A Heavy Heart

I am at another low point in this wait. Nothing is happening and I have no news to report. We hit the 6 month mark on our wait while I was in Turkey. That news should make me happy, we are now over the half-way mark, assuming the maximum wait time of 11 months that we were told. In some ways it does make me happy, but in other ways in makes me incredibly anxious because I want to know WHEN we will travel, especially with our upcoming move (most likely to Tucson, AZ) hanging over my head. I just want to get there already and get settled in to our new house - of course we have to find one first. I keep reminding myself that the Lord's timing is perfect - we will travel at the time we are meant to. I am just hoping the Lord's perfect timing is August :-)

I think the main reason I am having trouble right now is that we haven't had an update on Joshua since we got the news he was hospitalized in January. I feel depressed every time I log-in to the adoption forum I belong to or read other blogs. It seems everyone is getting spontaneous updates (even video) and we have received nothing, which is just so frustrating. We are allowed to request 2 updates; we requested one in the fall shortly after we accepted the referral and I went ahead and emailed our social worker this morning to request a first birthday update. At the last update, Joshua was on track developmentally for his adjusted age, but was far behind what I have seen others reporting from updates on their kiddos. I keep fearing that Joshua hasn't caught up yet and that is why they aren't telling us anything. I know this fear is most likely completely irrational, but unfortunately these thoughts keep popping in my head. Please pray we receive an update and new pictures soon. I am desperate to hear some news about him. I need to know he is more than a figment of my imagination. I need to know how he is doing.

Joshua will turn one on Saturday. The first birthday, called Dol (돌), is a really big deal in Korea, so I am happy Joshua will get to celebrate it in Korea with his foster family. You can read more about this celebration here. While I wish we could have known Joshua during his first year of life, we have so many moments to look forward to with him. But my heart is heavy this week as I think about someone who has lost far more than I - his birthmother. I find myself grieving for her frequently. I can't even think of her without crying. I think often of the terrible pain she must have experienced after he was born when she had to let him go and the agony she has experienced since. No, I don't know for sure what she has or is feeling, but personally I am bothered when others minimize the pain I believe the vast majority of women experience when they are compelled to relinquish a child (whether because of societal or their own personal issues). Okay, I am off my soapbox now.

I will spend this Saturday in Florida surrounded by family and friends at my second shower. I can't help but wonder if she will be alone that day or if she has anyone to share her pain with. All I can do right now is pray for her and later honor her as we raise Joshua, keeping a place for her in our lives always.

Please keep her and Joshua in your prayers this week.