Last Thursday, while I was at work, I received the news that we won't be adopting Y. This was the designated adoption from South Korea I wrote about here and here. In the post from January (the second link), I wrote about how I wasn't sure what was best and had begun to pray that C be able to parent Y. As I began to learn more and more about the losses of adoption, I became less and less convinced it would really be best for us to adopt Y. The toddler age it one of the most difficult for such a loss to occur. I truly know and believe that this is for the best. Thinking about Y losing her mother was absolutely heartbreaking to me. I am so happy she will not have to go through this. But at the same time, I was sad for us. Even though I had begun to have doubts about the situation and in many ways I feel the Lord prepared me for it, I was still very sad. Even though I tried not to get too attached, Y took up residence in my heart. I know what people mean when they say a child "grew in my heart" rather than their womb. I had begun to picture her as our daughter. I ended up having to leave work early after hearing the news. My boss tried to comfort me by saying what good news it was that we were approved and that we will have a child soon. But what she didn't understand is that it was about THIS child. And I needed time to grieve this loss, however intangible it was.
I took the rest of the afternoon and evening to process everything. I even did some journaling to get my thoughts out. I actually could see a number of positives. First, the situation with Y put us on the path of Korean adoption, which I still believe is the right path for us. More and more I feel that domestic adoption in the state of Maryland was not the right choice for us (30 days until parental rights are terminated). Second, there was a quick resolution after we received approval and so we didn't have to keep wondering which path we were going down. In addition, we will mostly like be able to adopt a younger child, 10 months to 1 year old, so we will be able to bond and attach sooner. And of course, Y gets to stay with her mom, in her own culture and country.
Friday morning, I got a pregnancy announcement (one I had been anticipating and am very happy about), but it was one of those times where I felt like I couldn't take anything else. Pregnancy announcements are not about being envious or jealous, for me they jolt me out of my denial and remind me of this hurt and longing in my heart. I question God - why have we been chosen to walk this path and why are we still waiting. As far as Y, I questioned why God brought her into our life, only to take her. The truth is I am weak and fearful. My faith was shaken. I began to wonder whether God would lead us toward Korean adoption and then take it from us as well. It was so clear that God orchestrated the entire situation with Y and yet it was not to be. It reminded me of our first IVF when we felt so clearly led by God and then we miscarried. I often start my day off at work by reading Blackaby Ministries International Day by Day devotional. On Friday, the devotion for the day was, "God’s Ways Are Not Our Ways" on Isaiah 55:8-9:
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
This was the exact verse that was a comfort to me after my miscarriage. Even when we are following God's will, things don't always turn out as we think they will, God's thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not His ways. It was exactly the reminder I needed.
I was encouraged by my hubby and my cousin's faith that YES we will have a child. I needed to borrow their faith, because I was certainly lacking. I had to repent and confess my weakness, fear, and lack of faith to the Lord.
I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him.
Lord, please take away my worry and fear. Help me to trust you more.
Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24