Why Now Lord?

I have to confess a struggle I was having after getting the news about EP submission for Joshua. It may not make sense to a lot of people and at the same time I know there are many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat (especially after all of the devastating news for ESWS and SWS families that has come recently), but I have always tried to be honest and transparent on this blog. So here goes. The truth is after the initial elation, I struggled with "why now Lord?" Why Lord did you make me wait over 6 years to become a mom, and at the one time where I would have hit the 'pause' button, you hit the 'fast forward' button?

I have said that we will travel in July, but the truth is we could travel in June. We just don't know. And it was the thought of June travel that had me freaking out a bit. I kept envisioning us bringing Joshua home to a hotel room after we get our travel call. And I was struggling with a lot of guilt about that. We are taking him from a stable home where he is loved and cared for, and I just really want us to be settled in when we get the call to travel.

Ultimately, I guess what I was really struggling with was laying down my idea of how things were supposed to go, at least according to my plan.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

But obviously the Lord has a different plan, one that requires me to let go of my perfectionism. You see according to my plan, we are supposed to be moved into our house, everything was supposed to be unpacked, the house was supposed to be decorated, and then I would have plenty of time to research and plan our trip to Korea and learn a bit more of the language. And frankly, this still sounds like the best plan to me.

But I don't know everything. And God does. I may not understand why this is the perfect timing, but God does. And so I have to trust. I have to trust that even if things don't happen according to my idea of perfection (and most likely they won't), it will be okay.

I went back to a post I wrote a little while ago on fear, and found this:

We don't just trust God to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us (picking up our son is something I am incredibly excited about and grateful for, so please understand my struggle was with the timing).

"If ____, then God will take care of me."

"If ____, then God has a plan."

"If ____, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me."

"If ___, then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me."

If we get our travel call in June, then God will take care of me (and Joshua).

If  we get our travel call in June, then God has a plan.

If  we get our travel call in June, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If we get our travel call in June,  then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

I also went back to my "statement of trust" that is on the top right of my blog, particularly the part from Isaiah 26:8, "Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."

I want the Lord to be glorified through what He brings about in our life. I want things to happen according to His will and timing. And so I pray as Jesus did, "Father, glorify your name!" John 12:28.

What matters is that Joshua will be coming home to us. The rest of it really isn't that important.

Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.

Wendi is here!!!!

In adoption news, we had our fingerprint appointments for our I600a (immigration) application done last week. Hopefully, we will receive notice of approval soon. Next step – referral!!! We have been waiting 4 months as of Monday.

One of my co-workers has been dealing with secondary infertility and recently she and her husband made the decision to pursue adoption from South Korea. They did a ton of research on agencies, the really cool thing is this – they ended up deciding on the same agency as us! It really affirmed our choice for us, since we did far less research. It is also nice to be able to share experiences with someone else on the same journey. Recently, we were discussing the fact that we are in fact expectant moms (just with an 18 month gestational period). However, this fact is rarely acknowledged by anyone else and to be honest most of the time I don’t feel like one either. This conversation led to a discussion about adoption baby books. Has anyone heard of or used one of these? Any recommendations?

Here are a couple of the ones I am considering:

The Story of Me

Baby Memory Book by Tessera Publishing

 The other BIG news – Wendi is here!!!!!!

She, her hubby, and their two little miracles, Isaac and Elijah, are here for a short visit en route to their next duty assignment. Wendi’s husband John and my John worked together at Eglin AFB in Florida, which is how we met. Initially, we bonded over our shared struggle with infertility, but as we got to know each other we quickly became friends. We haven’t seen them in over a year so I am so excited! If you have never read Wendi’s story, click over to her blog and read about what the Lord brought about. You will be blessed. I am always reminded of God’s perfect plan when I see what the Lord has done in her life. We have been having a wonderful time together. Though it will be very sad to say good-bye, I am looking forward to a visit with them in the spring.

Letting Go

I mentioned I hadn't been blogging as much in a previous post because I had been a little down. This is a cycle that has been repeated over the past several months. You can see that in these posts from January, February, May, and June. Unfortunately, this past month was no different. What is making it worse is my cycles have lengthened to around 32 days these past couple of months (maybe because I have started running?). I have always had very regular cycles so I was not able to keep myself from thinking just maybe I could be pregnant. The other possible explanation for the lengthening that crossed my mind was perimenopause. I will be 36 in November so that is not out of the realm of possibilities, though it would put me in the earlier part of the age range. I have also had a few other changes that make me think perimenopause is a possibility. Technically you can still get pregnant during the perimenopausal period, but it was a heartbreaking thought nonetheless. I guess what it comes down to is I am grieving the loss of pregnancy and creating a child with my husband.

The decision I have reached is this, I need and want to give my whole heart to pursuing adoption. Adoption is the path the Lord has led us along and so I must follow that path. While I know it is possible a miracle pregnancy could occur, I can no longer hope for it. I am letting it go. I cannot continue the monthly cycle of hope and despair any longer.

And so I have been grieving the loss of this hope/dream/desire. I have never really grieved the loss of pregnancy itself. I have grieved over the past. I have grieved over the death of our baby. I have grieved infertility/childlessness, but not pregnancy. For my own mental health, I think it is best if I accept that pregnancy is most likely never going to happen. I can’t continue on this way. I will just have to be surprised if it happens. But for now, I will carry on as if it never will. I am letting go. But it is so very hard.

I know God has a plan for us and I choose to trust Him. I also know that adoption is wonderful and is in no way second best or plan B. But it doesn't erase the losses. One of the things I have heard mentioned in several adoption books and articles is how unresolved infertility grief negatively impacts your children. I owe it to our future children to grieve these losses now and find peace, comfort, and healing. I want to give my whole heart to my future children. Though this process is painful now, it is necessary and it will be worth it.

Thanks to all for putting up with my ups and downs lately. I can't say this is the last of it, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.

"Bringing into Captivity Every Thought"

We had an interesting weekend - not quite what I had expected. I think the missionaries who stayed with us may have been expecting an older couple. I could really see how hard it is for missionaries, especially having to depend on others for financial support and how hard they work. But I know that ultimately they are depending on God, and He is completely trustworthy. I sensed that the couple that stayed with us may have been sad or discouraged in some way, but there was never an opening to talk with them about it. I felt very burdened to pray for them though. Friday night we had a fabulous dinner with a small group and then got to hear about what God is doing in Jamaica. Saturday they were gone most of the day, so I studied my Perspectives homework and John worked on his schoolwork. Saturday night we went to a potluck dinner at church where we heard a speaker from The Navigators. I had always wanted to know who and what the Navigators are so I enjoyed learning about their organization. Sunday was church and then they had to leave. John and I were able to have a date night on Sunday - we went to see Hurt Locker (really good, but not sure if it was really Best Picture material) and then ate Ethiopian (one of my favorites!).

We use to attend the church we now go to (and were even married there) when we lived in Maryland a few years ago (prior to us moving to Florida). Now that we are back, we are beginning to connect with old friends and acquaintances at church. I was able to reconnect with one of them Saturday night. She was always one of the most loving and kind people, and such an encouragement to me when John and I were geographically separated during my last year in the army. I had been hoping to reconnect with her, but at the same time, I was wondering how I would feel. When I left for Florida, she had 4 beautiful little boys. She has since had another little boy and just recently a little girl. The thing was when she told me, I felt genuine joy for her. But later that night when we left, it was hard not to let my thoughts get away from me, wondering why the Lord gives one person six children, and He won't even give us one. I know that thoughts like these are wrong, not to mention completely unhelpful. They only sow the seeds of bitterness and discontent. I try to make a point of refusing these thoughts, casting them down, because they are not truth. If the Lord gives someone a hundred children it doesn't take away even one bit His ability to build our family. To be honest I don't understand why we have no children yet. But I do trust that the Lord has a plan for our family.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Cor 10:5 (KJV)

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

WE ARE APPROVED!!!

Thank you all for your prayers! Today went great! We each had our interviews, mostly covering our childhoods, families, parents, our marriage, and health and then we gave her a tour of our house. We were both so nervous.

I thought we would have to wait to hear whether we were approved, but at the end she was able to tell us that pending successful contact with our references to verify that they wrote our reference letters and continue to support our adoption, we are approved. We should go on the wait list by April 1st and from there total time until travel to Korea should be between 9 and 15 months. We do have one issue. As of April 1st, we only have 14 months until we get stationed somewhere else. Our social worker is checking with the Korea program coordinator in Minnesota to see what our options are. Korea only allows their children to be adopted in certain states in the U.S. We are hoping that we can get prior approval to be allowed to adopt regardless of where we go, or possibly get permission to adopt as long as we go to a state they approve of, and then John can request to be stationed in one of those states (which the Air Force may or may not choose to honor). The other possible option is for me to stay behind for a few months until we can finalize our adoption, assuming we have already traveled to Korea and just need to do our 3 post-placement visits over the first 6 months. Back in October, we were told that as long as we were stationed stateside it would be okay. But Korea has recently become more restrictive about families moving during the adoption process. I am putting it all in the Lord's hands, trusting Him to work out all the details and timing. It is really not in my control.

I got to call my mom at work tonight and tell her we are approved, which was really exciting. She is really excited about having a new grandbaby. Hard to believe, I am going to be a mom in 9-15 months. It is hard for me to even write "I am" rather than "I may." It doesn't feel real yet.

If Not for Infertility.....

I mentioned in my last post that my excitement had returned, but it was actually not finding out our interview was coming up that brought it about. It was a response I received by email from a blog reader who is an adoptive mother and the encouraging comments after I wrote The Sorrow in my Heart and A Painful Realization.

It was also several blog posts I came across at that time. I would highly encourage you to check them out, especially if you are contemplating adoption. I think you will be blessed. This is in no way an attempt to "push" adoption on anyone. I only want to share how blessed I have been over these last couple of weeks.

Elaine at God's Faithfulness through Infertility posted Healed Heart shortly after I wrote "A Painful Realization" and I felt God speaking directly to me through it. Several days later she wrote Did all that really happen? and expressed how her daughter was so worth the pain of infertility and how unfathomably heartbreaking it would be for her if Little Bug was not her daughter.

"Just Believing" wrote about how her heart is overflowing with all that God has done in her family and how at peace she is with the possibility of never experiencing pregnancy.

Jennifer at Thought from a Blonde wrote about her friends who have adopted. She wrote, "I can look at their family and know how perfect she is for their family. Without infertility that our dear friends struggled with, this precious child would not be in theirs" and "If this couple would have conceived a child they would not be parents to these four children. How could they not be a part of their family?"

In the emails I received from an adoptive mother of several children, I was particularly encouraged by several things. It was so encouraging to me because she is really speaking from the "other side," having never experienced pregnancy and now several years down the road on the journey. I share this with her permission:

"Just wanted you to know that for me the sorrow has gone away - in fact it seems odd to even use that word now."

"I must say, the wait to become a parent was probably the most trying of anything I have experienced so far. I can honestly say it was worth every minute though."

"As far as pregnancy goes for me, I don't know that I would say that I am glad that I was never able to experience that. However, if I would have we would not have the family that we do now and I, of course, would never trade our family for anything."

"I just want to keep encouraging you, though, that it is possible to get through this and to be able to look back and smile. We may not ever fully understand it all on earth, but God knows exactly what He is doing and I am sure when we see the full picture in heaven some day we will be in awe of his wisdom, grace, and love."

"I think it is easy for people to get discouraged if some adoption processes have a lot shorter waiting period than others."

"It is incredible to think how God specifically put our family together and we will take His timing over ours any day!! We tell our kids that before the world was even made God knew that our family would be together."

The common message I take from all of these lovely ladies is that, "If not for infertility...." they would not have their children and that would truly be heartbreaking.

I am once again resting in His plan.

In a Holding Pattern

I had a great weekend in Florida visiting my family. The highlight of course was the chance to love on my niece and nephews. I went to the zoo, had a sleepover, and got my hair done by my niece. Let's hope she never learns how to get photos off her cell phone :)

Unfortunately, I came back and immediately came down with a cold. Hence my lack of blogging last week. I am now on the mend.

I also had lots of homework to catch up on this past weekend for my Perspectives course . I am loving it, a complete shift in my thinking is taking place. It really gives you a more global vision of God's purpose in the world. But I must say the reading and homework is kicking my behind! It is a lot of work.

No news on our adoption home study. We are still waiting for one form, a child abuse clearance, from the state of Maryland. When I contacted our agency, they said it was now taking 8.5 weeks for the form to come back which means it may not arrive until the end of January. They won't assign us a social worker and precede with the rest of the home study until this form arrives. So we are in a holding pattern. I was feeling pretty anxious about this delay initially, as I envisioned all kinds of scenarios and problems coming up resulting in us not getting approved. Thank God for my hubby who patiently reassures me of how unfounded my fears are. Recently, the Lord has given me a peace about this delay. I don't know the reason for the delay, but perhaps there is a reason for it that will become clear as His perfect plan unfolds in His perfect time.

It is really difficult to know what will happen as far as the designated situation I wrote about in this post. We are still pursuing it, but I am not sure how this delay is going to affect things. C has not yet relinquished her parental rights; from what I understand she is waiting for us to get approved. But I can't exactly wish for her to do so. I wish for her to be able to parent, for Y not to have to go through the loss of her mother. Currently, Y is in a government facility for children of low income mothers which was described to me as an around the clock daycare. To me it sounded like an orphanage which broke my heart thinking about Y in that place. I think the only difference from an orphanage is that C still has legals rights and she can go and pick Y up and take her home. She just can't pick her up and drop her off; she either has to take her home or leave her there. She can visit Y at the facility though. I really don't know what it is best in this situation. I pray continually for Y and C. I ask God to protect Y emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually and give C strength. Y will be 2 in March so she is at an age when transitions and loss are especially difficult. I ask God to help C to parent and find the resources she needs to enable her to care for Y. But it may not be possible, C is very young and life is extremely difficult for North Korean refugee women. She also has significant health problems. If Y is the child the Lord has chosen for us because C is not able to parent her, then we will receive her as a precious gift from the Lord. All I can do is wait. And pray.

Hope

One year ago today, I wrote this post:

Today at my OB appointment there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I am still in shock at this point. I would like to ask for no phone calls, I will post when I am ready to receive calls.

I came upon this scripture awhile back in the NLT and was very struck by it. It seems very appropriate today:

20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.

"Yet I still dare to hope..."

For most of my life I lived with a "Don't get your hopes up" mentality. As I saw it, if I never expected anything good to happen, I would never be hurt or disappointed. But as I began to mature in my faith, I sensed the Lord telling me that was no way for a Christian to live. It's really no way for anyone to live.

After the miscarriage, I wanted to give up all hope. I had finally started to hope and then disappointment and devastation came. I wanted to give up hope; I did not want to risk my heart again. But I found I could not. A spark of hope had been lit in my heart and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to burn out. In fact, it began to burn even brighter. I had found the hope that does not disappoint. It was much less a hope for... but rather a "hope in."

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa 40:31

I began to trust in a way that I had not before that God had a plan for my life and that it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. We fully surrendered all our hopes and dreams to the Lord, asking Him to "build our house" however He chooses.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

This past year I also found hope in God's word.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psa 130:5

Psalm 113 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."

I choose in hope to believe His word, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..." Rom 4:18

These past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have remembered "this awful time."It was easier for me to look back and cling to what once was rather than look ahead to what's next. It is not easy to risk your heart again. But that is what I must do. I must look ahead to what the Lord is doing with our adoption. I must in hope believe. And hope in Christ does not disappoint.

"Don't Give Up"

I have heard these words from a number of people after telling them John and I were pursuing adoption. On the surface, they sound very positive and encouraging and I fully recognize how well intentioned they are. I should preface this by saying there is no anger at all behind my words. After I wrote a post on what not to say following my miscarriage, I had a number of people tell me they were worried they had said something wrong. So I want to reassure my readers not to worry. Most likely you haven't said anything wrong, and if you have I understand you meant no harm. I guess I am just a little perplexed by these words and I want to write about it in the hopes that it might educate. The thing is when someone says "don't give up," they are not referring to not giving up my hope of having a child, they are saying don't give up on pregnancy. They are usually followed by a story about a miraculous pregnancy or someone who tried for many years who finally got pregnant, all meant to let me know that it might still happen for me. Even worse are the stories about someone who started to pursue adoption and then got pregnant. While these stories are encouraging and it is true that God could perform a miracle if He wills it, I don't think these words quite convey what the speaker is trying to say.

The problem with these words is they imply adoption is "giving up" to pursue a lesser option, that somehow an adopted child is inferior to a biological child. They imply that pregnancy is the ultimate goal and anything else doesn't quite measure up.

My response is that I had not realized I was "giving up." We are not giving up and pursuing a lesser option. We are pursuing a different a option, but one we believe is God's best for us. A child no matter how he or she becomes part of a family is a gift from the Lord. We have committed to allowing God build our family however He chooses because we believe His plans for us are far better than anything we could plan for ourselves.

So I say I am not giving up, I am adopting!!!!!

Our Journey towards Adoption

I realized I had never written about how we came to decide to pursue adoption. I have always viewed adoption positively, meaning I liked the idea of it. But I was certainly not aware of all it entailed and probably had a bit of an idealist viewpoint of it. When we first got our diagnosis, I initially wanted to pursue adoption immediately. You can read about our infertility journey here. John felt we needed to give treatment a try before moving forward and he was absolutely right. At that time, I wanted to pursue adoption from a place of fear. Going through infertility treatment was so scary to me. Adoption seemed to me at the time like a guaranteed path to parenthood. We decided at the outset we would do no more than two cycles. By limiting the number of eggs, we allowed them to attempt to fertilize (contrary to popular opinion doctors can't fertilize an egg even with ICSI), we hoped to avoid having any that had to be frozen for future transfer. We were committed to transferring any we had, but we did not end up with any, so 2 cycles was all we did. In a way, it was the equivalent of doing 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles which we felt was more than enough.

Part of me always expected to pursue adoption, so when I got pregnant after my first IVF it was quite a surprise. You all know how that ended. For whatever reason, I did not have high hopes for my second cycle. I am sure the news we received in the midst of it didn't help matters. I remember sitting at my friend Wendi's house in the midst of IVF #2 and spending almost the whole time talking about adoption. Even at that point I was mentally preparing myself for the next step. There was a part of me that just wanted to get through that second cycle so that we could move forward. I was actually afraid of getting a BFP because I felt like I couldn't handle another miscarriage. Of course it was difficult when the BFN officially came and the realization hit that it was the end of the road for us as far as biological children. Nothing about that cycle went well. God had given us a clear no. We took some time to mourn this loss and let go of this dream as God prepared us for the next step. What many people don't realize is that there are losses associated with infertility that adoption doesn't solve: creating a child together; announcing your pregnancy to your husband, friends, and family; the experience of pregnancy and childbirth; breastfeeding (I know adoptive breastfeeding is possible with hormones); and parenting a child from birth (possible only with domestic infant adoption). These are very real losses that must be dealt with and accepted before you can move forward with adoption with an open heart. What I realized is that for me the pain of seeing a pregnant women was less about the experience of pregnancy and more about the child that would come. I want to be a parent more than I want to be pregnant. I know also that the pregnancy I would want to experience is one I can now never experience - one not colored by infertility and the loss of Johannah. The pregnancy I would want is the one I could have experienced before infertility and pregnancy loss was something I knew way too much about. Even if it hasn't happened to me, it has probably happened to someone I know through blogging. For this reason it was easier for me to let pregnancy go. I still believe it is possible for God to do a miracle in my womb, but if He never does, I am at peace with that. What I want is to be a mom. I see adoption as an alternate path to parenthood, but one that is equally as good as parenting a biological child. It is not second best or Plan B. It is God's best for us. Going through treatment prepared us for God's perfect plan to unfold in our lives. I have been told and I believe it to be true that once we are holding our child in our arms, the time it took to get to that point will not seem as long and all we have been through will seem totally worth it. I am excited about watching God's plan unfold!

Psalm 127 - Part 2

If you are familiar with Psalm 127, you may know what comes after the verse I quoted in my previous post.

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127: 3-5

These verses have troubled me throughout my struggle with infertility. I could never wrap my head around them. I have thought about them a great deal, especially recently. I asked the Lord to please give me insight into them and help me to understand.

"...children a reward from Him" I have struggled most with this part. Children are a reward it says. So am I being punished? If I had led a better life, been more righteous, more deserving would I have children? I have been taught that you must interpret scripture with scripture. Do any of us "deserve" children? No. God's word is clear: "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 and the "wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. Elsewhere it says, "all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" Isaiah 64:6 and "God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. Everyone has turned away, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one." Psalm 53:3. There is no one worthy, no one who is righteous on their own, no one who "deserves" anything other than death from God. If it was up to us to be worthy of having children, no one would have any. Our righteousness is from Christ. In Him, I am found "not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes through God and is by faith" Phil 3:9 So I can't earn God's reward, favor, or blessing. It is God's grace. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights" James 1:17. The Lord causes "his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous" Matthew 5:45. We don't do anything to deserve it or not deserve it. The account of Zechariah and Elizabeth even more clearly speaks to this. It says, "Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years" Luke 1:6-7. They were "blameless" and yet they were not rewarded, experiencing years of barrenness. But as many of you know that is not the end of their story. In time, Elizabeth did become pregnant and gave birth to the forerunner of our Messiah. They were direct participants in a miracle, in their own personal lives and in God's plan for the world. As I thought about this, it finally hit me. It is about timing. God's perfect timing. Right now I wonder why I am not receiving this "reward," gift, blessing, whatever you want to call it. I wonder if I am being punished, and believe me, I have done much to warrant that punishment. But when I look at the whole story, I don't question why Elizabeth was barren or think she was less rewarded or blessed. In fact, I think she was incredibly blessed by her years of waiting. God knit together a miracle in her womb - John the Baptist - who prepared the way for Jesus as he went throughout the land preaching repentance. As I look at other accounts of infertility in the Bible, do I think Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, or Hannah were less blessed, less rewarded. No I do not. Each of them experienced years of barrenness and each of them saw God perform a miracle in their lives. They knew it was God, everyone else knew it was God, and He received all the glory. But it happened in God's way and timing. Perhaps they too questioned why God was withholding this blessing from their lives. But in time, God's perfect plan was revealed and they witnessed God doing a mighty work in their lives. They received their heritage from the Lord.

We can only do as Hannah did, "I was pouring out my soul to the LORD" 1 Sam 1:15 and continue to pour our hearts out to God, depending on Him to build our houses and give us the gift of children.

Psalm 127 - Part 1

You may have noticed the new verse at the top right of my blog. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain." I have always loved this verse and have wanted to get it on a plaque to place in our home. It represents my belief that the Lord is the only One who can build our house. I believe He placed John and I together in marriage and I believe it is up to Him to add to our family. It is very easy for me to fall into sin and try to depend upon myself rather than the Lord. Infertility has shown me my need to depend on the Lord, for strength to face the trial of infertility and to bring a child into our family. Time has not made this trial any easier. But it has grown me in compassion, love, humility, and trust in the Lord. Daily, I find myself taking my desire to the LORD, surrendering it to Him anew, and asking Him to fulfill it. Every pregnancy announcement, every pregnant belly, every child I see that brings this pain back to my heart and mind is an opportunity to once again take it to the Lord. He is the only one who can do anything about it. He is the creator of all life. He alone knows the child(ren) He has chosen for John and I to parent. Of course, the question most of us can barely stand to even think comes up - what if God doesn't plan for us to have a child and intends for us to live child-free? This has been a great fear of mine since the beginning of this journey. I can't pretend to know God's plans and thoughts on this, but I personally believe child-free living is not God's will for most of us. I believe if God calls us to such a life it is for a specific purpose and He will give us the peace and even joy to live it. Why don't I think it is God's will for most of us? Because of His Word. This is all I have to go on. There are many instances of infertility in the Bible and in every one of them in His perfect timing and way, God brought a child. In each of these cases it was through pregnancy, but I believe God also answers our prayers through adoption. Throughout the Bible, God's heart for the fatherless is clear (Deut 10:18, Psalm 68:5, and Psalm 82:3 just to name a few places). In verse 6 of Psalm 68, it says the Lord sets the lonely in families. Psalm 113:9 says the Lord "settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children." I have always been hesitant to believe and trust that the Lord will bless us with children, but the other day (September 9 I think) I made a conscious decision. I was walking through the parking garage on my way into work crying out to God, asking for His grace for the day, and once again bringing my desire for children to Him, and I decided then and there that I was going to believe God is who He says He is. His word says He has a heart for the fatherless and commands us to have one as well, it says He settles the lonely in families, and it says He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. This is who God says He is and I choose to believe Him.

Going with Bethany

Just a quick update on our adoption process - it looks like we are going to go with Bethany Christian Services. In many ways it doesn't make sense for us to go with Bethany given the time line and wait time, but we sense God leading us in this direction despite these things. Every time I start thinking about going in another direction, I have no peace about it and I find the Lord points me back to Bethany. Initially, as I prayed about what we should do the only answer I got was "wait." At that point I was wondering if we were even supposed to be moving forward with adoption. But I think this was the Lord preparing me for how He was going to lead. At that point I was not yet ready to surrender to a longer time period. But as I continued to hear "wait," I began to surrender to God's timing and became willing to wait upon Him. I believe His ways and timing are perfect. He is our all-knowing, loving, faithful Father and we can trust in the plans He has for us. As I continued to pray about it, I sensed a pull toward Bethany and a peace about it. I then talked it over with John who told me that he had also been praying about it and felt led toward Bethany. I believe this time can be a time of preparation. I have really enjoyed learning about adoption over this last month or so, but I still have much more to learn. Based on what I have learned so far, I am confident I want an open adoption. I am actually surprised at how passionate I am about this.

In other news, I am a little behind on my blog reading and commenting. I am hoping I can catch up soon so my apologies for my lack of support recently. Between work, being out of town, my new exercise classes, and it being the week before my period I have just been exhausted. Even after all this time, it is still such a hard time of the month. I still find myself hoping.

At the Appointed Time

In my Tuesday night small group Bible study we are currently studying the book of Acts. I came across something in the 3rd chapter that was very meaningful to me:

¹One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. ²Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. ³When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. ⁴Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" ⁵So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.

⁶Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." ⁷Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. ⁸He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. ⁹When all the people saw him walking and praising God, ¹⁰they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. Acts 3: 1-10

It says that this man was put at the temple gate every day. It says he was crippled from birth and later in chapter 4, it says that the man was over 40 years old when he was miraculously healed. My study Bible says the gate called Beautiful was a favorite entrance to the temple court. So this is what hit me in this passage. If this man was put there every day, there is a pretty good chance that Jesus saw this man during His time on earth. And yet Jesus chose not to heal him at that time. Why? Because at the appointed time, Jesus chose to heal this man through Peter and John. And what was the result? All who recognized the man were "filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him" (v. 10). The healing of this man at this time provided the opportunity for Peter and John to address a crowd of onlookers and later the Sanhedrin. As a result, the number of believers grew from the 3,000 at Pentecost to 5,000 (Acts 4:4). The Sanhedrin wanted to punish Peter and John but could not decide how to do so because "all the people were praising God for what had happened" (Acts 4:21). God was glorified in the healing of this man through Peter and John at this time. God's timing is always perfect.

Is this cycle the appointed time for us? I don't know, all I know is that the Lord has said, "This is the way; walk in it" Isaiah 30:21. My prayer is for God to be glorified. I will not lean on my understanding or try to guess how God will work things out. I will wait upon the Lord to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect time.