for a walk in the evening may not be a good thing for him right now and makes for an especially difficult bedtime. We really haven't left the house much except to go to the doctor (3 times total for labs and tuberculosis test) and once to the grocery store. When we've gone somewhere he gets really quiet, which is not how he usually is, so I think any new situation is making him very anxious. For now, we are going to continue to stay very close to home. Since the night sleeping schedule is all over the place, the day time sleeping schedule is as well. I believe kids do best on routine and its killing me that I haven't been able to get him on a consistent schedule yet. I think I probably need to let go of my expectations for this right now. Anyway, I hope this jumbled up post makes some sense. Prayers would be appreciated!

Even with the sleep issues, I am still enjoying my little guy so much. I still can't get over how blessed I am. John went back to work yesterday making it my first official day as a SAHM. Sunday night was actually a good night sleep-wise and so it was a wonderful day. However, there was a poopy in the pool situation. Suddenly, I am looking and thinking what it all that stuff floating around in the pool. Go ahead and laugh, I would.

And I did. I think that is one of the blessings of infertility. You can laugh and take delight in situations that would probably frustrate others because you know that in order for there to be a poopy in the pool there is a child that created the poopy. And that is something to be grateful for. There are so many ladies waiting on the blessing of a child who would give anything to clean up poopy pool situations and have sleepless nights. When I am up at night I have been trying to use the time to pray, to thank God for blessing us with Joshua and to pray for my family and friends.

Hopefully, tonight will be a good night and I will upload pictures during nap time tomorrow.

A New Year

It may have seemed strange for me to say as I did here that the new year didn't really begin for me until January 14th, but it is absolutely how I felt. When I awoke on that day, it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I know now that all the sadness and uncertainty I was experiencing were an "anniversary reaction." I felt so guilty for having these feelings when I should be excited about Joshua's homecoming.

The excitement that had been alluding me has finally come. In fact, I was almost giddy with excitement on Friday as I thought about the fact that this is the year we will bring Joshua home. As part of that giant leap forward, I gave my notice at work on that same day. I will be officially transitioning to my new role as a wife and homemaker (and soon to be stay-at-home mom!) on March 11th. I am so excited!

As I look ahead to this upcoming year, there is still some uncertainty, especially in regards to where we will be moving and when  in the midst of all that Joshua will be coming home. Will we get our travel call before we move? My friend Joia wrote about having a word goal for the year which inspired me to choose my word for this year.

My word for 2011 is:

Trust

Definition of Trust

intransitive verb

1 a : to place confidence : depend
   b : to be confident : hope
2: to sell or deliver on credit

transitive verb

1 a : to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
   b : to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
2 a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe
   b : to place confidence in : rely on
   c : to hope or expect confidently
3 : to extend credit to

And my verse for this year,

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3

The Lord is faithful and I know I can put my trust in Him for all that this year will bring.

Grateful

I could literally feel the prayers today.

Thank you.

It meant everything to me. His peace was with me all day long.

And tomorrow is another day - a brighter day.

Because of the LORD’s great love 

we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness.  

Lamentations 3:22-23

I just read on another blog that today is Korean American Day. And that makes me smile.

Remembering

I have been wanting to write a "good-bye 2010, hello 2011" post, but have really been struggling with it. It probably didn't help matters that I started off the year with a sinus infection and my monthly friend. But I guess what it really comes down to is I am feeling guilty that I haven't been able to write a hope-filled post about how excited I am it's 2011. The truth is my predominant emotion about this upcoming year has been uncertainty. There just feels like there are so many unknowns right now. We are due to move (as a result of John's military service) in less than five months and we have absolutely no idea where that is going to be. And even though I know intellectually that this is the year we will most likely bring Joshua home, it doesn't feel like it right now. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it all just feels so far off and unreal.

The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.

However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.

For Lisa

I returned from my trip to some incredibly devastating news. I will share about our trip and post pictures another time. This post is for Lisa, who lost her precious little one last week. We prayed for a miracle, but her baby is with the Lord. Something I never shared before in any detail was that after we lost Johannah, John and I had a service for our baby so that we could say good-bye. We went out on the Choctawhatchee Bay with our dear friends Dan and Monica and held a service on their boat. We read a poem, sang "It is Well with my Soul," prayed, and read Psalm 42. I wrote in my journal that I chose it because it expressed our heartache over our loss, but also the hope we have in the Lord.

 

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

 There are no words to adequately express this heartache and my sorrow for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa.

Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.

Searching for the Quickest Path

Another cycle has passed. This one wasn’t as hard as the last one. I had a bit of a revelation as to why I have been having such a hard time recently. I thought I was “at peace” with not ever experiencing pregnancy. It was what we told our social worker. It felt true at the time. So what was going on? I realize now that when we got the news about the delay in the adoption, my mind began to race around searching for the quickest possibly path to a child. I was trying to find a way to make it happen. A miracle pregnancy that would bring forth a child in 9 months seemed like my best (and by best I mean quickest) option. Ever since we got the news, I have been hoping God would do a miracle and rescue me from this situation. And when I am not thinking about a miracle pregnancy, I am wondering why we can’t get a phone call, as several others I know have, making us parents in a matter of hours. I have been begging God to intervene in some way. The other thing I realized is that it has only been a year since we were officially "done" with infertility treatment. For me the grief comes in waves. I don't know if it is possible to grieve such a big loss as this all at once.

The truth is I have been a bit of a mess lately - sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes jealous, and often grieving. I always felt so strong in this battle, but now I fear it may overwhelm me.

The news about our adoption rocked my world, and not in a good way. I don't think I realized how much it had affected me until this past week. The other night I was discussing all this with John. He responded that he felt we were just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and he began to list off the series of losses that have occurred for us throughout this journey. This news rocketed me out of the comfortable secure place I was in mentally and emotionally. I really don’t understand why it has affected me this way. But suddenly, international adoption became much less of a sure thing for me. It became vulnerable. Truthfully, it always was. I knew that any number of things could cause disruptions in international adoption (like say a war between North Korea and South Korea) and even a birth mother changing her mind after you receive a referral. I knew all of this before, but for once I wasn’t concerned about it. This was going to be our time. It was finally going to happen for us. I could hope and dream. And in an email it came crashing down. For reasons, I can’t entirely explain it no longer seems real to me. Adoption now feels abstract, distant, an occurrence that may or may not happen someday.

But I want to hope again.

I want to be excited again.

I want to dream again.

P.S. I am sorry I have been such a bad blog friend lately in terms of offering support and comments. My heart has just been very heavy lately and I haven't had the strength. Morningsun, I will answer your question regarding whether we would ever do IVF again in an upcoming post.

A Day of Unexpected News

I am having a really hard time right now. It seems like everywhere I go lately, I am reminded of babies and pregnancy. We currently have house guests staying with us while they house hunt. We are not super close with them, but I have to say I wasn't expecting them to show up at our house with an obvious baby bump we had heard nothing about. I guess they didn't know how to tell us. Then I just got terrible news from our Korea program coordinator. After we receive a referral in 6-9 months, we will have to wait another 9-11 months to travel to Korea to pick up our child. If we take the average of both times, we will now be waiting at least 18 months. When I was pregnant, I dreamed of setting up our nursery in our third bedroom. When we first moved in, the third bedroom sat empty for quite a while, a painful reminder of what was not to be. But the one thought I was consoling myself with was that I would not leave here (we are due to move in May 2011) with empty arms. Now it looks like I will be. We will again move and still not have a child. It is hard to even write this. I am crying as I do. I am so afraid of the Korea program going the way China did, where the wait just keeps getting longer and longer. It use to take 1 year to adopt from China, now I have heard it takes 5 years. The reason given for the delay was this:

"This is due to the Korean government (Ministry of Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs) emigration permission issuance quota that ESWS has been assigned. Based on the number of children who have already been matched, the quota will be exhausted before the processing of the April 1 (and after)-submitted families occurs."

So basically families that have accepted a referral after April 1st will not get to travel this year and so this is going to push everyone back.

I had begun to pray that the Korean government would change their policy on issuing quotas even before I got this news. I am going to continue to pray that they change this policy. I feel it is only hurting the children. These are children who were available for domestic adoption in Korea and were not adopted who have now ALREADY been matched with families. I understand their desire to cut down and possibly eliminate international adoptions, but I really don't see how this helps accomplish this goal.

I am really trying to trust God with this. I know His timing is perfect. But I am just so sad.

Joy is Coming

Life feels very busy lately! Now that we have gotten through the main part of the adoption paperwork (and the fact that I have pretty much given up on trying to complete all my homework and reading for my class (Perspectives on the World Christian movement) at church - it is too much!), I have been trying to catch up with friends. Friday night two of my closest friends came over and we spent some time praying together. I have many friends who are single and desiring to be married. In almost every area of my life - friends, work, church, and family - I know of people desiring marriage. I have had a strong desire to be praying for all of them lately so it was a blessing to be able to pray with my friends about this. On Sunday, I went to a bridal shower for another friend. It was wonderful to see friends that I don't usually get to see since we don't live near each other.

However, there were parts of the bridal shower that were hard for me. And I hate feeling like this. As it often does at these type of events, talk turns to how many children the couple "plans" to have. Someone said a beautiful prayer for the bride-to-be. In the prayer, she asked the Lord to make their marriage fruitful and produce children. There is nothing wrong with this at all, I always pray for friends who are getting married to not experience infertility. But I found myself wondering why the Lord hasn't allowed our marriage to be "fruitful." And why for most people they get to "plan" how many children they will have and when they will have them. At times like these, I have a tendency to fall back into old thought patterns, thinking that maybe it is because I am unworthy of God's blessing and maybe if I had been a better person we would experience His blessing of children. I know thoughts like these are wrong. The blessings we receive are because God is good, not because of anything we do. Sometimes it is hard not to let my thoughts get away from me wondering why we have to walk this difficult path. Today I happened to hear a song on A's blog (Lisa also posted about it) by Josh Wilson that really spoke to me. These lyrics in particular really jumped out at me:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

The pain of now can't compare to the joy that is coming! I am holding on to this right now. Listen to "Before the morning" below.

A Closed Door

Last Thursday, while I was at work, I received the news that we won't be adopting Y. This was the designated adoption from South Korea I wrote about here and here. In the post from January (the second link), I wrote about how I wasn't sure what was best and had begun to pray that C be able to parent Y. As I began to learn more and more about the losses of adoption, I became less and less convinced it would really be best for us to adopt Y. The toddler age it one of the most difficult for such a loss to occur. I truly know and believe that this is for the best. Thinking about Y losing her mother was absolutely heartbreaking to me. I am so happy she will not have to go through this. But at the same time, I was sad for us. Even though I had begun to have doubts about the situation and in many ways I feel the Lord prepared me for it, I was still very sad. Even though I tried not to get too attached, Y took up residence in my heart. I know what people mean when they say a child "grew in my heart" rather than their womb. I had begun to picture her as our daughter. I ended up having to leave work early after hearing the news. My boss tried to comfort me by saying what good news it was that we were approved and that we will have a child soon. But what she didn't understand is that it was about THIS child. And I needed time to grieve this loss, however intangible it was.

I took the rest of the afternoon and evening to process everything. I even did some journaling to get my thoughts out. I actually could see a number of positives. First, the situation with Y put us on the path of Korean adoption, which I still believe is the right path for us. More and more I feel that domestic adoption in the state of Maryland was not the right choice for us (30 days until parental rights are terminated). Second, there was a quick resolution after we received approval and so we didn't have to keep wondering which path we were going down. In addition, we will mostly like be able to adopt a younger child, 10 months to 1 year old, so we will be able to bond and attach sooner. And of course, Y gets to stay with her mom, in her own culture and country.

Friday morning, I got a pregnancy announcement (one I had been anticipating and am very happy about), but it was one of those times where I felt like I couldn't take anything else. Pregnancy announcements are not about being envious or jealous, for me they jolt me out of my denial and remind me of this hurt and longing in my heart. I question God - why have we been chosen to walk this path and why are we still waiting. As far as Y, I questioned why God brought her into our life, only to take her. The truth is I am weak and fearful. My faith was shaken. I began to wonder whether God would lead us toward Korean adoption and then take it from us as well. It was so clear that God orchestrated the entire situation with Y and yet it was not to be. It reminded me of our first IVF when we felt so clearly led by God and then we miscarried. I often start my day off at work by reading Blackaby Ministries International Day by Day devotional. On Friday, the devotion for the day was, "God’s Ways Are Not Our Ways" on Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

This was the exact verse that was a comfort to me after my miscarriage. Even when we are following God's will, things don't always turn out as we think they will, God's thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not His ways. It was exactly the reminder I needed.

I was encouraged by my hubby and my cousin's faith that YES we will have a child. I needed to borrow their faith, because I was certainly lacking. I had to repent and confess my weakness, fear, and lack of faith to the Lord.

I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him.

Lord, please take away my worry and fear. Help me to trust you more.

Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

A Painful Realization

For quite some time I have felt adoption was the right path for us. Even before we went through treatment I felt this way. I am still very excited about adopting and want to build our family through adoption. But recently I realized I am struggling with some adoption losses. I think I was quick to embrace adoption after our last treatment and in fact talked more about adoption during our second treatment cycle than I did about the possibility of conceiving a biological child. Maybe I didn't really give it enough time after my miscarriage. Mentally I was completely unprepared for another pregnancy after we lost Johannah so maybe I was too quick to think I was okay with never achieving pregnancy. After all denial is my favorite coping mechanism :)

Now that more time has passed and a great deal of healing has occurred, I am finding I think more about pregnancy. Reading books that go over developmental stages and how the particular stage impacts adoption has made me think about all that we may miss out on by not adopting a baby. As I have said before, being a mom has always been more important to me than being pregnant and I have always loved toddlers (call me crazy!) so we are open to adopting a child that is not a baby. But these losses are really hitting me right now.

And so the big realization:

Adoption won't fix infertility.

Some of these losses will remain. Adoption and infertility are two separate things. In our adoption class we talked about the gains and losses of adoption for all members of the adoption triad. I must grieve and accept the losses. But I know that the Lord is able to heal me and bring true peace. As difficult as it is right now for me to envision a time when the sight of a pregnant woman is not a source of pain, I know that is is possible. Even if I never experience pregnancy and childbirth myself, it is possible, for with God all things are possible. So I am asking God to heal me and prepare me for the family He has for me, whether through adoption or childbirth, or even both.

As part of seeking the Lord's healing, I am rereading Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward and doing the study guide at the end. It is meant for those no longer going through infertility treatment (though I read it the first time just before I started treatment). Since I am now at the point the book was meant to address, I thought I could benefit from a second reading. I may post about some of what I learn in upcoming posts, but for now this Scripture from chapter 1:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3.

Acceptance, Laughter, and Infertility Drawers

First I wanted to thank every one for their support last week. The comments and emails were such an encouragement to me. On Tuesday morning, one of my friends came by with flowers and cards from my friends here in DC which was such a wonderful surprise. It meant so much to both John and I to know that people were thinking of us and praying for us. I believe the Lord truly answered those prayers. In many ways the days leading up to last week were more difficult than the day itself. Once the day was upon me, I had a greater sense of peace and acceptance. Don't get me wrong, there were still tears shed and I know I will always grieve over Johannah, but there was a sense of closure about the day. Going to Philadelphia with John the weekend prior really helped as well. It enabled us to re-connect after his incredibly difficult summer semester at school. We didn't try to pack too much into the weekend. We saw Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, ate some great dinners, and relaxed on the porch at our B & B. Through all we have been through, we have only grown closer together. I find us laughing together now more than we ever did. I love that. I love to laugh. I think laughing together is one of the most important things a husband and wife can do together through infertility. Find the humor in your circumstances where ever you can.

Overall, I am doing okay, though I am still feeling a little overwhelmed as far as adoption decisions. John has actually been having a very tough time these past couple of weeks. Now that he has finally had a break, infertility and his desire to be a dad has really hit him. This is the longest I have ever seen him stay upset. In "The Infertility Companion - Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility,"* the authors talk about the differences between the way men and women handle infertility. They talked about how women think more globally about infertility, meaning it is connected to all parts of our lives. Men, however, are generally more compartmental. They described men as having an "infertility drawer." When a man opens the drawer, he feels sad, but he can close the drawer and not feel sad and many would like to keep it closed. John and I have always found this to be a useful metaphor for us to understand how we each process and deal with infertility. When John brings up something infertility related, I will often say,"drawer's open?" Of course when it is, I will want to settle in for a heart-to-heart about how we are each feeling and........... drawer's closed :) Anyway, this is the longest the drawer has been opened. I know this is a good thing in some ways because I know John needs to fully grieve the loss of biological children and be fully prepared in his heart to move forward with adoption. But I hate seeing my hubby sad. Please say a prayer for him if you would.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again - I love you all and feel so blessed to be a part of this community. Thank you again.

*The Infertility Companion - Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility is by Sandra L. Glahn and William R. Cutrer. It is published by Zondervan and endorsed by the Christian Medical Association. I found it to be a great resource especially at the onset of treatment.

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Catching Up

It has been a while since I have been able to post regularly so I definitely have some catching up to do. I am also behind on emails so if you haven't heard back from me, I am so sorry. I am hopefully going to get caught up today on emails and all the blogs I read.

John and I are pretty much settled into our new house. I have had several requests for pictures and so I will post some as soon as I can. I wish I had taken some pictures of the house when it was empty. Now that our furniture is here, I, in my perfectionism, want to wait until everything is fully ready and decorated before I post pictures. And now for a recap. We signed our lease on the 16th of May and moved in on the 18th. We only had to wait a few days for our furniture to arrive. Overall, the move went very well. Nothing was lost by the moving company and there was only minor damage to few pieces of furniture. John was able to fix all of it without too much trouble. My crock pot was broken, but that is the only thing that didn't make it through the move. For a military move, I would say we made out very well (I have heard horror stories of couches broken in half - who knew that was even possible). The next week and a half was spent unpacking, setting up, and getting the house decorated. I am pretty much finished except for hanging curtains and a few pieces of artwork that I haven't decided where to put. I also have some shopping to do for new lampshades, a shower curtain, bathroom rugs, curtains, and that sort of thing. I also had some very successful yard sale trips with my cousin. I got 2 matching wooden nightstands for $10 each and a small wooden bookcase for $15. My cousin found a wooden coffee table for our living room for $25 at a thrift store. this enabled me to move our other coffee table to the family room where it looks much better. These finds really filled in the gaps. We did end up buying a cheap TV stand, a bookcase, and a table set for the sun room at Ikea. Our next purchase is a new mattress for our bedroom and then we will move the one we are using now to the guest bedroom. Decorating and setting up a new house is my favorite part of moving so I have been having fun getting set up and seeing things come together. For the most part our house is made up of hand me down furniture, thrift store finds, and stuff from Ikea (their more traditional stuff). I like the challenge of putting it all together so that it hopefully doesn't look like a thrift store.

John started school the day the furniture arrived. Thankfully, it was just an in-processing day that didn't last long so he was able to be here with me when the furniture arrived. The next weekend was a 4-day weekend for the Memorial Day holiday so he had some time off for which I was very thankful. The last week in May they had orientation and classes started the first week in June. John describes it as a fire hose. He and his classmates are incredibly stressed out. They say that the first year is incredibly difficult, with this initial summer term being the most difficult of all. He basically has to learn the entire human anatomy in 10 weeks, plus classes where they discuss the role of the Family Nurse Practitioner, cell biology, and health assessment (giving a physical). When he is not in class, he spends almost all of his time in the lab learning anatomy or studying. I think he is feeling pretty overwhelmed. We actually went to the ER on Thursday night because John woke up in incredible pain from esophageal spasms. He has been having some problems with GERD for a while now. Under stress, the symptoms have really intensified. He was put on some medication so hopefully he will start feeling better very soon. They pretty much tell the spouses not to expect much from their spouse during this time. Thankfully, we have managed to carve out a little time together each week for dinner out, a bike ride, and church. His first test is on Tuesday so say a prayer for John if you would.

As I mentioned previously, we had decided that the best thing for me to do right now was go back to work. I had been working on my Master of Public Health, a program I began in Jan 2007, shortly after getting out of the army. We decided to put my degree on hold while we went through IVF because it was just too much to handle together. If I had gotten pregnant, I would have put my degree on hold even longer to allow me to be a stay-at-home mom. Obviously, that is not happening so I was left with the choice of going back to work or finishing my degree. I absolutely adore the field of public health and I know it is ultimately the area I want to work in. However, I was not thrilled with the program at the school I was attending. It is a new program and I think they are still working out some of the kinks. Also, they are still in the accrediting process. Transferring to a school here in MD is really not an option because the cost of graduate school here is horrendous. Also, we have not giving up our hope of becoming parents and so I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish if we were to become parents. This left me with going back to work. But truly I was dreading the job hunt and my heart really wasn't in it. I asked God for His mercy and He truly provided more than I could have asked or imagined. You can read more about it here. I can't believe the Lord provided a job before I even started looking. I feel truly blessed to have a job in this economy and especially one that matches up so perfectly with my skills and interests. Also, it is only a 15 minute commute! In DC, that is an absolute dream. Many people spend an hour, or even more, each way commuting here in the DC area. For both John and I to have such short commutes is such a blessing. My job is in the Graduate School of Nursing working for one of John's professors. She is doing research on stress, coping, and health promoting behaviors in military spouses. She initially focused on looking at these issues during deployment, but she is interested in looking at how military life in general affects spouses. So I will actually be using much of the skills and knowledge I gained in graduate school. After the interview, which was more like an informational interview than a typical job interview, it was decided that I would start this past Monday. My first week of work went very well and it seems like a pretty good work environment. It was tough getting use to working again and I was pretty tired each day after work (and very sore feet).

In other news, we are still church hunting. We visited the church we use to attend when we lived here before, but we are just not sure that it is where the Lord is leading us. We decided to try the church where my cousin goes because they launched a new campus here in Silver Spring. It is geared towards people in their 20s and 30s, a lot of whom are single. They have a Sunday evening service so we are going there for the second time tonight. Please pray that the Lord leads us to the place He has for us.

I was asked by Alicia if I liked the east coast. I really like the DC area a lot. I was stationed here when I was in the army. This is where John and I met and got married. Also, I was born in West Virginia, and as a child lived in both Maryland and Virginia. I still have several very close friends in the area that were part of my small group (Bible study/fellowship group for those who might not be familiar with the term). I was part of this group when John and I were apart for his first year plus a few months of his time in the Air Force. I was still in the army so I had to finish my time here before I could join him in Florida. These ladies became a very special part of my life. It was my first experience with Christian fellowship and I will never forget it. That being said, I still miss our friends and church in Florida a great deal.

The move and the new job has definitely been a distraction from the news of receiving a BFN from our last IVF cycle. It basically delayed the grieving process. The last week in May, when John was at orientation, I was able to have some time of grieving. In many ways, I am still grieving. I am not grieving the negative so much as the the end of IF treatment and the likelihood that we will never have a biological child. With the news we received last cycle and the fact that it didn't go so well, the negative was expected. We both feel that we have given things our best shot and that we are done with treatment. Even though it was only 2 cycles, I feel like it was the equivalent of 4. Basically, 2 of our cycles ended before they could even start because of the inability of our embryos to make it to be frozen. I see people all over the blogosphere that have 5 day transfers and 5 day freezes with beautiful blasts. The fact that ours can't make it to blast is indicative of a problem that IVF simply cannot overcome. The next step is to cancel out of the shared risk program and give away my leftover drugs. This is a hard step for me because it signifies an acknowledgment that we are at the end of the road. I will post an offer for the drugs very soon. I know that I need to fully grieve the loss of pregnancy and biological parenthood before moving on. However, we feel clear about the direction we are going to be heading in. John and I sense that God is leading us to pursue adoption. In no way do I consider adoption to be second best or plan B. So please don't mistake my grief as saying I have such feelings. I believe adoption is always plan A for those whom God leads to pursue it. I believe that it's just that sometimes you have to go down different paths in order for God to prepare your heart for what He has for you. I believe this is what God has done in our hearts. I will post more about this very soon, but I didn't want to delay posting about being led towards adoption any longer because I know I hinted in an early post about being led in a different direction.

Sorry for such a long post. I will try to be much better about blogging from now on. I need to figure out a new routine now that I am working.

Remembering

This week has been a hard one. Last week I would have reached the halfway point of my pregnancy. We would have found out whether we were having a boy or girl. I think things hit me this week more than last week because one of my blogger friends, whose due date is just a few days after mine would have been, found out she is having a baby girl. I am so happy for her, I am just grieving our loss (I would link to her blog, but it is invite only). So today I am remembering our baby. But I am also remembering those of you who have lost babies. I am remembering all of you who are walking this path of IF along with me and those of you who have walked it in the past. This morning, I spent time praying for all of you, asking for God's continued healing in our lives.

My prayer was that He would comfort all of us, and give us peace and joy in His presence.

I asked Him to enable all of us to continue to cling to Him and trust in His perfect plan.

I asked the God of hope to "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13.

And I asked Him to move the mountain of infertility in our lives.

Grief counselor/Crisis Care Minister

I mentioned in a previous post that one of the things that helped me the most after my m/c was meeting weekly with a grief counselor from my church. I think she (I call her M in case she doesn't want me to give her name) is actually called a crisis care minister. At my church crisis care ministers are part of the congregational care ministry. They are very similar to Stephen Ministers which I think a lot of churches have. Stephen Ministers, according to their website, are "lay caregivers who provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people." I wanted to write a bit about this in the hopes that this information may help someone else. Of course, I wish that none of you would need a ministry like this. I wish that none of you would ever experience hurt or pain, but that is not the world we live in. Jesus said we would have trouble in the world (John 16:33). The thing is, prior to my m/c, I really didn't know this ministry was something my church had and I certainly wouldn't have thought about utilizing this ministry after a m/c. Of course, that is partly because that would involve actually asking for help, something I don't do very well (the Lord is still working on me with this one). The meetings came about because M and I are in the same small group. They know about our IF and IVF and were among the first people we told about the m/c. If M hadn't called and offered to meet with me, it is unlikely that we would have begun meeting together because, like I said before, my pride would have kept me from asking for help.

M and I have met every week since about the third week in January. It is a designated time for me to be able to talk about everything without ever feeling like a broken record or feeling that I am burdening someone else too much with my problems. I think the thing that helps me the most is that each week I set goals to be accomplished by the next time we meet together. Knowing that M is going to ask me about the goals I set provides a level of accountability for me that is very motivating. I am not usually one to say I will do something and then not do it. Early on the goals focused on planning and having a service for Johannah. Other times they were very simple goals like exercising. I had mentioned previously that when you face a loss any unresolved grief comes back up, so lately my goals have related to dealing with these issues. By setting these goals, I am intentional about spending time each week focusing on healing. One of the other things that has been most helpful is that each week she asks me for specific prayer requests. I strongly believe in the power of prayer. Having someone who knows exactly where I am at and what I am struggling with praying for me on a regular basis is a huge blessing. Someone asked me if it was just like counseling. There are similarities - we meet together for about an hour, our time together is focused and intentional, and she is objective in her relationship with me. It differs from counseling in that the goal is to provide care. They come along side of you in the midst of your crisis in a way that counselors do not. I am so thankful for this ministry and the healing that has come about through it. I think that a ministry like this could be a great help to anyone facing a crisis.

Better? Part 2

I said at the end of my last post that I no longer was angry with God over the m/c, but I should probably mention I still did have some anger at IF. The anger wasn't really towards God or anyone else, just anger at the situation. I have never really grieved IF itself until now and anger is part of every grief process. I also found myself getting easily annoyed and irritated with people. This may have been somewhat caused by my hormones going a little crazy, but whatever the cause, the irritability along with just general anger over IF was causing me to have to fight the urge to yell at random people in the commissary (military grocery store for my civilian readers), at the movie theater, and basically any place else I went. At this point I felt like God was telling me to step back from things, that I needed time alone with Him to heal. Initially, I had tried to jump right back in to my ladies Bible study and had tried to venture out with friends. I knew church itself would be too painful so I hadn't even tried to go back to church at this point, but I was also feeling really guilty about that decision. About this time I came across this post on Beth's blog and the Lord really spoke to me through it. She said,

“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”

She wrote this based on the following passage from Luke.

Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

I believe these words were meant for me. It also confirmed something else the Lord had previously revealed to me. I have been reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" since the end of last year each morning. On the morning of January 13th (which was when we found out Johannah had no heartbeat) before I went in for my doctor's appointment I remember thinking this exact thought before I read that morning's devotion, "I wonder if God has a special word for me today." And this is what I read,

"Have You Ever Been Alone with God?

His solitude with us. When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us."

Whoa, that didn't sound like anything I wanted to hear right before my first OB appointment. And so at the time I brushed it off thinking surely God must mean this for some other time or better yet for some time in the past. But it was meant for this time and He told me to go back and read it again. I did not go back to church, I stopped attending my ladies Bible study, and I stepped back from social outings. I should mention that I did not completely shut myself off from everyone, I still attended my small group Bible study, I still met with each week with my grief counselor, and I still kept in contact with people through blogs and emails. But I began to spend more time with the Lord studying the Bible, praying, and listening to worship music. As I was obedient to the Lord, He began to reveal things to me. The thing about grief is that it doesn't go away, it will wait for you. When you experience a new loss, any unresolved grief from previous losses will pop right back up, "Hey, remember me? Yup, I'm still here." The Lord showed that there were other issues that still had to be dealt with. He has been taking me through a healing process by working me through the first of these issues. He has shown me that I need to surrender it all to Him, every bit of hurt and pain and allow Him to use it however He chooses. I can't hold on to it anymore. This process has only just begun, but already God has brought about tremendous healing and truly set me free from some things. I don't know if this would have happened if we had not lost Johannah, so as much as I wish we had not lost her, I am thankful for how God has used it for good.

I would not say I am fully healed, but there were a couple of things that God really used to bring about a great deal of healing. One of these is meeting with a grief counselor from my church on a weekly basis. I think I will write a separate post on this because I have much more to say about this. The other thing that helped me a great deal was to hold a service for Johannah. I know this might seem like a weird thing to do to some people, but it was so healing for me. I may write about this in more detail later. The morning of her service I was able to write her a letter to say good-bye for now. Having the service and writing the letter really unlocked the tears that were needing to come out. The day after the service is when we went to the beach and wrote her name in the sand (see picture below). After this I was able to have some good cries and I definitely felt such tremendous sadness over our loss. When John left for Peru on the 13th my plan was to take time alone to grieve some more. I spent the first 3-4 days after he left alone to allow myself time to grieve, but I was surprised that I didn't need to cry more than I did. I wouldn't say I am all cried out, I still miss her all the time and I know there will be hard times ahead, especially around her due date. But I think I have reached the point of acceptance of our loss. I was able to go back to church the past 2 Sundays and I started to go back to my ladies Bible study (not sure about this one yet). So this pretty much sums up things up until this point.