Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Deployment
I have struggled to write this post so much, I don't want it to be real I guess. Plus, I have a tendency to shutdown after difficult news, often withdrawing from family and friends and finding it difficult to write for a while.
We found out in August that John is going to be deployed to Afghanistan. Orders are now in hand, so any hope we had of it being canceled is now gone. I can't get into specifics as far as exactly when and where, but I will say that in all likelihood he will miss Jonah's homecoming. Even now, I can't write this without starting to cry. Jonah will be two before he meets his daddy.
To say this news devastated me feels like an understatement. I am heartbroken over it.
I wrote the following to a few friends the day after we received the news. It captures my feelings well.
I don't really know what else to say. I am sad. I am scared, for John's safety, for the bond between John and Joshua, for how Jonah will transition and how he will respond to daddy coming home.
As I have so often in the past, I sought comfort from the Lord through His word; He immediately led me to Psalm 29:11,
I believe it is His promise to me during this time. I really have never felt less capable of anything in my life, but I believe that God is faithful and He will supply all that I need during this time.
We would be so thankful for your prayers for our family and for John's safety.
We found out in August that John is going to be deployed to Afghanistan. Orders are now in hand, so any hope we had of it being canceled is now gone. I can't get into specifics as far as exactly when and where, but I will say that in all likelihood he will miss Jonah's homecoming. Even now, I can't write this without starting to cry. Jonah will be two before he meets his daddy.
To say this news devastated me feels like an understatement. I am heartbroken over it.
I wrote the following to a few friends the day after we received the news. It captures my feelings well.
I am so so scared of going through the transition period when Jonah is grieving hard and adjusting by myself. I still haven't written about everything we went through with Joshua, but it was REALLY HARD, especially the first 5 months. I really don't know how I am going to do it by myself. Never have I felt less capable or up to something in my life. We had a middle of the road transition experience with Joshua, not the most difficult, but most certainly not the easiest. I am asking God for His great mercy in this for an easy transition with Jonah. When he first comes home, I won't be able to allow anyone else to help with Jonah for bonding purposes, so if he is up screaming and crying, it is going to be all me. I need your prayers, for strength, for comfort, for peace. I just can't believe John won't be here to experience this with me. I am heartbroken that John won't get to meet his son for several months at least. And I don't know how we are going to transition to being a family of four once John is home.
I don't really know what else to say. I am sad. I am scared, for John's safety, for the bond between John and Joshua, for how Jonah will transition and how he will respond to daddy coming home.
As I have so often in the past, I sought comfort from the Lord through His word; He immediately led me to Psalm 29:11,
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
I believe it is His promise to me during this time. I really have never felt less capable of anything in my life, but I believe that God is faithful and He will supply all that I need during this time.
We would be so thankful for your prayers for our family and for John's safety.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
How do you know when you are done with infertility treatment?
I was asked a while back whether we would ever try in vitro fertilization (IVF) again. I had every intention of answering the question, but somehow this post sat in my drafts for the past year and a half. In a related question, another friend I "met" through blogging asked a question about how you know when its time to end infertility treatments. I was going to email her my answer, but the busyness of life got in the way before I had a chance to do so. Unfortunately, the answer to this question has become relevant again for her, how I wish it wasn't.
The short answer to the question of future IVF for us is no we would not, nor do I see that changing in the future.
So how did we know we were done? I want to say up front that anything I write here is the decision John and I made asking and seeking the Lord's guidance. However, that doesn't mean that our decisions are the ONE right way or that because the Lord led John and I in this way means that He will lead every one else in the exact same way. Others have sensed the Lord leading them toward different answers. Just as an example, many Christian couples, and just about all true practicing Catholics believe that IVF is morally wrong. While we see it differently, I respect the opinion of those who feel this way. Elaine has an excellent post, which can be found here, about how two couples, though both Christians can come to two different conclusions about IVF.
You can read a recap of our infertility journey here. In the beginning I was unsure about doing IVF; it truly seemed like (and is) a moral minefield. I was so afraid of making a wrong decision that I would later regret. I truly wanted to honor God at every part of the process. We prayed, asked others to pray, and sought wise counsel. I was so grateful that the Lord brought my friend Wendi into my life at that time; she and her husband provided much godly counsel to us.
What we decided up front was that we would do two IVF cycles. Again, I am not saying that two should be everyone's limit, but I do think it can be important to determine up front how far you want to go with infertility treatment. I say this because emotions run all over the place in the midst of treatment and the loss that so often accompanies it, so it can be difficult to make decisions at such a time. It is also not uncommon to get to a point where a feeling of desperation takes over causing a person to make decisions they would not have otherwise made. Another one of the limits we set was that we knew we didn't want to involve a third party. If donor sperm or egg were required, we knew this was not something we were comfortable with. I am not saying that it is never okay to change your mind, just that it can be helpful to have an idea of how far you want to go. Had we gotten to the end of two cycles and not felt done, I am sure we would have done a third cycle. We actually could have done one basically for free as part of the shared risk program we participated in (we would have had to pay for some drugs and my ultrasounds).
We believe that life begins at conception and so upholding the sanctity of life is very important to us and factored heavily into our decision regarding when we were done. Our first cycle went very well; 7 eggs were retrieved, 5 fertilized, and 2 embryos were transferred (we asked the doctor to limit the number of eggs they attempted to fertilize to 8). However, none of our other 3 embryos survived to be frozen for a later transfer. Our second cycle did not go as well; 17 eggs were retrieved, 16 of them were mature, 8 eggs were frozen, 8 eggs were injected, 5 fertilized, only 1 embryo made it to transfer, and again none of the others survived to be frozen. While it is true that part of our lack of success could be because we limited the number of eggs that we allowed the doctor to attempt to fertilize, however all over the blogosphere I have seen stories with less eggs retrieved but still healthy 5 day blasts to freeze. The fact that we didn't have this said to me that we had a problem. Yes, we could have gone "all out" as the doctor wanted us to in a third cycle playing a numbers game in the hope that if we retrieved enough eggs and injected all of them, we could have had one healthy embryo that resulted in a healthy pregnancy. But we just weren't willing to go there; it just didn't feel respectful of life to us given what had happened with our two previous cycles.
The second reason we knew we were done was that I couldn't cope with another miscarriage. This was probably the biggest reason we didn't want to continue treatment and why we never considered embryo adoption. My miscarriage absolutely devastated me; it remains one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
Lastly, we just had a feeling of being "done." We just couldn't take the idea of going through it again. One of the books that helped me the most when we were at the beginning of infertility treatment is The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility. A great quote from the book about when it's time to quit is, "When it hurts more to go on than it does to quit, it's time to quit." This statement really resonates with me. I have never posted about what we decided to to with our eggs until now. For the first year, we were able to keep them at no cost. When our year was up, we decided to store them for another year, kind of an insurance policy even though we had no real desire to go back for them. We had begun the adoption process, but knew there were no guarantees with adoption either. Last summer just before Joshua was due to come home we received another bill to continue to store them. At the time we were caught up in the crazy 13 week long wait for EP approval and things felt very uncertain. We really weren't sure that Joshua was going to come home. Yet, in the end we decided to discard my eggs because we knew that even if Joshua didn't come home we had no desire to go back for my them. We had and have no desire to go there ever ever again.
When you get to that point when you feel done, there is almost a sense of relief about not continuing treatments.
I can tell you all with absolute certainty that I have zero regrets about not continuing treatment. I don't ever wonder if a third cycle would have led us to a baby. I am thankful that I have no lingering "what ifs?" I don't know whether anything I have said here will help anyone, my prayer is that it will. I can also tell you that the Lord is absolutely able to give true peace about ending treatment, leaving you with no regrets and no "what ifs?" It really is possible, even though it doesn't seem so at the time (at least it didn't to me), to reach a place where you feel completely okay with being done with infertility treatments.
Truth be told, it feels pretty darn good not to ever think about them again.
Edited to add: This should not be taken as "Just adopt" and every thing will be fine, as we who have dealt with infertility so often hear from others. There is no "just adopt," a statement which deserves a post of its own to adequately respond to why it is an inaccurate and insensitive thing to say. Nor is this post meant to imply there is not much grief associated with the decision to end treatment, this is also worthy of its own post.
The short answer to the question of future IVF for us is no we would not, nor do I see that changing in the future.
So how did we know we were done? I want to say up front that anything I write here is the decision John and I made asking and seeking the Lord's guidance. However, that doesn't mean that our decisions are the ONE right way or that because the Lord led John and I in this way means that He will lead every one else in the exact same way. Others have sensed the Lord leading them toward different answers. Just as an example, many Christian couples, and just about all true practicing Catholics believe that IVF is morally wrong. While we see it differently, I respect the opinion of those who feel this way. Elaine has an excellent post, which can be found here, about how two couples, though both Christians can come to two different conclusions about IVF.
You can read a recap of our infertility journey here. In the beginning I was unsure about doing IVF; it truly seemed like (and is) a moral minefield. I was so afraid of making a wrong decision that I would later regret. I truly wanted to honor God at every part of the process. We prayed, asked others to pray, and sought wise counsel. I was so grateful that the Lord brought my friend Wendi into my life at that time; she and her husband provided much godly counsel to us.
What we decided up front was that we would do two IVF cycles. Again, I am not saying that two should be everyone's limit, but I do think it can be important to determine up front how far you want to go with infertility treatment. I say this because emotions run all over the place in the midst of treatment and the loss that so often accompanies it, so it can be difficult to make decisions at such a time. It is also not uncommon to get to a point where a feeling of desperation takes over causing a person to make decisions they would not have otherwise made. Another one of the limits we set was that we knew we didn't want to involve a third party. If donor sperm or egg were required, we knew this was not something we were comfortable with. I am not saying that it is never okay to change your mind, just that it can be helpful to have an idea of how far you want to go. Had we gotten to the end of two cycles and not felt done, I am sure we would have done a third cycle. We actually could have done one basically for free as part of the shared risk program we participated in (we would have had to pay for some drugs and my ultrasounds).
We believe that life begins at conception and so upholding the sanctity of life is very important to us and factored heavily into our decision regarding when we were done. Our first cycle went very well; 7 eggs were retrieved, 5 fertilized, and 2 embryos were transferred (we asked the doctor to limit the number of eggs they attempted to fertilize to 8). However, none of our other 3 embryos survived to be frozen for a later transfer. Our second cycle did not go as well; 17 eggs were retrieved, 16 of them were mature, 8 eggs were frozen, 8 eggs were injected, 5 fertilized, only 1 embryo made it to transfer, and again none of the others survived to be frozen. While it is true that part of our lack of success could be because we limited the number of eggs that we allowed the doctor to attempt to fertilize, however all over the blogosphere I have seen stories with less eggs retrieved but still healthy 5 day blasts to freeze. The fact that we didn't have this said to me that we had a problem. Yes, we could have gone "all out" as the doctor wanted us to in a third cycle playing a numbers game in the hope that if we retrieved enough eggs and injected all of them, we could have had one healthy embryo that resulted in a healthy pregnancy. But we just weren't willing to go there; it just didn't feel respectful of life to us given what had happened with our two previous cycles.
The second reason we knew we were done was that I couldn't cope with another miscarriage. This was probably the biggest reason we didn't want to continue treatment and why we never considered embryo adoption. My miscarriage absolutely devastated me; it remains one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
Lastly, we just had a feeling of being "done." We just couldn't take the idea of going through it again. One of the books that helped me the most when we were at the beginning of infertility treatment is The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility. A great quote from the book about when it's time to quit is, "When it hurts more to go on than it does to quit, it's time to quit." This statement really resonates with me. I have never posted about what we decided to to with our eggs until now. For the first year, we were able to keep them at no cost. When our year was up, we decided to store them for another year, kind of an insurance policy even though we had no real desire to go back for them. We had begun the adoption process, but knew there were no guarantees with adoption either. Last summer just before Joshua was due to come home we received another bill to continue to store them. At the time we were caught up in the crazy 13 week long wait for EP approval and things felt very uncertain. We really weren't sure that Joshua was going to come home. Yet, in the end we decided to discard my eggs because we knew that even if Joshua didn't come home we had no desire to go back for my them. We had and have no desire to go there ever ever again.
When you get to that point when you feel done, there is almost a sense of relief about not continuing treatments.
I can tell you all with absolute certainty that I have zero regrets about not continuing treatment. I don't ever wonder if a third cycle would have led us to a baby. I am thankful that I have no lingering "what ifs?" I don't know whether anything I have said here will help anyone, my prayer is that it will. I can also tell you that the Lord is absolutely able to give true peace about ending treatment, leaving you with no regrets and no "what ifs?" It really is possible, even though it doesn't seem so at the time (at least it didn't to me), to reach a place where you feel completely okay with being done with infertility treatments.
Truth be told, it feels pretty darn good not to ever think about them again.
Edited to add: This should not be taken as "Just adopt" and every thing will be fine, as we who have dealt with infertility so often hear from others. There is no "just adopt," a statement which deserves a post of its own to adequately respond to why it is an inaccurate and insensitive thing to say. Nor is this post meant to imply there is not much grief associated with the decision to end treatment, this is also worthy of its own post.
Monday, August 13, 2012
One Year Ago....(on Saturday)
...our long summer of waiting came to an end. After an unprecedented 13 long weeks of waiting we had EP for Joshua!
John and I celebrated with champagne, after all it is one of the advantages of being an expectant mom via adoption. :)
Though I am not in the habit of daily journaling (I'd like to be), I did journal that day. On 8/11/2011, I wrote, "A great day today! We finally have EP for Joshua!!!!!! We waited 13 weeks. Today is also the anniversary of my unfulfilled due date - such grace that we received good news today." It was such a blessing to receive this news on a day that had been such a sad day for the previous 3 years as we remembered the baby we lost. I love when the Lord gives us these reminders that He sees us and knows just what we need. Last summer there were many times when we wondered if Joshua was ever going to get to come home; many times we wondered if we would ever get to be parents. It is hard to believe we are now coming up on one year of having him home.
There were many pictures from our trip to Korea that I never posted so I am planning on posting them as we hit the one year anniversary of each day (totally stole this idea from Grace).
John and I celebrated with champagne, after all it is one of the advantages of being an expectant mom via adoption. :)
Though I am not in the habit of daily journaling (I'd like to be), I did journal that day. On 8/11/2011, I wrote, "A great day today! We finally have EP for Joshua!!!!!! We waited 13 weeks. Today is also the anniversary of my unfulfilled due date - such grace that we received good news today." It was such a blessing to receive this news on a day that had been such a sad day for the previous 3 years as we remembered the baby we lost. I love when the Lord gives us these reminders that He sees us and knows just what we need. Last summer there were many times when we wondered if Joshua was ever going to get to come home; many times we wondered if we would ever get to be parents. It is hard to believe we are now coming up on one year of having him home.
There were many pictures from our trip to Korea that I never posted so I am planning on posting them as we hit the one year anniversary of each day (totally stole this idea from Grace).
Friday, August 3, 2012
"Firsts"
In my last post, I wrote about my sadness over missing many of Jonah's "firsts." During our wait for Joshua, I wrote something similar here.
While it is true that we missed many of the big firsts and there is some sadness associated with that, there are so many more firsts we have gotten to experience and will experience in the future. I thought I would celebrate a few of them.
First time trying to ride a tricycle (not quite tall enough):
First living room fort:
Discovering that the pantry is a fun place to hide:
First Air Show:
First super hero cape:
First time being "tortured" by one of his cousins:
First PB&J:
Discovering pockets for the first time:
First bowl of cereal:
First "tattoo":
First imaginative play moment, he would fill up his pail, put it on his arm and tell me bye!:
"Discovering" ants for the first time:
I have truly cherished each one of these moments. I thank God every day for the privilege of being Joshua's mom. Missing so many of the most talked about firsts has made these smaller firsts that much more special to me. I especially love seeing him make new discoveries.
If you are waiting for your child to come home, especially those of you waiting on your first little one, I hope you will be encouraged as you see that there are so many wonderful first moments ahead of you. I love this post by Lisa which lists even more of them.
While it is true that we missed many of the big firsts and there is some sadness associated with that, there are so many more firsts we have gotten to experience and will experience in the future. I thought I would celebrate a few of them.
First time trying to ride a tricycle (not quite tall enough):
First living room fort:
Discovering that the pantry is a fun place to hide:
First Air Show:
First super hero cape:
First time being "tortured" by one of his cousins:
First PB&J:
Discovering pockets for the first time:
First bowl of cereal:
First "tattoo":
"Discovering" ants for the first time:
If you are waiting for your child to come home, especially those of you waiting on your first little one, I hope you will be encouraged as you see that there are so many wonderful first moments ahead of you. I love this post by Lisa which lists even more of them.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Much Better
I am feeling so much better. I really appreciate every one who reached out in a comment or on Facebook after my previous post. And as always I especially appreciate those who are praying for us. I loved Melissa's comment on that post about how it is up to us to open up dialog; I completely agree and found that linking the post on Facebook really did just that. For me, it is often easier to write out my feelings first as opposed to trying to open up this type of dialog in person. I knew many people were not asking anything because they thought it might bother me. So I knew that it was up to me to let people know. One thing I learned during our long battle with infertility is that most people don't know how to support you or what you need; you have to let them know.
As a follow up on asking about the adoption process, one thing I didn't say before, but I know is something that many adoptive parents feel and something I most definitely felt myself when we were in the process for Joshua, is that the question, "When?" may not be the best thing to ask. This tends to be the question most often asked, but it is the one that is most difficult for us to answer. Usually, we have an estimated time frame, but it is just that an estimate. And usually it doesn't change much so my answer will be the same each time I am asked. When you are feeling frustrated over the wait or finding it particularly difficult it is hard to keep answering the question of when.
I also wanted to clarify what I said about pregnancy. I think it was clear to most people, but just to make it absolutely clear, what I was saying was in NO way about having a problem with pregnancy. I was simply contrasting my experience with that of other expectant moms. What it was really about was feeling sad over missing Jonah, triggered mainly by him turning one. We have missed a year of his life. Developmentally, Jonah is much much further ahead of where Joshua was at one year of age, which makes me feel like I am missing so much more of his life. This, coupled with the fact that we have another 7 or even 8 months more before we bring him home, had me grieving the loss of the parts of his life we are missing. I know we will have so many more "firsts" with him, but I think it is healthy and natural to grieve and let go of the parts we have missed.
I also felt like I neglected to acknowledge all the amazing support I have received in the past and could be receiving now from adoption forums and Facebook adoption groups (these hadn't started yet when we were in the process for Joshua). I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the adoption forum when I was waiting for Joshua, but now that I am a mom I am not able to spend as much time on these boards giving and receiving support. I know that as the time nears for us to travel, I will probably be on them more, but it is also nice to feel supported by those you see in your daily circle.
As a follow up on asking about the adoption process, one thing I didn't say before, but I know is something that many adoptive parents feel and something I most definitely felt myself when we were in the process for Joshua, is that the question, "When?" may not be the best thing to ask. This tends to be the question most often asked, but it is the one that is most difficult for us to answer. Usually, we have an estimated time frame, but it is just that an estimate. And usually it doesn't change much so my answer will be the same each time I am asked. When you are feeling frustrated over the wait or finding it particularly difficult it is hard to keep answering the question of when.
I also wanted to clarify what I said about pregnancy. I think it was clear to most people, but just to make it absolutely clear, what I was saying was in NO way about having a problem with pregnancy. I was simply contrasting my experience with that of other expectant moms. What it was really about was feeling sad over missing Jonah, triggered mainly by him turning one. We have missed a year of his life. Developmentally, Jonah is much much further ahead of where Joshua was at one year of age, which makes me feel like I am missing so much more of his life. This, coupled with the fact that we have another 7 or even 8 months more before we bring him home, had me grieving the loss of the parts of his life we are missing. I know we will have so many more "firsts" with him, but I think it is healthy and natural to grieve and let go of the parts we have missed.
I also felt like I neglected to acknowledge all the amazing support I have received in the past and could be receiving now from adoption forums and Facebook adoption groups (these hadn't started yet when we were in the process for Joshua). I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the adoption forum when I was waiting for Joshua, but now that I am a mom I am not able to spend as much time on these boards giving and receiving support. I know that as the time nears for us to travel, I will probably be on them more, but it is also nice to feel supported by those you see in your daily circle.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Feeling So Alone
Alternatively titled, "Crying in Church Every Sunday has Resumed." I hope this post doesn't come off too whiny, I am just feeling very sad and alone right now in regards to our second adoption. It is very rare for anyone to ask me about Jonah or ask how I am doing with the wait to bring him home. And it just makes me feel so alone. I wish people would ask me about it.
I can't help but contrast my current experience with that of a number of expectant moms around me. Their pregnancies are an ongoing topic of conservation, and rightly so. After all, a new life is coming into the world and their family is growing. That is something very exciting and is absolutely cause for celebration.
But our family is growing too. Yet no one asks me about it, which makes me feel like no one cares, like the way our family is being built is unworthy of celebration, that is is somehow "less than."
I realize that a growing belly gives a visible reminder of the upcoming event, and therefore prompts conversation. And I realize that no one has had the intention of being uncaring or hurting me. I write this post, not to criticize, but to say I need support too. I too want to celebrate what is happening in my family.
The thing is there are a lot of differences in growing your family by adoption versus the traditional way. I don't have a growing belly - other than when I let adoption stress get the better of me and start stress eating ;) - to remind me that my family is about to change. The new life, in our case, is already here, growing up half way around the world without us. We have no due date, only a hope and a prayer of when he will join our family. These things are very hard and make the adoption wait absolutely agonizing at times.
So if you know someone that is waiting to bring home a child by adoption please reach out to them, celebrate with them, joyfully anticipate the arrival of their child with them. Let them know you care, offer a word of encouragement, and most of all pray for them (and let them know you are praying). And if you know me, please ask me about Jonah. I have 2 sons, one is Joshua, and the other is Jonah. One has been home almost a year, the other will hopefully be home some time next year. Both are cause for celebration and both deserve to be joyfully anticipated every bit as much as a child that joins a family by birth.
I can't help but contrast my current experience with that of a number of expectant moms around me. Their pregnancies are an ongoing topic of conservation, and rightly so. After all, a new life is coming into the world and their family is growing. That is something very exciting and is absolutely cause for celebration.
But our family is growing too. Yet no one asks me about it, which makes me feel like no one cares, like the way our family is being built is unworthy of celebration, that is is somehow "less than."
I realize that a growing belly gives a visible reminder of the upcoming event, and therefore prompts conversation. And I realize that no one has had the intention of being uncaring or hurting me. I write this post, not to criticize, but to say I need support too. I too want to celebrate what is happening in my family.
The thing is there are a lot of differences in growing your family by adoption versus the traditional way. I don't have a growing belly - other than when I let adoption stress get the better of me and start stress eating ;) - to remind me that my family is about to change. The new life, in our case, is already here, growing up half way around the world without us. We have no due date, only a hope and a prayer of when he will join our family. These things are very hard and make the adoption wait absolutely agonizing at times.
So if you know someone that is waiting to bring home a child by adoption please reach out to them, celebrate with them, joyfully anticipate the arrival of their child with them. Let them know you care, offer a word of encouragement, and most of all pray for them (and let them know you are praying). And if you know me, please ask me about Jonah. I have 2 sons, one is Joshua, and the other is Jonah. One has been home almost a year, the other will hopefully be home some time next year. Both are cause for celebration and both deserve to be joyfully anticipated every bit as much as a child that joins a family by birth.
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