Thursday, March 3, 2011

A Rough Spot

I have hit a bit of a rough spot over this past week regarding our adoption wait. I have been completely unmotivated to do much of anything. Emotionally, I have been at a low point and there have been days where I just felt like crawling in bed and crying. I have several posts in my drafts, but haven't felt motivated to write anything. I wish I could explain why I feel this way. I feel like my emotions fluctuate based on the receiving of information. After we got an update and then new pictures, I was on an emotional high. I could barely contain my excitement. I felt so hopeful and the wait didn't seem so bad. But as time has passed from our last bit of news, there has been a steady descent in my emotional state. It all begins to feel so far off again and I feel as if I will never be holding our son. Ultimately, I think what I am feeling is that Joshua doesn't feel as "real." I am longing for a connection with him and right now the only way I am able to feel that connection is through updates and pictures.

How I wish Eastern and our agency, though it is probably mostly in Eastern's control, could establish a regular schedule for giving updates on our children. It would be so much better if I knew I was going to get an update every 3 months. Then I wouldn't have to wait and hope to receive one every month. I would know when to expect them. This is the number one thing I would tell our adoption agency if given the chance to let them know how they could help the wait. Number two, would be allowing us to send more care packages. Our agency only allows us to send two packages over the course of our 11 month wait. Other agencies allow families to send one every month. I have heard that the foster moms judge how much a family loves a child based on the number of care packages they send. And unfortunately, I don't think they are aware what agency we are with and our particular agency's rules. This absolutely kills me to think that Joshua's foster mother would think we don't love him.

Speaking of care packages, I am getting ready to send Joshua his second one, which I am trying to time for his birthday in April. Hopefully, this will provide a bit of a pick-me-up for a while.

But ultimately, I know where my true pick-me-up comes from.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

10 comments:

thewonderfulhappens said...

each segment of an adoption brings with it its own crazymaking. What you are feeling is normal.....and it sucks. I'm sorry!

Grace said...

hang in there, becky...totally know how sucky this part is. but joshua *is* so very real and each day that you get through the wait is one day closer to having your boy in your arms.

Lisa said...

I wish I could hurry this process up for you!!!! I want Joshua home with you so badly and I'm not even his mommy! :) You continue to be in my prayers Becky as the Lord brings your name to mind...

Christy said...

Big hugs! I'm keeping you in my prayers! I can only begin to imagine all you're going through! We should get together sometime soon to take our minds off of waiting (well, not completely but at least have something positive to look forward to). :)

Jen said...

I could've written this myself. I know EXACTLY how you feel, because it is also how I feel. We'll get through this somehow! **hugs**

Dave and Elaine said...

Oh Becky I am not even going to pretend I know what this wait is like but I can only imagine it is pure torcher. To know that your son is out there, but yet you know so little about him. It makes complete and total sense that you would feel these emotional highs when you get an update and then spiral down into an emotional low after going months not hearing anything. I wish there was something I could do or say to make this better! I like what someone already said: Every day is one day closer to you having him in your arms.
And I do know that anytime God has us in a waiting period, He has MUCH to teach us. Let him speak to you. (I know you are!) And thanks for sharing this low time with us so we can pray that God will lift your spirits someway, somehow.

Amy said...

Becky, I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. It really is a huge roller coaster we are riding during this waiting time! I had a really hard time a couple of weeks ago. Although at the time I thought I would never get through it, the Lord did help me through. It doesn't seem right not to recieve updates on our children! I have days where I think I will wake up and realize that all along I was dreaming this all up and it isn't even real.
I will be praying specifically that you will receive some encouragement soon! I wish so badly that you could send more care packages to Joshua. I know that helps me out a lot to be able to send packages to Parker! Enjoy getting together his birthday package! I think that getting him that star would be a good idea so he can hear your voice. That will be something that he can have with him until he hears your voice in person! You could even "speak" the words to twinkle twinkle instead of "singing" them. :)

Alicia said...

I'm sure that I would be feeling the same way. I don't have much to say exept that I'm praying for you and your sweet baby Joshua. Also that the foster Mom would know that you love him very much.

I love the verse that you picked out!

Sandra said...

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I hope that you can find some peace again soon.

Across the Miles Photography said...

I stumbled upon your blog today, but this articulated exactly what I've been feeling in our adoption wait. We too are adopting from Korea through Eastern & we received our referral 4 months ago. We haven't received any updates yet & I have been so down this week. (I totally feel like I could just lay on my couch, watch mindless tv, and not move for a week...which is so unlike me!) It just felt good to read someone else feel the same way I do! I'll be praying for you...and I'll have to keep following your blog! :)