I have hit a bit of a rough spot over this past week regarding our adoption wait. I have been completely unmotivated to do much of anything. Emotionally, I have been at a low point and there have been days where I just felt like crawling in bed and crying. I have several posts in my drafts, but haven't felt motivated to write anything. I wish I could explain why I feel this way. I feel like my emotions fluctuate based on the receiving of information. After we got an update and then new pictures, I was on an emotional high. I could barely contain my excitement. I felt so hopeful and the wait didn't seem so bad. But as time has passed from our last bit of news, there has been a steady descent in my emotional state. It all begins to feel so far off again and I feel as if I will never be holding our son. Ultimately, I think what I am feeling is that Joshua doesn't feel as "real." I am longing for a connection with him and right now the only way I am able to feel that connection is through updates and pictures.
How I wish Eastern and our agency, though it is probably mostly in Eastern's control, could establish a regular schedule for giving updates on our children. It would be so much better if I knew I was going to get an update every 3 months. Then I wouldn't have to wait and hope to receive one every month. I would know when to expect them. This is the number one thing I would tell our adoption agency if given the chance to let them know how they could help the wait. Number two, would be allowing us to send more care packages. Our agency only allows us to send two packages over the course of our 11 month wait. Other agencies allow families to send one every month. I have heard that the foster moms judge how much a family loves a child based on the number of care packages they send. And unfortunately, I don't think they are aware what agency we are with and our particular agency's rules. This absolutely kills me to think that Joshua's foster mother would think we don't love him.
Speaking of care packages, I am getting ready to send Joshua his second one, which I am trying to time for his birthday in April. Hopefully, this will provide a bit of a pick-me-up for a while.
But ultimately, I know where my true pick-me-up comes from.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5