It's hard to believe it has already been a week since we lost our baby girl. I found out from the doctor that they aren't going to do any genetic testing. Apparently, they only do that when you have multiple miscarriages. So we will just have to go with what our hearts have told us in regard to the baby's sex. I actually had a dream right before we started IVF that I would have a baby girl.
Last Friday's beta was about 2000, down from 10,000 at the ER on Tuesday evening. The 10,000 level was already lower than it should have been due to the fact that our baby actually died shortly after the eight week ultrasound. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. When I look at the post I did at nine weeks with all the pictures, it is not the pictures that bother me, it is the thought that sometime within the account of what we did for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day or that weekend, our baby died and we had no idea. This past Tuesday my beta was in the 400s. My doctor seemed pretty happy with these numbers. I go back next Tuesday for another beta. The doctor says that one may be less than 10. Even though I know this is a good thing in terms of avoiding a D&C, it just makes me so sad. Even though I know I have already lost her, seeing the confirmation in these numbers is just so hard.
Since I last posted the days have gone by in a blur and I find that suddenly I am at the end of another day. I think some of the initial shock and numbness has worn off and I found myself getting really angry, mostly with God, about what has happened. In the initial days, I felt every one's prayers carrying me through, but this past weekend I felt like I was crying out to God and getting no answer at all. I didn't feel like He was with me at all. I know that the Lord says He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe this to be true. But to be honest, it felt like God had abandoned me in the midst of my darkest days. I have heard others talk about times when they experienced similar feelings and the need to trust God's word rather than your feelings. Yesterday, it felt like things turned around a bit and I began to have some of the peace which had been alluding me. I also had a sense that ultimately things would be okay and that I would get through this eventually. However, I did decide to meet once a week with a grief counselor from my church.
One of the things I am wrestling with right now is this - How do I resume my normal daily activities after such a profound loss? It just doesn't feel right to me to just go on living my life. I know that there are some things that would be beneficial for me, like exercise, but I just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process and to go on means acceptance which I am nowhere near.