Today is Mother's Day. I would like to tell you that all I care about is honoring my own mother and stepmother, both of whom I love dearly. But I can't. This day is just too painful for me. I find it hard to even acknowledge its existence. This year I didn't send my own mother a card because I couldn't bear to walk into that section of the card store. Today I will join the many women who stay home from church because it is just too painful. My dear friend Wendi wrote a beautiful post yesterday about Mother's Day. It expresses how I feel so well. You can read it here. Here are a couple of the things she said to which I really related:
"My own mother understood that while I tried to celebrate her, my own pain was so great, it was difficult to acknowledge that this day even existed. It was selfish of me. But it was something I couldn't escape from."
"They will probably feel guilty, as I did. Guilty that I was unable to even celebrate my own mother in the way she deserved to be celebrated on that day because my hurt was so great. That one day was a culmination of everything I wanted and everything I did not have."
To my Mom, Karen, and my 2 sisters who are mothers, I hope you can understand. Please know I love you all so much. I don't know how to cope with this day other than to try to ignore it. My heart is just so heavy with grief today - grief for the children I don't have and grief for the children I lost. Had we not lost Johannah, I would be almost 27 weeks pregnant. After 4 1/2 years of infertility and loss, I am finding it difficult to believe I will ever be a mother. I have not lost all hope though, I have hope in the Lord. I believe He has a plan and purpose for John and I. The Lord has taught me that His plan is better than my own. His plan will be revealed in His time. I must wait upon the Lord. It is the waiting that is just so hard.