Monday, April 19, 2010

Joy is Coming

Life feels very busy lately! Now that we have gotten through the main part of the adoption paperwork (and the fact that I have pretty much given up on trying to complete all my homework and reading for my class (Perspectives on the World Christian movement) at church - it is too much!), I have been trying to catch up with friends. Friday night two of my closest friends came over and we spent some time praying together. I have many friends who are single and desiring to be married. In almost every area of my life - friends, work, church, and family - I know of people desiring marriage. I have had a strong desire to be praying for all of them lately so it was a blessing to be able to pray with my friends about this. On Sunday, I went to a bridal shower for another friend. It was wonderful to see friends that I don't usually get to see since we don't live near each other.

However, there were parts of the bridal shower that were hard for me. And I hate feeling like this. As it often does at these type of events, talk turns to how many children the couple "plans" to have. Someone said a beautiful prayer for the bride-to-be. In the prayer, she asked the Lord to make their marriage fruitful and produce children. There is nothing wrong with this at all, I always pray for friends who are getting married to not experience infertility. But I found myself wondering why the Lord hasn't allowed our marriage to be "fruitful." And why for most people they get to "plan" how many children they will have and when they will have them. At times like these, I have a tendency to fall back into old thought patterns, thinking that maybe it is because I am unworthy of God's blessing and maybe if I had been a better person we would experience His blessing of children. I know thoughts like these are wrong. The blessings we receive are because God is good, not because of anything we do. Sometimes it is hard not to let my thoughts get away from me wondering why we have to walk this difficult path. Today I happened to hear a song on A's blog (Lisa also posted about it) by Josh Wilson that really spoke to me. These lyrics in particular really jumped out at me:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

The pain of now can't compare to the joy that is coming! I am holding on to this right now. Listen to "Before the morning" below.


Flakymn said...

I completely understand this Becky. I still feel this when people talk about wanting a certain number or a certain sex. Still.

But, I want to tell you that I am looking forward to the fruit your marriage does produce!!! It may come a different way but man it will be cool to see!

Hannah said...

Oh those lyrics are beautiful! And yes, I'd feel the same way at a bridal shower like that, how depressing, except we know that God is creating something wonderful out of infertility. I know there must be some reason for going through this - to reach out to someone, to actually adopt when I wouldn't have otherwise, something that God wants me to do for a larger purpose. I'll be praying that God continues to comfort you and support you through the adoption process. You're such a great encouragement to me.

Lisa said...

Oh I hate it when the conversation starts moving towards the children talk. Most of the time you can feel it coming and want to make an escape before it gets uncomfortable...but that is not always appropriate. I just get sad when people take fertility for granted.

Stacey said...

Becky, you are so blessed already, in your faith, your marriage, and your friendships -- you certainly are a blessing to me! I can't wait to see what God has in store for you as you patiently follow and wait for Him.

Dave and Elaine said...

That is SOOOOOO true....the pain you are feeling won't even compare to the JOY you will feel when you have that baby in your arms and know he/she is YOURS and the baby God planned ALL ALONG for you to have.

A said...

So glad it spoke to you!! This was a beautiful reflection :)