Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Grief and anger

It's hard to believe it has already been a week since we lost our baby girl. I found out from the doctor that they aren't going to do any genetic testing. Apparently, they only do that when you have multiple miscarriages. So we will just have to go with what our hearts have told us in regard to the baby's sex. I actually had a dream right before we started IVF that I would have a baby girl.

Last Friday's beta was about 2000, down from 10,000 at the ER on Tuesday evening. The 10,000 level was already lower than it should have been due to the fact that our baby actually died shortly after the eight week ultrasound. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. When I look at the post I did at nine weeks with all the pictures, it is not the pictures that bother me, it is the thought that sometime within the account of what we did for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day or that weekend, our baby died and we had no idea. This past Tuesday my beta was in the 400s. My doctor seemed pretty happy with these numbers. I go back next Tuesday for another beta. The doctor says that one may be less than 10. Even though I know this is a good thing in terms of avoiding a D&C, it just makes me so sad. Even though I know I have already lost her, seeing the confirmation in these numbers is just so hard.

Since I last posted the days have gone by in a blur and I find that suddenly I am at the end of another day. I think some of the initial shock and numbness has worn off and I found myself getting really angry, mostly with God, about what has happened. In the initial days, I felt every one's prayers carrying me through, but this past weekend I felt like I was crying out to God and getting no answer at all. I didn't feel like He was with me at all. I know that the Lord says He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe this to be true. But to be honest, it felt like God had abandoned me in the midst of my darkest days. I have heard others talk about times when they experienced similar feelings and the need to trust God's word rather than your feelings. Yesterday, it felt like things turned around a bit and I began to have some of the peace which had been alluding me. I also had a sense that ultimately things would be okay and that I would get through this eventually. However, I did decide to meet once a week with a grief counselor from my church.

One of the things I am wrestling with right now is this - How do I resume my normal daily activities after such a profound loss? It just doesn't feel right to me to just go on living my life. I know that there are some things that would be beneficial for me, like exercise, but I just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process and to go on means acceptance which I am nowhere near.

10 comments:

Courtney said...

big hugs. I also had the anger not long after I found out about my loss probably a week later. I was so angry that it actually scared me. My counselor told me later that anger is one of the first stages of grief and that what I was feeling was normal and healthy. I also tried to jump right back into life too fast, and I think that made me take a step backwards in the grieving process. You really don't have to get back to normal activities now. Give yourself some time, and you will know when it feels right to get back into things. I know how much your heart aches right now. It does get better, but it takes time.

Allison said...

I came over to your blog via Wendy's blog. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have been trying to have a baby for about 3 years. We decided to adopt rather than continue with fertility treatments. Know that the anger and frustration and sense of alone-ness is exactly what I have felt at times regarding our infertility. I also have felt like the Lord has even hurt my feelings b/c He has acted in ways I don't understand. I think that He is completely capable to handle all of these questions and thoughts. Pour out your heart to Him!

In my Bible study today we read the story about Lazarus and talked about how Jesus truly is a tender-hearted, compassionate God. I know He sees your tears and is saddened by your pain - even though He is allowing it to take place.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you now. Take care

Stacey said...

Becky, it was so good to get your comment. I'm planning to send you an e-mail soon so we can talk further. Just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're continuing to write out your feelings. I think it's definitely normal to feel angry. Also, I agree that it's good to give yourself some time. It's impossible to predict how long, but don't feel like you have to hurry!

Dave and Elaine said...

Praying for you.

areyoukiddingme said...

A wise friend told me, after my miscarriage, "Take all the time you need to grieve." You can resume your normal activities any time, but don't expect to be enthusiastic, or even motivated, about them until the time is right. Grieving is a long, slow process, which sucks all of your energy. You just muddle through the rest until grieving takes up less of your energy. Then you will start to feel a little more motivation. You can't snap right back into life "before."

But doing those normal things that are beneficial to you...that does not diminish your love or longing for your baby. It doesn't mean that you've shrugged it off, only that you realize that your life is not over. Your life isn't over, it's now a different life than you expected to lead.

My sympathies on the loss of your little girl...

iambrowneyedgirl said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

Take all the time you need. I am so sorry for your loss. You never forget, but with time things get a little easier.

this one said...

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.
Please don't let anyone force you into shortening your grieving. You have every right to mourn this loss however you have to. This is a terrible thing we have to go through and I am so sorry you have to go through it.

Flakymn said...

Areyoukiddingme said it right on. There are no rules for grief -- take as long as you need in just the way you need ...

Just thinking of you today.