Thursday, January 15, 2009


Our baby has gone home to be with the Lord. Miscarriage appears to be complete.

After the ultrasound our doctor told us we had 3 options - watch and wait, medication, or D&C. I wanted to avoid a D&C if at all possible, I just felt that option would be the most traumatic for me personally. I was leaning toward medication, but I wanted to check with our RE to see if it mattered which option we went with as far as a future IVF cycle. They recommended a D&C, but mainly because some people end up having to have a D&C even after taking the medication and they were concerned about how far along I was. His nurse also told me that it took 3 weeks for her when she took the medication. That sounded agonizing to me, so I started thinking maybe I should go with the D&C. So I talked with our doctor again to get more details about the medication. He felt like we should go with the medication, especially since he knew how much I wanted to avoid a D&C. He explained that it usually did not take that long and because that baby actually died shortly after our last ultrasound it was much smaller than 10 weeks. He also put me in touch with a female colleague of his who had experienced miscarriages herself. I am so thankful for both of these doctors, they are both Christians and I know they (along with many others) have been praying for us. She told me exactly what to expect if I went the watch and wait route and what to expect with the medication. She said that if you went the watch and wait route you usually start bleeding for 7-10 days and then cramping begins, followed by contractions. She said the medication would basically speed up and condense this process into a shorter period of time. She also told me that if it had been available at the time for her she would have gone with the medication. We decided we would go with the medication. We were supposed to go in yesterday morning.

But that isn't how it happened. I can't explain the timing at all. The ER doctor said she thought that when we get the news that there is no heartbeat, our body responds as we find out this news. I don't really accept this explanation because I was still hoping for a miracle prior to the miscarriage starting. I think it is the Lord's mercy that He brought it about so quickly and that He allowed me to know that there was no heartbeat prior to the start of the miscarriage. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through what we went through Tuesday night without already knowing there was no heartbeat. I also couldn't help but think maybe it was answer to prayer that it would not drag on. I clicked on the profiles and blogs of so many of you that left comments Tuesday and saw that many of you have experienced your own losses. It is amazing to me that the miscarriage happened that day right after I posted when I had so many people praying for me.

After we got back from the doctor, I began spotting. At first I thought it was because of the exam, but it began to get heavier. Throughout the day the bleeding got heavier and heavier. Initially, I was having cramps like menstrual cramps, but by Tuesday evening they were contractions. They got closer together and more intense as the night wore on. I had no idea that a miscarriage was so much like labor (it makes sense that it would be, but I had no idea). John and I sat on the couch and then on our living room floor when things got really intense. He rubbed my back much like he would have if I was in labor. The whole experience felt so much like you would imagine giving birth feels. Only there was no baby at the end. By a little before midnight, I just couldn't take the pain any more. I was nauseous and doubled over in pain so we decided to go to the ER. Thankfully they took me straight back and gave me some morphine and anti-nausea medication. I think I was experiencing the height of it right then because shortly after getting to the ER I passed a large mass (I don't know if it was baby, placenta, or what). After that it seemed like the cramps started to go down a bit. When she did an ultrasound she said it looked like everything was gone except for one large clot. They gave me a little more pain medication before we left as well as another medication called cytotec to make sure everything gets cleared out. When we got home I passed another large mass. I was and am still cramping, but more like menstrual cramps now. Wednesday morning we went to see Dr. S for a follow-up. He gave me more cytotec to take yesterday, as well as more pain medication. After taking the medication I would have cramping, but nothing like what I experienced Tuesday night. From what I understand, this medication makes your uterus contract so that if there is anything still in there it can pass out. This didn't happen so hopefully that means everything has passed and I won't have to have a D&C. I called in to talk to the doctor (the female one who told me what to expect) today, she doesn't think I need to go in unless the bleeding or cramping gets worse rather than lessening or I get a fever.

I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping, partly because I got no sleep Tuesday night and partly because of the pain medication. I spent the rest of the time crying, watching TV, or on the computer. It was actually a great comfort for both John and I to check the blog or our emails and read the comments. I was not familiar with Lost and Found and Connections Abound until yesterday. Thank you to whoever sent my name into the site on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed by the support I received and it was truly an example of what the site hopes to accomplish. John and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from family and friends. Last night Monika from our small group brought us dinner. I have been fortunate to never have had a major illness or surgery so I have never been on the receiving end of a meal before. I would never have imagined what a comfort a meal can provide someone who is grieving. I can't tell you how much John and I appreciated it. I don't think I've ever eaten a more comforting meal in my life.

I think that some phone calls are okay now. I just really didn't want to have to keep repeating what had happened over and over again. I still don't want to and to be perfectly honest I am not one that wants to talk right away after something has happened. If you do call, please understand that I may tell you I don't want to talk right now.


Monika said...

I'm just crying for you and John and the loss of your little one. Still keeping you guys in my prayers. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

You don't know me. I am a member of Hannah's Prayer forum and a regular follower of Wendy (life in the polar north)'s blog.

I had a miscarriage over 2 years ago. It was devastating. I am praying for you and so very sorry for the loss of your precious precious baby.

HP friend

Denise said...

I am lifting you up in prayer today. I have gone through similar circumstances, and while I hated going through it, I can honestly say that was the hardest thing I ever want to go through.

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and while I know that my words might not mean much, I'm praying for you that God would cover you with a blanket of peace that passes all understanding.

Stacey said...

I've been thinking of you so much for the past few days. I want you to know that I'll still be lifting you up in prayer. I know this doesn't make you feel better, but your story brought me right back there to my own experiences. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is and how hard it will be as you grieve. Take as long as you need for that and don't be afraid to tell your friends and family what you need.

(Btw, you may not be ready for this right now but I just wanted you to know that I've had m/c's naturally and by D&C. I would be fine with answering any questions you might have about either, anytime.)

Mark and Niki said...

I am praying for you right now. May you feel God's loving arms holding you up right now. I know your pain.

Flakymn said...

.... still praying.

Cindy said...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11
I cannot even begin imagine the pain you must feel at this moment... I am so sorry for your loss of your precious little one.

Please know that I will be fasting and praying for you and John tonight. You don't need to talk if you don't want to, even if someone to cry with is only thing you need at this moment, I'm here for you.