I keep thinking of that song "the waiting's the hardest part" and I am finding it to be so true.
Bed rest was not so bad. The instructions that I was given stated strict bed rest for 3 days, but then when we talked to the doctor on Friday after transfer, he said it didn't need to be strict, that I could get up and get food or move from room to room. I wish they wouldn't give conflicting instructions, it leads to confusion and then you stress is it really okay if I do this or that. I did get up several times, but for the most part I stayed on the couch. My doctor says research shows that bed rest does not improve pregnancy rates. I mostly read and watched movies. When I had gotten home from the transfer on Friday, I was surprised by several gift bags/boxes that friends had brought in while we were gone. They contained books, movies, and all kinds of stuff to help keep me busy during the 2ww (2 week wait). So I dug into those and watched several of the movies, a number of which were quite funny, which brings me to the "crazy" that has been going on in my head. When I laugh, I think "maybe all that jostling isn't good for them." When I get up, I can't help but think "are they going to fall out?" I'm fairly certain these thoughts are pretty common to women going through infertility treatment. I think we all worry that we are going to mess things up somehow. I have to remind myself who is in control and continue to put every care before God every minute (someone called and reminded me of this just this morning, but I will get to that later).
Yesterday, I worked on getting my house back in order and caught up on some emails. I was really struggling throughout the day to maintain a hopeful attitude. I was feeling depressed and thinking that the result is going to be negative. Finally, I just had to get out of the house so I went to the book store and then shoe shopping since I had some birthday money to spend. Unfortunately, even shoe shopping didn't cheer me up. I knew my attitude was not right, but I was in that place where all you can do is say "Lord, help." And He did. This morning I got a call from a lady who saw the advertisement for our support group in the church bulletin. She offered to give her testimony to our group so I asked her if she would mind sharing it with me first. Too often, I have heard stories from women who said well I couldn't get pregnant, but then I tried ________ and I got pregnant. While those stories are great, I feel like they are not what women experiencing IF need since only God knows His plan for each of us. It was not one of those kind of stories. It was the kind that reminds you that even though you may have already or you may in the future experience loss upon loss, God is in control. There is a plan, there is a hopeful plan, and though it may be hard to see why the plan is hopeful at the time, His plan for you is hopeful, good, and perfect. It was the kind of story that reminds you to be patient, to depend upon God, to put everything before Him every minute of every day, and to have faith in what God can and will do.
So now even though the waiting is still the hardest part, I wait for the Lord. A line from "Great is Thy Faithfulness" (my favorite hymn) comes to mind often, "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow," that is what I am promised.