Flight and Meeting Time Set! Need Prayers....Updated

We have our flight booked, leaving early next week and returning next weekend. We will meet Joshua for the first time on Wednesday August 31st at 10am!!!! That is August 30th at 9pm on the east coast and 6pm here in AZ, which is exactly one year from the first time we saw his sweet face, how cool is that!!!

We have a hotel for our first 2 nights in Seoul, but are still waiting on our travel agent to find us one for our last 2. Almost everything in Seoul is booked solid right now. Please be praying he finds us a hotel room for our last 2 nights. I am not panicking yet, but I am getting close!

I also just found out that most likely my mom isn't going to be able to come and watch our dog Annie for us; her work won't give her time off. Now we need to find an alternate arrangement that will work for our highly anxious little pup. Could you also pray we find just the right place and/or person. It's also really disappointing for her and for me because now she won't get to come to the airport to at least meet Joshua. For anyone who might be curious as to why she can't come after we are home, it is because it is not recommended that you have other people around when you first bring your child home. It would be entirely too overwhelming and confusing for Joshua. He has no idea who we are or that we are his forever mommy and daddy. All he will know is that he has just lost the only family he has ever known. So until we can establish that bond with him, we won't be allowing others to visit much (if at all) and certainly we won't be allowing anyone else to hold him or meet his needs. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but we have to do what is best for Joshua.

Thank you all for celebrating with us in your comments on my last post! I also really appreciate your prayers.

Update: A doctor at John's work has offered to watch Annie for us. Praise God!!! And we were able to get into the guest house for our last 2 nights! Prior to finding that out we were able to get a reservation at the military MWR hotel (Dragon Hill Lodge), but we are going to cancel it and stay at the guest house.

Remembering

I have been wanting to write a "good-bye 2010, hello 2011" post, but have really been struggling with it. It probably didn't help matters that I started off the year with a sinus infection and my monthly friend. But I guess what it really comes down to is I am feeling guilty that I haven't been able to write a hope-filled post about how excited I am it's 2011. The truth is my predominant emotion about this upcoming year has been uncertainty. There just feels like there are so many unknowns right now. We are due to move (as a result of John's military service) in less than five months and we have absolutely no idea where that is going to be. And even though I know intellectually that this is the year we will most likely bring Joshua home, it doesn't feel like it right now. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it all just feels so far off and unreal.

The other emotion I am feeling is sadness. It is two years tomorrow since we lost our baby. While there is no longer the raw emotion that was present in the first several months to a year following my miscarriage, it is still painful to remember what we lost. A friend asked me if having Joshua lessened the pain. My response was no, Joshua is not a replacement for the baby we lost. He is his own person to be loved and cherished (and we most certainly do love and cherish him!), but another baby doesn't take the place of the baby that was lost.

However, in spite of all the uncertainty and the grief I am feeling right now, I know I have much to be thankful for and celebrate about 2010, and I plan to do so because I think it is important to reflect back on all the Lord has brought about in preparation for this next year. But right now it will have to wait until I get through tomorrow. I feel like my new year no longer begins on January 1st, for me the new year doesn't really start until the day after tomorrow.

For Lisa

I returned from my trip to some incredibly devastating news. I will share about our trip and post pictures another time. This post is for Lisa, who lost her precious little one last week. We prayed for a miracle, but her baby is with the Lord. Something I never shared before in any detail was that after we lost Johannah, John and I had a service for our baby so that we could say good-bye. We went out on the Choctawhatchee Bay with our dear friends Dan and Monica and held a service on their boat. We read a poem, sang "It is Well with my Soul," prayed, and read Psalm 42. I wrote in my journal that I chose it because it expressed our heartache over our loss, but also the hope we have in the Lord.

 

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

 There are no words to adequately express this heartache and my sorrow for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa.

Adopted

Before I left for Phoenix, John and I watched the movie Adopted. You can watch the trailer below:



I highly recommend this movie to anyone involved in adoption. At the beginning of the movie, there was a quote from "Beyond Good Intentions" by Cheri Register. It said,

"The joy and the tragedy coexist. That is the paradox of adoption, and we are all caught up in it."

It was so validating to see this quote. So often over these last few months, I have wanted to write about what I am learning about adoption (and I still hope to do so), but I haven't been able to. I think this is what I have been wrestling with - in adoption joy and sorrow intermingle - and this is very different from the view of adoption many have. I think many people see the positive side of adoption (and there is much that is wonderful) and fail to see that there are losses, especially for birthparents and adoptees. It has been quite a process to begin embracing both the joy and sorrow of adoption and realizing that they can and do coexist. I have always thought that you either have joy or sorrow, and have done everything I can to avoid sorrow and control the losses in my life (as if I can control them). Through this process, I am become much more accepting of the fact that tragedy and sorrow are unavoidable in life. They will both be part of our child's life, and my life, and there is nothing I can do to change this. And that is okay. Because there will also be joy.

Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.

A Painful Realization

For quite some time I have felt adoption was the right path for us. Even before we went through treatment I felt this way. I am still very excited about adopting and want to build our family through adoption. But recently I realized I am struggling with some adoption losses. I think I was quick to embrace adoption after our last treatment and in fact talked more about adoption during our second treatment cycle than I did about the possibility of conceiving a biological child. Maybe I didn't really give it enough time after my miscarriage. Mentally I was completely unprepared for another pregnancy after we lost Johannah so maybe I was too quick to think I was okay with never achieving pregnancy. After all denial is my favorite coping mechanism :)

Now that more time has passed and a great deal of healing has occurred, I am finding I think more about pregnancy. Reading books that go over developmental stages and how the particular stage impacts adoption has made me think about all that we may miss out on by not adopting a baby. As I have said before, being a mom has always been more important to me than being pregnant and I have always loved toddlers (call me crazy!) so we are open to adopting a child that is not a baby. But these losses are really hitting me right now.

And so the big realization:

Adoption won't fix infertility.

Some of these losses will remain. Adoption and infertility are two separate things. In our adoption class we talked about the gains and losses of adoption for all members of the adoption triad. I must grieve and accept the losses. But I know that the Lord is able to heal me and bring true peace. As difficult as it is right now for me to envision a time when the sight of a pregnant woman is not a source of pain, I know that is is possible. Even if I never experience pregnancy and childbirth myself, it is possible, for with God all things are possible. So I am asking God to heal me and prepare me for the family He has for me, whether through adoption or childbirth, or even both.

As part of seeking the Lord's healing, I am rereading Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward and doing the study guide at the end. It is meant for those no longer going through infertility treatment (though I read it the first time just before I started treatment). Since I am now at the point the book was meant to address, I thought I could benefit from a second reading. I may post about some of what I learn in upcoming posts, but for now this Scripture from chapter 1:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3.

"But God Meant it for Good..."

Initially, I felt guilty writing a post about hope on the anniversary of the day we found out we lost Johannah. I wondered if it would seem like I had forgotten her or hadn't honored her short life. But I realized I had to give myself permission to move forward. I lived many years in bondage to my past and I won't do it again. I choose to "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me" Phil 3:12.

Wednesday was not an easy day, but I got through it. Several times throughout the day I repeated the words of Phil 4:13:

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

One of the things that came to mind on Wednesday was the story of Joseph and his brothers where he says to them,

"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."

The Lord takes the evil things of this world and works them for good. I know there are differing opinions as to why bad things happen and what the enemies role is in them, but I had a thought I had never had before as this Scripture came to mind. I felt like satan wanted to rob us and destroy us (though I believe God ultimately allowed it to happen), but his purposes were thwarted because God worked out everything for my good and His purposes. Satan meant evil against us, but God meant it for good.

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands" Psalm 138: 8.

I am going to Florida to visit my family over the long weekend. I haven't seen them since Christmas 2008. I am especially looking forward to seeing my niece and nephews! Hope you all have a great weekend.

Christmas and New Years Recap

I am still here! John was on a break from school so I took a break from blogging to spend time with him while I could. We managed to dig out of the huge snow storm I mentioned in my last post. We ended up getting about 19 inches!




Needless to say we holed up inside for a few days including Monday since the federal government shut down which meant I didn't have to work. John and I did manage to get out briefly on Monday for some shopping and a lunch date. The rest of that week I had to work and make preparations for cooking my first Christmas dinner. Despite six years of marriage, I have never cooked a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. We have always gone to family or friends. Since we are saving for adoption, we decided to stay home this year.

Here is my menu:

Ham, twice baked potatoes, sweet potato casserole, temptation salad (a "fruit" salad with marshmallows, sweetened condensed milk, almond extract, and whipped cream), cranberry sauce, garden salad, and rolls. Dessert was pumpkin pie, shoefly pie, and coconut cake. I only had to make the pumpkin pie, the other desserts were brought by friends. I think it went off very well and I was quite pleased with myself. I wish I had taken a picture to document it.

I also discovered something new the day before Christmas Eve. Dogs like chocolate. My dog likes chocolate. I woke up to this:

What was a full candy bowl of chocolate was empty and on the floor. Four hundred and fifty dollars later we had one unhappy, but alive pooch.

You can see the charcoal stains on her beard.

We had a great Christmas with friends and some family (John's brother and my cousin who both live in the DC area). We went to Christmas Eve service, then had a few friends over for brunch Christmas morning. We also got to read the Christmas story and sing a few carols. This is something I have always wanted to do on Christmas, but it has never been part of my family tradition. Since this was really our first Christmas at our own home, it was nice to be able to establish what I hope will become a regular part of our Christmas. Later in the day we had a few more folks over for dinner and then played some games.

I was okay during Christmas, the hardest times were while I was at work the week prior to Christmas. Since it was so slow, I had too much time to think. The day after Christmas infertility/loss really hit me hard. We went to visit some friends (our former neighbors at Eglin AFB) who are expecting their first child. I inquired about our other neighbor who I had not heard from in a while. I had this nagging feeling that I knew why. My suspicions were confirmed, she is also pregnant due in February. That same day, we had an engagement party to go to. I don't fully understand why and I would be curious if anyone else feels this way, but weddings have also become difficult for me. I think it is because one of two things will happen, either I will get a pregnancy announcement in the near future or worse that couple will become one of us. I can't help but think of the hopes and dreams most of us have as we start out our married lives. For some of us, those dreams are shattered. The other thing (which I am sure is completely in my head) is I feel like John and I are an ugly reminder to the new couple that things don't always turn out like we want them to. I am pretty sure most people already know this, but I still feel this way. Anyway, by the end of the day I was a complete mess. I cried almost the entire drive home, almost 2 hours (my poor husband). The following week was another slow one at work, which gave me too much time to think about this time last year. I was pregnant. I was starting to think I could relax and begin to enjoy the pregnancy. And then my world shattered.

However, John and I were able to spend some fun times together the week after Christmas, we had a dinner and a movie date to see the Blind Side (highly recommend it) and took full advantage of Netflix (also highly recommend). New Years Eve we stayed in and watched movies. The weekend after we went out to Virginia - it is so beautiful there. We did a little antiquing and had a very relaxing time.

This past week John started school again. This semester is looking even tougher than last. I will be happy when this first year of school is over in May. Supposedly it gets easier the second year.

I also started a course called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement this past Tuesday. It has a huge textbook and tons of assigned reading. I think it will keep me pretty busy as we wait for the adoption. I am also continuing to take part in a North Korea prayer group each week. I am so blessed to be a part of this ministry. I feel like I have finally found my passion in life.

Yesterday, the Christmas decorations came down and the house is back in order. Always makes me a little sad. Another year has begun. It is officially 5 years of infertility - I don't say trying to conceive (TTC) because we aren't really trying anymore. But it is five years of wanting and waiting, and hoping....

I hope this year is the year for me and for all of you who are waiting with me.

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Today

Today is Mother's Day. I would like to tell you that all I care about is honoring my own mother and stepmother, both of whom I love dearly. But I can't. This day is just too painful for me. I find it hard to even acknowledge its existence. This year I didn't send my own mother a card because I couldn't bear to walk into that section of the card store. Today I will join the many women who stay home from church because it is just too painful. My dear friend Wendi wrote a beautiful post yesterday about Mother's Day. It expresses how I feel so well. You can read it here. Here are a couple of the things she said to which I really related:

"My own mother understood that while I tried to celebrate her, my own pain was so great, it was difficult to acknowledge that this day even existed. It was selfish of me. But it was something I couldn't escape from."

"They will probably feel guilty, as I did. Guilty that I was unable to even celebrate my own mother in the way she deserved to be celebrated on that day because my hurt was so great. That one day was a culmination of everything I wanted and everything I did not have."

To my Mom, Karen, and my 2 sisters who are mothers, I hope you can understand. Please know I love you all so much. I don't know how to cope with this day other than to try to ignore it. My heart is just so heavy with grief today - grief for the children I don't have and grief for the children I lost. Had we not lost Johannah, I would be almost 27 weeks pregnant. After 4 1/2 years of infertility and loss, I am finding it difficult to believe I will ever be a mother. I have not lost all hope though, I have hope in the Lord. I believe He has a plan and purpose for John and I. The Lord has taught me that His plan is better than my own. His plan will be revealed in His time. I must wait upon the Lord. It is the waiting that is just so hard.

Gifts

I was asked recently if the few gifts I received when I was pregnant made things more difficult once we lost Johannah. So I thought I would address this for anyone else who might be wondering. For me it really didn't make things worse, if anything having a few gifts gave me something tangible to hold on to in the midst of my grief, especially that first day. That being said, I probably would not want to receive clothing or toys again. For whatever reason those were the hardest things for me to have. They were given to me by my sisters and brothers, as well as one of John's friends at Christmas. To them, I say please know that I so appreciated the gifts you gave me. However, I felt like they were meant for Johannah specifically, so I just could not keep them. I donated them to a ministry at my church called Supper on Saturday that feeds poor families in our area. A couple of the gifts (thanks Wendi and De) were actually used for her service (if anyone ever wants to ask me questions about this, please feel free to email me). My dear friend Wendi gave me a photo album that I am going to use for the pictures we took at the hospital, positive pregnancy test, u/s photos, and others. I did decide to keep a couple of things. One of my sisters passed on to me a baby quilt made by my Grandma, so of course I am keeping that. One of my brothers gave me a Chicago Cubs baby t-shirt which I am also keeping. Long ago I promised my brother that any children I had could be Chicago Cubs fans. Our family is dominated by Yankee fans (boo) and since John is not a baseball fan I figured I'd help even things out for my brother. Finally, I am keeping two stuffed animals that were given to me by separate people. One is a lion and the other is a lamb. I just love that the first stuffed animals given to me are symbols of Jesus. My counselor says this is because I am an INFP personality type. Apparently, we like metaphors.

I am happy that I did allow myself to receive a few gifts even though things did not work out the way I wanted. I know I could never go buy something myself so it is nice to have just a few things. Also, it worked out that I ended up keeping at least one thing from each person or group that gave me something.

Remembering

This week has been a hard one. Last week I would have reached the halfway point of my pregnancy. We would have found out whether we were having a boy or girl. I think things hit me this week more than last week because one of my blogger friends, whose due date is just a few days after mine would have been, found out she is having a baby girl. I am so happy for her, I am just grieving our loss (I would link to her blog, but it is invite only). So today I am remembering our baby. But I am also remembering those of you who have lost babies. I am remembering all of you who are walking this path of IF along with me and those of you who have walked it in the past. This morning, I spent time praying for all of you, asking for God's continued healing in our lives.

My prayer was that He would comfort all of us, and give us peace and joy in His presence.

I asked Him to enable all of us to continue to cling to Him and trust in His perfect plan.

I asked the God of hope to "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13.

And I asked Him to move the mountain of infertility in our lives.

Grief counselor/Crisis Care Minister

I mentioned in a previous post that one of the things that helped me the most after my m/c was meeting weekly with a grief counselor from my church. I think she (I call her M in case she doesn't want me to give her name) is actually called a crisis care minister. At my church crisis care ministers are part of the congregational care ministry. They are very similar to Stephen Ministers which I think a lot of churches have. Stephen Ministers, according to their website, are "lay caregivers who provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people." I wanted to write a bit about this in the hopes that this information may help someone else. Of course, I wish that none of you would need a ministry like this. I wish that none of you would ever experience hurt or pain, but that is not the world we live in. Jesus said we would have trouble in the world (John 16:33). The thing is, prior to my m/c, I really didn't know this ministry was something my church had and I certainly wouldn't have thought about utilizing this ministry after a m/c. Of course, that is partly because that would involve actually asking for help, something I don't do very well (the Lord is still working on me with this one). The meetings came about because M and I are in the same small group. They know about our IF and IVF and were among the first people we told about the m/c. If M hadn't called and offered to meet with me, it is unlikely that we would have begun meeting together because, like I said before, my pride would have kept me from asking for help.

M and I have met every week since about the third week in January. It is a designated time for me to be able to talk about everything without ever feeling like a broken record or feeling that I am burdening someone else too much with my problems. I think the thing that helps me the most is that each week I set goals to be accomplished by the next time we meet together. Knowing that M is going to ask me about the goals I set provides a level of accountability for me that is very motivating. I am not usually one to say I will do something and then not do it. Early on the goals focused on planning and having a service for Johannah. Other times they were very simple goals like exercising. I had mentioned previously that when you face a loss any unresolved grief comes back up, so lately my goals have related to dealing with these issues. By setting these goals, I am intentional about spending time each week focusing on healing. One of the other things that has been most helpful is that each week she asks me for specific prayer requests. I strongly believe in the power of prayer. Having someone who knows exactly where I am at and what I am struggling with praying for me on a regular basis is a huge blessing. Someone asked me if it was just like counseling. There are similarities - we meet together for about an hour, our time together is focused and intentional, and she is objective in her relationship with me. It differs from counseling in that the goal is to provide care. They come along side of you in the midst of your crisis in a way that counselors do not. I am so thankful for this ministry and the healing that has come about through it. I think that a ministry like this could be a great help to anyone facing a crisis.

Some Thoughts on What to Say

I have been thinking about writing this post for several days now. I guess it will be part venting, part self-protection, and part informative. I also want to say that none of what I am saying here is aimed at anyone who has left comments on my blog or any IF friends. We have also received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of cards, emails, phone calls, meals, etc and we are so grateful for it all. The vast majority have offered very comforting words, but unfortunately a couple of things that have been said have been hurtful. I think I just need to vent a bit.

I will start with some thoughts on what not to say. I think one of the most hurtful things is to start talking immediately about the work God is doing in my heart through this, how he is sanctifying me and making me more Christ-like, and fulfilling His purposes. While these things may be true, there is nothing comforting, compassionate, kind or loving about these words. They have the effect of making me think God did this because I am so un-Christ-like and that if I was just a better person this wouldn't have happened to me. I am in no way saying that I am Christ-like, just that I am already searching, as I think most do when they suffer a miscarriage, for what I did wrong. Questions about whether I did something spiritually or physically frequently run through my mind. This leads me to the next what not to say. Assuming that when someone faces a trial it is because of some sin in their life or because they have in some way gone astray is not accurate and most importantly not Biblical, see Job. Some trials are testing and because God wants to take someone deeper still with Him (I would love to go to this conference, I did one of Priscilla, Beth and Kay's Bible studies and it was life changing). Some other hurtful comments are:

• Implying that this happened because we did IVF since you don't agree with IVF and that it is likely to happen again if we do another IVF. How do you know how God led us? The fact is God led us to IVF, adoption was my plan.
  

• Applying your own situation or worse your friend's sister's husband's brother's cousin's situation (I know that makes no sense I just strung them together randomly) to someone else's and assuming that if they just did ______ like you did or the other person did, then they would get pregnant whether it be surrender, claim your healing, or what ever. While God is unchanging He does not always choose to work in the same way. He may do a miracle in one person's life, work through a doctor in another's, lead the couple to adoption, or any number of other things. One thing we can be sure of, whatever happens it will be in His way and timing. Often even when you have surrendered it all to God, He says wait.

Through all of this, I have been greatly comforted by thinking about the loving kindness of our Savior. A.W. Tozer said Jesus was "the kindest man ever to live on this earth." At the death of Lazarus, Jesus comforted Mary and Martha, the Bible says He wept right along with them. I believe Jesus is our example, as He is in everything, of how to respond to a grieving person. I say this to also to let people know that there is no need to hold back tears around me because you think it might make me cry. It is true that I might, but that is okay, tears are healing. When it comes to what to say, I think that often less is more. My favorite example of this is in Job:

"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." Job 2: 11-13

Job's friends actually did a pretty good job at first, it was only when they opened their mouths to try to explain why everything had happened to Job that things starting going downhill. The point of this post is not to make anyone fearful about what to say, but rather to let people off the hook in regards to feeling like they need to have the perfect words to say or feeling like they need to provide an explanation as to why this has happened. There really are no perfect words. I think it can actually be more hurtful when we are too quick with our words. It is okay to be honest about the fact that you don't know what to say. A simple I love you, I'm praying for you is fine. I have been greatly comforted by a number of people who didn't say anything at all, but just gave me a hug. Of course I am not saying that I don't want you to tell me if God lays something on your heart to share with me. I am especially not referring to fellow bloggers who have shared their own stories with me, I have so appreciated the comments that have been left. For a few more do's and don'ts, I really like this article from Stepping Stones Ministries. They also have an article called On the Loss of Our Child which is worth reading. This article has some additional information and so does this one.

I know that the vast majority of people do not want to be hurtful and are well intentioned. I believe it is important to offer grace and forgiveness just as God offers us when someone says something hurtful. However, I do feel like I have been given the opportunity to share my thoughts and hopefully spare someone else the pain that I have experienced.

Grief and anger

It's hard to believe it has already been a week since we lost our baby girl. I found out from the doctor that they aren't going to do any genetic testing. Apparently, they only do that when you have multiple miscarriages. So we will just have to go with what our hearts have told us in regard to the baby's sex. I actually had a dream right before we started IVF that I would have a baby girl.

Last Friday's beta was about 2000, down from 10,000 at the ER on Tuesday evening. The 10,000 level was already lower than it should have been due to the fact that our baby actually died shortly after the eight week ultrasound. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. When I look at the post I did at nine weeks with all the pictures, it is not the pictures that bother me, it is the thought that sometime within the account of what we did for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day or that weekend, our baby died and we had no idea. This past Tuesday my beta was in the 400s. My doctor seemed pretty happy with these numbers. I go back next Tuesday for another beta. The doctor says that one may be less than 10. Even though I know this is a good thing in terms of avoiding a D&C, it just makes me so sad. Even though I know I have already lost her, seeing the confirmation in these numbers is just so hard.

Since I last posted the days have gone by in a blur and I find that suddenly I am at the end of another day. I think some of the initial shock and numbness has worn off and I found myself getting really angry, mostly with God, about what has happened. In the initial days, I felt every one's prayers carrying me through, but this past weekend I felt like I was crying out to God and getting no answer at all. I didn't feel like He was with me at all. I know that the Lord says He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe this to be true. But to be honest, it felt like God had abandoned me in the midst of my darkest days. I have heard others talk about times when they experienced similar feelings and the need to trust God's word rather than your feelings. Yesterday, it felt like things turned around a bit and I began to have some of the peace which had been alluding me. I also had a sense that ultimately things would be okay and that I would get through this eventually. However, I did decide to meet once a week with a grief counselor from my church.

One of the things I am wrestling with right now is this - How do I resume my normal daily activities after such a profound loss? It just doesn't feel right to me to just go on living my life. I know that there are some things that would be beneficial for me, like exercise, but I just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process and to go on means acceptance which I am nowhere near.

Grief

Grief has been so heavy last night and this morning. There are moments when I am in shock and numb and then something jars me out of that state and I begin grieving again. Often it is seeing someone for the first time so be forewarned that if you stop by or I run into you, I may start crying. There is something about seeing our grief reflected on the faces of those that love us. This is not a bad thing, tears are healing and I need to grieve. I know so many people are grieving right along with us. Sometimes it helps me to grieve when I think about the grief that others are feeling. It's almost like it's easier for me to think about the grief others are feeling for me than it is to directly feel my own grief. That probably doesn't make much sense, but that is the best I can do to describe it right now.

Today I went in to get my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels are. I can remember anxiously waiting for John to call me to let me know what my hCG level was after we found out we were pregnant. Now we have to wait for it to go back down. It seems weird to now be hoping for low levels, but if they don't go down, I will have to have a D&C. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a nurse at one of the medical clinics here on base so I was able to go in to his clinic and have him draw my blood rather than go to the lab and potentially face questions.

I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that this was the loss of what was likely to have been our only child (and may end up being our only child, only God knows). It is not like we can just get pregnant again. It was not always my hearts desire to be a wife and mother. Before I was a Christian, I was always very achievement oriented and once I became a Christian I wanted to do "big things" for God. But as God has taught me to find my adequacy in Him, I have found that my desire to be a wife and mother has only grown stronger. There really is nothing else I want to be. It seemed like my dreams were finally coming true. John is getting ready to start a great program to become a Family Nurse Practitioner, we are moving back to DC where we met and got married, John will be getting a huge pay raise in August when our baby was due, and we were going to have a baby. Everything was lining up and it seemed like God's perfect timing. But now the thought of going back to DC is so painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for our time there involving the new addition to our family.

I do question why God led us to do IVF and allowed it to work, only to take our baby home so early. But at the same time John and I have both said that we are happy to have had her (we feel like our baby was a girl) even for a little bit. John keeps reminding me that I am a mother, my babies are just in heaven. We do have a name picked out, but I want to wait until the lab report comes back before announcing it in case we are wrong about the sex.

We are both so appreciative of the comments on the blog, emails, cards, flowers, meals, and support we have received. It has given us a lot of comfort. Most of all we are thankful for your prayers. I know that so many people want to do something for us, but don't know what they can do and many feel powerless to help us. Pray. That is what you can do. It is what we need the most of. Only God can provide the healing, comfort, strength, and peace we need.

Miscarriage

Our baby has gone home to be with the Lord. Miscarriage appears to be complete.

After the ultrasound our doctor told us we had 3 options - watch and wait, medication, or D&C. I wanted to avoid a D&C if at all possible, I just felt that option would be the most traumatic for me personally. I was leaning toward medication, but I wanted to check with our RE to see if it mattered which option we went with as far as a future IVF cycle. They recommended a D&C, but mainly because some people end up having to have a D&C even after taking the medication and they were concerned about how far along I was. His nurse also told me that it took 3 weeks for her when she took the medication. That sounded agonizing to me, so I started thinking maybe I should go with the D&C. So I talked with our doctor again to get more details about the medication. He felt like we should go with the medication, especially since he knew how much I wanted to avoid a D&C. He explained that it usually did not take that long and because that baby actually died shortly after our last ultrasound it was much smaller than 10 weeks. He also put me in touch with a female colleague of his who had experienced miscarriages herself. I am so thankful for both of these doctors, they are both Christians and I know they (along with many others) have been praying for us. She told me exactly what to expect if I went the watch and wait route and what to expect with the medication. She said that if you went the watch and wait route you usually start bleeding for 7-10 days and then cramping begins, followed by contractions. She said the medication would basically speed up and condense this process into a shorter period of time. She also told me that if it had been available at the time for her she would have gone with the medication. We decided we would go with the medication. We were supposed to go in yesterday morning.

But that isn't how it happened. I can't explain the timing at all. The ER doctor said she thought that when we get the news that there is no heartbeat, our body responds as we find out this news. I don't really accept this explanation because I was still hoping for a miracle prior to the miscarriage starting. I think it is the Lord's mercy that He brought it about so quickly and that He allowed me to know that there was no heartbeat prior to the start of the miscarriage. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through what we went through Tuesday night without already knowing there was no heartbeat. I also couldn't help but think maybe it was answer to prayer that it would not drag on. I clicked on the profiles and blogs of so many of you that left comments Tuesday and saw that many of you have experienced your own losses. It is amazing to me that the miscarriage happened that day right after I posted when I had so many people praying for me.

After we got back from the doctor, I began spotting. At first I thought it was because of the exam, but it began to get heavier. Throughout the day the bleeding got heavier and heavier. Initially, I was having cramps like menstrual cramps, but by Tuesday evening they were contractions. They got closer together and more intense as the night wore on. I had no idea that a miscarriage was so much like labor (it makes sense that it would be, but I had no idea). John and I sat on the couch and then on our living room floor when things got really intense. He rubbed my back much like he would have if I was in labor. The whole experience felt so much like you would imagine giving birth feels. Only there was no baby at the end. By a little before midnight, I just couldn't take the pain any more. I was nauseous and doubled over in pain so we decided to go to the ER. Thankfully they took me straight back and gave me some morphine and anti-nausea medication. I think I was experiencing the height of it right then because shortly after getting to the ER I passed a large mass (I don't know if it was baby, placenta, or what). After that it seemed like the cramps started to go down a bit. When she did an ultrasound she said it looked like everything was gone except for one large clot. They gave me a little more pain medication before we left as well as another medication called cytotec to make sure everything gets cleared out. When we got home I passed another large mass. I was and am still cramping, but more like menstrual cramps now. Wednesday morning we went to see Dr. S for a follow-up. He gave me more cytotec to take yesterday, as well as more pain medication. After taking the medication I would have cramping, but nothing like what I experienced Tuesday night. From what I understand, this medication makes your uterus contract so that if there is anything still in there it can pass out. This didn't happen so hopefully that means everything has passed and I won't have to have a D&C. I called in to talk to the doctor (the female one who told me what to expect) today, she doesn't think I need to go in unless the bleeding or cramping gets worse rather than lessening or I get a fever.

I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping, partly because I got no sleep Tuesday night and partly because of the pain medication. I spent the rest of the time crying, watching TV, or on the computer. It was actually a great comfort for both John and I to check the blog or our emails and read the comments. I was not familiar with Lost and Found and Connections Abound until yesterday. Thank you to whoever sent my name into the site on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed by the support I received and it was truly an example of what the site hopes to accomplish. John and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from family and friends. Last night Monika from our small group brought us dinner. I have been fortunate to never have had a major illness or surgery so I have never been on the receiving end of a meal before. I would never have imagined what a comfort a meal can provide someone who is grieving. I can't tell you how much John and I appreciated it. I don't think I've ever eaten a more comforting meal in my life.

I think that some phone calls are okay now. I just really didn't want to have to keep repeating what had happened over and over again. I still don't want to and to be perfectly honest I am not one that wants to talk right away after something has happened. If you do call, please understand that I may tell you I don't want to talk right now.

Devastation

Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.

I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:

20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.