Friday, January 16, 2009

Grief

Grief has been so heavy last night and this morning. There are moments when I am in shock and numb and then something jars me out of that state and I begin grieving again. Often it is seeing someone for the first time so be forewarned that if you stop by or I run into you, I may start crying. There is something about seeing our grief reflected on the faces of those that love us. This is not a bad thing, tears are healing and I need to grieve. I know so many people are grieving right along with us. Sometimes it helps me to grieve when I think about the grief that others are feeling. It's almost like it's easier for me to think about the grief others are feeling for me than it is to directly feel my own grief. That probably doesn't make much sense, but that is the best I can do to describe it right now.

Today I went in to get my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels are. I can remember anxiously waiting for John to call me to let me know what my hCG level was after we found out we were pregnant. Now we have to wait for it to go back down. It seems weird to now be hoping for low levels, but if they don't go down, I will have to have a D&C. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a nurse at one of the medical clinics here on base so I was able to go in to his clinic and have him draw my blood rather than go to the lab and potentially face questions.

I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that this was the loss of what was likely to have been our only child (and may end up being our only child, only God knows). It is not like we can just get pregnant again. It was not always my hearts desire to be a wife and mother. Before I was a Christian, I was always very achievement oriented and once I became a Christian I wanted to do "big things" for God. But as God has taught me to find my adequacy in Him, I have found that my desire to be a wife and mother has only grown stronger. There really is nothing else I want to be. It seemed like my dreams were finally coming true. John is getting ready to start a great program to become a Family Nurse Practitioner, we are moving back to DC where we met and got married, John will be getting a huge pay raise in August when our baby was due, and we were going to have a baby. Everything was lining up and it seemed like God's perfect timing. But now the thought of going back to DC is so painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for our time there involving the new addition to our family.

I do question why God led us to do IVF and allowed it to work, only to take our baby home so early. But at the same time John and I have both said that we are happy to have had her (we feel like our baby was a girl) even for a little bit. John keeps reminding me that I am a mother, my babies are just in heaven. We do have a name picked out, but I want to wait until the lab report comes back before announcing it in case we are wrong about the sex.

We are both so appreciative of the comments on the blog, emails, cards, flowers, meals, and support we have received. It has given us a lot of comfort. Most of all we are thankful for your prayers. I know that so many people want to do something for us, but don't know what they can do and many feel powerless to help us. Pray. That is what you can do. It is what we need the most of. Only God can provide the healing, comfort, strength, and peace we need.

6 comments:

Flakymn said...

I think your blog makes perfect sense . . . sometimes seeing other people I loved hurt for me was worse than hurting myself. It was often why I relied in support from people outside my immediate circle of close family.

I have asked God the same questions. I ask him quite often why we had to spend $___ on IVF when none of it even worked! We could have done so many great things for the Lord with that money.

Praying that someday you can see why the Lord's hand had to move in the direction it did. For now though, I am asking him the same questions about your situation as you are.

Stacey said...

It's so good to have updates on how you're doing. You've still been heavy on my heart. Your faith is so strong, Becky. That is evident in your writing! Thank you for your example of what it's like to live for the Lord and praise Him and trust Him even when it hurts.

Cindy said...

We are praying for you and John... Know that so many of us here are thinking of you and praying for you each day. You are an inspiration Becky. I am so humbled by your faith even through this extremely painful experience. I didn't want to disturb you right now but know that you are in my heart and my mind.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Praying for you.
~~HUGS~~

Dave and Elaine said...

I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Becky, I can totally relate to everything you spoke about with your feelings of grief. After over 7yrs of PI and various treatments, we were finally delighted to be pregnant with two little miracles through IVF w ICSI in October 2008. On December 15th at 8weeks 4days we went for our second u/s, only to be told that both of our precious babies had died. I'm so, so very sorry for the loss of your precious, beautiful baby. I know this awful grief you are going through right now and I know there's really nothing anyone can say which will make you feel any better. I just want you to know that as we also greive the loss of our babies, I'm praying for you and your husband at this devastating time, that you may feel God's loving arms wrapped around you, even at times of the deepest grief when you may not even want to be held by Him. Thank you for sharing your heart through your blog.

gracewitchell@btinternet.com