Saturday, November 14, 2009

"Don't Give Up"

I have heard these words from a number of people after telling them John and I were pursuing adoption. On the surface, they sound very positive and encouraging and I fully recognize how well intentioned they are. I should preface this by saying there is no anger at all behind my words. After I wrote a post on what not to say following my miscarriage, I had a number of people tell me they were worried they had said something wrong. So I want to reassure my readers not to worry. Most likely you haven't said anything wrong, and if you have I understand you meant no harm. I guess I am just a little perplexed by these words and I want to write about it in the hopes that it might educate. The thing is when someone says "don't give up," they are not referring to not giving up my hope of having a child, they are saying don't give up on pregnancy. They are usually followed by a story about a miraculous pregnancy or someone who tried for many years who finally got pregnant, all meant to let me know that it might still happen for me. Even worse are the stories about someone who started to pursue adoption and then got pregnant. While these stories are encouraging and it is true that God could perform a miracle if He wills it, I don't think these words quite convey what the speaker is trying to say.

The problem with these words is they imply adoption is "giving up" to pursue a lesser option, that somehow an adopted child is inferior to a biological child. They imply that pregnancy is the ultimate goal and anything else doesn't quite measure up.

My response is that I had not realized I was "giving up." We are not giving up and pursuing a lesser option. We are pursuing a different a option, but one we believe is God's best for us. A child no matter how he or she becomes part of a family is a gift from the Lord. We have committed to allowing God build our family however He chooses because we believe His plans for us are far better than anything we could plan for ourselves.

So I say I am not giving up, I am adopting!!!!!

10 comments:

Joia said...

I totally Applaud you for this post - you are sooo right, and this is a definitely something people need to realize! What a gift, what an opportunity, what a blessing, what an experience, what an adventure... nothing "giving up" about That!! =)

Dave and Elaine said...

VERY well said!

Monika said...

Amen to this post!

Flakymn said...

Oh Becky I sooooooooooo agree!!!! I often felt this way ... as if adoption wasn't awesome in and of itself! It is definitely not plan B. It's plan A! You will never be the same. You are NOT giving up. You are moving in a different, amazing, and wonderful direction. I look so forward to watching your Plan A unfold!

Lisa said...

I am glad you wrote this because I have the exact same thoughts!

Alicia said...

Amen and Amen! People say stuff like this to me a lot too. Adoption is a blessing from God and not a plan B. I was blessed to attend a dinner at church and to hear of all the amazing ways that God builds peoples familys.
I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers God bless!

Stacey said...

LOVE this post, Becky! Very well said. I think it's great for you to clear up misconceptions like these. Adoption is most certainly not "giving up"!

Anonymous said...

I can relate to all of this--thanks so much for sharing, we have the same story.
check this out:
www.wishtobeamommy.com

April said...

I came to your blog through several others but it was exactly what I needed to hear today! Thanks for the encouragment! We just started the adoption process and today has been a really hard day.
And on a side note my dh and I have an all white mini schnauzer! :)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Becky!

Love,
Joanne