Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Tough Times

I have definitely been a really bad blogger lately. I am finding it hard to get into a new routine. Going back to work has really messed with my schedule and I am finding it hard to adjust. I feel like I give the majority of my energy to my job. I use to have so much time for Bible study, prayer, fellowship, blogging, and exercise. But I did almost all of them during the day. I have recently managed to start exercising again after a long absence - basically since the beginning of IVF #2. It was just too painful for me to exercise during stims (last cycle my ovaries were touching - did you even know that was possible). After the cycle ended I never got back into my normal routine because of the move. I also know I need to reestablish a time for daily Bible study and prayer. And I want to get back to blogging regularly. I have really missed it and have felt a major void by not doing it. Having a place to give and receive support has been so healing. It helps me to know I am not alone. Right now I need to know that more than ever.

Now that we are settled in, things have really hit me. I really didn't have time to process last cycle's negative due to the move and starting a new job. Starting shortly after my last post, everything hit me - the negative, the end of fertility treatment, the likelihood that we will never have a biological child, and my upcoming unfulfilled due date. It is the last one that is especially hard. I can't get August 11th out of my head. I am haunted by the memories of my m/c. When John and I were at the ER for his esophageal spasms, I couldn't stop remembering the last time I was in the ER. During my time of the month, I am reminded of how it felt to pass our baby. I remember the pain. I remember Dr. S's crushing words. I miss our baby so much. My approaching due date is weighing heavily upon me.

At the same time, infertility is harder for me than it ever has been. My longing for children has not diminished in the slightest. If anything it has gotten stronger. I use to find it hard to pray about my own infertility. I wondered if it was really okay for me to ask God for children. Did doing so mean I was not accepting of His will for my life? I came to understand that it did not mean that at all. Now I find myself praying about children more than ever. I have heard others say that they have begged God for children. Until last night I never had. I have been crying so much lately, I have begun to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this sadness. One of the lines in one of my favorite songs is, "Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always..." (song #6 on my playlist at the bottom of the page). When will my morning come? Will it come? I am struggling to hold on to hope and faith (not saving faith, but faith that God has a plan and a purpose). I want infertility to end. I am tired of running this race.

Over these last couple of days, I have come to realize how much I need to take time to grieve and heal. I jumped back into things too quickly. Once again, I sense the need to step back from some social activities and take time to process everything that has happened. I need to refocus my attention on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith. I need the healing only He can provide.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

7 comments:

A said...

I was so glad to see you had a new post- I have been thinking about you and praying for you. I pray that God will continue to heal you, but I don't think you should feel like you need to rush the healing process. One of my favorite verses in times of trouble is "With us is the Lord our God to help us, and to fight our battles!" (2 Chronicles 32:8)

Jesus loves you and is fighting for you!!

Joia said...

Good to hear from you again... No good words, just know that I love you and am praying for you - and am Really hoping to get together with you in the next couple weeks!

Jackie said...

I am praying too. Please keep us posted on how you are doing!

Our Journey... said...

Thanks for sharing where you currently are in the process. Pulling for you...

Stacey said...

Becky, you are definitely not alone here, my friend. You have all of us supporting you and holding you up in our prayers! I know that these days can be so hard - remembering the loss is hard and the unfulfilled due dates are hard. I'm glad to see you blogging again. Hope you'll be able to get a new routine going. I'm thinking of you.

((HUGS))

Alicia said...

Praying for you....for healing and strength to get through all of this....it's so hard. Praying for a fresh infusion of grace and joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding to be yours in Christ.

I love that verse that you quoted

I Believe in Miracles said...

This post is very beautiful. I pray that God continues to heal you. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
~~HUGS~~