Sunday, May 10, 2009

Today

Today is Mother's Day. I would like to tell you that all I care about is honoring my own mother and stepmother, both of whom I love dearly. But I can't. This day is just too painful for me. I find it hard to even acknowledge its existence. This year I didn't send my own mother a card because I couldn't bear to walk into that section of the card store. Today I will join the many women who stay home from church because it is just too painful. My dear friend Wendi wrote a beautiful post yesterday about Mother's Day. It expresses how I feel so well. You can read it here. Here are a couple of the things she said to which I really related:

"My own mother understood that while I tried to celebrate her, my own pain was so great, it was difficult to acknowledge that this day even existed. It was selfish of me. But it was something I couldn't escape from."


"They will probably feel guilty, as I did. Guilty that I was unable to even celebrate my own mother in the way she deserved to be celebrated on that day because my hurt was so great. That one day was a culmination of everything I wanted and everything I did not have."

To my Mom, Karen, and my 2 sisters who are mothers, I hope you can understand. Please know I love you all so much. I don't know how to cope with this day other than to try to ignore it. My heart is just so heavy with grief today - grief for the children I don't have and grief for the children I lost. Had we not lost Johannah, I would be almost 27 weeks pregnant. After 4 1/2 years of infertility and loss, I am finding it difficult to believe I will ever be a mother. I have not lost all hope though, I have hope in the Lord. I believe He has a plan and purpose for John and I. The Lord has taught me that His plan is better than my own. His plan will be revealed in His time. I must wait upon the Lord. It is the waiting that is just so hard.

4 comments:

Jackie said...

Thank you so much for posting this. Though I am at the point in my life where I am able to celebrate mothers day with My Mom and sister.....it's still very hard to take. There is no holiday to celebrate married women with fur children. I am praying for you today (HUGS).

Dena said...

Thanks for your sweet comment. I hope you've made it through the day so far. I can't imagine what you are going through. I have not been on this road quite as long so it was not as hard, BUT part of that is because I did not have to spend it with my side of the family - 2 sisters with 2 year old girls and both due again in a couple of months. As much as I love them, that would have made this day MUCH harder. So we took a day trip to go visit my hubbies parents - no siblings there, no kids. It was nice.

Flakymn said...

Jackie, I will personally celebrate you and your fur children! You are just as valuable as anyone else. My fur baby saved my life during my first year here in Florida.

Becky, I love you and am praying ... God is near.

Stacey said...

You've been in my thoughts this weekend, Becky. I'm so sorry that this is so hard right now. Please know that you are not alone! Church on Mother's Day is one of the many things I just can't bear anymore.

This Mother's Day I wanted to honor all of the beautiful women in my life, including my amazing blog friends. Thank you for being such a special friend to me!

((HUGS))