Sunday, May 29, 2011

Why Now Lord?

I have to confess a struggle I was having after getting the news about EP submission for Joshua. It may not make sense to a lot of people and at the same time I know there are many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat (especially after all of the devastating news for ESWS and SWS families that has come recently), but I have always tried to be honest and transparent on this blog. So here goes. The truth is after the initial elation, I struggled with "why now Lord?" Why Lord did you make me wait over 6 years to become a mom, and at the one time where I would have hit the 'pause' button, you hit the 'fast forward' button?

I have said that we will travel in July, but the truth is we could travel in June. We just don't know. And it was the thought of June travel that had me freaking out a bit. I kept envisioning us bringing Joshua home to a hotel room after we get our travel call. And I was struggling with a lot of guilt about that. We are taking him from a stable home where he is loved and cared for, and I just really want us to be settled in when we get the call to travel.

Ultimately, I guess what I was really struggling with was laying down my idea of how things were supposed to go, at least according to my plan.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

But obviously the Lord has a different plan, one that requires me to let go of my perfectionism. You see according to my plan, we are supposed to be moved into our house, everything was supposed to be unpacked, the house was supposed to be decorated, and then I would have plenty of time to research and plan our trip to Korea and learn a bit more of the language. And frankly, this still sounds like the best plan to me.

But I don't know everything. And God does. I may not understand why this is the perfect timing, but God does. And so I have to trust. I have to trust that even if things don't happen according to my idea of perfection (and most likely they won't), it will be okay.

I went back to a post I wrote a little while ago on fear, and found this:

We don't just trust God to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us (picking up our son is something I am incredibly excited about and grateful for, so please understand my struggle was with the timing).
"If ____, then God will take care of me."
"If ____, then God has a plan."
"If ____, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me."
"If ___, then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me."

If we get our travel call in June, then God will take care of me (and Joshua).

If  we get our travel call in June, then God has a plan.

If  we get our travel call in June, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If we get our travel call in June,  then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

I also went back to my "statement of trust" that is on the top right of my blog, particularly the part from Isaiah 26:8, "Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."

I want the Lord to be glorified through what He brings about in our life. I want things to happen according to His will and timing. And so I pray as Jesus did, "Father, glorify your name!" John 12:28.

What matters is that Joshua will be coming home to us. The rest of it really isn't that important.

Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.


Alicia said...

I would encourage you to YES trust in the Lord. Look to Him. He is so faithful and WILL take amazing care of you and your baby!

I'm a perfectionist too, and just before our baby came our house was under major construction due to plumming issues. The workers didn't put plastic over any thing...........tons of smelly dirt all over my new baby's things, dirt all over my house. Totally aweful! When she was born we had to live in other peoples homes for a few weeks.....just crazy!

He saw us threw it all and I got to see Him work in amazing ways :) I will b praying!

Grace said...

becky, i love the honesty in this post. you're right, if we never understand the Lord's timing, but we know, even if it's in hindsight, that it is perfect. i'm so excited for you and so excited to see how your story will continue to unfold, timing and all!

Flakymn said...

Becky, goodness knows you know that I can relate to this post. At just the time in my life when I wanted to sit and enjoy Isaac, suddenly, here came Elijah. Ten years and God picks that moment?! So confusing to me. Why would he have us start China if we weren't going to finish it? I don't understand.

I can say that today, when I see my two boys together, I see the Lord's plan. It was a plan for them -- not for me. A plan to have each other.

I know that you will see the Lord's hand in this as well.

And, as someone who is currently living in a hotel room can tell you -- it stinks. It isn't what I want or how I want it, but God is in control.

Blessings friend!

Christy said...

The important part will be having his Mommy and Daddy with him. He'll be surrounded by the love of his forever family and God will take care of the rest. If you're still decorating/getting settled when I get out there I'll come help! :)

I definitely understand the struggle with timing. You should be honest here and no one can fault you for your feelings. It is great that you are turning to God for your comfort. Know that He is in control and has a plan! Hugs! Praying for a quick house hunt!

Kala said...

If only we could see a little glimpse right? You have such strong faith and I'm with Grace. I can't wait to see how his plan will unfold!

Jennifer said...

Your honesty is always refreshing, Becky! As a mom who got a call and brought a baby home just 5 days later, I understand timing. But, once you have Joshua matter where that won't matter! I'm a big time control freak who likes everything just perfect! Well, I finally realized I am not in control God is. You will be fine my friend! I just know it. BTW...I don't think I've commented congrats! Can't wait to see you with your sweet one!