Monday, August 10, 2009

Remembering Johannah

Tomorrow, August 11th, was Johannah's due date. I am not falling apart, just very sad - sad I never got to meet her, sad I never got to hold her, and most of all sad we are not parents. I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Remembering You" since losing Johannah in January. It helps me to celebrate the short time I had with her and remember that I will see her again because "as the cold winter melts into spring" we are reminded of the hope we have in Christ.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4

These lyrics have always been especially meaningful to me:

"From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for"

Something in my heart came alive after getting pregnant and losing Johannah. My heart was opened up in way it never was before, forever changing me. All the defenses I had built up to protect myself from the pain of infertility came tumbling down. I could no longer block out the pain or pretend it didn't exist. I was completely humbled and broken. I began to cry out to God in prayer over my own infertility rather than only praying for others. I was able to let some things from my past go and experience complete healing. I became more open to love - both receiving it and giving it - and the suffering and pain of others. Now when I hear or read about the suffering of others it affects me in a very real and profound way. I often cry over others' losses and suffering in a way I was never capable of before. And for these things I am grateful. Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments were to love God and love people. Because of Johannah, I have gotten better at both.


16 comments:

Monika said...

(((hugs)))

Mark and Niki said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers this week. I know anniversaries and dates are hard. Remembering your little girl with you.

The Pifer's said...

Your in my prayers sweetie! Please know I am here for you!

Stacey said...

Praying for you tonight and tomorrow, Becky. You've been in my thoughts.

The Lord has already used you in amazing ways and I know that He will continue to do so. You show His love to me and to others who are hurting in such a beautiful way.

Remembering Johannah with you.

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

Praying for you! What a blessing your little girl is! Amazing that something so small can change your life in that small amount of time. So precious!

A said...

I will definitely keep you in my prayers today

Flakymn said...

Woke up this morning thinking of you. Wishing so badly I could fix this. Wishing to make it go away. I am so sorry. As always, I continue to pray ...

Allison and Jared said...

Thinking of you!

Alicia said...

What a sweet little baby the Lord gave you even for the short time it was. I'm sorry that you never were able to meet her. Some day you will. It's so true how God uses our suffering to grow us in our compassion toward others. You're able to relate a lot better.

God bless I'll be praying for you.

Rachel said...

Hopped over via Wendi's blog and noticed that we would have been due the same time. I too miscarried but in December. Healthy heartbeat and 2 days later it was over. It sucks doesn't it. Thoughts and prayers go out to you!

Silya said...

I am thinking of you, and saying a prayer.

Jackie said...

Praying for you. (Hugs)

Jackie said...

Praying for you. (Hugs)

A said...

Hi..I have been praying for you, and I just wanted to leave you a note that I nominated you for 8x8 on my blog!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I have tears in my eyes sweetie. I'm praying for you. I know I missed the actual due date, but I can imagine that the days after aren't much better. I'm remembering with you.
~~HUGS~~

CT said...

It is great to know that there is somebody we can cry out to as we face this mountain.I loved the track that was playing as I was reading your post. I will be praying for you.