Grief has been so heavy last night and this morning. There are moments when I am in shock and numb and then something jars me out of that state and I begin grieving again. Often it is seeing someone for the first time so be forewarned that if you stop by or I run into you, I may start crying. There is something about seeing our grief reflected on the faces of those that love us. This is not a bad thing, tears are healing and I need to grieve. I know so many people are grieving right along with us. Sometimes it helps me to grieve when I think about the grief that others are feeling. It's almost like it's easier for me to think about the grief others are feeling for me than it is to directly feel my own grief. That probably doesn't make much sense, but that is the best I can do to describe it right now.
Today I went in to get my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels are. I can remember anxiously waiting for John to call me to let me know what my hCG level was after we found out we were pregnant. Now we have to wait for it to go back down. It seems weird to now be hoping for low levels, but if they don't go down, I will have to have a D&C. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a nurse at one of the medical clinics here on base so I was able to go in to his clinic and have him draw my blood rather than go to the lab and potentially face questions.
I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that this was the loss of what was likely to have been our only child (and may end up being our only child, only God knows). It is not like we can just get pregnant again. It was not always my hearts desire to be a wife and mother. Before I was a Christian, I was always very achievement oriented and once I became a Christian I wanted to do "big things" for God. But as God has taught me to find my adequacy in Him, I have found that my desire to be a wife and mother has only grown stronger. There really is nothing else I want to be. It seemed like my dreams were finally coming true. John is getting ready to start a great program to become a Family Nurse Practitioner, we are moving back to DC where we met and got married, John will be getting a huge pay raise in August when our baby was due, and we were going to have a baby. Everything was lining up and it seemed like God's perfect timing. But now the thought of going back to DC is so painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for our time there involving the new addition to our family.
I do question why God led us to do IVF and allowed it to work, only to take our baby home so early. But at the same time John and I have both said that we are happy to have had her (we feel like our baby was a girl) even for a little bit. John keeps reminding me that I am a mother, my babies are just in heaven. We do have a name picked out, but I want to wait until the lab report comes back before announcing it in case we are wrong about the sex.
We are both so appreciative of the comments on the blog, emails, cards, flowers, meals, and support we have received. It has given us a lot of comfort. Most of all we are thankful for your prayers. I know that so many people want to do something for us, but don't know what they can do and many feel powerless to help us. Pray. That is what you can do. It is what we need the most of. Only God can provide the healing, comfort, strength, and peace we need.