Happy 1st Birthday Jonah RiYoon!

Jonah's 1st birthday was this past Sunday. Joshua and I were in Florida for a bridal shower for my future sister-in-law and to visit my family. It was Joshua's first time meeting his aunts, uncle, and cousins, as well as his first time on an airplane since we brought him home from Korea. He did wonderfully! I think he was actually better behaved than he is at home. He LOVED his cousins.

On Sunday, we went to the beach and wrote a birthday message in the sand for Jonah. I found myself more sad in the weeks and days leading up to his first birthday than on the day itself. My heart was also very heavy thinking about his birth parents. We plan to have a family celebration with Korean food and cake this weekend so that John can celebrate with us.

 

On Monday, we received updated pictures of Jonah with the birthday care package we sent. He is currently just over 20lbs and 29.9 inches. By comparison, Joshua was 30 inches when we brought him home at 16 months, but weighed 30 lbs! It also looks like Jonah is standing independently and most likely has started walking based on the lack of weight gain. Hopefully, I won't get myself in trouble, but here is Jonah's blog debut:

Love his smile and he looks so sweet with the lovey we sent. I am hoping and praying for 1st birthday hanbok pictures and a more substantial update that might give us more insight into his personality. That is one of the hardest things for me, not knowing what my new son is like at all. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, know whether he is outgoing or shy, basically just know who he is. However, I am very grateful for the pictures we have been receiving. We have gotten many more pictures than we got with Joshua, so I am grateful. We have gotten pictures every month since February with the exception of April.

Happy 4th of July!

Still Here!

Wow, how did I let over a month go by without posting anything. I have wanted to sit down and write many times, but haven't been able to due to busyness, fatigue, or simply lack of motivation, which is frustrating to me because I actually have a lot I want to write about. Not to mention I am way behind on posting pictures. :-)

If you think of it, could you please pray for me about this. I have many posts written in my head about our struggles after Joshua came home, more about our adoption transition, and where we are now. Yet I can't seem to write about it.

A number of factors have contributed to the lack of posting. March, April, and May were particularly busy months with lots of good things happening between visitors, birthday celebration, and our adoption finalization. But in addition, starting in May, I went through what has been to date my most difficult parenting time. We have definitely had more difficult times that were adoption related, but this was more typical parenting struggles.

It started with Joshua's 2 year molars beginning to make an appearance. Teething overall has been really hard on him (and me).

Then separation anxiety hit big time. He would cry even harder than he cried the first night home with us when he was grieving for his foster family. This completely shocked me and freaked me out. I started researching adoption and separation anxiety and found an article online about it. What was interesting to me was that in the article, separation anxiety started at exactly the same amount of time home as Joshua, 8 months. I couldn't even leave Joshua with John without a complete meltdown. I had been attending a women's Bible study in my neighborhood where we would let the little ones play in the next room or sometimes a teenage girl would watch them in the upstairs room while we held our study. However, once the separation anxiety hit Joshua would not leave me during the study at all. Once he flipped out so much when I tried to get him to go upstairs that I ended up having to leave because he was inconsolable. It was really hard because I don't leave Joshua at all and so I only get a break when John is able to give me one. I was so upset the day I had to leave Bible study that I called our social worker for advice. I needed advice from an adoption perspective, not completely unhelpful comments about "how he won that one." Our social worker advised that because of his history we should cater to the separation anxiety more than we might if we were parenting a child from birth. She advised that I only leave Joshua with John or places where he was comfortable. She wasn't sure about whether church nursery would be okay or not and suggested I might need to stay in there with him. He had been going to church nursery for 4 months at this point without a problem, so I decided to keep trying. He has lots of friends in the 2 year old classroom and the same lady (also an adoptive mom) works in the nursery every Sunday. Since I never leave Joshua with anyone else, I decided I had to hold firm in 2 areas: leaving him with daddy and once a week at church nursery. I believe John and I need that time together each week. And I also believe Joshua needs to see that I leave and come back. From what I read it said to make a quick good-bye, but to always make sure you say good-bye and not sneak out; tell them mommy will come back; and to leave something with them. I started leaving Joshua a picture of me whenever I went somewhere and left him with John, which John said really helped. Gradually, as we kept to this routine and held firm in the 2 areas, the separation anxiety has lessened. The last 2 weeks at church we have had zero tears when we dropped him off at church nursery!  Now maybe a date night can be in our future. :-)

At the same time as the separation anxiety, Joshua began having major sleep disturbances and I had no idea why. This is what makes me say it was one of my most difficult parenting times so far. It was the not knowing what's what, what is him being 2, what's teething, what's separation anxiety, and why was he suddenly not sleeping well. And most of all what should I do about it all. At first I wasn't sure if a bed or nap time needed to be adjusted because he was waking up really early in the morning. He often does this when he is teething, but then he would compensate by taking a really long nap. Only this time, his naps too were getting shorter and shorter. Then he started having nightmares where he was crying in his sleep for a good part of the night. I read that some children can have separation anxiety disorder which affects their sleep and wondered if maybe this was the issue. Then the night terrors started. I actually made the sleep issue my prayer request at community group. Our group leader ended up getting my prayer request and asked us about it the next Sunday at church so I told him more of what was going on. I believe that solving this puzzle was a direct answer to prayer. Joshua is suspected of having asthma due to the breathing issues and wheezing that happens every time he gets sick. Allergy issues often go hand in hand with asthma and because most people have really bad allergies in Tucson, our PCP put Joshua on 2 types of allergy medications. That week it finally occurred to me that one of these medications could be causing his sleep disturbances and nightmares. So I googled the second medication he was put on, figuring it must be the culprit since it was the most recent addition. I end up finding tons of scary stuff about this medicine and sleep problems so we decide to take him off of it. Only the problem continued even after that medication would have cleared out of his system. We wonder if maybe it was the other medication and so I google it and sleep, and once again found lots of scary stuff. John suggests we try to give it to him at nap time and 45 minutes into his nap Joshua has a night terror. Right then and there we decide to take him off that medication (hint: it starts with a "Z). Wouldn't you know it, Joshua goes right back to sleeping through the night, no more crying half the night in his sleep, no more early wake ups, and no naps. It actually makes me very angry. Doctors throw these very powerful medications out with little to no warnings about their potential serious side effects. I found this blog post, which exactly mirrors our experience.

Anyway, that was our saga. It completely exhausted me. That and the over 100 degree temps EVERY SINGLE DAY - I do not love you Tucson. It has me in a bit of a summer funk. You can't even go outside except in the very very early morning (as in before Joshua is even awake) or in the evenings. I have realized that being stuck inside is not good for my mental health and I need to get more proactive about finding some indoor activities for Joshua and I during the week.

Another part of the funk is the wait for Jonah is starting to get to me. The constant search for information on forums and adoption groups has once again seized a hold of me. He turns one on Sunday.

On a more positive note, it was 10 months ago today that we arrived back in Tucson to begin our lives together as a family of three. It is hard to believe we will celebrate our first Family Day in 2 months. The first 7 months or so didn't fly by, but man oh man how these last few months have flown. I seriously can not believe it is already July.

Adoption Finalized!!!

On Monday, we went to court to finalize Joshua's adoption, concluding a 3 year long journey.

It was almost exactly three years ago that we arrived in DC heartbroken and yet hopeful, heartbroken because our 2nd (and last) IVF cycle was negative, yet hopeful because even in the midst of that cycle we felt our hearts being pulled toward adoption.

Shortly thereafter we began the adoption process. It was a process fraught with many ups and downs and more heartache and loss; an emotional roller coaster is how I hear it often described. But eventually, it led us to our son.

In many ways this final court date was anticlimactic. We have been a family since Joshua was placed in our arms on September 2nd. We sat at a table, answered a few questions in the affirmative, our social worker gave a positive recommendation, and then the judge spoke and signed the order. No gavel, no traditional looking court room, and yet this day was incredibly meaningful to me. I think it is the finality, the officialness, the FOREVER.

In that moment, Joshua JoonSeo became officially, legally, ours forever. And in that moment, he officially took on our last name.

Pictures from the day:

Getting ready for court with daddy.

Handsome boy!

Outside the courtroom, waiting for our turn to go in.

 

With the judge after finalization.

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations." Psalm 89:1

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

My First Mother's Day

My day started out with Joshua and John bringing me breakfast in bed. The memory of Joshua carrying the plate in with his sweet smile will be one I never forget. Truth be told, I didn't actually eat breakfast in bed, but I certainly enjoyed having it brought to me.

And for the first time in a number of years I went to church on Mother's Day. Our church held a parenting presentation (their version of a baby dedication) and so we took part to commit ourselves to raising Joshua to know and love the Lord with all his heart, mind, body, and soul. I jokingly said this was the Lord's way of finally getting me to church on Mother's Day. :-)  Though I have every reason to celebrate this day, and I absolutely celebrate it, my heart is still very much with those who are hurting on Mother's Day. All morning long I couldn't help but think of how painful that service would have been for anyone dealing with infertility. I also think of those mothers who have lost their children, those who are estranged from their children, and those children who have lost their mothers, so many people are hurting on this day.

Almost all the other children being presented were babies, keeping a 2 year old still/entertained is a little more challenging. Fist bumps helped at one point. :-)

I don't remember what Joshua did just before this, but it was obviously funny/embarrassing.

My favorite one, us joined together in prayer as our Pastor prayed. Prayer is very important to me, so I love seeing that Joshua already has an interest in praying. He insists that we hold hands to pray at dinner time. Joshua does not say many words, but when we say "amen" he will often echo us with "men" - it is so cute.

After church, John made lunch and then I took a nap during Joshua's nap time. The rest of the day we just relaxed, talked to our families, and then John made dinner.

When we were in Korea, we bought a Celadon vase for occasions like Mother's Day when we want to remember and honor Joshua's birth mom. John bought two bouquets of flowers, one for me and one for his birth mom. I plan to take a picture of Joshua every year with the vase.These pictures were taken on my new iPhone, my Mother's Day present - I love it!!!

It is still hard to believe that I am actually a part of Mother's Day now. I feel so very blessed to be your mom Joshua JoonSeo.

Happy Birthday Joshua!!!!

Joshua is two today! Hard to believe he has been home almost 8 months and is turning 2 years old.

We are so happy to celebrate this first birthday with him. My friend Cindy is here visiting. We are making lots of Korean food and having a small family party tonight followed by a play date with friends on Friday. Keeping it simple for this first celebration.

Pictures to come!

I feel so very blessed to be your mommy Joshua JoonSeo. I love you sweet boy!

Our First Easter

We had a wonderful first Easter together as a family. It started out on Palm Sunday with John being baptized. This was an answer to over 8 years of prayer, so it was very emotional for me. The first picture is of him giving his testimony. Joshua didn't like it when someone got dunked, he kept saying no, no, no. :-)

On Wednesday of that week, Joshua had his 1st Easter egg hunt. He wasn't all that into finding the eggs. Then when he discovered that candy was inside he wanted to stop right then and open his egg up to start eating it.

On Saturday, we dyed eggs.

Joshua's first Easter basket:

His favorite part of it - balloons!

After church, we had dinner at our community group leader's house and Joshua had his second Easter egg hunt.

The only family photo we managed to get on Easter, hey at least all three of us are in it.

 

I couldn't help but think back to past Easter's and remember the sadness we felt over not having children. One occasion particularly stuck out in my mind as I was thinking about these times. We had been invited by a friend to her house for a neighborhood get-together and Easter egg hunt. We were the only couple without children. I thought I could handle it, thought it would even be fun to watch all the kids. But I don't think we were there 10 minutes before I knew it was a huge mistake to have gone. We ended up leaving in a hurry as I struggled to hold back the tears. How different this year was, gloriously different.

I remember another Easter at my dad's church where the pastor preached about God's resurrection power. At the end of the service, he had us write down on a piece of paper where in our lives we needed God's resurrection power. At the time, my sister had just been diagnosed with cancer so of course I wrote that down (and praise God she is now cancer free). But at the last minute just before the cards were collected, I wrote down our infertility. I knew this was the place where I most needed God's power in my life.

I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks in gratitude because indeed God's resurrection power has triumphed. Though barren, He has made me a mother and brought Joshua into our family. Wherever you are on your infertility and/or adoption journey (or any painful situation), know this, the same power that raised Christ from the dead is act work in your situation.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:18-21