Monday, July 16, 2012

Feeling So Alone

Alternatively titled, "Crying in Church Every Sunday has Resumed." I hope this post doesn't come off too whiny, I am just feeling very sad and alone right now in regards to our second adoption. It is very rare for anyone to ask me about Jonah or ask how I am doing with the wait to bring him home. And it just makes me feel so alone. I wish people would ask me about it.

I can't help but contrast my current experience with that of a number of expectant moms around me. Their pregnancies are an ongoing topic of conservation, and rightly so. After all, a new life is coming into the world and their family is growing. That is something very exciting and is absolutely cause for celebration.

But our family is growing too. Yet no one asks me about it, which makes me feel like no one cares, like the way our family is being built is unworthy of celebration, that is is somehow "less than."

I realize that a growing belly gives a visible reminder of the upcoming event, and therefore prompts conversation. And I realize that no one has had the intention of being uncaring or hurting me. I write this post, not to criticize, but to say I need support too. I too want to celebrate what is happening in my family.

The thing is there are a lot of differences in growing your family by adoption versus the traditional way. I don't have a growing belly - other than when I let adoption stress get the better of me and start stress eating ;) - to remind me that my family is about to change. The new life, in our case, is already here, growing up half way around the world without us. We have no due date, only a hope and a prayer of when he will join our family. These things are very hard and make the adoption wait absolutely agonizing at times.

So if you know someone that is waiting to bring home a child by adoption please reach out to them, celebrate with them, joyfully anticipate the arrival of their child with them. Let them know you care, offer a word of encouragement, and most of all pray for them (and let them know you are praying). And if you know me, please ask me about Jonah. I have 2 sons, one is Joshua, and the other is Jonah. One has been home almost a year, the other will hopefully be home some time next year. Both are cause for celebration and both deserve to be joyfully anticipated every bit as much as a child that joins a family by birth.


thewonderfulhappens said...

You are so right, Becky!! Maybe you should start having Joshua wear a "Big Brother" shirt everywhere you go just to get conversation started!!

Sherri said...

Becky! Thanks so much for sharing this! I think for me, I've been purposeful about not mentioning Jonah because I'm afraid that bringing him up would make you sad. But as I consider it now, I would want to talk about my son whether he was here or thousands of miles away too!

Making the parallel to pregnancy was very helpful to me. Thanks for being so candid about your experience. I know so little about adoption and the process and the emotion involved ... I'll be more purposeful about asking questions ;-)

Love you Becks!

Melissa Renno said...

Becky, Even though my experience has been different than yours, I completely understand what you mean! I've chosen to believe that when people are insensitive or seem uninterested, it's more about them feeling uncomfortable or uncertain about how you feel about it then them truly not being interested. I think your friend Sherri said it perfectly! As sad as it is, adoption and all that comes with it, is so foreign to so many, so I think it has to be our job to start the dialogue. But please know that I am thrilled for you and you at least have one person who understands exactly how you feel. I can't wait to see you with both of your boys in your arms!!!

Lisa said...

Ick...I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way but so glad that you are being honest about what you need. I'm having a particularly icky day myself. Wanna have a pity party together? Just kidding. That's not what God wants for us even though we feel like it sometimes. Praying for you and for Jonah!

Wendi Kitsteiner said...

Well said Becky! My mission became one to educate people about infertility and then adoption ... this is another area that even I, the educated, need education on. Kudos for not being afraid to do it!

Amy said...

You deserve a big hug! You have such a tender heart, I know you are a wonderful momma. I am glad you wrote this post. It's so easy to put the "pretty stuff" on blogs. Your honesty is heartfelt and appreciated. I have experienced some of the same feelings you so beautifully expressed. I longed for people to ask me about Samuel when we were waiting for him.
Big hugs from my boys to yours~ and even a tail wag to Annie, from our little Schnauzer, Ellie! :)

Holly said...

I totally agree with you. It hurts when people don't ask or let you know they are thinking about you and your growing family. I found theses amazing shirts on this one website because I think it will help bring up the topic. I'm waiting to get mine. If you want the site I can get it for you. Praying for you and your growing family

Stephanie said...

So happy to hear about Jonah! Congrats! I look forward to meeting him someday. Preferably soon. :)

Wishing you peace as you wait.

P.S. I like the first commenter's idea of having Joshua wear a "Big Brother" shirt. That would be a great conversation-starter.

collaredfairy0304 said...

It hurts me to see others hurting. You dont know me, but I want you to know, that i am sorry you are experiencing this. You are human and have feelings, and I am thankful you are getting them for some relief. Isnt it great to know however, that someday all of these things will no longer cause us pain. I am saying a prayer for you.